Challenging Amatonormativity: A Guide for the Questioning Aro
So i’ve been helping a friend who’s questioning if they’re aro and i thought i might as well make a post with some of the advice that i’ve been giving them in case anyone else might find it useful. A lot of it involves questions to ask yourself that are supposed to help you confront internalized amatonormativity. I won’t tell you what different answers mean since you’ll know better than me how to interpret your own thoughts and feelings, but I may explain how they affect me.
Small disclaimer: this is all based on what has been helpful to me in the process of questioning and accepting myself as a nonamorous aroace, so i can’t say for sure that it will apply to everyone.
Imagine yourself in a romantic situation
Are you looking at the situation from a third person/outside pov or a first person/inside pov? If it’s third person, you are likely distancing yourself from the situation and should attempt to imagine it in first person.
How does the situation make you feel? Again, make sure you’re imagining this from a first person pov.
What does the other person look like? Are they distinct? Can you describe their features? I find that hypothetical s/o’s i imagine tend to be just featureless blobs.
What appeals to you about a romantic relationship?
Are the things involved things you consider romantic?
Why do you consider them romantic?
Do they need to be romantic, or can you see yourself getting these things from a platonic relationship?
Could it be cultural influences that are making you see these things as romantic?
Imagine yourself doing these things both with a romantic and platonic label. Which one feels more comfortable? I often find that simply labeling the activities as romantic is enough to make me feel uncomfortable while a platonic label on the exact same scenario makes it more appealing.
Generally, nothing has to be considered inherently romantic, even going so far as marriage or starting a family together. You can still think of them as romantic things, but they don’t have to be if those things still appeal to you while romance doesn’t.
Are you experiencing romantic attraction?
Think of someone you think you may have been attracted to. What do you want out of a relationship with them? Do you want a relationship at all?
If you think you do want a relationship with them, are the things you imagine doing with them romantic?
If yes, why do you consider these things romantic?
Put a platonic label on the relationship you’re imagining and see if that makes you feel any different about it.
What i can say about my experience is that imagining platonic relationships or doing intimate things with my friends is a lot more solid and clearer and comfortable in my mind than imagining myself doing things i’ve explicitly labeled as romantic.
Also, it’s important to reconsider what you think is romantic. Much of what constitutes romance is a social construct, so reminding yourself that you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to have intimacy can help a lot in figuring out what you actually want.
I hope this makes sense and someone out there finds it helpful!
