Back to Life - Chapter 11
Roy felt like a total genius as he slung on his beach backpack and locked up the car. He had driven them an hour outside the city to a beautiful beach he’d visited before with friends, hoping the November chill and the less populated area would mean less people, and sure enough there was only one or two dog walkers on the main part of the sand further down. It meant he and Danny would have some privacy to spend time together. It meant they could hold hands. They got to the edge of the beach and took their shoes off, and Roy’s hand found Danny’s, their fingers interlocking as they stepped onto the sand. He caught the little smile that made it’s way onto Danny’s face as he looked out towards the sea, and Roy smiled too at the sight. He squeezed Danny’s hand and sighed contentedly, following Danny’s eyeline and looking out at the calm sea himself. It looked beautiful.
Roy had never really considered himself much of a romantic, he was far too realistic and often rolled his eyes at the sight of grand gestures and public displays of affection when he came across them. People being sappy made him cringe. Maybe it was Bianca’s influence that made him so cynical, but his heart felt light and totally content in Danny’s company, here at the beach, probably the most cliché romantic place of all. He was only aware of the sand between his toes, soft and grainy, the sound of the waves, soft and serene, and the warmth of Danny’s hand in his as they walked together. He looked back up at Danny’s face, his overgrown hair blown gently by the breeze, and knew he was turning into one of those corny idiots.
He kissed Danny’s cheek, and Danny turned to look into his eyes, dropping Roy’s hand and wrapping his arm around his shoulder as he kissed his lips softly in return. Roy’s loose arm instinctively crawled around Danny’s waist, pulling him closer as they walked together up the beach. He could see Danny beaming down at him, and he felt utterly at peace. Everything felt right.
He grabbed Danny’s hand again and quickened their walking pace, taking Danny by surprise.
“C’mon.” Roy said, tugging Danny along behind him as he broke into a slow jog.
They were making their way towards what appeared to be a pile of rocks at the end of the beach. Danny wondered what had gotten into Roy as he reached the rocks jutting out into the sea and started climbing on them, letting go of Danny’s hand as he scaled the rocks.
“Where the hell are you going?!” Danny said, perplexed. There was a whole beautiful beach and Roy wanted to go rock climbing.
“Come on, I’ll show you!” Roy said, smiling gleefully as he reached down to grab Danny’s hand to help him up. Danny was amused at Roy’s mischievous manner, he was like a child. He was so cute. Danny made his way to the top of the rocks and saw what was around the corner - a tiny, peaceful cove, secluded from the rest of the beach. No one was there. It felt like their own private island. He took in the view, the waves lapping gently against the shore, and looked around to find Roy was already descending down the rocks towards the cove onto the sand, a sprightly bounce to his step. When he jumped down onto the cove’s sand, he turned to face Danny, his face beaming. He had to stop with that smile, it made Danny melt completely.
Danny clambered his way across the rocks, nearly tripping a number of times, Roy laughing at his clumsy, wobbly climbing strategy.
“Shut up, bitch, if I die it’s your fault.” Danny said, scolding Roy as he finally hobbled down the last few rocks, a lot less confidently than Roy had, and finally, his feet landed on the sand and Roy pulled him in for a sweet kiss. It felt like something from a movie.
Danny broke the kiss, biting his lip as he looked at Roy. Roy brushed the hair out of his eyes, which Danny was grateful for. He loved having longer hair, but it was at that awkward in-between length where it kept getting into his eyes, but Roy made short work of it.
“Thank you.” Danny said, smiling. He felt warm and soothed.
“For what?” Roy asked, intrigued.
“Everything. All of this. Thanks for bringing me here. It’s beautiful.” he said, kissing Roy again.
Roy led Danny to the middle of the beach and started to unpack his bag, laying out a beach blanket and some towels for them. As they changed into their swimming shorts and got settled, Roy couldn’t believe it had been less than a day since they’d rekindled their relationship. Well, relationship was the wrong word - fling, maybe? Despite the fact that this time 24 hours ago he was just looking forward to seeing his friend Adore perform, with no knowledge of the overwhelming feelings that would come over him. This time yesterday, he thought he had his feelings for Danny under control, and had no idea how wrong he was. With everything that had happened between them since then, the all-consuming sex and the dizzying kisses, it felt like forever. It felt like they were together. It felt like they were in love.
He had to remind himself they weren’t. He couldn’t forget that. He had to remember that right now, this wasn’t anything. They had a lot to talk about, because this was confusing. He knew this could get messy if they didn’t address it, and they couldn’t just keep acting like a couple when they didn’t know how each other felt, but he couldn’t bring himself to spoil the moment and bring it up. He didn’t want to. Not here. Not while Danny, with his hair all scruffy, looked like that in his swimming shorts.
He turned onto his side to face Danny, and Danny mirrored him, smiling. It was like they'd never left the bed. He traced his fingers along Danny’s jaw. His gorgeous beard was gone, his face smooth, softened by Adore’s appearance last night.
“You're cute with no beard.” Roy said, brushing his thumb against Danny’s soft lips affectionately.
“Really? I kinda miss the scruff.” Danny said. It was true. He loved being able to express his femininity through Adore. When he was Adore, he felt beautiful in a completely different way, and he felt powerful. Adore had always brought out a confidence in him he didn’t think he had himself, but in more recent times, he had begun to love his masculinity and just being Danny more and more. He still loved being Adore, but he didn’t feel like he needed to be in drag to feel that level of power and confidence anymore. He was happy as he was, man-beard and all, and he owed a lot of that confidence to his friends, who had been so kind to him and helped him to believe in himself more. Roy was one of those people, he always had faith in Danny’s abilities, even when he didn’t have faith in himself.
“Yeah, you look cute with a beard too.” Roy said, cupping Danny’s face as he leaned in to kiss him. Danny lightly traced his fingers up and down Roy’s side, causing Roy to wince visibly and break the kiss. It was unlike him to react to Danny’s touch like that.
“What’s wrong?” Danny asked, concerned.
“Nothing.” Roy said earnestly, placing a kiss on Danny’s lips as Danny relaxed and ran his fingers along Roy’s side again.
Roy giggled, breaking the kiss. Danny looked at him confused, and Roy swatted Danny’s hand away.
“Stop doing that, I can’t take it.”
“What, this?” Danny said, touching Roy teasingly, not understanding what was up until Roy’s whole body jerked away.
“Stop, please!” Roy said, laughing as he spoke. It finally dawned on Danny.
“Oh my God, you’re ticklish, aren’t you?” Danny said, an evil grin crossing his face.
Damn. Roy was busted. He really didn’t want Danny to know how ticklish he was. He knew he’d have a field day with it.
It took seconds for Danny to act. He jumped on Roy, straddling him and tickling him relentlessly. Roy screamed, trying to grab Danny’s arms to make him stop, while Danny cackled loudly, delighted he'd found a weakness in Roy.
“Stop, stop, you're torturing me!” Roy said, laughing loudly as tears streamed from his eyes. He was going to get Danny for this.
Danny tickled under Roy’s armpits, and that was the last straw. Roy used all his strength to push Danny off him, and Danny knew he was in trouble. He got up as quickly as he could and sprinted towards the sea laughing, away from Roy. The water was freezing, and it shocked him as he ran in until the water reached his waist, and turned around to see Roy coming in behind him. Well, he was fucked now.
Roy finally reached him and wasted no time in splashing water right into his face. He jumped on Danny’s shoulders, submerging them both fully underwater. Danny shook him off, swimming up to the surface and gasping for breath, before Roy surfaced moments later, laughing.
“You fucking prick.” Danny smiled, spitting. “My mouth is full of salt water.”
“That’s what you get for trying to kill me. Death by tickling.” Roy said, swimming over to Danny and running his hands through his hair. He looked like a model, with his longish hair hanging loosely over his eyes, dripping onto his chest. Danny bit his lip and stared him straight in the eyes. Those green eyes always disarmed Roy, they were so intense he sometimes felt like he needed to look away or he might do something horribly embarrassing, like blush or something. Not this time, though. He held Danny’s gaze, until Danny was the one to crack under the intensity, averting his eyes to Roy’s lips.
He felt Danny’s arms snake around his waist and wasted no time closing the gap between them, taking Danny’s lips with his, grasping his hair with his fist as he parted his lips. Their tongues began to dance together gently, and Danny hummed with pleasure into Roy’s mouth. The water that felt freezing minutes ago now felt warm as their wet chests slid against each other. They kissed until their heads were spinning, the sea surrounding them. Eventually Roy ended the kiss and looked back up at Danny’s face, content and relaxed.
“You do taste like seawater.” Roy said, kissing Danny softly as he loosely wrapped his arms around his neck.
Danny looked out into the sea, as far as into the distance his eyes could perceive. The water was calm, clean and almost turquoise in colour. He would’ve been happy to spend all day in bed with Roy, but he was so glad Roy had dragged him all the way out here. It meant a lot to be able to spend the day with him, in public, as if they were just a normal couple, instead of a not-quite-couple who were friends, and worked together, who had to hide anything happening between them because of their fanbases. It felt like a day off from all of that. It felt simple, for one.
“This is nice.” he said, squeezing Roy tighter. “It’s pretty. And warm. It’s November, how is it so nice here?”
“I know, I didn’t think even know it’d be this warm. I think it’ll start getting cold soon, though, what do you wanna do after this?”
“I don’t know, maybe we could go for a drive or something?” Danny said, smiling at the thought of just sitting in a car with Roy. They could just talk and relax.
“Yeah, that sounds good, where do you wanna go?”
“Oooh maybe we could go up into the hills, like at the Hollywood sign, it’ll be cute.” Danny said excitedly. It had been a long time since he’d been up there, and he loved the view of the city.
“That sounds great.” Roy said, capturing Danny’s lips with his own. Danny pulled on his bottom lip and their tongues met again. It felt like they couldn’t go more than a few minutes without kissing anymore.
They spent the next half hour in the sea, kissing and swimming. They gave each other piggyback rides and got into splash fights. They were tangled together in another makeout session when Danny grabbed Roy’s ass, giving it a firm squeeze, and Roy was the one to call an end to things.
“Don’t start something you can’t finish.” he whispered into Danny’s ear, nipping his earlobe and dragging his nails up his back.
“Who says I can’t finish it?” he responded, kissing Roy’s neck. Roy grabbed his hand under the water and laced their fingers together.
“Not now. Later.” he said suggestively, kissing Danny once more before turning and starting back towards the sand, their hands entwined.
As Roy turned around, his stomach dropped. He saw two people on the beach, in their cove. They had their phones out and were taking pictures. He thought they’d had the place to themselves. How long had they been there? He dropped Danny’s hand immediately and sped up to create distance between them.
“Fuck, Danny, I think they saw us.” he said. His heart was pounding. Why were they taking pictures? As he got closer, he saw it was a young guy and a girl, both about Danny’s age.
“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Roy said, over and over.
“Roy, of course they saw us, we’re right in front of them.” Danny laughed. He didn’t think it was a big deal. The strangers didn’t seem to be reacting too much to their presence.
Roy was panicking as he reached the shore. What if the pictures blew him and Danny’s cover? They’d been all over each other in the sea for a long time, and the girl definitely had the camera pointed at them. It would be hot gossip among Drag Race fans if the pictures got out. He wasn’t sure whether to confront her or not, whether that would make it worse. He had to get out of there.
Danny felt the shift in Roy’s energy as he reached the beach himself. It was like a switch had flipped in him. Sure, it wasn’t ideal that they were seen, but the pair of strangers didn’t seem that interested in them. Danny was pretty sure they were a straight couple who didn’t recognise them. If they were fans, they’d surely know by now.
Roy wrapped his towel around himself, dried off and started packing up. He gestured to the rocks, as if to say they were leaving. He had a cold demeanour about him, and Danny didn’t like it. He decided it was best not to argue with Roy here. They’d talk when they got to the car, but it seemed a shame to ruin the great time they were having with such a desperate and abrupt exit.
Danny dried himself off in turn, putting his clothes on. By the time he was ready to go, Roy was already all the way at the end of the cove, climbing over the rocks. It felt like he was running away from him. Danny looked at the couple, who were now just laying down, relaxing. They weren’t looking at him at all. He followed Roy, but when started to climb the rocks, he couldn’t see him. Roy wasn’t there to help him this time. He got to the top of the rocks and saw Roy was already almost at the car. It seemed like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Danny climbed down the rock face and walked across the sand towards the car. He had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. They’d gone from a lovely, happy bubble of kisses, touches and affection to a sudden shut-down from Roy. He remembered the last time Roy had shut him out. It hadn’t gone well.
He finally reached the car, opened the passenger seat door and got in. Roy was gripping the steering wheel, his knuckles white.
“Are you ok?” Danny asked tentatively, already knowing the answer.
“Are you fucking kidding? That bitch had her phone out, taking pictures. We’re going to be all over Instagram.”
“Roy you’re being paranoid. They probably didn’t even know who we were, they didn’t seem to clock us at all.”
“Yeah? Well then what was she taking pictures of?” Roy spat, exasperated. How was Danny not getting how serious this was?
“Oh I don’t know, maybe the fucking gorgeous beach? The amazing, beautiful view that we were enjoying before you bolted out of there? They could have been taking selfies for all we know! They didn’t seem to care about us.”
“Danny, what the hell are we gonna do if this gets out? How are we gonna explain this? Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just fucking? We’re completely fucked.”
“Since when did you give a shit what people think?” Danny said, feeling defensive. He didn’t like Roy’s tone at all, especially not the “just fucking” part. It didn’t feel like just fucking. Not to him. But then, they’d never clarified that.
“Danny, I just don’t want the whole of Reddit knowing my shit and speculating about us, thinking shit’s happening that isn’t happening. It’s not what we need.” Roy said, starting the car engine and pulling out of the parking space. Danny could be so frustrating sometimes. He hated that he always had to be the realistic one, while Danny was often living in a dream world. Whenever reality came down upon him, it often crushed Danny, even when they were friends. How could he not see how much this could fuck everything up?
Danny was confused by what Roy was saying. “What kind of shit isn’t happening? We’re hooking up, Roy. That’s the truth of the situation.”
Roy rolled his eyes impatiently. He didn’t even know what he was stressed about. Was it people potentially finding out about him and Danny and speculating about what was going on between them, or was it the fact he had no idea what was going on himself? He didn’t want anyone prying because it would force him to define what he and Danny had, or didn’t have. He didn’t want to stop doing what they were doing, but this might force it.
“Look, let’s just drive.” he said, shutting down the conversation. Danny didn’t know what to think. Roy was pulling away from him, and it was upsetting, but he knew he wasn’t going to get through to him now. He looked out the window, and his stomach sank. He could feel the tears stinging his eyes, waiting to fall, but he wasn’t going to cry in front of Roy. Danny had learned from experience that displays of emotion could go one way or another with Roy - he’d either be amazingly empathetic, supportive and encouraging, or pissed off, short and dismissive. He didn’t want to risk the latter, so he refused to look at Roy or let the tears fall. He turned the radio on as the car fell silent.
Roy could tell Danny was upset as he drove, but he didn’t know what to say to make it right. So he just drove, in silence.
He knew they had to talk. He knew the reason he was freaking out was because if this photo leaked, they would have to face what they were doing. They’d have to put a name on it. They’d probably have to stop. That’s what they had always agreed, that this couldn’t get too complicated, that they had to stay friends above all else. That was what Danny had said he’d wanted.
The drive back to LA felt like forever, silent but for the sound of Danny’s soft singing. After they arrived in LA, Danny was surprised to see Roy was driving up to the Hollywood sign, like they’d said. His mood had switched so much that Danny had assumed they were going home, that Roy wouldn’t want to spend any more time with him that day. He finally looked over at Roy after they parked the car near the sign, and saw his body and jaw were completely tense.
“Let’s go.” Roy said coolly, stepping out of the car, walking ahead of Danny again.
Roy sat on the hill behind the sign, looking out over the Los Angeles evening skyline. As Danny sat beside him, he saw the sun was setting, and the sky was a kind of light navy. It was beautiful. It calmed him. He finally looked over at Danny, meeting his eyes. He looked concerned and sad, and Roy felt bad about it. He was still scared about what was going to happen to them, but he suddenly felt calmer.
Danny saw Roy’s body visibly relax, and he breathed a sigh of relief, taking his hand. Danny didn’t know how he felt. He was worried about what was going on with him. He didn’t want them to freeze each other out. They needed to understand each other.
“It’s beautiful up here.” Danny said, and Roy nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I’m glad we made it up here in time for sunset.”
“Wanna talk?” Danny asked tentatively, giving Roy’s hand a squeeze.
“Yeah, I guess we should.” Roy said.
They both sighed. How were they supposed to talk when they had no idea what to say? How had they ended up here again?
