if you even bring up ayda aguefort in my presence i will derail the entire conversation sorry i don't make the rules i love her too much to not let her take over the whole conversation

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@autistic-yuri
if you even bring up ayda aguefort in my presence i will derail the entire conversation sorry i don't make the rules i love her too much to not let her take over the whole conversation
an idea for an au where shane is a virgin at 30 years old and chronically single and he asks his friend rose to help him find someone to lose his virginity to so rose asks her other friend svetlana and she actually has the perfect guy for this. shane goes to the guy’s house “it’s perfectly fine shane, nothing bad will happen to you. i trust svetlana” rose eases him cus shane is very anxious. and he checks rose’s messages again to make sure he has the right apartment number, takes the elevator straight to 801, knocks on the door and it swings open and shane is face to face with the hottest guy he’s ever seen, who introduces himself as ilya and shane notices an accent but doesn’t comment. everything goes so smoothly, shane enjoys every single thing they do and finds everything incredibly hot, he’s genuinely having the time of his life and asking himself “why did i take so long to do this?”. after everything they’re lying in bed panting and shane gets up, turns to ilya and says “thank you so much for everything, you were perfect” doesn’t even wait for a response goes straight to the bathroom to shower, puts his clothes back on, grabs his keys, and thanks ilya one more time before leaving a completely dumbfounded ilya still lying in bed. and of course ilya is just obsessed with shane, he bugs svetlana and rose so much to give him shane’s number because he can’t let go of a perfect man like this — even if he’s really odd, but it’s charming — and their chemistry was insane and the guy was a virgin? looking like that? ilya can’t just let that go, the guy has to be his. poor shane is totally oblivious about everything, he’s just happy to finally not be a virgin anymore he has no idea he’s being hunted. later ilya finds out they work at the same company and he cannot believe his luck, he can’t believe shane was right under his nose this whole time and he didn’t notice, but now that he knows shane can’t escape.
they’re hanging out with friends and bood’s wife cassie asks everyone what the weirdest place they’ve ever had sex was and people start answering “in a public restroom” and “we tried on a plane but it didn’t really work out” and “in a store fitting room” and a few other unconventional places, and then cassie notices that shane and ilya haven’t answered yet and goes “haven’t you guys ever done it in a weird place?” and ilya replies “no, we’re a model couple, just at home, missionary" and everyone laughs and troy says “no one believes that man” and ilya goes “okay, in boodram’s garage” and bood almost yells “WHAT?” and ilya and shane burst out laughing and shane playfully slaps him and says still laughing a little “he’s kidding, we’ve never had sex at any of our friends houses” and cassie presses “so where?” and ilya looks at shane who nods and says “the all stars weekend in the restroom by the pool” and harris gasps “how you guys managed?” and ilya and shane shrugs and cassie goes “wasn’t everyone looking for you two?” and ilya “you guys would be surprise with how others players couldn’t care less about us in those places” and troy asks “and in spain?” and ilya answers “oh yeah we did in a hammock in a yatch in the middle of the ocean. kinda weird but if we’re really pressed together and on our sides—" and shane interrupts “we’ve already given too many details for today” and everyone groans in frustration cus they never share their intimacy and people love to hear about hot couples having sex.
STOP BEING SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR CREATIONS STOP SECOND GUESSING WHAT YOU REALLY WANNA DO STOP DEBATING IT'S WORTH. LET YOUR ART SERVE YOU INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND
you ever have 8,045 bad mental health days in a row
you ever have 8,046 bad mental health days in a row
thats 22 years of bad mental health are you okay
you ever have 8,050 bad mental health days in a row
They’re deactivated now and I really hope they are okay, but my nihilism is telling me something else. :(
nah i just changed urls a few times. i came out and transitioned, graduated college, and got an amazing girlfriend who lights up my life. i had to delete the queued update to this post that said 8400 days for my 23rd birthday because i’m in a really good place right now.
to everyone struggling: it really does get better.
they’re on a phone call and ilya’s asking shane where he’s at and shane goes “im at the coffee shop buying a puppy cup for anya. we just finished a new hike trail, she was a very good partner” and ilya’s like “of course she was, she’s perfect. are you gonna take long?” and shane says “i don’t think so, but anya is taking her time with the cup” and ilya sighs and goes “if you come right now im gonna suck your cock” and shane just goes “you were gonna do that anyway” and ilya’s like “well, yes, but you’re coming right now, yes?” and shane goes “yes” and hangs up, already heading out the door.
laurie 😔
a video is circulating in the hockey fans community showing ilya and shane during a preseason practice. shane is drinking water in the corner of the rink near where the players sit during the game when ilya comes up from behind and wraps his arms around him and opens his mouth and shane lifts the bottle and squirts water into ilya’s mouth and ilya drinks it and kisses shane on the cheek and skates away. of course the video gets a ton of views online because everyone is obsessed with the hockey husbands. and harris is always extremely happy when they manage to capture these candid moments between ilya and shane
David and Ilya are out on a grocery run together to pick up some last minute stuff for the Christmas dinner at David and Yuna's later that day. And they're in the produce section getting carrots when they run into one of David's work colleagues, Alexander.
Alexander who greets David with a handshake and a pat on the shoulder, obviously close enough to stop and chat with David outside of work. And David puts a hand on Ilya's shoulder and goes "This is Ilya", and Alexander's eyes light up. But before Ilya can say anything, Alexander goes "Oh yeah, I recognize you from the pictures!", he smiles and shakes Ilya's hand. "That must have been a fun bareque, David talks about it often."
And Ilya's mind has shut off and is racing a thousend miles at the same time because yeah they did have Yuna and David over at Shane's Cottage this summer for a barbeque, as they have done often, but surely that - why would David have a picture of that on his desk?
He must manage a Thank you or something because Alex still smiles warmly as he tells thr two of them "Well, it was nice to run into you guys, I won't hold you up any longer. Enjoy your family Christmas" and Ilya, through the rushing in his ears, hears David say "Thank you, Alexander. Have a good Christmas as well, give my best to Elaine".
It's not until they're back in the car, groceries in the trunk on the way back to the house, when Ilya turns to David. There are a million things he wants to say, but he ends up blurting out
"You have pictures of me at your office?"
And he doesn't know what he expects David to say. No, this was all a prank orchestrated by my work colleague and me? Yes i do but only because Shane made me? Yuna told me to keep the Hollander-Rozanov brand strong I get five dollars everytime someone mentions your name?
The rational part of his brain knows these are all absurd. He's still not quite ready to be hit with David's completely sincere "Oh, yeah. With you boys on the road so often I like to keep pictures on my desk, you know? Yuna as well, of course. It makes me feel as if I have a part of my family with me even at work."
David kindly does not say anything about how Ilya's eyes get a bit glassy at that. Just smiles at him in the rearview mirror and pats him on the knee as they make their way back home.
drunk shane leaning into ilya’s shoulder, jacket off, hair messy, eyes closed and lips red from kissing and drinking wine “som’times i wizsh i could eat’your heart so that you (hiccup) you’re always inside me”
ilya, equally as drunk and suddenly a poet of profound wisdom “ ‘nd i wish i could live in your cage of ribs, the bones around your heart — the fuck whats its called, whatever — and never ever leave ever”
both nodding in complete agreement “ilya do y’think we can do voluntary organ transplants with eachother?”
“we have same blood type so yes. probably. we are rich so who cares. tomorrow we call doctor”
“okay <3”
wyatt caught all this on tape and shows the team in the morning. somehow no one is surprised, least of all hollanov
Some Sundays, when he is home and not hungover, Ilya goes to church. Orthodox, Russian-speaking. He puts on a suit, likes the way it hugs his shoulders and his hips tightly. He sits in the rough wooden pew, body aware of itself. He lets the easy language wash over him, unthinking. He knows the prayers, mumbles them softly with the others.
During communion, he crosses his arms and receives a blessing instead. He doesn't go to confession anymore, he likely never will again. He will keep his sins to himself; they are precious to him.
After the service, he goes to the annex and indulges in the free, shitty coffee, mingles shyly with the other congregants. Breaks off a piece of fresh pirozhki, crumbs falling on a papery napkin, lets the babushkas tell him all about their lovely, single granddaughters. Recently, some of the children figured out he plays for the Raiders, shyly coming up to him to ask him to sign their service programs. Then, weeks later, they expect him and bring pucks and silver sharpies.
Sometimes, when gossiping with the women or talking hockey with the men, he has to lean in and ask someone to repeat something, not recognizing a Russian word, and he worries he's forgetting. He thinks to ask Shane if he ever can't recognize a word in English or French, but thinks it's too vulnerable, memory being a strange and painful topic for both of them.
He always leaves earlier than all the others, pocketing one more pirozhki for the road and sneaking out without saying goodbye.
The cathedral is the only place in Boston where he is reminded of home and mama and himself. He goes mostly just so he can be in a room where everyone speaks Russian, where he doesn't have to waste precious energy translating all this stupid English. Sometimes, when he is feeling particularly indulgent, he listens to the singing children and he allows himself to believe. In this brief belief-state, he is deserving of his lover, he will see his mother again someday. It barely lasts a minute, and then the heels of his feet start to hurt in his dress shoes.
After, he calls Shane.
I really do think that a lot of the guys in the MLH - whether they’re self-proclaimed allies or not - end up feeling pretty awkward and/or weird around Shane and Ilya when they first come out. Whether because of the rivalry or the queer thing, there’s an adjustment period for a lot of people… and I think, beyond player opinion kind of having to change because Shane and Ilya break so many pre-conceived notions and stereotypes of queer men, most of the guys are just really, really ignorant of what two men even do together in a relationship. Especially those two.
And so I think that when it becomes clear that Shane and Ilya have not in fact had personality transplants, and are not only still the same dudes but are now in a relationship with their best bro, some players do have a record scratch moment. Like, it’s bordering on the edge of jealousy. It’s very much a: “is this what you guys do all day? you just hang out and play chel and order in?” And “you guys went to the Super Bowl this weekend? That was the date you went on?” And “wait so it’s just like - you spend all day every day with your bro just shooting the shit and having a good time but you also fuck? which is hot obviously because you want to fuck. and are always horny. and know your way around the equipment. because you’re both dudes.”
“Uh… yeah?”
“Yes.”
And half the Boston Raiders leave that conversation thinking: being gay sounds awesome?
It is implied through gameplay mechanics that the two kingdoms at war in chess both formally permit regnal polygamy, allowing the King to take at least nine wives of equal status, and that marriage can be bestowed as a military honour, but curiously that honour - in stark contrast to the conventional attitudes of the aristocracy - can only be bestowed upon soldiers of the unlanded class, leaving great questions to be asked of the material interests and stability of these kingdoms' aristocracies
also, their horses lack limbs & their castles are small
yknow the smallness of the castles is FAR from their most interesting distinction from the noticeably immobile ones we are familiar with
One of Ilya’s hookup era girls asks him to fuck her raw and he’s like sorry saving my first creampie for someone I love :/
"and then they fuck about it" is to Hollanov headcanons what "stop" was to telegrams
before dick and kisses
after dick and kisses
from 😾 to 🙂: an ilya rozanov guide to keeping your shane happy
after dick no kisses
give a woman some guy and she'll be entertained for a day. teach a woman how to put some guy in situations and she'll be entertained for the rest of her life.