Aromantic and Frantic

advice, support and positivity for aromantics of all kinds! they/them | 23

[aro-advice]

Hey um... What are common signs that you're aro? Cuz I'm questioning rn and aro isn't something I'm super informed about.........

(I'm so sorry it took so long for me to get to this question. I hope you found some info in the mean time)

Obviously, being aro is different for everyone. But some common signs that I think many people experience might include the following:

When a piece of media includes a romantic plotline, you find it boring or pointless, or think it weakens the characters

You're deeply uncomfortable with romantic relationships, including having anxiety about the idea of someone being interested in you

You find it hard to understand why others are so obsessed with romance

When you picture your ideal future, it involves friendships, family, or platonic relationships rather than a romantic partner

When people asked you who you had a crush on, you picked someone at random, or based on criteria like how nice they are

You thought everybody chose their crushes like this

You enter romantic relationships because you feel that is what you are expected to do in life, or because you think that you'll begin feeling romantic attraction if you date someone

The idea of traditionally romantic things such as flowers, holding hands, coffee dates, kissing, and marriage makes you uncomfortable or unhappy

Obviously this isn't a checklist of things you Must Experience, just some things that I think are common within the aro community.

I hope this helps!

[aro-advice]

as an aro person, ive always held the belief that aro ppl can still have a romantic relationship, just without feeling the romantic attraction (like asexual ppl can still have a sexual relationship, they just dont feel sexual attraction), thoughts? :/

Yes, I totally agree. Attraction =\= action; aromantic people can have romantic relationships if that's what they want.

Not every aro is romance repulsed, so it's totally possible and OK for aros to enter romantic relationships. Of course, this can end up being toxic and harmful (like any relationship) so it's important to always check in with yourself and your partner that this is what you want and are comfortable with, not something you feel an obligation to do - but it isn't inherently toxic, any more than any other relationship is.

[aro-advice]

I'm trying to get back into answering my asks. The tl;dr is that I had final exams, graduated, and now have a job, so I got a bit distracted for a while. Hopefully I'll actually remember to keep up with this blog from now on.

[aro-advice]

recently ive started IDing more as aro than aroace and using gay as an umbrella term pretty interchangeably and idk. i feel invalid. i think i might be a lesbian? but that doesnt feel right either. because i Know im aroace but maybe im oriented? or maybe im not actually ace and just suppressing it? maybe i dont deserve the umbrella term? idk im pretty tired of dissecting and compartmentalizing my attraction(s) and idk what to do. being nonsam is really appealing as of late and it scares me

the first thing I want to say is that, no matter who you are or how you identify, you're fine. you're valid. you're OK. you can use the umbrella labels as much as you want; they're there for anybody who needs them.

Attraction and orientation are complicated. it's OK if you don't have clear answers, or if you have several different answers. You can be aroace and a lesbian; you can be a nonSAM aro; you can just be gay or queer. These words are tools for roughly outlining who you are and finding others like you; they're not pure bright line statements of absolute certainty.

You may find that the oriented aroace community has some helpful answers for you - there's quite a few of us on tumblr. Or not - that's fine too!

it's OK if you don't know. it's OK if you never know. these words are yours to use for as long as you want.

[aro-advice]

I have a close friend and they are very epic and mean a lot to me, but I can tell very obviously by the things that they’ve said that they have a crush on me and are currently trying to pursue it. We at first bonded because we were both nb and we talk about the LGBTQ+ community a lot. I’m worried that if I tell them that I’m aro, they’ll get mad because I never mentioned it earlier. I was still questioning till recently, but they might still get upset and I’m not sure what to tell them.

I think that in this scenario, it's better to explain you're aro sooner rather than later.

If they get mad at you for not "disclosing" sooner, drop them; you don't owe anyone, even a good friend, an exact breakdown of your identity. You say you were questioning for quite a while, so you weren't even aware yourself - being aro isn't a defect that requires a disclaimer to everyone you meet. You've worked this out about yourself, and it's up to you - and only you - who you want to share it with.

But I think that, all things considered, it would be a good idea to tell them. If they have a crush on you, that's their problem, not yours. You aren't responsible for managing other people's feelings. They have to deal with their own emotions like an adult. And that might be easier if you let them know that you're never going to be interested, so they can handle those feelings them self rather than potentially pining for someone they don't know won't reciprocate. But ultimately, you are not obligated to come out to people. You aren't obligated to wear your identity like a big warning sign to help other people handle their feelings.

Hopefully, since they're also LGBTQ+, they'll be able to understand what you're saying and accept you. I wish you the best of luck anon 💛

[shades-of-grayro]

Romantic Ambivalence Survey

Sharing here from Pillowfort:

As promised – you can now take the Romantic Ambivalence Survey designed for people without romantic orientations, people who identify to any degree with wtfromanticism or quoiromanticism, and people who struggle with the concept of romance, romantic orientation, or romantic attraction. The goal of this survey is to find out more about which labels are popular, what people are using them to mean, and how much these identities may or may not intersect with others. The survey will be open and taking responses until August 20th.

We’re shooting for at least 200 responses, so please, if you have access to any other platforms or community spaces, or if you know anyone who might be interested, consider sharing the link further. Optionally, I’d also appreciate it if you could link me back to anyplace public that it’s been shared, so that I can also keep a running list of all such places.

Click here to take the Romantic Ambivalence Survey.

[infiniteglitterfall]

FWIW, it only took me a minute or two to take this survey!

[aro-advice]

Signal boost! We need to hear more from people who have complex romantic identities. I look forward to seeing the results!

[aro-advice]

Do you have any advice for coming out as arospec? My friends are all supportive of LGBT+ people but aro-ness hasn't ever really come up. I've talked about not wanting to get married/not wanting to date and they've been understanding, but I feel like adding a label changes things somewhat. Thanks :)

So, with all coming out stuff, it all depends on you and your friends. So I'll talk about how I came out to my friends, and then offer some advice.

I came out by dropping it in conversations whenever it came up. For instance, when people were talking about dating, or their future weddings, and someone said "so what's your type?" or "what about you, do you want to get married?" and I'd respond "Well, I'm aromantic - I just don't feel romantic attraction - so that's not really a thing for me."

And then some people asked a few questions, which I answered, and other people just nodded.

So I came out to my friends piecemeal at parties and in the pub and what have you. For me, that was the easiest way to do it; no pressure or stress, just letting it be a normal part of me.

But you might want to get it all over with at once! So some options might be making a group chat - some friends of mine have come out by making Facebook group messages - or texting everyone. Or gathering the people you want to tell around you and just, letting it go.

I usually stick with the simplest possible summary when I'm coming out, because not everyone knows what I mean. I usually pepper my other identities in there too - "I'm aromantic, or aro, which means I'm not into anyone romantically. And I'm asexual, so not sexually either. Also I'm genderfluid." Straight forward definitions. Later on, I can get into the nitty gritty of the split attraction model and so forth, but I try and keep it simple the first time.

By and large, my main advice for coming out is to treat it like it's any aspect of your life you're bringing up. The same way you'd mention that you have a dog, or your aunt's a dentist, or your sister's in law school. Now, that's not for everyone! and it's fine if you want it to be more of a Thing! But with friends who are LGBT friendly already, I just find this is the easiest way to get the awkward moment over with and move on with our lives.

Best of luck, anon!

[aro-advice]

Hi so I’ve been dating this guy for like two years and we’ve been great friends forever and I’m positive that I love him I just don’t think it’s romantically anymore or if it ever was and I’m pretty sure I’m on the aro spectrum (I’m definitely ace of some sort) and he’s so sweet and loves me so much and I just don’t know what to do and it’s been making my anxiety worse for literally months idk what to do

EDIT: Hit post too early, whoops!

Hey there!

This is obviously a really hard situation for you and I want to assure you that you're definitely not alone in this. Sometimes emotions change within relationships and that's just how it goes.

I think the number one piece of advice I have is to tell him how you're feeling. Don't just drop it out of the blue, but pick a time when you're both able to sit down and have a proper talk about it.

Changing a relationship can be really hard. It sounds like you still really like him, and want him to be in your life, so think about what that would look like for you. Do you want to shift to a best friend relationship? friends with benefits? or keep on with a dating relationship, with the understanding your feelings have changed?

You may or may not want to come out to him as aro and/or ace. That's up to you, but I'd recommend it to help him understand where your feelings are coming from.

Think about what you want your relationship to ideally look like in the future, and then discuss with him how he feels about that. You may find that he's OK with shifting your relationship away from going on dates and holding hands to just hanging out together and having fun.

Sadly, of course, he might not. You can't control his feelings about this, and that's important to understand going in. I don't know him, or how he'll react; he might want to end your relationship entirely. That's a possibility to be prepared for. Maybe let some close friends know what's up, and have them on stand-by to check in with you afterwards in case it goes badly.

You mention that you have anxiety, and I don't know how you're managing that, but if you have a therapist or counsellor I might suggest bringing it up with them - they might be able to offer advice more specific to your situation. If not, put some plans in place for handling your anxiety during your talk with him.

I really hope I could be some help to you. Best of luck, anon!

[ftmi-go]

shout out to aro lesbians. you aren’t fulfilling the predatory lesbian stereotype, you’re just being you and that’s amazing!

[aro-advice]

ever since my asexual friend told me 5 years ago, "I think you're aromantic", it's like something inside of me clicked into place (altho I didn't have a bigger revelation till years later sadly, rip to those failed romantic relationships I tried to force myself into) And it's not until recently that I've grown more and more anxious & SAD about being aromantic.. I know that that is me, but sometimes I think I don't want to be that anymore or 'what if I'm faking it?' Do you know any self-aro-love?

Sadly, there's no magic bullet when it comes to thoughts like this. However, I would draw your attention to the fact that people who are faking something know they're faking; they're lying about something to a purpose. Fakers never worry they're faking.

My best suggestion is to surround yourself with content that is aro positive. Follow some aro blogs, and try and create a space where you aren't exposed to that negativity.

This is a hard thing to deal with, and I wish you the best of luck anon.

[aro-advice]

heads up

I (mod) plan to give up using tumblr for Lent this year, so I will be offline from next week until Easter.

I'm therefore going to try and answer all the asks in my inbox before then, so if I haven't answered by next week tumblr may have eaten something. Feel free to send more asks while I'm away, of course, I'll answer them when I'm back.

Deepest apologies for those asks that have been waiting a while. I've been having some ongoing health problems and have fallen waaay behind on everything.

[aro-advice]

Hey do y'all do demiro advice too or should I skedaddle off this blog?

This blog is aimed at including everyone on the aromantic spectrum - most definitely including demiros! you're welcome to ask anything you'd like and I'll do my very best to help!

[lokiagentofasgard]

An Aromantic Fairy Tale: The Princess and Her Heart

I wrote this short story a few years ago, and thought that some of you might enjoy it. It was inspired by a post on aromantic fairy tales, but I can’t find the post again now to credit it. 

© @lokiagentofasgard

Keep reading

[aroace-people-are-lgtbq]

What a great day to remember that asexuality and aromanticism are complete orientations all on their own.

Even with the Split attraction Model, asexuality and aromanticism aren’t modifiers for your “real” orientation. 

You are asexual and/or aromantic and that is enough

[friendlyneighborhoodaromantic]

So uuuh this made me happy so of course I went crazy and did some research

a video on how to pronounce hyvää ystävänpäivää, along with the meaning of the word

a video on how Finland celebrates Valentine’s Day + a bit of history

“Why Valentine’s Day Is Better In Finland“ a short funny video

Considering that Finland has only been celebrating ystävänpäivää since the 1980s, there isn’t much history to it and I couldn’t find much more than that without the information repeating itself. If any of the information given is wrong or you have more you would like to add, please let me know!

[ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity]

A casual reminder that aro wlw are welcome and loved here. You are real. You are not faking the wlw side of you. You are not faking the aro side of you.

It’s okay to love both your identities and all of us here love them too 💕

[actuallyfuckamatonormativity]

Accepting being aro isn’t always a smooth transition. You may have days where you want to proudly wave an aro flag from the rooftops, only to be followed by periods where you feel broken again. It’s okay. With society constantly telling you you’re missing something, it can be hard to accept yourself as whole. It’s an act of rebellion and it’s hard. It’s hard but it’s also incredibly brave. You are brave, and you are strong, and you’ll get there. You might stumble a few times, or even many times, but you’ll get there. You’ll get to a place where you can accept and even love your aromanticism. You’ll get there by discarding the amatonormative narrative of finding “the one” and living happily ever after with them, and instead creating your own happily ever after, whatever that might mean for you. You’ll get there. I believe in you 💚