Admit, you missed us. Well, not Elliot, as he’s everyfuckingwhere these days. But there’s surely been a uniquely doom-shaped hole in you listening lives. With Raul the Saviour having presided over the summer window of our dirtiest dreams, now felt like the right time to mount a glorious comeback. Not to mention the fact the team won its first game of the season and with a clean bloody sheet no less. Away! Is this real life, etc?
Grab the podcast from here (or get it off iTunes if that feed ever updates).
Well, fuck. Arsene actually out. Of course we couldn’t let the big man’s momentous announcement pass without a pod. Over the course of 90+5 minutes we cover his best and worst signings, what leaving now means for his legacy, pick out our most memorable moments, give thoughts on the managerial prospects, and somehow Elliot still finds some time to shit talk Giroud. Mostly it’s just paying respect to a man who’s given us some of the best days of our lives, and without whom many of us wouldn’t even be friends.
So buckle up for the big one, and please accept my apologies for my mic running a little hot.
The podcast can be acquired via iTunes or from this direct link.
Your ears do not deceive you, we’re done another (in large part thanks to a bunch of people on Twitter who can now safely unfollow Dave). I won’t give it the hard sell suffice to say that it’s Elliot, Dave and me talking the same old ill-informed, depressing, bullshit – but this time over a slightly longer running time.
The podcast can be acquired via iTunes or from this direct link. Have fun!
Yes friends, it’s back and it’s a beast. In this two-hour doomstravaganza, we will take you from the heady heights of Arsenal’s record-breaking FA Cup win over on of the clubs bitterest rivals, back down to the depths of groundhog season despair.
As ever your hosts for that wild ride are Tim Clark, Dave Meikleham, and Elliot “YankeeGunner” Smith. Are we Arsene in or out now the season is over. You’ll have to sit through the whole bastard thing to find out.
The podcast can be acquired via iTunes , Stitcher (probably, I haven’t checked recently, or using the player embedded and direct download link below. Enjoy!
PS Special shout out to GiantCalGooner creating this year's Predictortron spreadsheet, which we never ended up using due to depression.
It’s special only in the sense that it actually exist. On this near miraculous episode, three not very wise men attempt to answer incisive questions like “why is Monreal bad now?” and “how big a disaster is this actually anyway?” Then Dave makes the bold claim that Giroud is the best sub in the league and things start to get unpleasant. Enjoy!
The podcast can be acquired via iTunes , Stitcher (probably, I haven’t checked recently, or using the player embedded and direct download link below.
Like us, you may have been wondering whether Arsenal will win the league this season. In the quieter moments, you may even have considered the endtimes scenario of Spurs winning it. Now, thanks to the magic of accounting software, you can end that worry for sure with the overdue arrival of the Arse2Mouse 2016 Predictotron.
This year’s version of our patented soothsaying spreadsheet has been crafted by GiantCalGunner, and is such a thing of detailed majesty that it really ought to be named the Ultramegapredictotron. Something to think on for next year, perhaps.
In the accompanying podcast, Tim, Yankee and Dave make their usual attempt at calling the results. To have your say, all you have to is open the document, go to ‘File’ and then select ‘Make a copy’. You’ll then be able to edit the contents to your dark heart’s content.
The podcast can be acquired via iTunes , Stitcher, or using the player embedded below.
As ever, thanks for listening. Double, double, double...
Christmas 2015 Podcast: T’is The Season (To Be Whiney)
In this long overdue podcast, the boys review November and universally agree that it was quite shit. There’s inevitable talk of injuries, what ought to have been done over the summer, and how the rest of this weird season might pan out.
If you think you can stomach that, the goods can be received from iTunes , Stitcher, or by using the embedded player on the page.
Oh, and whilst I’m here, rather than buying any overpriced club merch this holiday, consider making a donation to the Samaritans instead. God knows this pod is sending enough extra work their way.
Comeback Special Podcast: Man Utd win, CL loss, and more
Like fat Elivs in an ill-fitting besequinned jumpsuit, we are back but not necessarily better. In this, the first podcast of the 15-16 season, we talk about... Well, you know how this goes. Tim cries about transfers. All roads lead back to Giroudtown for Elliot. And Dave is angry about something or other. Fill your ears over at iTunes , Stitcher, or using the embedded player on the page.
If we keep winning games like this, maybe we'll manage more of these!
With back to back silverware-winning seasons, the boys are going to struggle to find anything to moan about... Aren't they? Stream the pod from the embedded player below or download it as an MP3. You can also subscribe over at iTunes or Stitcher.
Thanks for listening again this season chums and enjoy the summer!
Chelsea are champions and the #race4fourth is all but run. Belatedly, Tim, Elliot and Dave gather recent events and assess not just Arsenal's season so far, but our our rivals' too. Warning: may contain traces of positivity.
You can stream the pod from the embedded player below or download it as an MP3.
You can also subscribe over at iTunes or Stitcher. For anyone looking for the not always entirely accurately maintained Predictotron, it can be found here. Props again to @GiantCalGunner for making this year’s deluxe version.
Finally, sorry my mic was running a bit hot during recording. It's the only thing about me that was.
Right now, you’re probably at least mildly concerned over where Arsenal will finish in the season’s glorious #race4fourth. Worry no longer, friend, because we can answer that question for you today, in the form of a frustratingly poorly-recorded podcast. Yes, it’s the one with the predictions. (And all sound the problems.)
It’s also slightly shorter because we had to stop and start over again. You can tell we were in a rush because I don't think Elliot manages to complain about Giroud and we never find out why Dave was covered in blood. Oh well. Just imagine us apologising and promising to try harder, much in the same manner Johan Djourou would be wheeled out to do after a surprise defeat to Blackburn back in the day.
You can stream the pod from the embedded player below or download it as an MP3.
Alternatively, you can subscribe at iTunes or Stitcher. I promise to make next month's longer, better, and, more generally, to stop failing to keep promises. The Predictotron document, kindly created by @GiantCalGunner, can be found here. To make your own predictions, open the Google doc, click 'file', then 'make a copy…' You should now be able to, quite literally, see the future.
Okay, so we managed to narrowly miss January, but we're back in (pretty far from) full effect to discuss the North London Derby fallout, plus talk about our long overdue Man City win, the Villa shellacking and everything else. And by 'talk' I mean 'somehow still moan about'.
You can stream the pod from the embedded player below or download it as an MP3. Alternatively, you can subscribe at iTunes or Stitcher. Do leave us a review. It makes a refreshing change not to have the abuse restricted to Twitter.
All things being well there will be another episode out before the end of the month. And yes I know I always say that sort of thing.
Ho, ho, frigging, ho. What’s so funny? Pretty much nothing in Arsenaland, where all is bleakness and leftovers and oh god why didn’t we ask Santa for new hamstrings instead of this German dude with the bag of weird looking instruments who might not even be a doctor *at all*.
Yes, to usher in the holiday season in the most depressing manner possible, we’ve finally pulled our fingers out each other’s yule log’s to record this season’s second (count ‘em) podcast. Therein we discuss injuries, the manager, the #race4fourth, and pay tribute to the bearded King. Not Jesus.
The embedded player below will magically enable you to stream or download the pod as an MP3. Alternatively, you can subscribe at iTunes or Stitcher. Probably. I haven't checked either in a while tbh.
Anyway we hope you like it. And if you don’t, we hope that you’re able to see past the need to painstakingly take us to task over the contents over social media. Remember, Christmas is a time for giving. (Away cheap goals.) Ho. Ho ho.
Arsenal are back and so are we. See if you can guess who looks in better shape. In the debut pod of the season we talk transfers – Ceeeeeeesc! Sancheeeeeez! – what we still need to do, and what we each expect from the season. Enjoy the semi-positivity while it lasts.
As ever, the embedded player below will enable you to stream or download the pod as an MP3. Alternatively, you can subscribe at iTunes or Stitcher. Work reasons means there's unlikely to be much in the way of the written word on this site for a while, but we're planning to put out a pod each month as usual – (i.e. at maddeningly inconsistent times). Enjoy, chums!
FA Cup Final Podcast: They See Us Rollin', They Hatin'
We only went and won the bloody cup. This is us talking about our big day out, the nicest/dumbest Spurs fan in the world, and quite a bit more. Extreme caution advised: In places it's actually quite cheerful.
Usual drill: Use the embedded player below to stream or download the pod as an MP3. Or you can subscribe over at iTunes or Stitcher. There'll be one more podcast this summer, probably in June, before we kick off the next season in August. Now come here and give us a kiss you big dafty.
There's a scene in the original version of the movie Bad Lieutenant, in which drug-hoovering corrupt cop Harvey Keitel is drunk in a bar being told that unless he pays off his mob debts they're going to come to his house and blow it up with his wife and kids inside. The Lieutenant's plan is to win the money back on the World Series, which the team he's backed, the favourites, are busy doing their best to lose. Barely listening to the threats, he says: "I see it clearly now, it could not have gone any other way."
It could not have gone any other way. Sat shellshocked in the Club Wembley bar at halftime with Dave from the podcast, adrenaline flooding our bodies as it had been doing all day, I think we felt something close to that sort of shattered doominess coupled with a weird maybe-it-just-has-to-be-this-way-so-buckle-up-and-enjoy-the-ride-fuckers sense of fatalism.
So, and you're going to have to take my word for it, we resolved to stay positive. To believe. Because a loss would have left plenty of time – years, probably – for yet more autopsies. But to still be able to dream of the win, despite our terror? That was worth it.
Please note that not for a second am I saying anything we think affects external outcomes. I'm not some hippy dippy crystal polisher. But what I am saying is that even in that moment after the second goal went in, the only thing to do was to hope that, despite the most Arsenalish of starts to any final we've ever been involved in, the team could find a way to win the game in what would also have to be an amazingly Arsenalish way. And so they did.
Gloriously, cathartically, beautifully – they did. Without the need for penalties, and without any help (regardless of what the otherwise hugely magnanimous Bruce thinks) from a ref who waved away four penalty shouts that ranged from 'pretty certain' to 'seriously, did they change the rules'. I felt with some confidence that if the game went to penalties, Probert would invoke a little known bylaw that prevented us from taking any.
It's churlish to mention the ref of course, but the only time it's ever going to be acceptable is when you've won. The reason I do mention it is because I want to talk about the players' character. After the ruinous Villa home game which bookended this season, I was under no illusion that the ref had been terrible, but was frustrated that we'd been unable to overcome his bullshit and win anyway. Yesterday the players did just that.
Think how we were feeling when the second Hull goal went in. Now imagine the kind of doubts that must have erupted in the players' minds. And yet gradually they were able to claw their way back into what, ultimately, will be looked back on as one the great FA Cup Finals. Cazorla's goal, the only direct free kick I think we've scored all season, must be one of the greatest to grace the new Wembley. It is ferocious in its perfection. Koscielny, throwing himself in where it hurts to drag the team level. Kos encapsulated.
Then the extra-time, and the terror of knowing that this could still be taken away from us in a second. Those of you who've read this blog for a while, or listened to our podcast, will know that Dave and I have been haunted like Transylvanian bungalows ever since the Carling Cup final against Birmingham. A year after that game, I wrote a 4,000 word piece about it called 'Wembley, Bastard Wembley' for Arseblog's book 'So Paddy Got Up'. Even that didn't exorcise the ghost for me.
But this has. Giroud finally gets the back flick perfect and Ramsey laces the skipping ball into the corner. It's the sort of finish that improves incrementally as you watch it again and again. Which I intend to. I was thinking before the game that, though very different sorts of players, Ramsey is our Pires now. Almost beatifically calm. The kind of guy who just gets shit done. A winner.
I can't describe my feelings immediately after his goal, or what the scene was like around me. I don't have the words for it. But I can tell you Dave shut his eyes and put headphones on for the last couple of minutes. Bittersweet Symphony apparently. I grabbed his arm as Per stumbled and Fab began his seemingly doomed charge out of nets. Our hearts stopped but the ball just kept on running. And then, one glorious Rosicky run later, it was over. My dad sent me a text to ask how it felt. I replied: 'Amazing. Weird. Different. Better.'
Now all that adrenaline is finally draining out, I almost think the fact that this game felt like such a weird mirror of the Birmingham one will help in the long run. Because it represents proof of concept. Where that team – which included players as talented as Van Persie and Nasri – ultimately failed, so this one was able to find a way. To have the cojones to keep going, knowing that they had to – simply had to – break the trophy hoodoo that has hung over the club since the move to the Emirates.
Jesus, it's just sinking in now. I'm typing while watching the parade on Arsenal Player and to be honest I just want to watch more of that and not be writing. I'm so happy for the players, and for the manager, who got his changes spot on, and for you. For so long we've all dreamt of sharing this moment, and as those years went by we had to content ourselves with different kinds of achievement. Stability and qualification. Cash and class. But I suspect we all woke up this morning knowing that this is what really matters. These are the days.
As the Predictotron finally reveals, the #Race4Fourth has been run, and once again we've emerged victorious – and this time with a couple of games to spare. Phew, etc. So, with a cup final still to play for, you might think this (heavily delayed) instalment of the A2M podcast would be our cheeriest yet. No dice. Instead, Tim, Dave and Elliot cast their moany minds back over the season, and start to think some unthinkable thoughts…
Remember, having listened, if you decide to send Elliot or I abuse, all you're really doing is ensuring Dave wins.
