This year has certainly not been what I expected. As I start counting down my last few weeks here, more and more things are forcing me to reflect on the past ten months. Looking through photos to make an album to leave at my school, filling out our end-of-year reporting, and even making a playlist of the most memorable songs from this year for our final drive to KL have dug up various memories, small and large. Every day, there is some kind of new reminder that before I know it, it will be time to say goodbye to our lovely green house, our small town, and of course my amazing students.
I’ve been reflecting on some of the things I’ve accomplished this year, because it’s easy to lose sight of them in my day-to-day routines. There are some big programming accomplishments that are easy to list off: our victory in the district choral speaking competition, my Taman Negara English Camp, and the pen pal program with high school students in America. Each of these experiences will leave indelible impressions on my students and tangible memories that they can hold onto. But there are also many smaller achievements that we have worked towards this year that are less easily identifiable.
For one, my students are more confident in themselves and less afraid of making mistakes. They know that they can ask me if they don’t know the answer to a question. If they don’t understand a word, they will not be embarrassed to look it up in the dictionary. They will look for other words they know to express a thought instead of completely shutting down. Even students who are still afraid to speak in class will write me letters, or send me text messages so that we can talk in a way that makes them feel comfortable. These students have a new curiosity, confidence, and skill set that will empower them in their studies and beyond. I’m not a trained teacher. I can’t say this year that I taught my students the present progressive tense, or taught them strategies to ace their national exams. But I did show them that it is ok to ask questions, it is ok to be wrong, and it is ok to try.
I can see these differences in my students more and more clearly each week. It is easy for me to describe these changes and see the impact that I have had on my school community. But when I turn my reflection inwards, it is harder for me to see the changes. How can I assess my own personal growth? How can I talk about this experience in a way that is meaningful? What have I learned during the past year? It’s hard to put these thoughts in order, but it is important to sort out so that I can share this my reflections with the people who I care about. Otherwise, all the conversations on my return will sound something like:
“How was your year abroad?” “It was good…interesting…challenging…”
“What do you think about Malaysia?” “It’s nice…an interesting country…very different…”
“What did you learn?” “Erm…….”
Answering these questions more satisfactorily, packaging this experience in an easy to understand and meaningful way, is something that I am struggling with. Every time I think I pin down a good answer it slips just out of reach. There are certainly obvious things I can list off. Improved cross-cultural communication skills, a better ability to see the world from different perspectives, and an enhanced understanding of new and different cultures. Confidence, leadership, and organization. Positive outlook, flexibility, and adaptability. Framing for the appropriate audience, marketing, communication. But this list reads like a resume. Is it possible for me to express the meaning in my experience beyond this pre-packaged palatable phrases?
I think the ultimate answer to that question, the true lesson that has characterized my time in Malaysia, is in going beyond my comfort zone. More than anything else this year, I have been challenged to live outside of the norm and the experiences that are familiar to me, and make these things part of my new comfort zone. Experiences that were once terrifying like spending an indeterminate number of hours alone entertaining Malaysian teenagers, are opportunities that I crave as the time runs out. Cold water showers, cockroaches in the bathroom, feral cats in the alley, and the 5:00am call to prayer are no longer annoyances but part of everyday life. Travelling alone, introducing myself to local people, working hard to maintain relationships at home: these are all new experience that have stretched the bounds of my previous capabilities. Even though I feel more or less the same, I know that I am capable of so much more. It’s easy to lose sight of these things. A few weeks ago, I was talking to one of my friends from home.
“Wow, you’ve got a new job and are moving out to a new apartment! You’re such a grown-up! I could never manage that right now. I can barely roast a chicken breast.”
“Um, aren’t you living by yourself in a foreign country 10,000 miles from home? And didn’t you manage to roast that chicken breast with vegetables in a toaster oven?”
I see what my friends are doing at home as much more accomplished, responsible, mature, grown-up…however you want to phrase it. I’ve just spent the last year hanging out with some amazing kids and introducing them to my favorite parts of American culture. My job is to talk to them at McDonalds, to play them my favorite music, to describe what my house looks like when it snows. My job is to teach them that dogs can make good pets, that there’s nothing wrong with Jewish people, and that girls and boys can be friends together. My job is to help them express their individual thoughts, to respect themselves and each other, and to recognize their own beauty. Maybe this hasn’t been a grown-up experience, but it has certainly been one that has taught me many things, and has left me feeling fulfilled and ready to tackle whatever life can bring.
