I want to hurt you
I want to hurt you the way that you hurt me.
When we argue, you just get mad, upset, frustrated, angry and annoyed. But I get hurt. I feel my heart break. Why is this? Why is your heart so hard and protected? Do you even love me the same way that I love you? Can you be so cold in the face of my pain, blinded by your anger? I think that’s why I don’t believe that you love me and I ask you so often to reconfirm it. Maybe I just don’t believe it. How can someone who claims to love me so much treat me the way that they do, and not apologize or make amends for it? I can’t understand it. I would never be able to hold out for so long in anger, because at the end of the day, I love you and that means more to me than my pride.
We are 8 weeks pregnant. Yes, time has flown since the last time that I wrote here. Times have changed as well. This whole experience has been hell right from the beginning. Before I missed my period, I could tell SOMETHING was off. Something felt different, but I wasn’t sure. My breasts were way more sore than they ever were pre-PMS, and the nipple was more protruded and darker. I thought this was odd, but it wasn’t until a few days later that I decided I should take a preg test to see if I could still have that glass of wine or not. You were in SD for a business trip. I took the test that morning, and viola.. it was positive. I totally was NOT expecting it. But my first feeling was excitement and joy! Was this really happening? Am I pregnant? But my anxious feelings immediately turned down a few notches when I started to wonder how you would take the news. Would you be happy like I was? I had no idea how you would react.. you were going to come back from your trip that evening and I decided to wait until you got home to tell you.
As usual though I am not good at waiting. I fault this to myself, but I blurted it out on the phone to you during lunch time. You were shocked. And even though I doubted that you’d be happy right off the bat, I did not expect your reaction at all. You were completely negative, and you told me that I could not just drop this bomb on you out of the blue.. and that I had manipulated you into having sex with me during my fertile times. I was shocked. I could not believe the things you were saying to me.. Did we not have many conversations about trying in the months prior? Did you not agree that we should try, but just not to “force” it? Did you not consent to engage in unprotected sexual activity with me, on your own free will? How did something that is so precious and joyous turn into something worthy of blame - and blameshifted on me and only me?
I was hurt, as usual, and you were angry.. as usual. I felt like in some way I deserved it though, because I told you earlier than I should have. I should have waited until you came home and after you were finished with your work. For that much, I accepted the blame and your anger. When you came home, you apologized for reacting the way that you did. But I don’t think you really apologized for what you actually said, because I think you actually meant it and that you still do.
That was on Wednesday. I myself was still having fears that this was somehow a false positive, even though every online article I read said that it was extremely rare to have a false positive. Because of how you reacted, I started feeling insecure about the whole situation.. am I ready to have a baby? Is this really happening? Am I really pregnant or will this all go away in a few days? Is my period just late? I shared with you some of my fears, and you decided that it was grounds for not accepting this as a real pregnancy until a doctor confirmed it so. I went for a blood test that Friday to test my hormones - this was still pre-missed period.
However, you decided that this meant I was still not in fact pregnant and proceeded to act like nothing was different. You refused to talk to me about pregnancy, and whenever I brought it up, you’d get frustrated or annoyed and change the subject.
The results came back next monday - I was only at 40HcG. Yes I am technically pregnant, but we needed to wait another week, then take another blood test to confirm if the hormone levels were growing. I was really sad after getting this news, even though it neither confirmed nor denied my pregnancy. I was afraid because I thought that if this pregnancy didn’t work out, you wouldn’t want to try with me again because this pregnancy scare was the final straw that made you decide you didn’t want a kid.. for like another 5 years. But we actually had a good conversation where I felt like you finally showed me care and sympathy.. You comforted me by telling me that you would still want to try, and that you were actually ready to accept it today if the results came back positive. I was touched, and I felt like we were on the same page again, no matter what happened. I was ready to get the results of the next test, no matter what it told us.
On Thursday, I decided to take the 2nd blood test. I got the results on Friday - my Hcg levels were at 1700 - it was confirmed, I am pregnant. I called and told you, and you sighed and said.. OK, I guess this is it. And that was the end of our phone call. I thought this meant that we were in it together, but I was totally wrong.
My first trimester started off with me being extremely tired all the time and napping throughout the day. That was ok, but you were still hesitant to immerse yourself into this pregnancy like I hoped you would. I asked you if I should help you get some daddy books on pregnancy on Amazon, but you said you’d do it yourself. It took another 2 weeks, but you finally got the books. Another ray of hope on my end.. but was dashed when I saw you read it only once, and you hadn’t even gotten to the part on first trimester... what I wanted you to try and understand the most.
Then things got worse. I got morning sickness. It came on strong, and slowly got worse and worse. I started off OK with saltines in the morning, but eating regularly for lunch and dinner. But then it started affecting all my meals, and my taste buds were refusing almost anything and everything. Although my head wants to eat everything that I used to love, my stomach is saying no and refusing even the simplest of foods. This started at about 6 weeks, and now that I’m at 8 weeks, its continuing on.
Throughout these last few weeks, I’ve felt like everything you do for me is forced. You question my sickness, and I feel like I’m on trial, trying to prove to you that this is normal. You don’t believe or care that my emotions are up and down due to my fluctuating hormone levels, and you expect me to “toughen up.” I feel no sympathy from your end.. you’re cold and undisturbed seeing your wife go through such physical toil and pain. Its as if you think I’m making this all up or that it’s all in my head.. You tell me you don’t believe what I’m going through and you need a doctor to confirm that this is normal before you’ll even give me an inch of care or sympathy.
I feel so alone. We fought last night because after hanging out with friends for hotpot that I couldn’t eat for 3 hours, I wanted to go home and get some food that I could actually eat. Even though I have morning sickness, I still get hungry.. maybe you forgot about that. We come home and you shower and stay upstairs. You ignore me for the rest of the night and go to sleep before I even come up. You are probably upset that I talked to my mom on the phone and cried my heart out to her. But I needed someone to care and hear how I felt, and understand and love me for it. You’ll probably get mad at me later and tell me that I’m not supposed to share all of this with my family or anyone else. Well, who am I supposed to share this with? You won’t listen, and you won’t care. I am alone.
I couldn’t sleep last night because my nasal passages were completely blocked due to all the crying. My mouth has been really dry at night so I keep the bottle of water nearby so when I wake up from dryness I can take a sip. But last night was different - I woke up because I couldn’t breathe and my mouth was so dry that I couldn’t take in any more air. I was so so tired, and yet I could not lie down for more than a few minutes before being woken up again with a dry mouth and stuffed nose. You slept through it all, or maybe you didn’t.. but you didn’t once ask me if I was ok. I got up and tried to put a hot wet towel over my face to get some steam into my nose and hopefully clear it.. but it didn’t work. I was so frustrated and tired.. I got up to go to the guest room. I propped myself up to I was sitting, and tried to sleep that way. It was so uncomfortable, but I was finally able to get a few pockets of shut eye.
In the morning I woke up to the sound of you moving around in the bedroom. You were getting ready for basketball, right? I don’t know. You didn’t really tell me your plans but I expected it, like you do every Saturday, rain or shine, and definitely no matter whether your wife is sad or in pain - if anything, more reason for you to get out of here. I was waiting for you to come in to say goodbye, or hopefully to ask me if I was OK.. but you never came. I thought maybe you were doing devotions or sonship next door since it was early. But after I couldn’t sleep anymore, I went outside and found the house empty. You left, and you didn’t even say goodbye. You always say goodbye.
As I lie in bed crying, I remember the times when I was pregnant with Hope where I did exactly the same thing. I’d lie in bed and cry every morning, especially when I woke up to text messages from my ex saying mean things, trying to hurt me. I always told myself that things would be different the next time around. That one day I would be able to experience pregnancy the way that it should have been.. just like those happy pictures I saw in the pregnancy magazines I’d flip through when I went to the doctor’s appointments alone - with a loving husband and partner by my side. But instead, I feel exactly the same way that I did when I had Hope. I feel so alone.
Maybe its my own fault for romanticizing what pregnancy was going to be in the confines of a committed and loving marriage. Probably the same thing that I did with marriage. It is not easy. And now that we’re going through this, I’ll admit that I don’t think we’re ready for this either. But then again, when will we ever be? I know God would not have allowed this pregnancy to happen if we really weren’t ready for it. I know God is teaching us through this. But in the midst of all the pain, I feel so alone. I am yearning for someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I know that only God can do that, and maybe that’s what I need to learn through this process. I can’t count on you.. or anyone else in this world to be my savior. God.. you’re all that I have. Please help me to get through this...