Artificial Lobster @artificial-lobster-blog - Tumblr Blog

Masterfully drawn in MS Paint four years ago. I was such a great artist back then...

#kingdom hearts #shadow of the colossus #ms paint #drawings #comic

The Little Mermaid

The story of Ponyo is essentially that of the Little Mermaid...a girl who lives underwater wishes to live on land with the first black-haired guy she sees. But it got me to thinking.

The Little Mermaid would be a lot less cute if Ariel shared Ponyo's obsession with ham.

Instead of her trove of treasures collected from shipwrecks, Ariel would collect rotten, bloated, waterlogged bits of ham.

Remember: under the sea, no one can hear you scream.

#the little mermaid #ponyo #under the sea #artificial lobster

#nostaliga #video games #comic

Mary Poppins

The banker ran down the street, afraid for his life. He'd seen them. They'd been in his very house. He knew that if he wasn't careful, they'd get him. The rogue chimney sweeps.

He'd watched their crazed, demonic dance, and seen the devil they'd summoned with their seemingly random display of flips, twirls, and other astonishing acrobatic feats done on the rooftops. And her-- the umbrella wielding she-devil they summoned. The leader of the chimney sweeps had summoned her by having his chimney eat the children. They were to be sacrificed.

Behind him, he heard a blood-curling scream. It was the constable. They'd gotten him. They had tasted human blood.

...and they'd be hungry for more.

#mary poppins #artificial lobster #chimney sweeps #horror story

The Missing Entry

Reaver's Diary, Entry 4, the Missing Bit "The Hero certainly is a strange one. After I explained my request, he agreed, then fell to his knees in worship. Now, this I can understand. I AM very handsome. However, directly after this, he started having a conversation with his hands, making them alternately jump up and down in happiness, or attack one another. I think there's something very wrong with him..."

#fable 2 #reaver #artificial lobster #diary #sock puppets

UNEMPLOYMENT REACHES NEW HEIGHTS

TOKYO, JAPAN -- Jobs are hard to find anywhere these days, but Tokyo may be worse off than other areas. So, what exactly is Tokyo's problem? The overcrowding, the economy, the unstable job market? The answer is -- illegal aliens. Problems started when a forest was knocked down to develop a residential area. The deforestation of the area left several tanukis homeless. So, rather than hunt down another forest or area to live in, the raccoon dogs instead moved into Tokyo, where locals claim they are given "all the good jobs".

[What looks like an ordinary businessman may very well be a raccoon dog from hell.]

"It's getting to be ridiculous!" a man complained to our reporter. "I can't find a job anywhere these days, on account of those tanukis! I mean, they can freaking transform!!! What chance do I have against something like that???"

[Tanuki, like foxes and apparently cats, have mad transformation skillz.]

But the job stealing isn't all. One woman, who says a family of tanukis live next door to her, says she calls the police at least five times a week. "Damn animals will look for any excuse to party -- and we're not talking calm, civilized parties...oh no! We're talking wild, loud, drunk singing and cult dancing parties! My children are up all night because of the noise. Once, one of them tried to break into my house. He was completely drunk...you could tell because his animation went all crappy. Like he didn't even care anymore."

[A tanuki loses its ability to mantain a decent animation while intoxicated.]

Stealing jobs. Wild parties. Cult dancing. Rabies. Crappy animation. Do tanukis really belong in the city? Have they always lived this way, or have they gathered their behavioral patterns by studying humans on a TV in the middle of a forest? Are we in part to blame for the civilization of tanuki immigrants that have taken over Tokyo? Probably.

[Obviously a drunk tanuki...TRANSFORMED!]

--The News; 2010

#Pom Poko #tanuki #black cat #the news #saiwaikitsune #artificial lobster

Creeper

[Also posted on my main blog, Ravin' Foxes.]

#creeper #the brute man #minecraft #bad puns #saiwaikitsune #mst3k

HEADLINE: MAN RELEASES DOMESTICATED ANIMALS INTO THE WILD

This week's spotlight is on an exotic animal trainer, one Eddy Riggs. Eddy first stumbled across his group of traveling headbangers in a mine. Regardless of the fact that they were wild animals, and very much at home in their natural habitat, Mr. Riggs decided to train these creatures to do various stunts. He trained them to respond to hand signals telling them to follow him, to hold their guard, and to attack statues.

[Eddy Riggs, trainer of Headbangers and owner of Eddy and the Headbangers. He recently got bored with his pets, and released them into the wild...and possibly to their deaths.] The intelligent creatures quickly picked up on these hand signs, and were soon roaming the land with Mr. Riggs. They performed for many people, including a pack of traveling nuns. Everyone agreed that Mr. Riggs' headbangers were amazing...the reason for this being that if they didn't agree, they would be killed.

[Scenes like this were common after shows, when people complained about the quality of Eddy's act. After a while, people stopped complaining out of fear.] Things were looking well for Eddy and the Headbangers, as the group came to be called. But then, Eddy got bored of them. The novelty of the headbangers wore off, and Mr. Riggs grew weary of having his pets follow him wherever he went. So, he released them into the wild. But can these headbangers truly be returned to the wild after living for so long in captivity? Our field reporter recently visited a ranger for the area the headbangers were released in. "I remember those headbangers," the ranger told our reporter. "Few months back, we caught and tagged the lot of them. We were wondering what the pack was doing so far away from home. So, we've been following them, and observing their habits." "From what I understand, there were four that were released in this area. Can we see the survivors?" our field reporter asked. The ranger pointed behind him, towards a hill. On it stood a lone headbanger. "We're not quite sure what happened to the other three," the ranger admitted. "One day we came to check on them, and he was the only one left. Some of my colleagues have suggested cannibalism, but they suggest that as the answer to everything. My personal belief is that after being domesticated, the headbangers just couldn't re-adapt to their environment. Add to that the fact that they usually live in mines...the most likely answer is that the sunlight hit the three of them, and they spontaneously combusted. At the same time." "So how did he survive?" our reporter asked, referring to the lone figure on the hill. "Well, there's always one out of a group that adapts better than the others. That's evolution for you. This could be the start of a whole new breed of headbanger," the ranger smiled. "A breed of headbangers who live in the sun." "We affectionately call him Brain Damage," the ranger told our reporter. "BD for short." Can Brain Damage adapt to life outside the mines? "We'll be monitoring his activity 24/7. We'll find out if he can make it, or if he doesn't, perhaps we can finally find out what happened to the rest of his pack."

[Eddy, giving his troupe the signal to kill statues...or anyone who spoke negatively of their act.]

--Random Article; 2010

#brutal legend #the news #random article #eddy riggs #headbangers

You Almost Make us Forget About Tacos

Yes, on Saturday, October 21, 2006, Jennifer Lopez died…again. She was melted by water, much like the Wicked Witch of the West. In fact, she died this way twice. So her story goes. Jennifer Lopez will continue to be brought back, and she’ll continue to die…die at the hands of a watery grave. Jennifer, you ALMOST make us forget about tacos…but not quite.

-- The News 7; 2006

-------------

A bit of explanation. This was written almost immediately after watching that one South Park episode. You know the one I mean. For days afterwards, we would paint our hands up like Cartman's "Jennifer Lopez", and, when we got tired of it, would wash it off with water. It became a running joke in my family that water was her weakness, so she was clearly the Wicked Witch of the West.

...the final line is totally the best part.

#the news #tacos #south park jennifer lopez #wicked witch of the west

Bed Bug Invasion

Yes, the bed bugs are now gaining ground in the recent Bed Bug war. However, through many spies and long night talks, we have discovered that the main focus of the bed bugs is to annoy everybody with their loud sleepovers, braiding each others’ hair, and playing truth-or-dare, where the main goal is to get the girl bed bugs to kiss the boy bed bugs. What this has to do with fighting us in the war, we don’t know…but it does make good news.

--The News 8; 2006

#the news #bed bugs #invasion #sleepovers #truth-or-dare

A.L.

Back when I lived in Colorado, I spent a lot of my time bored, trying to find things to do to kill time. One of my biggest projects ended up being a goofy little news power point, simply called, "The News". In it, I'd create fake stories using random people and characters. Some were funny...some were just out there.

Artificial Lobster is being started to document these old stories, as well as any new ones I come out with. I *do* still occasionally write them. Not nearly as often, though.

I'll say now, A.L. won't be updated very often. But I hope you enjoy it when it is.

-SaiwaiKitsune

[Our namesake.]

#artificial lobster #the news #not real news stories #documentation #saiwaikitsune

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