Nick

Hi, I'm a certain Nick. Harvard C/O 2020

[arsenick33]

February 11, 2017

What happened?

You were so confident a few months ago. You had it all. The passion, determination, and ambition. I know that you feel broken. I know that you’re tired of this environment. And I know that you want to throw everything away. I did say that you can achieve anything of your desire, but I never it was going to be easy. I know what it feels like to have everything, but to also have nothing. I know what it feels like to be successful, until you have to face that first failure. You can have everything, but still you’re a prisoner to your emotions. Love isn’t always easy. You can hold it all in or weigh it all down on your shoulders. It’s up to you. I want you to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You can cry. You can go for walks. You can mask away your pain, but you can never really overcome your emotions until you face reality.     

[arsenick33]

November 11, 2016 11:43pm

Hey,

I know you’re doing just fine without me, but I did promise that I would check up on you and make sure that you’re making something great of your life. 

You’ve made me extremely proud kiddo. I’m going to say it again, you’ve made me extremely proud. You’ve done everything I did my time, but even better. I know it wasn’t fair of me to leave a huge pressure on you. I forced the expectation of Harvard onto you, and I’m very sorry. At the time, I knew that you had a lot going on, but I still gave you the captain position. You didn’t disappoint me at all with the team’s record this year. You have a bright future ahead. Just keep at it. You’re the last guy that can have BC and Mechanics. I know you’re going to kill it. Just know that I’m very proud of you. 

This is the point where I check up on you: 

I know you’re tired. I know you’re disappointed. And I know you’re done with everything that has been thrown at you. But, you can’t be done. Not just yet. You have to push hard till the very end. 

As for me, 

I’m not doing too well myself. I know this isn’t what you’d like to hear, but this is the truth. I was in and over my head about Harvard. I thought I had everything planned out. I thought my 6 year plan was an impeccable one in every aspect. I thought that my choices were the right ones. Late night drinking and wild rendezvous were my ways of hiding my vulnerability. I just wanted to surprise my emotions, so they can’t get the better of me. But constantly drinking does have its drawbacks. My choices since we’ve last talked have been irrational and stupid. I don’t think I can bounce back anymore. I don’t think I can be the perfect Nick everyone expects me to be anymore. I’m currently suspended from the Honors college and I can’t play soccer anymore.  

I wish I can call a time out. I wish I could go back and undo all of my choices. I wouldn’t have applied to Harvard. No need to hurt as badly as I did. I would’ve preferred a normal state school. I just want to be normal.   

I never meant to disappoint anyone. I honestly did try my best. I’m sorry.

[tylxo]

I am so terrified of loving someone because you can tell them everything you been through and they’ll put you through it again.

[arsenick33]

May 12, 2016 2:21 am

Dear Journal, I finished all of my AP exams. My predictions are a 4 in Chem, 3 in Calc, 4 in Lit, and a 5 in Physics C. I dunno tbh. I can't believe it. I graduate in 3 weeks. I'm finally done in 3 weeks. I've made my final decision and I'm going to Harvard. My parents worked something out, so I can afford Harvard. I still mean it when I said I would've given up anything for him. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I tried to stop you from falling in love again. Long distance relationship never works. Trust me, I know. Learn from your last relationship and distant yourself from him. I'm sorry. But pls be selfish for once and think for you.

[lovelysuggestion]

Just because it isn’t happening right now doesn’t mean it never will

[arsenick33]

April 13, 2016 12:13am

Dear Journal, I don't remember the last time I wrote one of these entries. I guess I've been too busy to stop for a second. I'm just so close to the finish line. Baseball season is going better than expected. It's been raining so several of our games have been canceled. But of the games that weren't canceled, we won them all. I kinda owe my parents a big one. If they hadn't pushed me into baseball, I don't think I would ever be where I am. AP exams are coming up and I don't think I'm ready. At this point, I'll take what I can get. I still with a 5 for Physics C. All I have left after AP exams are prom, class day, and graduation. Then it's a wrap.

[thingsmyxxxsaid]

Things My Exes Said // #6

you texted me this while I was on a date with someone else

[fieldandforest]

[photosbygriffin]

[arsenick33]

A short little poem by me

I'm somewhere 3,000 miles away. Taking one step day by day. I'll eventually find the courage to say That you're the one who takes me breath away. You'll never have to meet me halfway, Because Babe, I promise I'll find the day To make this distance fade away. Hopefully if you stay, I'll take you to prom in May. Please just say "okay." It'll make my day. You might not read this poem. It's okay You might not take me to prom. It's okay Just know that I still love you, Till this very day. 💙 -N.C. March 9, 2016 1:11am

[arsenick33]

March 9, 2016 11:29AM

Dear Journal, I wish my Chem teacher would kill me. I finally finished my 7 page lab report and it's almost 1am. It's official, I hate chemistry. Chemistry Olympiad is next week and you already know that this homeboy is about to kick ass. It would be awesome to make it to the lab portion of the competition. I don't expect too much anymore, I don't want to be disappointed. And once again, I started losing sleep. I have some big plans coming up though. :)

[g-4-b-0]

[giselle-201]

[-revive]

I hope that sometimes you stop and think of me. I hope that even though our love story didn’t go as planned, you look back and you remember the way my chocolate brown eyes stared into your crystal blue eyes. I hope that one day you wake up and realize that those new eyes staring back at you never noticed the way your eyes change to a shimmering grey when you’re distressed. And maybe one day, even in the distant future, you will sit in the corner with your four beautiful children, and reminisce about your first love. That even though it never worked out, I was still one of the greatest things that ever walked into your life. Because I know I will.

things i wish i could tell you (07). (via -revive)

[sassafranski]

[arsenick33]

March 8, 2016 1:22am

Dear Journal, I decided to help sell basketball game tickets after school. As I was leaving school, I heard someone whispering "Niiick" being me. It was Ian. Ian graduated high school my freshman year. I've always looked up to Ian because everything he did was simply perfection. Perfect grades. He plays soccer for UConn. Ian had a way to go about life that I didn't seem to understand freshman year. It was nice to see him. He seems happy. Like everything will be okay. Next week will be an All Star baseball practice :) Our coach arranged past baseball captains and players to return to practice with us. I think they'll be on spring break for a week? They play for D1 colleges and I'm sure they will drill us to the max. Seth, Jack , and Cameron are all returning. A+ effort next week. All in preparation to win States Baseball this year. :) At first, I wanted to go to prom with the perfect date and have the perfect night. But after overthinking the situation, I'd be okay if I went alone. I really wanted to go with someone special. It's okay. It's just prom. I know a lot of people and I'll just dance with everyone. Kinda accepting reality that a Prince Charming isn't going to come and pick me up last minute. Prob gonna go alone and end up over drinking the sadness away. The theme doesn't help either. "A Last Night Under The Stars" wth. Prays for the Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me moment.

[arsenick33]

Are you happy?

Define happy.