Miscommunication and reassurance
[Jakurai/Doppo/Hifumi piece I tried writing]
Angst/comfort
As stress and insecurities overpower Doppo, it is only a manner of time he will snap. One misplaced joke was all it took for Doppo to reveal his deeper insecurities to his two boyfriends
Words: 2.2K
[might contain mistakes, as it was written at 4am with no proofreading]
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Can today be over already? Was the only thought in Doppo’s mind as tiredly walked home from work. It seemed like today the world decided to go fully against the young man. Work was awful, more than usual. His boss appeared to be now specifically targeting Doppo for hours, searching for him to tell the young man how worthless he is. His harsh words lingered in Doppo’s mind for hours, even after the work his words remained.
All Doppo needed now was a nice cup of tea and sleep. After all, today was Friday and Doppo might allow himself to not stay up until 4 AM to do extra paperwork. He just wanted to arrive home and spend the rest of the evening with his two favourite people. Thinking of them, Dppo signed, realising that he cannot remember the last time three of them had a normal evening together. Doppo frequently if not always had extra paperwork, Jakurai had night shifts and Hifumi’s work was even busier during the weekends.
Doppo smiled a little as he walked closer to the building, seeing that the lights were turned on, meaning that at least one of them (if lucky then even both) was home. Today, he felt even more vulnerable and weak, feeling on edge as hid mind was ready with another irrational and hurtful thought.
As he entered the flat, he could smell Hifumi’s amazing cooking.
“I’m home” Doppo called out. He heard someone walking towards his direction. From the bedroom, an excited Hifumi appeared, then hugging Doppo as the latter sighed in his hold.
“Tired?” Hifumi asked, drawing comforting patterns on Doppo’s back.
“Always” Doppo answered back, feeling as if he might fall asleep right there, in Hifumi’s hold.
“I made us dinner but Jakurai and I already ate since you arrived late. I am sorry” Hifumi said, scratching his neck “But I can sit with you if you want!” he quickly continued.
“No need, it is really late anyways. Go to bed, I will join later”
“Okay! Don’t stay up~” said Hifumi, letting out a yawn and returning to their shared bedroom.
Doppo sighed. First – shower, then he would eat and finally sleep. Easy enough. As he walked past the bedroom door to bathroom, he could hear both Jakurai and Hifumi giggling and talking about something. I guess Jakurai was here too. He quickly entered the bathroom, his clean clothes prepared already by Hifumi and lying down on a washing machine.
After the delightful shower, Doppo went to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of tea, sighing at the pleasant smell. He could still hear Jakurai and Hifumi talking about something but at this point, he was too tired to try and focus. A part of him considered sleeping on the couch since it was sometimes hard for the three of them to fit into a bed. They still haven’t gotten a bigger one due to the recent number of battles and work three of them had to focus on.
It didn’t help that recently Doppo started to feel insecure about himself as a partner, often questioning why Hifumi of Jakurai would even consider him to be a potential love interest. He couldn’t help by to compare himself to them and by his comparison, Doppo always lost. Especially now that he had more work to focus on, disallowing him to spend more time with Hifumi and Jakurai. When he arrived home at almost midnight on some weekends, seeing the two of them cuddled together on a couch brought him not only happiness but also slight jealously. Some part of Doppo knew that these insecurities are irrational and that both men love him dearly, but still, more than often his anxious side won over his rational.
As he finished drinking tea and subconsciously overwhelming himself with anxious thoughts, Doppo was ready to head to bed. After contemplating for a minute where to sleep, he opted to share the bed with Jakurai and Hifumi.
After opening the door, he was finally faced with his partners. They appeared to be lying comfortably, leaving the only space for Doppo near the edge of the bed.
“Hello, Doppo, welcome back. I hope you had a pleasant day” the warm voice of Jakurai filled the room and Doppo felt himself sighing once again.
“Thank you, likewise” is all he could say, yawning and approaching the bed. He felt as if he didn’t even have the strength to hold a normal conversation, instead opting to just fall asleep. As he approached the small free space and lightly nudged Hifumi to move. He then lied down and sighed, quickly looking at the two men who laid comfortably. Allowing himself a moment of sincerity, Doppo spoke.
“Can I be in the middle tonight?” it seemed like an innocent request.
“Go away, Doppo” Hifumi said jokingly, “today is my turn to cuddle with our doctor” he chuckled, hugging Jakurai closer and lightly pushing Doppo away.
“Hifumi”
“Nah ah, you missed your chance by coming home late” the blonde continued teasing and pushing Doppo away, not realising that the man appeared to not react well, instead of the usual nudge or retort back he was silent. Dopo didn’t even try to jokingly fight back or grab onto Hifumi or the bed. Usually, Doppo responded to his jokes well. However, today Doppo just couldn’t bare it. His weak mind already constructed situations where he isn’t needed nor loved and where such jokes have a real meaning to them. This resulted in Doppo falling off the bed as he quickly started to get overwhelmed, then quickly snapping and frantically standing up.
“Doppo! Are you okay there?” Hifumi’s now anxious voice called.
Instead of answering, Doppo was silent. He felt like crying. He quickly gathered himself mentally, exiting the room, his mind cancelling out worried voices of his boyfriends asking if he is alright. Arriving to a living room, his eyes found a blanket. Doppo quickly took it and lied down on a coach, covering himself in hopes of escaping anyone. He desperately tried to get his feelings under control in order to not bring any more pain to himself or accidentally snap.
“Doppo” he heard Jakurai’s voice. God, please not him. I can’t. “Doppo, can you talk to us?” Jakurai asked, lightly putting a hand on top of Doppo’s head under the blanket.
“I’m sorry, Doppo! I am sorry I pushed you, does it hurt? I’m sorry” he could hear worried Hifumi, who as Doppo assumed, has sat on the floor waiting for Doppo to reappear from the blanket.
“I am okay, please go to sleep” he tried to fake it, hoping that his own voice won’t betray him.
“Doppo” Jakurai insisted further.
“Please, go to sleep, we are all tired” Doppo tried a different approach, trying to calm himself down.
“Doppo, this isn’t normal, are you okay?”
“Let’s go back together so we can cuddle, right Doppo?” now Hifumi spoke. Before Doppo could stop himself, he answered back
“We won’t”
“What? Why?” Hifumi’s confused voice filled the room. Jakurai was silent.
“It is not like you would allow me. I don’t want to be pushed down again. If you wanted Jakurai to yourself, you should have said so”
“Doppo, wai-“
“So you wouldn’t give me a false hope”
“False hope? I-“
“False hope that I could actually enjoy this evening for once without feeling like this. I am so tired of these feelings”
It was known that under the stress Doppo can become extremely talkative and vulnerable and in this case, he couldn’t stop himself from snapping, pulling the blanket down as tears ran down his face and his fast ramble continued.
“Nothing is enough. I am trying to fight them, yet I only feel worse. When I should be feeling happy, I can’t. I just can’t. I keep thinking to myself that all this is a cruel joke, a lie and that soon enough you will realise that you should leave me, both of you. I keep comparing myself to you two and I lose. You can’t compare trash to perfection. You can’t compare miserable to lovely. You will lose and I feel like I am constantly losing. And I am so scared to tell anyone, because it is stupid. It is so stupid that I just want to disappear. I can’t” he gulped down, panting and losing himself “I’m just tired…I’m so tired, please. I just want to feel happy. I’m tired. I’m sorry” Doppo hugged his knees, trying to further hide before he would faint from anxiety.
“Doppo…” Jakurai couldn’t find any words for a moment while Hifumi started to cry as well. Approaching Doppo
“Can I hug you?” he asked with teary eyes. Doppo only lifted his arms a little, a small gesture that said ‘yes’. Hifumi immediately brought his as close as possible as Doppo cried into Hifumi’s neck. Jakurai soon followed, wrapping his long arms around the two of them and placing multiple light kisses on top of Doppo’s head while Hifumi affectionately nuzzled into Doppo’s neck. Doppo finally felt warm, allowing his feelings to escape as he cried into Hifumi’s shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Doppo. Please forgive me for my behaviour. I swear, I never wanted you to be away from us nor can I imagine my life without you in it” Hifumi was the first one to break the silence, hugging Doppo even closer and apologizing profusely “Please, don’t cry, Doppo. I love you so much. I won’t be leaving anytime soon”
Jakurai then followed.
“Please forgive me for not noticing your feelings sooner, Doppo. As Hifumi said, we love you dearly and cannot imagine being without you. I apologize for not acting sooner and allowing such dark thoughts to cloud your mind. I love you, my dearest Doppo. I am so proud of you for voicing your problems and feelings. I promise we won’t ever think of you less, so please, be as open with us as you can” the doctor said, one hand now stroking Doppo’s hair.
“Okay” that was all that Doppo could say through his sobbing, but it was enough for the two men.
“Let’s go get some rest. We can talk about this more tomorrow” Jakurai said, reminding the two other men that it was past the midnight at this point.
They all stood up with Jakurai and Hifumi on each side of Doppo. Hifumi then briefly stopped
“First, let’s go wash your face, Doppo” he said warmly, leading his loved to the bathroom while Jakurai brought the softest pillows and the biggest blanket to the bedroom. He then lit up a candle, hoping that the fire from it would help Doppo relax a bit. He then moved to the bed, taking the position next to the wall. After a moment, Hifumi and Doppo returned with Doppo looking a little better. His breathing seemed to be even but his cheeks remained red from crying.
Hifumi made a move to nudge Doppo to get in bed first, making the man take the middle position. He then turned off the big light, allowing the candle to be the only light source. After the three of them got in, Jakurai spoke up.
“Everyone comfortable?”
Doppo gave a weak nod while Hifumi excitedly said yes, the latter then asked if Doppo is okay with cuddling tonight or if he is too overwhelmed.
“It would be nice…but you don’t have to” Doppo’s insecure voice spoke. He didn’t really know how to behave after his outburst. A part of him desperately wanted to apologize, however he was too tired to do so.
“Of course we want to” Jakurai instead said “Which side?”
Doppo turned towards Hifumi, deciding to sleep on his left side today. This prompted Jakurai to spoon him from behind but not before stealing a goodnight kiss. His long arms wrapped around Doppo, bringing the younger man closer to his chest and warming him up. Jakurai was the first one to fall asleep, seemingly exhausted.
Hifumi meanwhile stroked Doppo’s hair, a small whisper escaping his lips.
“I’m sorry, Doppo”
“It’s okay, I am sorry for snapping at you, I shouldn’t have” Doppo whispered back.
“I understand, it is okay” Hifumi got closer, kissing Doppo cheek.
“Hifumi”
“Yeah?”
“Can I be the big spoon tonight? It has been a while and you are always taking care of me”
“Of course, but not before…” Hifumi took Doppo’s face in his hands, lazily kissing him.
“Now that I got my goodnight kiss, I am all ready” he smiled widely
“Jeez, you are too cheesy” Doppo couldn’t help but to roll his eyes.
Hifumi then settled so that his back was facing Doppo, which led the latter to bring Hifumi closer, affectively nuzzling into his neck. He now felt two of his most important people next to him. After couple of minute, Doppo could feel that Hifumi had fell asleep. Feeling both Jakurai’s breath on his neck and the smell of Hifumi’s shampoo, Doppo finally felt free, allowing himself to relax. Tomorrow, the three of them would talk about what happened. But knowing that their love for him won’t change, Doppo felt at ease, ready to confront his insecurities, one small step at a time.