Hi, I'm a birb who writes things. Expect to see original fiction, fanfiction, and miscellanies related to characters and concepts for things I write. Enjoy your stay!
As those of you who follow me on Tumblr may have noticed by now, I am no longer reblogging or posting anything there. This is because, for a number of personal reasons, I am not using Tumblr anymore for any purpose whatsoever - all my blogs and sideblogs are dead accounts and have been for years now. I apologize to those of you who became familiar with me because of Tumblr, but it’s a decision I’ve subconsciously made for a long time and only now decided to officially announce. This also has nothing to do with anyone on Tumblr if you were wondering - while I’ve seen a fair share of online drama on this site, it has not affected me enough on a personal level to be a reason for leaving. Rest assured, however, that if you still want to see my previous reblogs, I won’t be deleting any of my blogs. I just won’t be posting on them anymore (at least not on a regular basis).
With that, thanks for the memories, Tumblr. There may have been ups and downs while being here, but I don’t regret the time I spent on this site and the friendships I started through it. It’s just that I think it’s time for me to move on with my life and look towards my future. I hope someday I can start anew here, but… sadly, I doubt that will happen anytime soon.
If any of you who followed me here prior to my departure still want to reach out to me, I’m much more active elsewhere, thankfully, and always open to polite conversation via PM on the sites and apps I’m active on. So check out the links below if you want to see me still flopping around the Internet after all these years!
If you have been following my writings and ramblings and original works and DeviantArt favorites for long enough, you'll know that I am unashamedly a dinosaur fan - I never outgrew the phase because despite what people have told me both online and off, palaeontology, like other sciences, is not specifically a child's thing - obviously dinosaurs are cool, but there is a lot of technical stuff that you'd need college degrees to understand in the field, too. While I certainly am a stickler for accuracy when it comes to dinosaur portrayals, however, I am also not ashamed to admit that I have a love for fictional portrayals of them as monsters, too. Jurassic Park, which was - for its time - pretty much a reconciliation between the "prehistoric monster" imagery of dinosaurs in popular culture and the latest discoveries about the actual fossil animals during its production, is my favorite movie of all time, partly for this reason and partly because there's a lot of depth and sophistication to it as well - a sophistication that modern movies seem to be utilizing less and less. Even the Jurassic Park franchise itself was not immune to this trend, and although it still remains my top favorite franchise of fictional media, the changing conceit of what audiences want in an entertaining film has dragged it along for as much of a long and bumpy ride as just about everything else Hollywood has to offer. Still, even in spite of it all, there are a lot of things to like about the sequels we got since that groundbreaking original - I'm admittedly one of those people who actually enjoyed Jurassic Park III, though in fairness I was too young upon first watching it to really pick it apart and analyze its numerous flaws, and I also heaped a lot of praise on Jurassic World upon my first review of it... in hindsight, perhaps a little generously. Although I won't pretend that everything since The Lost World (including TLW itself) is flawless and that the complainers are wrong, even the infamously controversial JP3 had some enjoyable moments in its own right, despite being seen by many as the worst installment of the franchise by quite a margin.
Which leads us to the most recent film of the franchise, 2018's Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
I had intended to review this movie for a good, long while - back when I was a more prolific writer I used to write film reviews shortly after seeing the movies in the theater, though schedule concerns have obviously made that too difficult. But there's a silver lining here, in that by not reviewing a film I've seen until much later (...well, much, much, much later as the case may be), I have the time to really sit down and think about what made the movie tick or not, and oftentimes have come down from my rush of excitement by the time I actually get off my tail and write the review itself. There are exceptions, of course, with certain films actually leaving me disappointed as soon as I left the building, but these cases are mercifully rare. I'm happy to say that despite being horrendously imperfect, Fallen Kingdom wasn't one of those cases. I was genuinely entertained by it more than 50% of the time - which is, for better or for worse, the highest compliment I can give the film because, as we shall see, in some ways it really is quite terrible.
As always with my movie reviews: SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!
I watched Fallen Kingdom twice since its release - first in the theater at my home town, and then on rental DVD - and both times, my impression was the same: this movie, in retrospect, plays out much like a big-budget, cinematic fanfiction of the Jurassic Park films or even of Jurassic World (the latter of which I actually consider darkly hilarious for reasons that are highly specific to me exclusively, which you'd only understand if you know what I've written in the past - I'll get to that shortly). This is perfectly understandable, seeing as the director, screenwriter, and production crew have changed considerably from the team that helmed the original trilogy during the ten-year gap between JP3 and JW. Even if the work is canon, it's essentially someone else taking a look at the original franchise material, picking out what they liked about it, and building an original story off of it, oftentimes borrowing characters from the original work and inserting them in (most notably Rexy, and yes, I consider her as much of a character as the humans she menaced in the original movie). Across the board, in all kinds of franchises, this approach tends to fall flat if you don't know about the original work, though I do have to say that there was one very notable exception in the case of Jurassic World, that climactic fight scene with the Indominus rex, which is my favorite part of the movie even if it isn't entirely perfect. Now, I realize that I'm being a bit of a hypocrite by saying that these films are imperfect, because almost a decade ago, a friend and I co-wrote a megacrossover fanfic where Jurassic Park was the most prominent franchise by quite a margin (and didn't even start out that way to boot - my own selfish preferences caused elements of the franchise to slowly bleed in until a recycled plot of the second and third movies took over the whole thing). What makes it truly embarrassing to me is that the fic didn't even need the series' involvement in the first place, and my choice to shove it in anyway was one of the numerous factors that led to it going completely off the rails and turning into a tremendous tangled mess of clumsy writing and mishandled characterization, not just with JP itself but with almost all of the dozen other continua that got dragged in as well. Obviously, the fact that Fallen Kingdom is restricted by its very nature as a sequel to the one franchise only thankfully precludes the sheer absurdity of what my co-writer and I had inadvertently wrought back then, but upon rewatching the film I couldn't help but notice that in a few ways, it does ironically come off as being quite similar to my own old shame, albeit coincidentally, though it still earns points for choosing to be a Jurassic Park/World film and sticking with that conceit, rather than an entirely different film with JP elements shoehorned into it. I've harped on my stupidity as an immature fanfic writer back in the day for long enough, I think, but I felt this was worth mentioning regardless, because like the fic I touched upon above, this is a work I only started having issues with long after the fact, but these days I can't unsee these issues now that I've considered them.
One of the biggest things that stood out to me regarding Fallen Kingdom was that no matter how you slice it, it was trying to be two films at once, and had less time for both than most would have desired. The first half of the movie concerns Isla Sorna being destroyed by a volcano, and everyone trying to get the dinosaurs off of it before they are rendered extinct once again, with another island being noted as their new sanctuary (though of course, one of the antagonists quickly screws that plan over, but more on that later). You could easily make an entire film out of that - exploring the island one last time, dodging potential threats from both the volcano and the dinosaurs themselves, and coming to terms with the fact that not every creature can be saved, and that the end is coming for everyone eventually. The scene with the Brachiosaurus being overtaken by the eruption, with its plaintive wails and iconic rearing silhouette, is proof that such a moral could make a solid closing for this kind of movie, and heck, you could even have the subplot with the executives hoping to exploit the dinosaurs bleed into the movie until, at the very end, you get a scene where their true intentions with the animals are revealed as a sequel hook, rather than being resolved over the course of like half an hour or so in a rushed manner that gives people too little time to consider the implications. And this brings me to my next point.
Remember what I said about that dumb fanfiction I co-wrote having the elements I personally wanted more than my co-writer did slowly fester in true plot tumor fashion until they took over the entire story like literal cancer? As it turns out, what I witnessed in Fallen Kingdom wasn't quite as ridiculous, but kinda sorta similar in its own way. Obviously, Fallen Kingdom isn't so audacious (or ignorant of copyright laws and plain old common sense for that matter) as to let an entirely different franchise stage a gradual hostile takeover of itself, but the somewhat cliched plot of capitalist exploitation being the absolute worst roommate imaginable with a whole franchise's worth of temporally misplaced creatures that can and will kill you if you look at them funny - already done in both the original movie and TLW, and to some extent in JW as well, but still relatable in our current social climate even after so much repetition - still manages to... well, stage a gradual hostile takeover of the movie, and enforces itself in full force during the remaining third or so of the runtime. The antagonists, a pair of cartoonishly evil and somewhat flat executives, sabotage the plan so that the dinosaurs are diverted to the Lockwood Mansion instead of the sanctuary island, and then things escalate when the prototype Indoraptor is bought in and, inevitably, raises hell for everyone involved. As with my previous pitch, the idea of bidding wars over the dinosaurs and the moral debate over the ownership and exploitation of living creatures - something which does happen in the real world - could have made for something interesting, again, if the script wasn't so rushed. Continuing where the hypothetical sequel hook left off, we could open with a discussion between the villains about the implications of what they are doing, followed by the heroes having to deal with the ramifications of such actions along with the involvement of Dr. Wu, the Indoraptor, and of course Blue as a potential prize-winner. Of course this runs the risk of becoming the original Jurassic Park except on the mainland, and thus not really trying anything new, but it could at least give audiences the time to digest the film and appreciate the moments where it makes a genuine impact, even before the dinosaurs end up getting released into the mainland like what happened in the movie itself, complete with the insane amount of ramifications thereof. The Stygimoloch plowing its way through the bidders on its way to freedom was almost as cathartic for me to watch as the climactic fight in JW, and I wish it could've gotten more screentime, or even plucked up the guts to fend off the Indoraptor in a situation that doesn't seem forced, e.g. the hybrid and the Stiggy getting trapped in the same complex, or even Owen luring it over as backup (which is stupider but, given how he got it to bust him and Claire out in the movie itself, isn't entirely unreasonable). As for the Indoraptor itself, I feel like they could have done a bit better with its design, as even underneath the paint job and altered proportions it's still more or less "Indominus 2: Genetic Boogaloo", as I have called it at least once. Still, it has its own appeal as a monster design and, if it weren't for the presence of similar-looking creatures in previous installments of the series, it would certainly have made an impact as a monster. It's almost wolf-like in movement and mannerisms, even werewolf-like, which is intentional given the vintage horror movie homages the production team was going for. The way it menaces Maisie - who has her own set of plot-related craziness to her, but that's a can of worms I'd rather not open - makes you worry for her life, and even fear for Blue when she engages it in battle. I know I'm one of those who actually prefers antagonistic Velociraptors (the inaccurate variety from the films, not the smaller and fully feathered real-world version which I would absolutely take home with me if I could find a way to retrieve it from Cretaceous Mongolia and have it housetrained and okay I'll stop now), but Blue as always is awesome, and after seeing her actually manage to hold her own in her fight against the Indoraptor if only for a short while, there's no denying that anymore - even if that scene with her outrunning the explosion in the boiler room is a bit over-the-top even by the standards of this movie. There is of course no way a spectacle-driven, plaid-speed-paced romp like Fallen Kingdom could surpass the bar set by The Big One and the legendary kitchen scene, but on its own merits, the Indoraptor is a wonderfully serviceable and formidable threat that I just wish could've gotten more screentime and room to develop as a character, rather than just remaining as an unhinged killing machine that exists just to terrorize everyone before exiting the film (the same is true for all the dinosaurs here besides Blue, really, which is sad because, again, I much prefer when films develop monsters as characters rather than mere plot devices). With a little more design work to make him stand out more among the other critters in the franchise and more time to explore his nature, he could easily have become almost as iconic as The Big One as movie monsters go, or at least as much as the I. rex, though the latter bar is admittedly a good deal lower in the wake of how the movie industry has, ahem, evolved.
With that thought in mind, I will now spell out the biggest problem I had with this movie: the fact that it was trying to do so much in such a short space of time. Humorously and ironically, I know almost enough about the issues with my own writing to recognize the signs of that, with significant events being spaced too close to each other, too many characters at once (though admittedly, Zia and Maisie are a treat to watch, Franklin a bit less so but far from unbearable for my taste), and at least one questionable decision on the part of everyone at some point or another, up to and including the writers. There are a lot of things I liked, but not enough time for me to let them sink in, like I was being bombarded with one spectacle after another. It feels like overkill more than anything, and alas, far too many films in recent years have tried to shove that method into people's faces as though trying to say, "Here's your action, here's your fanservice, here's your whatever the whoopity-freaking-doo you consider entertainment, are you happy now?!" (Well, not quite as vitriolic and sarcastic, but you get the idea.) If the filmmakers and the owners of the franchise rights had been willing to accept four movies in the newer series rather than just three, and let Fallen Kingdom be broken up into two separate, slightly slower-paced movies, the problems with each individual portion would likely not have been as significant, and audiences would not have noticed them so readily. Sadly, though, the rapid-fire, dozen-blockbusters-a-year rush-job environment of the modern movie industry was not kind to this film, which is a crying shame. We need more movies that are more relaxed and subdued half the time, the way the original JP film was, and while audiences may have to take the time to once again get used to movies like that, I think it would be a welcome change of pace from the current influx of chaotic, nonstop slugfests and pyrotechnic displays we've become so familiar with.
In tl;dr form, it is with a heavy heart that I have to say that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is, in fact, the worst film of the entire Jurassic Park franchise, even more so than JP3 - though don't get me wrong, as with JP3, I still very much enjoyed it as its own movie, as clumsily handled as it was at times (though even then, the movie itself isn't entirely at fault for it). There's a difference between a movie being the low point in its franchise and a low point among movies in general, a difference which a lot of reviewers need to understand before taking an undeserved dump over movies that could've been so much better if Hollywood had worked just a bit differently. You have to actually try to make a work of entertainment media I consider genuinely terrible, and it was actually a relief to me that even the lowest points of Fallen Kingdom still ranked somewhat midway between "meh" and "shakes hand eeeeehhhhhh" from my own subjective standpoint. I truly hope that the next and presumably final JP film will turn out for the better, especially given that Alan, Ellie, and Ian are all slated to have major roles in it, but I'm not going to dismiss Fallen Kingdom off the bat just because of the issues I have with its writing. If nothing else, it's a perfectly decent popcorn flick with prehistoric monsters in it - and hey, that was pretty much what everyone was there for, wasn't it?
Sarah looked away from the screen, tears pouring down her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” her angel companion asked, instinct telling him that something was indeed very, very wrong.
Sarah was silent. Her partners looked up from whatever they were doing, worried expressions on their faces. Sarah Katherine Squall was virtually never silent. If she was… That was a cause for concern.
Lapis walked over to her, and patted her shoulder, almost expecting her hand to be swatted away, but the rebuke never came.
“It’s alright to let us know.” The blue-haired girl’s voice was kind, learned, sympathetic. “There’s no need to keep things quiet with us two. We are your partners, after all.”
The older girl sniffled, her head still bowed. “I never thought this day would come,” she said, forcing back a choked sob. “All my life, I thought that he was unchanging, forever, a constant force of goodness in this world.”
“He?” asked Cupid, beginning to sound worried. “Who’s he?”
“On an objective front, I knew the day would come when he’d finally leave this world,” the superheroine continued. “He was aging, and he had fought numerous illnesses before, and it was only a matter of time before he’d finally lose that internal fight. But that knowledge never made me ready for this, for the day, for the hour when his life would finally slip away.”
“And still the day came anyway,” Lapis finished. “But for whom?”
Sarah looked at her with a visage wracked with utter despair. “We were all blindsided. None of us could believe it at first, but then the truth finally began to sink in that it had happened. So many of us believed that we’d go through our entire life, and not know of it. And yet… Yet so many of us can now say that we lived to hear of it.
“Knowing that, knowing exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard of it… Knowing this fills me with a grief I can’t even begin to describe. Some would say that I shouldn’t care for losses outside of my own family. Believe me, I’ve heard that from some of my own family members. But it doesn’t change the fact that there’s been a hole blown in my heart that can never be filled ever again.”
Cupid realized that whomever she was talking about, it must’ve been very, very important to her. He tilted his head to notice that there was an article on the console screen. “Uh… Lapis? Could you read that? You guys know I can’t–”
“We do,” Lapis replied with an exasperated look. She glanced at the console, and once she saw the title of the article on the screen, her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with both hands, a gasp of horror resounding throughout the RC.
“He was a great man,” said Sarah. “He still is a great man. None of us will ever forget what he did for you and I. For us. For everyone. The world will be a much sadder place without him, and the worst part of all is that it was a much happier place with him. There is nothing in the world we can ever do to repay him, and all we can do now is remember his life, his legacy, his greatness. All we can do is remember him as he was, as he is, and tell our children and our grandchildren about the wholesome greatness that they never were around to experience.”
“Oh dear Arceus…” was all Lapis could say. She looked to Cupid and mouthed, “Sarah’s favorite comics artist in the multiverse has passed away.”
The angel said nothing. He was as speechless as the other two. But then he got to his feet and walked over to his taller partner. And then he hugged her, enveloping her with his arms and wings and resting his head next to hers’.
Sarah hugged him back with one hand, and spread the other arm for Lapis to join. She did the same, tears of her own now leaking from the corners of her eyes. The dark-haired Super promptly buried her face in their shoulders, and started crying in earnest. And her partners cried too, sharing in her pain and grief.
Eventually, Sarah finally managed to calm down, though she was still sniffling and shuddering. She finally lifted her head and looked into the eyes of her partners, recognizing their sympathetic expressions.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
“Words fail me right now,” said Cupid. “I guess I can say that I hope all of us can eventually cope with the loss we’ve sustained.”
“I can’t agree more with that sentiment,” added Lapis.
Sarah turned back to the console and smiled, wiping the tears from her face. “Godspeed, you amazing, wonderful person, and may you find peace and prosperity in the multiverse beyond. Excelsior.”
“Excelsior,” repeated the other two.
They were silent for a long moment. And then Cupid piped up with “…You guys wanna watch Ant Man and the Wasp for movie night tonight? I… I actually haven’t seen that one. And it’s only fair that we spend the evening honoring him. For Sarah’s sake.”
The girls looked at each other, and exchanged smiles in spite of themselves.
“I’d like that more than anything, I think,” replied Sarah.
R.I.P. Stan Lee
December 28, 1922 - November 12, 2018
Excelsior
If you'll excuse the cringeworthy wordplay to start us off, I've been dying harder than a mook at Wade Wilson's mercy to see the Deadpool sequel, and I finally got my wish last weekend. The first movie is as of now my favorite in the X-Men film canon, and this is coming from somebody who's seen most if not all of the movies over the years and really enjoyed both Days of Future Past and Apocalypse. However, Deadpool topped them both by quite a margin by not only rerailing the Merc with a Mouth, but also using quite a bit of self-deprecation among other humor to blow a mile-wide hole in the fourth wall. So, was Deadpool 2 able to outdo the first film in terms of quality and humor? The spoilerific answer is under the cut!
Deadpool 2 starts off... pretty badly, actually. There is definitely humor and a bit of a jab at the ending of Logan - the film literally opens with a music box shaped like the dead Wolverine, in fact - and we get to see the Merc turn himself to ludicrous gibs literally within minutes of the studio titles. Fine and dandy for an introductory sequence, right? But then we get to see why he blew himself up: someone shot Vanessa while he and his gang broke into Wade's apartment. That... that's not how I wanted to start us off. It was a disappointment to me especially since Vanessa actually gains powers in the comics and I'd have wanted to see that play out in a Deadpool sequel, rather than her getting fridged less than ten minutes in. For reasons I'll get to much later in this review, the impact actually wasn't as bad as Mako Mori getting fridged in Pacific Rim: Uprising - which was in its entirety a bitter disappointment for my taste; I seriously hope a third PR movie does get made after all that fixes what this one made such a huge mess of, but I digress. Having Vanessa's death solely be for the sake of Deadpool's development was an upset I worried would detract from the rest of the movie. I even saw it coming, actually - Wade's narration mentions that like other family movies, which he insists this film is an example of, it starts with "a vicious murder"... definitely not him, but with nobody else significant other than Vanessa and her bringing up an interest in having children early on, I just knew it would end badly for her. Again, I'll get back to her later, but her fate left a sour taste in my mouth and I seriously hoped what followed made up for it.
To my surprise - and to my surprise, to my pleasant surprise - Deadpool's quest to do something decent for once, while undermined a little by his love interest's demise, combined the standard dose of fourth-wall-breaking antics, that continent-wide streak of dark black comedy that only Deadpool could deliver, and an impressive degree of character development while still keeping Wade a demented, murderous flock-head who only endears us because of his deceptively sophisticated sense of humor. Even in-universe, a brief cameo by some of the other X-Men demonstrates that with the exception of Colossus, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, and the newly introduced Yukio (who I would later find out also showed up in The Wolverine but in a different timeline and portrayed completely differently), nobody wants anything to do with him whenever he shows up at the mansion. And yet he still charmed us all in spite of all of that. I don't know how the heck he does it - perhaps it's his casual transition between talking with the characters and the audience, and vice versa, or maybe it's his self-deprecation and acknowledgement that he's a total a-hole, or maybe it's both at once. But he remains as quotable and memetic as ever in this movie while also learning valuable life lessons about caring for others, which makes him as strong a protagonist as the first time around while still making his character arc here more distinct and special.
By the same token, the film does a good job of making it seem like there's a main antagonist - the spotlight is put on Vanessa's murderer, Cable, that mutant-hating preacher who abused Russel/Firefist, Russel himself, and Juggernaut, in that order - but ultimately having the main conflict being Deadpool trying to do good for both the world and himself without vivisecting people the way he usually does. There's no major threat to Wade in this movie apart from his own inner struggles, including wanting to see Vanessa in the afterlife, wanting to protect Russel from Cable (who is himself slightly mistaken), and wanting to punish those who abused Russel while not inciting him to go down the dark path Cable was trying to prevent in the first place. Likewise, Russel himself wants vengeance against the preacher who tortured him, but if he kills him he'll start wanting to kill more people and cause the bad future that Cable didn't want, so it's down to Deadpool to get him to see sense. Deadpool's ever-present rival, Colossus, also comes to terms with the nobility of the Merc's intentions, and even gets to loosen up and try out his more vulgar approach to life for once. And even Cable himself, who seems like a villain in the second act of the movie, ultimately comes to understand that you don't have to kill people to prevent a dark future and acts accordingly to help Deadpool. The main theme of the movie is that reckless violence only begets reckless violence, and that breaking the cycle can be difficult - it takes a selfless act from Deadpool himself to do the trick in this case - but the act of caring for others, so complicated and yet so simple, is a more sustainable solution than selfishly acting on your own interests. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think the world could learn from Wade's example if only it took the time to listen.
I've rambled long enough about this movie without getting into the supporting characters as well as the blatant (and bitingly subversive) attempt at making it an X-Force pilot. The marketing played up the characters recruited by Deadpool to rescue Russel to the point where some of the trailers even included scenes featuring them that weren't in the final film (and may have even been made specifically to throw off the public). With one exception, not one of them even survives long enough to participate in said rescue - Bedlam gets hit by a bus, Shatterstar is shredded by helicopter rotors, Zeitgeist goes feet-first into a woodchipper... Even Peter the memetic ordinary guy dies trying to help that last one, though he and the aforementioned exception are also the only members of the group to make it out in the long term. Only Domino, thanks to her luck power, manages to not only stick the landing but be an awesome character from that point forward. Now, I know that weaponized luck ability sounds Suvian, and if written badly it is. But if a line from Domino when the gang gets to the orphanage where Russel was kept is any indication, she used to live there as a kid - and who knows if she was tortured like Russel was. Exploring the problems of her ability, both in her troubled past and in the present day, could be an interesting avenue to explore in her future appearances. It also doesn't hurt that Deadpool actually throws shade at her luck ability for not being photogenic, even though the Disaster Dominoes she causes allow her to get to Russel with ease. Come to think of it, a further way of deconstructing her luck could be having her eventually become aware of the collateral damage it could cause to others, and try to rectify this oversight before she ends up getting lucky at the cost of someone else's life (Maybe she already has and hasn't realized it? I can't tell). Ultimately, Domino is my second favorite character in this movie aside from the Merc himself, and I hope to see more of her in future X-Men installments.
So, where will the third Deadpool movie go now that Vanessa is dead? Well... Towards the end of the movie, Cable used the one remaining charge of his time-travel device to retroactively save Deadpool, by using the same skee-ball token he'd taken from Wade earlier as a pocket protector for its owner (previously he'd taken a bullet shot by Cable himself to save Russel and demonstrate his hidden altruism). In a mid-credits stinger, Negasonic and Yukio fix the device... and give it to Wade by mistake. Whereupon the Merc proceeds to abuse its power to undo the deaths of Vanessa and Peter (along with two old shames of Ryan Reynolds' that I won't spoil even here), meaning that surprise, Vanessa escapes the fridge after all! I honestly should've seen this coming, but unlike with the Time Stone in Avengers: Infinity War, Cable's device never was played up as a means of setting right what had gone wrong in Deadpool's history, so the stinger was a bit of a curveball for me at least. Still, it was a massive relief in hindsight that Vanessa's death was undone, since that means she'll have more room for development in the third Deadpool movie. I'd still want to see her develop superpowers of her own (I think she had shapeshifting in the comics) and ultimately end up fighting alongside her fiancee, and in fact that could be the exact conflict of the third movie if I were to guess - his coaching her through her new life and the complications that both of them being superheroes (well, super-anti-hero in Wade's case) would bring to their relationship. Fridging her in this movie was a mistake, even if it was temporary, but unlike with poor Mako Mori, there is at least a very good chance that the upcoming third film could more than make up for it, and I really hope Vanessa gets a much bigger spotlight in said third film than in this one, because gosh darn it, she needs and deserves it. On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also hopeful that Yukio gets more screentime, especially considering her lovable personality and relationship with Negasonic (major props to the producers for the same-sex pairing representation!), and as with Vanessa, I hope she gets a bigger role and becomes more pivotal to whatever shenanigans Deadpool gets involved with next time he hits the big screen.
As a re-railing of Wade's character, and as the first R-rated X-Men installment, the first Deadpool already did set a pretty high bar, especially since its production was super troubled and it was only after several shake-ups in 20th Century Fox as well as Reynolds supposedly leaking footage of the movie himself that it managed to see the light of day. So was Deadpool 2 a worthy successor? There were a few bumps in the road, sure, but they weren't as consequential as I feared they would, and it was otherwise a hilarious and awesome romp that matched the first film in terms of quality and, yes, even exceeded it, thanks in part to solid supporting characters (Cable and Domino especially) and a slightly less cookie-cutter plotline. It's not perfect by any means - but then again, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as cinematic perfection, and nobody isn't allowed to gut movies they enjoy nor are they forbidden from providing their feedback on what could be done to make these movies better. All the same, the Deadpool series has thus far been a winner in my book, and I rest my case in the wake of Deadpool 2. I look forward to the future cinematic fourth-wall-obliterating adventures of the Merc with a Mouth... even if the rest of the X-Men probably wouldn't.
Heyo, it's been so freaking long since I've done a movie review! But in the wake of all the positive reactions, hype, and feels surrounding the Black Panther movie, I knew for a fact that I HAD to give it a review after seeing it this past weekend. I’ve already posted this review on the PPC Board, so if you want to check it out, the alternative link is here!
Black Panther is a 2018 American superhero film based on the Marvel Comics character of the same name, and is the eighteenth film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). Directed by Ryan Coogler, and written by Coogler and Joe Robert Cole, it stars Chadwick Boseman as T'Challa/Black Panther, alongside Michael B. Jordan, Lupita Nyong'o, Danai Gurira, Martin Freeman, Daniel Kaluuya, Letitia Wright, Winston Duke, Angela Bassett, Forest Whitaker, and Andy Serkis. As with any MCU movie, a lot of fanfare and attention has been drawn to this film, and I was dying to see it to determine if it lived up to all the hype; I am so very glad that we got tickets in advance to watch this movie, because otherwise all the seats would’ve been taken by the time we got to the theater - there were just that many people who wanted to see it. And just as well, because good golly, it is an absolute masterpiece. Spoilers under the cut!
Starting things off with the writing and characterization, I have to say that almost all the characters in the film were enjoyable and engaging to watch, and there were plenty of great moments from everyone concerned. T'Challa, despite being the obvious star of the show, actually feels kinda stoic compared to the liveliness of quite a few of the secondary characters which I'll get to a bit later, but he still has a compelling storyline, and while I was worried that he'd remain somewhat static throughout the movie, there were quite a few gut punches that ensured that he'd grow as a person and also as a ruler. The movie did a good job of demonstrating that he had big shoes to fill in a metaphorical sense, and also that even if T'Chaka had tried to be the best example that he could be for his son, his past mistakes would still come to light eventually and force T'Challa to reevaluate his worldview. This is especially apparent when it becomes known that T'Chaka, when he had donned the Black Panther suit, had been forced to kill the Wakandan traitor whose son would grow up to become Killmonger. It was a split-second decision driven by the impulse to save the life of the other Wakandan spy present, but the urge to keep up appearances for the sake of the nation ended up having far-reaching consequences that would've resulted in far more unnecessary casualties if T'Challa and later M'Baku and his tribe hadn't intervened. That kind of split-second decision is mirrored in the story in general, when T'Challa's lack of information regarding Killmonger's origin story almost costs him the throne and even his life, only being saved by the intervention of M'Baku and his remaining allies' delivery of the last Heart-Shaped Herb. Eventually, after fighting his way back to his own kingdom, he's forced to deal with Killmonger using the only remaining option left after the failure of diplomacy and civility, through violence and possible death. This history essentially repeating itself is one of the biggest contributions to T'Challa's character growth, and also his decision to make Wakanda a more publicly open nation willing to use its resources to aid the world at large in the end. It shows that he's realized how much impact even very short-term decisions can have in a sort of ripple effect, as well as the major setback of trying to lock Wakanda as a whole behind figurative closed doors: that sort of isolationism prevents you from interacting with the world around you and, like it or not, making the kinds of mistakes needed to move forward.
Naturally, since T'Challa sets a pretty high bar, the secondary characters and antagonists kinda have to settle for being second fiddle, but they all have traits of their own that help move the plot forward. The main antagonist, the aforementioned Killmonger, is interesting among the other Marvel villains in that instead of the typical "KILL EVERYTHING" or "take over the world" MO (or sometimes both) without many reasons other than "MWAHAHA I'M EVIL", he actually has a rather valid and understandable reason for his actions. The recent instances of black people being persecuted simply for their color, even in the modern day and age, are a strong force of motivation grounded in a sad reality, although the means by which Killmonger was planning to achieve that goal - by waging war on every other race - were undoubtedly going to cause as many problems as they'd solve if not more. Another interesting factor is how Killmonger's rule essentially divides up the entire nation; while Shuri (whom I'll get to later) is loyal to T'Challa through and through, and goes out of her way to help him and his cause, other characters like Okoye (initially) and W'Kabi simply serve the man in the throne whether or not he's truly fighting for the force of good. This actually threatens to tear the nation apart during Killmonger's campaign, and again, it's only because T'Challa and M'Baku's tribe join forces to stop him that things don't escalate into all-out carnage. As a wise man once said, hate begets hate - whether you think it's justified or not, the total extermination of people who are different than you, even if a few gave you grief in the past, is the wrong way to act, and only makes you like those very people who attacked you first. I have to give props to T'Challa for not falling into the same trap that his father did and offing Killmonger directly; instead, he attempted to show mercy, as well as a Wakandan sunset like in the tales Killmonger had heard as a child, but rather than spend life in prison with his reputation in shambles, Killmonger chose to essentially commit suicide and end the cycle. Even if he nearly caused an all-out civil war within the Wakandan borders, Killmonger is still a tragic figure, and that makes a big impact on all of us.
My favorite character by far, however, has to be Shuri. It's established very early on that she's not only a child prodigy, but also a youthful, spunky teenager with a wholesome sense of humor (and in at least three instances, a penchant for memery, trolling, and cringe-inducing puns on almost the same level as Chibi Yang). While she seems to be a light-hearted comic relief, though, she also plays one of the most critical roles in the story - rescuing the Heart-Shaped Herb that would later be given to T'Challa for his second wind - and her humor is offset by a dedication to her responsibilities as well as her intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of the Black Panther role as well as his loyalty to T'Challa regardless of the situation. It's probably this that leads to her being so important in helping T'Challa recover, and I'm proud of her for being both the heart of the movie (T'Challa, of course, being the soul) and a nuanced and lovable character in her own right.
The writing of the movie is also quite well done due to the points noted above and much more. Racism, prejudice, loyalty, and the impact of even the smallest things are themes that are prominent throughout the entire movie. I was very concerned that the sole major white character, Everett Ross, would turn out to be a villain (though thankfully that wasn't the case, and he gets an awesome support role in the climax that Han Solo would be proud of), and Ulysses Klaue IS a secondary antagonist, but it's interesting that ultimately, the conflict is waged by blacks, among blacks. This ties into the concept that there is no such thing as reverse racism - even if it's blacks persecuting whites, it's still way over the line if it isn't in self-defense. The conflicting solutions proposed by T'Challa and Killmonger - coming to terms with the outside world and reaching out to lend aid to it vs. only looking out for your own and forsaking all others to keep them from harm - are an uncomfortable mirror to a lot of real-world politics in recent years, but in true MCU tradition, it's the idealistic approach that wins the day in the end, although as expected for a conflict as intense as this, there are still quite a few casualties at the end of it all, and unlike many other instances in the MCU and beyond, most of these are impactful and placed tactfully enough to move the story forward.
I dont' even need to say that the graphics and visuals of this movie are absolutely gorgeous. Wakanda as a city is stunning, the various African landscapes breathtaking, and the vehicle design and choreography as masterful as a Star Wars movie. The costume and character design as well are splendid, and it is at this point that I'd like to call attention to the costume designer for this movie: Ruth E. Carter, who's also done work for such films as "Malcom X" and "School Daze" - plus she's African, and has done extensive research for this movie's designs, drawing from a wide variety of African cultures. Really, this entire movie is a feast for the eyes and absolutely worth seeing for that fact alone. My one gripe is that the war rhinos seen early in the movie and then in the climax are notably CGI, and could've been improved with some animatronic work like in the first Jurassic Park movie (or heck, they could even have used real rhinos, but IDK how much hassle that would've resulted in), but that's a minor quibble that doesn't detract from an otherwise spectacular feature.
I'm well aware that complaints about this movie have had to be filtered extensively on RottenTomatoes to prevent Internet Racism(TM) from marring the reviews unnecessarily, but that's a can of worms I'm not going into for the sake of my dignity. On my own terms, however, I do have one suggestion for improving the movie: instead of murdering Klaue just halfway through the movie, Killmonger could've just as easily pounded him into submission and forced him to work for him as a sort of Dragon (in TV Tropes lingo). T'Challa and Ross vs. Killmonger and Klaue would've been interesting to see, especially considering how threatening Klaue was with his cyborg arm and what it could do to both T'Challa and those poor innocent vehicles involved in the car chase in Korea. He'd have made an interesting secondary antagonist that could've opportunistically interfered with the warring parties and stirred up tensions just to tear down Wakanda out of spite. I'm not about to suggest an "Everett vs. Klaue" scenario - which was actually what Everett was planning in the first place when he entered this movie - but giving Klaue a bigger role before he gets offed would've made said murder more impactful and karmatic after all he's done. That's largely splitting hairs, though - I'm sure there are people who instead feel that Killmonger getting rid of Klaue early prevents competition. Who knows?
On a final note, here are two things I really want to see in future MCU films: 1) a movie with a predominantly Asian cast and setting, and 2) a movie starring Devil Freaking Dinosaur. I'll admit that both of these are kinda self-centered, but the first one in particular is probably more desirable at large because there aren't that many Asian characters at all in the MCU (Mantis from Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 and Colleen Wing from the Iron Fist TV show are probably the only ones I can think of off the top of my head, though I may have missed a few more), but one of the big things I'm noticing from the Black Panther release is that African-American and black children have come to look up to him as a hero in the same way that a lot of girls look up to Wonder Woman with the number growing since her own film release - so if the same thing could happen with an Asian superhero, that would be amazing. A quick look at the Marvel Comics online archives presents me with Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, who has actually joined the Avengers in the comics and would make a very interesting and cool addition to their MCU incarnation. As for Devil Dinosaur, I don't even need to explain why he'd become beloved if he ever shows up in a MCU movie, even as a minor character... just keep him away from the palaeo-discourse and he should be fine.
All in all,
Black Panther
isn't a perfect movie, but it's very close to being one and I'm so happy for its success. While there are a few minor things I feel would've been worth fixing here and there, I don't see any obvious faults and certainly none that detract from how amazing it is. Do yourself a favor and give it a spin - I can promise that you'll be in for a visual and auditory treat from start to finish.
As the title says, commissions are now open! Feel free to step right up and pay me for art, though remember to read the rules below first!
What I will draw:
Fakemon (duh!).
Pokémon-related things in general (Pokémon, items, locations, scenes, etc.).
Fantasy creatures and creature designs.
Animals in general, both living and extinct.
Fanart, as long as it’s SFW, bonus points for if it’s a fandom I’m familiar with.
Your OCs and OC concepts. This includes you or your persona, as long as you keep any reference images of yourself confidential so as to avoid accidental leakage of private information.
Single-subject pictures, or anything involving at most two subjects.
Weapons and items. Keep in mind that these are usually 3D-modeled and may take longer or shorter than usual to produce depending on how complex they are.
Logos and emblems.
General character artwork, scenes, etc.
What I’ll consider drawing:
Group pictures. I’ve done pics with up to ten people before, but that’s a very taxing endeavor. I’ll generally be most comfortable with five subjects or less, especially for finished pics. Lineart or base color pics carry a little more leeway for me.
My OCs. I’m currently in the process of revising more or less all of my characters, and I haven’t finalized any of them just yet; I’d rather hold off on doing artwork with them until I’ve done so. If I post a finalized design I’ll also provide an indicator that yes, they can be used with my commission work, provided that you do the research regarding their characterization and acceptable scenarios involving them. Exceptions to this rule include my eligible PPC characters (I’ll put up a list of them ASAP for reference) and characters whom I’ve adopted from other people.
Canon characters from continua I’m not familiar with. Please provide as much ref art as you can in such instances, so I can have a better reference pool for work featuring such characters.
Comics (four panels or less is fine, but more than that would require further discussion; no multi-page comics, period).
SFW anthro. I’m not interested in drawing NSFW anthro stuff, of course, but I’ve drawn vanilla anthro before and while I don’t have as much interest in it as general creature design, I’m open to anthro commissions as long as you keep them family friendly.
Pics involving creature violence, up to and including gory battle scenes. Snuff artwork and mutilation of canon characters are exceptions to this possibility and fall under inflammatory artwork, though.
What I WON’T draw:
NSFW content in general - this is my (mostly) SFW account for a reason. I do have NSFW commission info but if you want a NSFW commission then you’ll have to PM me for it so I can route the info to you. (As noted above, though, monster violence involving gore is a possible exception. It shouldn’t be the main subject, though.)
Inflammatory subject matter, e.g. hate art. Whether it’s directed towards canon characters or other real-life people doesn’t matter, it’s always off-limits. This also goes for offensive subject matter in general, e.g. anything that slanders religion, race, sexual orientation, politics, etc.
Anything to do with current events, e.g. political cartoons. This can potentially fall under inflammatory content as noted above.
Commission Directions
NOTE ME FIRST. Discussing ideas before putting them on paper is a very important step to getting a commission done. Please let me know what scenario you want, what characters, and whether or not you want lineart, base colors, etc.
BE SPECIFIC. Send me as much ref art as possible, and try to describe what you want for your scenario as much as you’re able. This way I’ll have a better idea of what to draw.
I only accept cash commissions at this time. As tempting as point commissions sound, I need the cash money right now and I’d rather be able to use my earnings for things.
If you want me to draw artwork featuring another person’s characters, ask the other person first. This goes without saying - I don’t want to have to draw a character without their owner’s consent!
Once we get the details taken care of, I’ll determine whether or not I’ll be able to draw the commission, and send you my e-mail address if I am. Be ready to send the appropriate payment through PayPal as soon as possible; I won’t start drawing until the payment is provided in full. Again, I reserve the right to refuse a commission if it doesn’t abide by the above rules, but do be aware that I’m a very busy person, and I have to turn down a commission if I simply don’t have the time or resources to create it.
When the work is finished, I’ll let you know ASAP and we can discuss whether to post the pic or not. If you want to post it on your account, I’ll send you the completed pic so you can do so, but otherwise I’ll put it up on my DeviantArt and Tumblr accounts. If you don’t want me to post the work publicly, let me know as soon as possible.
Tying to the above, if you want to share the finished work online yourself, DO NOT DISRESPECT MY CREATIVE EFFORTS. This includes failing to credit me or linking back to my dA account, removing my signature from the finished work, or claiming that you created the work and deserve all the credit for it. I’ve seen the front and back ends of too many kerfuffles over this matter, and my stance is clear on this matter: I, THE CREATOR OF THE WORK, AM ALSO THE LEGAL OWNER OF IT, AND ERASING ME FROM THE WORK OR OTHERWISE NOT CREDITING ME WHEN SHARING IT IS ILLEGAL AS WELL AS POOR CONDUCT. So if you think removing my signature when sharing something YOU PAID ME to create is a good idea, don’t commission me at all.
Likewise, when it comes to my prices, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, PERIOD. Do not ask me to lower my prices, do NOT bargain with me regarding prices, and do NOT ask if you can hold off your payment until after I finish the work. Be aware that I’m in a less stellar position than I feel I should be in terms of savings money, so every penny counts towards keeping me being able to afford the things I need and want. I THEREFORE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO REFUSE A COMMISSION IF THE EFFORT REQUIRED DOES NOT MATCH THE SUM YOU’RE OFFERING. That being said, if you’re willing to change your offer to a cheaper commission type, e.g. a $15 lineart instead of a $20 color piece, please note me as soon as possible so I can adjust accordingly. I’m willing to take lower payments as long as you understand that this affects the outcome of the commission and as long as you keep the discussion civil.
I’m a SLOOOOOW drawer. Work, family, chores, and just plain old procrastination are all to blame for that. If you feel that I’ve unknowingly neglected a commission you paid for or which we’ve otherwise settled, please let me know as soon as possible and I’ll add or re-add you to the commission to-do list for future reference. Or just remind me in general so I won’t forget.
Prices
Standard Commissions:
Lineart: $15 (1 subject) + $5 per extra subject
Base Color, No Background: $20 (1 subject) + $10 per extra subject; $5 extra for shading
Finished Artwork (Fully shaded): $30 (1 subject) + $10 per extra subject; $10 extra for background
Special Commissions:
Fakemon: $10 per stage (i.e. a 3-stage line would cost $30); shiny colors are $2 extra. This pricing also goes for Mega Evolutions, regional variants, and form changes, which require their own separate artworks and count as separate “stages”.
Character Concept Sheets: $20 (1 subject only). Additional fees for supplementary sketches may apply; feel free to talk to me about such extra material.
Logos, Emblems, and Sprite Work (transparent): $5 per subject or logo; $1 extra for sprite shading; alternatively, $20 for a Pokémon-style sprite sheet.
Literature: $50 (up to 10 pages on GDocs) + $10 per extra 5 pages. I have very little time for writing as it is, so I’ll need a very good reason to write something for you! Any number of characters is fine, as long as they abide by the rules above.
That’s all, folks! Here’s to making a lot of good commissions in the future!
Julkath was created by SkarmorySilver for the ATOM Create a Kaiju Contest. SkarmorySilver retains all the rights to Julkath, and the illustration and profile here are adapted from his work. Whil…
Ok I managed to squeeze one in today. It helps that the entry in question had a pretty well developed basis for the kaiju file text! Still, I might need to decrease the pace to one file a day for a bit - this weekend has suddenly become very busy for me, as life is wont to do.
ANYWAY, today’s file is Julkath by @skarmorysilver! This is actually a kind of funny one because it’s actually based on a kaiju concept I cut from ATOM originally - rescued from the cutting room floor as it were. Does this make Julkath the ATOM equivalent of Bagan?
Regardless of origin, Julkath is an awesome monster in his own right. A perfectly over the top sabre tooth cat monster, I feel like Julkath is sort of the Pleistocene counterpart of Tyrantis - which, given his Russian environment, may make him the Russian Hero Kaiju? I don’t know if that was intentional on the creator’s part, but I saw this guy and immediately felt he had a place of prominence for the Russian monsters. He won’t be the only kaiju in this contest who gets to be “(insert nation here)’s Tyrantis” in my little headcanon for these kaiju. Also, I have to laud the fact that Julkath here takes a monster design I could never quite get right and makes it work. That’s impressive and wonderful to me.
Dude, thank you sooooo much for this! :D Julkath’s original concept was one of my favorite designs from your previous drafts of ATOM and I’m happy to see that my redesign worked so well! I honestly didn’t think about Julkath being the Russian answer to Tyrantis but that’s actually a surprisingly appropriate analogy. Julkath does indeed make an interesting foil to him, come to think of it, as while both of them are based on iconic prehistoric predators, Julkath is the (marginally) more mindless and bestial of the two despite being based off a mammal. I can totally see the ol’ kitty being dragged into the crisis which is the plot of the Soviet ATOM spinoff (if such ever happens) in the same fashion as Old Man Henderson, except replacing the weed with kaiju-fied catnip and the “wee men” with giant mutant cattle or something, in a nod to aliens stealing livestock. XD
(On a side note, the bit people mentioned about kaiju not being able to starve was something I kinda overlooked when I penned the original bio. Then again, Julkath serves as a population control agent and his choice to prey on all those livestock is probably his feline instincts talking, even though being a kaiju and all he’s technically outgrown his base animal’s endothermic metabolism. ^_~)
I also have to say that he looks absolutely awesome in your style. If anything, the curmudgeonly look I was trying to go for has been done even better in this art piece, and I honestly never considered that scowl you gave him but dammit, it works so WELL. He just looks so DONE with everything, as he should be, and his sideways glance makes it feel like he’s thinking “If that damn armadillo steps onto my lawn just ONE MORE TIME…” Knowing his personality, it’s pretty appropriate. :P
Well done, overall. I’m happy to have helped contribute to your kaijuverse alongside so many other people, and I look forward to seeing more of this perfect boy and the other ATOM contest entries in the future. :D
According to all known laws of biology, there is no way a bee and a fish should be able to breed. The bee's "compartment" is too small to allow the fish's "equipment" to fertilize it. This astounding hybrid, of course, exists anyways. Because wizards don’t care about what humans think is impossible.
Base Creatures: Any type of bee, hornet, or wasp + any type of magical fish, including leviathans(!)
Notes: A bizarre experiment in stretching the limits of animal hybridization, the apicamp was first created completely by accident, when a vial of leviathan blood was accidentally spilled near a nest of hornets. After the workers drank up the blood and fed it to their babies, some of these larvae began undergoing a bizarre transformation as they grew into adults, developing more fin-like wings, and more importantly, a long abdomen with translucent fins resembling the tail of a fish. These strange hybrids were largely ignored and seemingly vanished without a trace, until a hive-like structure made of mud was discovered in a nearby lake a few months later. These water-dwelling “sea wasps” turned out to be even more aggressive than regular hornets, not to mention a good deal larger, swarming and killing a fair number of monster slayers before their hive was finally destroyed by a squadron of knights with sting-impervious armor.
The word was out, however - after it was discovered that feeding the blood of any magically attuned fish to the colony of any species of bee or wasp would result in this weird combination, a number of enterprising wizards tried to create sea bees/wasps of their own, letting them establish hives in their castle moats to try and deter intruders. Bee-based apicamps were the most successful of these attempts, being relatively more docile - like mundane bees, their barbed stingers lodged in anything they impaled, forcing them to pull out part of their abdomens to escape and die later, so their stings were only used as a last resort. Wasp-based apicamps, of course, were a disaster in physical form, being able to sting repeatedly and unable to distinguish friend from foe. Sea wasps were thus phased out in favor of sea bees, which even became heraldic emblems in a few places.
Apicamps are able to swim like fish and fly like bees, but aren’t good at walking. They’re thus limited to areas near or in water like swamps, rivers, and coastlines. Without flowers or nectar, they can’t and don’t produce honey, and prefer to feed on plant juices and carrion residue instead, but their regurgitant is often touted as a useful potion enhancer. The venom of an apicamp, being magically enhanced, leaves an agonizing sensation for up to a week after being stung, and multiple apicamp stings in succession can lead to paralysis which can rarely be fatal; not only is it more beneficial for certain potions of harming than mundane bee venom, but being larger, apicamps naturally produce more per sting and can be brought under control more easily.
While apicamps can be encountered either above or below the water, their queens have to remain underwater at all times to spawn, typically within the confines of the hive. It is thus unknown how large they can grow, though given the immense size of leviathans in general, a fully-grown apicamp queen would be a terrifying sight indeed.
@tyrantisterror - Since two other people submitted Cecilverse concepts I might as well. The Sea-bee is a heraldic emblem listed on Wikipedia, but the article is a stub and only has one source that I can’t access online, and Google turns up some kinda Navy mascot or something. Um. ._.’
I imagine that such a thing existing could be a nod to the archaic belief that every land animal had an underwater counterpart, which is why we have merlions, hippocamps, etc.
How long has it been since I updated my writing blog? Anyway, having listened to the songs of Moana on repeat over the past few weeks (and having loved the movie besides), I thought about a post made a while ago by a certain someone I know, comparing the scene with Tamatoa to Bilbo’s encounter with Smaug in The Hobbit book. So, well... this happened. XD
I may do a recording of this parody in the future, but no promises considering how busy I am. ^^; I’d certainly like to sometime, though! ;)
The LoTR universe (c) Tolkien
Moana (c) Disney
Well, Smaug the Golden hasn't always been this great
I was a drab dragon back then
Now I know I can be of the highest rate
Because I'm glorious, theifling
Did your wizard say help the ones in need
Be who they want you to become
I need three words to get his reasoning to bleed
Your wizard's scum!
I'd rather be...
Shiny
Like a treasure from a dwarven kingdom's lair
Heat the air and make it look...
Shiny
'Cuz I sparkle like the eleven ruler's chair
Like I care!
Don't you know
Men are dumb, dumb, dumb
They chase anything that glitters (beginners!)
Oh, and when they come, come, come
To the brightest thing that glitters
Instant dinners
I just love free eats
And you look like fresh meats
(Like fresh meats)
Well, well, well
Little Thorin's having trouble staying sane
You little teeny-weeny-meanie king
Ooh! I guess my gold is really
gonna make it rain
By which I mean fire comin' down, man
Is that what I'm hearing right about revenge?
The Lord of Dale's dead as doornails
I’ve slaughtered every soldier underneath this henge
Check out my scales - oh yes, they're too...
Shiny
For I laid low the warriors before your day
Now I'm old, and strong, and so...
Shiny
My armor's like a field of iron shields so gray
My teeth are swords
Thorin man, my claws are spears, spears, spears
And you can't expect a dwarven king
To beat a beast of bling (Come and try!)
My breath is death and fear
Now it's time for me to batter down
That pleasant town
No blade can pierce me for I’m armored with
Scales of iron and hard gems which
Men cannot fathom
You tried to be tough
But your blade is just not sharp enough
Thorin
Now it's time to send you...
Soarin'
Ever seen a beast so...
Shiny
'Cuz a dragon's better than you'll ever be
You will see, unlike thee,
I'm so...
Shiny
Now your people will be dead because of me,
Scream and flee!
They'll never know bling so shiny
The Arkenstone, oh so...
From the Files of RC #2319 Mission Seven: An Appeal to the Gods An unlisted and completely incompetent high-fantasy crossover pushes everyone’s buttons as hard as it can. Disclaimer: The PPC originally belonged to Jay and Acacia. Chris and Ami are mine. Miguel was originally written by Time Jum...
I told you the next one after woof woof power was worse. At least this one was a) shorter and b) more likely a trollfic.
Seriously, if any of you know any good Lord of the Rings/Zelda crossovers, message me with the fic’s name and a link.
Armor Bird Reviews: “Gods of Egypt” (Starring some special guests!)
It’s been a while since I did one of these things, eh? Well, normally I only review movies I’ve seen in theaters but for this one I’ll make an exception, because I’ve really wanted to do an MST-style riff of a movie with relevant characters. Being the fan of SMITE that I am, I just had to have two of the most popular Egyptian gods from that game sit through it! Anyway, a little intro...
Gods of Egypt is a 2016 Australian-American fantasy action film directed by Alex Proyas. It stars Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Brenton Thwaites, Chadwick Boseman, Élodie Yung, Courtney Eaton, Rufus Sewell, Gerard Butler and Geoffrey Rush. It’s supposed to be an account of the fight between Horus and Set, which is obviously one of the most famous stories in Egyptian mythology. Unfortunately, well... as soon as I saw that there was whitewashing involved like in Exodus: Gods and Kings, I knew things were not going to look good for it. I missed it when it was in theaters but I did decide to do a sort of “liveblog” of it when my roommate borrowed it on DVD, though, as noted above. What was their reaction? Well, check it out under the cut! As always, expect spoilers.
[Ra:] Hello, mortals, and welcome to our liveblog of the latest in Ra'merican theatrical trash. A movie so foul, so horribly CRUEL, that I'm glad my mother, the incarnation of the waters of creation, don't appear even once onscreen! Because really, how embarrassing would it have been if she'd been bungled by those buffoons from the pit of torment called Hollywood?
[Neith:] That's right, we're watching Gods of Egypt! This movie was recommended to us by someone who wishes to remain anonymous, and we figured we'd give it a look just to see if it really is as bad as it sounds!
[Ra:] You'd think that with my heat burning the actors to ashes, they'd have much darker skin than they seem to.
[Neith:] Let's not get into all of that. Not after that Exodus movie... which is its own can of worms that we'd rather not get into.
[Ra:] At least the gods didn't show up in that caravan-wreck of a film. But THIS one, on the other hand...
[Neith:] Hold up. We'd better watch this movie in its entirety before we weigh its worth against Ma'at's feather.
[Ra:] Which will probably catapult it straight into Ammut's mouth, if the critical reception is any indicator.
[Neith:] Ra, the film's starting. Ready to start riffing?
[Ra:] Definitely!
[Neith:] Alright, who wants popcorn?
[Ra:] I refuse to accept such a tasteless offering with no nutritional value. Hm, y’know what, never mind. Don’t mind if I do!
[Neith:] Anyway, nice to see that they'd put up the title straight away. Talk about sincerity.
[Ra:] And they'd totally use exposition from an older character, because why not. The gods, living alongside men? As if!
[Neith:] I don't know. I rather like humanity.
[Ra:] And *transforming* into frightening beasts? Anubis and Sobek are frightening enough as it is!
[Neith:] Hm. I kinda thought me with a lioness head would lok rather spiffy.
[Ra:] At least they're getting the mythology behind Osiris and Set right... for now.
[Neith:] I'll have to hand it to them, though, the lore is pretty accurate so far.
[Ra:] Emphasis on 'so far.'
[Neith:] A man of fortitude would be needed to save the world. Huh, I thought the gods had all the power they needed?
[Ra:] Which is the entire point I was trying to make!
[Neith:] Whatever you say, Ra.
[Ra:] And Bek... His name's Bek. More like Bleck.
[Neith:] He looks cute. Maybe I should invite him to visit?
[Ra:] Eww. Mother, you embarrass me sometimes.
[Neith:] Hey, at least I care about you. That's what matters.
[Ra:] And neither of us cares for Bek or his lover, Zaya. The power of love, huh? This already feels like a sappy romantic comedy. I, for one, prefer action, explosions, and FIRE!
[Neith:] This is already starting to look like Aladdin. Which isn't doing it any favors, by the way.
[Ra:] Tell me about it. Wait... THAT'S HORUS?! NO! Horus does NOT look like a mere MORTAL, not with that scruff!
[Neith:] Wow. He's so arrogant. And so handsome...
[Ra:] Seriously, mother?
[Neith:] Well, his actor does look quite nice. But yes, probably not Horus. Oooh, the bracelet of 42 stars! Serqet would like that...
[Ra:] Lion slayer. LION slayer. I'll show HIM a lion! Surely he'd crumble before the sight of Sekhmet alone!
[Neith:] That's a bit much, even for you. We're only just getting started.
[Ra:] And it's only going to get worse from here.
[Neith:] Ooh, her comes the coronation! So prett-wait, why are their taiko drums there? And what's with the carriage being lifted by birds?
[Ra:] A god's work, no doubt. And the bird carriage? Nepthys. Go figure.
[Neith:] Well, she is affiliated with the Benu Bird in some stories. Oh, and here comes Thoth. At least he looks like the ethnicity he should be...
[Ra:] And what, "Hail Ra, lord of light"? These mortals don't deserve my blessing. They don't even have a proper suntan! And - uh - WHAT?! THAT'S OSIRIS?!
[Neith:] Yeah... My respect of this movie is starting to go down already.
[Ra:] And here comes Set. Sans animal head, obviously.
[Neith:] Why is he being portrayed by Leonidas? He doesn't even belong in Egypt!
[Ra:] And Set's giving Horus a 'hunting horn'. Who's willing to bet it summons some kind of siege monster?
[Neith:] Don't be so sure, Ra. It could be just a crowning present.
[Ra:] Nope. And look, he's summoning an army. My guess was pretty close.
[Neith:] Osiris wouldn't fight his brother... That's not what our Osiris would do. Not at all.
[Ra:] Aaand cue him getting shanked. Dissapointing.
[Neith:] Oh no... Osiris doesn't deserve this. Even if he isn't of the right skin tone.
[Ra:] THIS Osiris does -
[Neith:] Ra, enough. Even you should know your limits.
[Ra:] They are mortals, mother. What's the difference?
[Neith:] This is embarrassing. And I don’t get embarrassed easily, which says a lot.
[Ra:] And THERE's the part where they turn into beast-men... By my light, they look like trash! And that fight looks totally fake.
[Neith:] Ra, don't look!
[Ra:] Neith, I want to see how this goes!
[Neith:] But Set's tearing out Horus's... Oh gods. Now I can't look!
[Ra:] And here comes Set's reign of terror. Slavery for everyone, just the way I like i-
[Neith:] ENOUGH, Ra.
[Ra:] You can't tell me what to do, mother! I am the gods-damn SUN!
[Neith:] Then why doesn't Khepri roll you across the sky every day?
[Ra:] Shut up. Anyway, how to get Horus' eyes back? How indeed?
[Neith:] Well, why wouldn't Bek be a thief? A rogue like him would always get the treasure. It only makes sense.
[Ra:] It's cheap storytelling and you know it.
[Neith:] And now, back to Set... and he's sleeping with Hathor. Wow. Just... wow.
[Ra:] And Zaya's slave-owner is also his servant. Of course.
[Neith:] Well, leave it to Set to be so demanding. He always was such a brat, even in our game. Oooh, here comes the break-in! Exciting!
[Ra:] Are all those traps even necessary? This is like Indiana Jones ad not in a good way!
[Neith:] At least it's action-packed! That sorta counts in this movie's favor, does it?
[Ra:] No, it doesn't. And the eye blinds people? REALLY?!
[Neith:] Does it do that in the actual myths? My memory of Horus is starting to get a little fuzzy...
[Ra:] ...Zaya dies. To advance the plot. Seriously?
[Neith:] Okay, now I feel a little insulted.
[Ra:] At least they can bring her back to life, right? Because the gods have the power to do that, right? GODS, it's not that simple!
[Neith:] At least Horus is trying...
[Ra:] And here comes Anubis... GODS, he looks hideous! Even our Anubis would be disgusted!
[Neith:] And Zaya has nothing to offer for her passage... Oh, oh no...
[Ra:] And so begins the not-so-epic quest to get Horus' other eye back AND save Zaya. Predictable as ever eh?
[Neith:] And meanwhile, Set's preparing for war... And he's certainly not happy that the eye's been taken. He's out for blood...
[Ra:] So, what are our lovely heroes doing now?
[Neith:] They want to "kill the desert" somehow... and that means...
[Ra:] THEY'RE INVOKING ME?! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!
[Neith:] And I'm pretty sure that Horus would need both eyes to get the suit back...
[Ra:] I... I... THAT'S ME?! GODS AND GODDESSES, I AM INSULTED!
[Neith:] Heh, you look like a beardless Barbossa.
[Ra:] I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A BEARDLESS BARBOSSA!!
[Neith:] I have to admit, though, the solar boat looks impressive... And so does the scenery. Ditto for the celestial river where they get the waters of creation from to extinguish Set’s eternal fire.
[Ra:] THE SUN IS BEING DRAGGED BEHIND THE BOAT! WHERE’S KHEPRI?! AND I - WHAT?! THAT'S APEP?!
[Neith:] He looks ilke a giant sandworm....
[Ra:] THIS IS LITERALLY THE DUMBEST MOVIE EVER! WHY DID I EVEN AGREE TO WATCH THIS?!
[Neith:] Because I said so?
[Ra:] I'm done. I'm so done.
[Neith:] Ra, we aren't done with the movie yet. We need to evaluate it in its entirety to judge its worth. Though even I must admit that it's pretty terrible.
[Ra:] See?
[Neith:] And now, back to Set... and Khepri's pulling his chariot? Really?
[Ra:] Those are just very big beetles. MORTAL very big beetles. And Set wants to kill his wife? What even-
[Neith:] Wait - Is that Isis?!
[Ra:] No, that's Nepthys. But... BUT... WHY DOES SHE HAVE RED HAIR?!
[Neith:] I never noticed that until now. Yeah, I don't know either. And don't her wings attach to her arms, or... Wait, that’s Isis.
[Ra:] This is the LEAST faithful movie about is I've ever seen!
[Neith:] And he cuts off her wings... OUCH.
[Ra:] And now, back to Horus...
[Neith:] And Bek, too. Don't forget that.
[Ra:] I don't care about Bleck! I hope he gets killed by at least one of the monsters who's shown up so far...
[Neith:] He won't. He's a main character.
[Ra:] So, even those goat monsters who are trying to kill him right now can't hurt him?
[Neith:] Horus is after them. They stand no chance.
[Ra:] Predictable.
[Neith:] Oh, and Hathor's in love with Set - no, she's in love with Horus - Wait, has Hathor even shown up here in SMITE yet?
[Ra:] Nope, and neither have Set and Horus. Surprisingly.
[Neith:] Huh. Guess Hathor’s a good gal after all, that’s nice. And she’s been banished to the world of the dead... Hm, I wonder if she'll meet Zaya there?
[Ra:] Mother, stop being so sentimental!
[Neith:] And now back to your regular programming... Oooh, I know this part! I've seen it in the trailers-
[Ra:] The snakes? Really?
[Neith:] Yep. Ooh, here they come!
[Ra:] Here we go again with the cheap action scenes.
[Neith:] But they look soo cool! Though I don't remember snakes breathing fire. Didn't Horus say they have venom instead?
[Ra:] DING DING! PLOT HOLE!
[Neith:] Maybe the venom combusts? Like dragon fire?
[Ra:] Dragons don't live in Egypt, you twat.
[Neith:] I thought Apep was-Huh? Is that Hathor? How did she get back to the land of the living?
[Ra:] DING DING! ANOTHER PLOT HOLE!
[Neith:] Well, at least she's pretty awesome... Commanding the snake to set itself on fire?
[Ra:] And then getting bridal-carried by Horus in the very next scene. SHE'S MY SISTER, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS! Surely she'd be able to stand up for herself!
[Neith:] She brainwashed a giant snake to kill itself. Does that count?
[Ra:] And now they're visiting Thoth... He should have the head of an ibis...
[Neith:] Well, he's every bit as eccentric as we feel he should be... And he's agreed to come with them. This should be interesting.
[Ra:] The Sphinx only speaks riddles in Greek myth, not Egyptian. Get it right, you sunbaked clods!
[Neith:] And they can't bring Zaya back... Who's willing to bet they manage to do it in the end?
[Ra:] See? You're learning to predict plot twists now!
[Neith:] Well, that's something I'm learning from you.
[Ra:] And look, they're communicating with Zaya. So they'll find a way to bring her back just like you said! Would now be a good time to say I told you so?
[Neith:] Don't press your luck, Ra. We've still got half a movie left.
[Ra:] How long is this movie, anyway? I lost track of the time...
[Neith:] ...and you don't care, either. I see.
[Ra:] They're now making their way into the pyramid... I hope Bleck gets crushed. Or drowned in sand. Or burned to death.
[Neith:] Well... He found his way in and stopped the pyramid all by himself. Impressive. And now they're fighting the Sphinx...
[Ra:] The Sphinx is supposed to be female. Right?
[Neith:] Well... That was actually a pretty impressive scene - but wait, is Set actually waiting for them?!
[Ra:] Well... They can't bring her back. Seems like I was wrong... unless there's a last minute plot twist pulled out of the producers' butts?
[Neith:] You tried, you guys. You tried.
[Ra:] And one stereotypical temple collapse later...
[Neith:] Well, Hathor at least is doing her part to make up for the deception. Even if it means she's being sent back to the afterlife...
[Ra:] And speaking of the afterlife... The scales of justice. But... AMMUT SHOULD BE THE ONE EATING THOSE HEARTS! THEY WEIGH HEARTS AGAINST MA'AT'S FEATHER, NOT TREASURE!
[Neith:] The payment to the afterlife really smacks of Greek myth, doesn't it?
[Ra:] Ugh. I really hate this movie.
[Neith:] Well, you're about to hate it even more.
[Ra:] Why, because Set's about to kill me?
[Neith:] You're saying that you want Set to take your place. To fight Apep.
[Ra:] Welp. A recipe for disaster if I ever saw one.
[Neith:] At least you're putting up a fight.
[Ra:] That's not me! That's a beardless Barbossa! Who's on fire!
[Neith:] I'm just messing with you. And yeah, you're dead now. Sorry, Ra.
[Ra:] Oh, jolly. And Apep - sorry, APOPHIS - is about to raise Duat in the mortal world. What's a whitewashed god and his sidekick to do?
[Neith:] Well, Nepthys's chariot is still around. Way to deus-ex-machina the return trip.
[Ra:] My thoughts exactly!
[Neith:] And now they're using the builder to get to the top of the obelisk. Huh, I thought they'd subdue him first or something.
[Ra:] What a pushover.
[Neith:] Can I hum the Mission: Impossible theme? I mean, Horus is climbing the obelisk without a safety harness...
[Ra:] A risky thing for someone who isn't a main charcter.
[Neith:] Well, he made it. And now he's fighting Set...
[Ra:] Just like in the myths. EXCEPT IT'S NOT IKE IN THE MYTHS!
[Neith:] Set certainly didn't want to get Apophis to drink the Nile! He'd have no world to mess with if he destroyed all of creation!
[Ra:] Exactly!
[Neith:] And there goes the builder. Pretty sure they should've expected a betrayal the moment Horus left...
[Ra:] And then Horus gets his flight powers back. WITHOUT his other eye. I thought-
[Neith:] He's saying Ra taught him a lesson... He needs to protect his people, not seek revenge. That's why he got his powers back.
[Ra:] What are those bystanders doing? GET OUT OF THE WAY! You mortals are not as tough as us gods!
[Neith:] This battle is getting very, very dangerous... How appropriate for a climax!
[Ra:] But what about Apep?! He's literally RIGHT THERE!
[Neith:] Aaaand Set's dead. No wonder he won't be showing up in SMITE anytime soon...
[Ra:] I thought Horus' quest for vengeance was null and void? He wouldn't kill Set after all?
[Neith:] Set was going to destroy all of creation. What choice did he have?
[Ra:] And apparently, I'm still alive.
[Neith:] Finally, you acknowledge that you're the same as Fiery Bald Barbossa?
[Ra:] NO!
[Neith:] Honestly, though... I'd have to say this is a bittersweet ending. For one thing, Bek's dying...
[Ra:] Huzzah! Finally!
[Neith:] Seriously, Ra? And anyway, he's not dead for long. You've brought him and Zaya back to life.
[Ra:] For the last time, I DON'T LOOK LIKE A BALD BARBOSSA!
[Neith:] And the other gods have been brought back, too. That's... fortunate, I guess.
[Ra:] How come Sobek never appeared in this movie? Or Anhur? Or you, for that matter?
[Neith:] I haven't the faintest idea.
[Ra:] And he's off to rescue Hathor. The lovebird just won't quit, huh?
[Neith:] Bait for a sequel much?
[Ra:] THIS MOVIE DOESN'T DESERVE A STUPID SEQUEL! It's awful. The writing is terrible, the characters are forgettable, and even the SPECIAL EFFECTS look cheap! It's like the Clash of the Titans remake all over again! Who recommended this movie to us, Loki?!
[Neith:] Looking at the plot, I have to agree with you. It's a pretty movie, though, I'll give you that.
[Ra:] Only as pretty as the story. I can't possibly care less about the aesthetics if the story is totally formulaic! I expected a LOT more from the myth of Horus and Set's battle, and I am very disappointed!
[Neith:] So am I. It's just like what happened with the Romans... They wasted so much money on the spectacle, and yet, at the end of it all, they still never had time for pants!
[Ra:] Oooooh, they're gonna need some sunscreen for that BURN! Rakakaka... *cough*... ka... ka...
