I'm not here anymore.

I'm Arthur and I'm not alive. Maybe. Cotard's Syndrome & Depression Room A6 | Group 3

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“Choosing staying inside with you over… Whatever there is to do outside.”

“What about all of the... museums? And movies? And restaurants and plays and your family and other stuff? Oh, parades.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn: 

“Not planning per se. More anticipating.”

“What are you anticipating?”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn: 

“I think we’ll need to live really high up with really big windows so we don’t forget that there’s a world outside.” He chuckles.

“Sounds really nice. Also sounds like you’re plannin’ to spend a lot of time staying in.” 

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“When we get out of here we’ll start taking shit like that for granted,” he thinks out loud. “I don’t mind that, though. I think we’ll have probably earned it.”

“What d’you think it’ll be like?” he asks.

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

He turns slightly, his head tilting to brush Arthur’s. “I love you,” he repeats. “Thanks for making me feel less crazy.”

. “Yeah. Thank you for making me feel less crazy. And important. And warm, and safe and loved and okay.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“Maybe,” he agrees, fingers curling around the short locks of hair now. “I like that.”

“Me too,” he replies, nodding. “I love you.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

He grins up at the sky, arm bending to run his fingers through the hair at the back of the man’s head. “We could be,” he insists. “Don’t you ever feel like… Okay, so. There’s them, right? There’s the whole world around us moving and working and getting on with life. And then there’s us. And we’re just not even… On the same plane of existence. You know? Like the world doesn’t apply to us.”

Arthur hums, kisses his shoulder again before he rests his cheek gently on his arm. “Yeah, I get that feeling but being on a different plane doesn’t mean a higher plane. Just maybe a... nice one.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“Or, hey, maybe you just feel less human than the others. Maybe it’s that we feel equal. Maybe we’re Demigods. I could definitely live with that.”

Arthur chuckles, turning onto his side to press a kiss to the man’s shoulder. “I don’t think we’re demigods, Spencer, but I do think we feel equal.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“About being beyond anyone’s comprehension,” Spencer says with a laugh, half joking, a hint of melodrama in his words. “I really had myself convinced that I was this divine being that nobody would ever understand. You make me feel so... Human. And I always thought that would be a bad thing, to feel human, but it isn’t.”

“Oh,” he replies. “I don’t try to do that. But it’s a good thing? You like feeling human?”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“Exactly.” He smiles. “I think the reason all that therapy stuff never worked for me is ‘cause I never appreciated how good it feels to... Indirectly rely on someone like that,” Spencer decides now. “I spend so much time trying to figure myself out because I thought I was too fuckin’ complicated for anyone else to understand.” He rolls his eyes. “You didn’t care for sex for so long and you still managed to prove me wrong.”

He’s not sure why, but the man’s statement makes him smile. “I proved you wrong about what?” he asks.

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“Just that it’s nice to feel like I’m allowed to let someone... Love me? I don’t know if that’s the right word, but it’s the right notion.”

“Yeah,” Arthur nods quickly. “Yeah. Like you’re not actually in it alone. Like everything about you actually matters.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

Spencer just nods at first, before he twists to lay down beside him, on his back and looking up at the sky. “I should figure out my own brain first,” he decided, but then adds, “although I guess I should stop trying to be everything I need too, huh? I’ve been making good work of that, though.” He nudges Arthur with his elbow lightly.

Arthur hums, opening his eyes to look over at him when he feels him shift beside him. “You’ve been making good work of that? How do you mean?”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn: 

“I know, I know,” he says with a short smile before he drifts off again. “It’s like… If I can’t be everything, then what’s the point?”

“I don’t need you to be everything,” he tells him. “I don’t want you to be everything. If trying to do that is as stressful for you as it is for me, I don’t want that from you.” 

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

“I always feel it.” He lifts a hand momentarily to vaguely gesture somewhere over his shoulder. “At the back of my mind.” His hand rejoins the other then, as Spencer asks, “do you really? Feel that way? I mean...” He scoffs. “Feel so fucking crazy sometimes.”

“I think I told you a long time ago that that’s why I was trying to make myself do the thing with you,” he says with a nod. “Just wanted to be everything you needed. Felt like I had the rest of it covered, I guess,” he shrugs. “It made me crazy; was too much pressure. And it’s not like that anymore, just so you know.”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

He nods. “Like… I wish I could be everything you’ll ever need.” Spencer doesn’t know how to differentiate it from jealousy – wants to say I just get this way sometimes. But that’d mean talking about, well, all the times he’s gotten this way. “Like maybe then I wont feel so restless.”

“That’s how I feel about you,” he tells him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Do you feel restless right now?”

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

Spencer’s fingers slip between Arthur’s, barely even registering the action as they speak. “It’s not your fault.” He shakes his head. “I just. I wish I could be that person who… Picked apart your brain and reordered it for you and helped you… Understand what was happening in there.” Spencer’s other hand draws shapes into the back of Arthur’s arm. “It’s dumb, I know. It’s not my job to… Know you in that way.” He shrugs. “I just feel so… So overtaken sometimes. By… God, I don’t know. Something.”

Arthur hums, just about to tell him that that isn’t his job when the man says it himself. “Overtaken by something?” he asks.

[arthur-gustin]

spencer-quinn:

Spencer just nods, feeling slightly hopeless as he looks around at the scene surrounding them, shoulders drooped. “I wish I could fix things for you.”

“You make things better,” he counters, holding his hand out for the other’s. “I wish I wasn’t so... weird. About everything.”