a russian rat is clever.

[arussianrat-blog]

                            THIS CHANCE IS ALL I’VE GOT                     

[fiightcrarchived2]

rpmemesstash:

different ways to say ‘i love you’. 

‘i’ll make you something, yeah? your favorite dish, just for you.’

‘let’s get you back to bed.’

‘shh, it was just a nightmare.’

‘you like this, don’t you? i remember you saying that.’

‘i drew up a bath for you.’

‘you need rest.’

‘you ought to be asleep.’

‘i bought two.’

‘here. you can have the rest.’

‘i thought of you when i saw this.’

‘i like your smile.’

‘you have a cute laugh.’

‘stay there. i’m coming there to get you.’

‘it’s okay, i’m here, we’re okay.’

‘be careful.’

‘look both ways.’

‘you mean so much to me.’

‘i can’t lose you.’

‘i thought i might have lost you.’

‘how to you feel about the nickname, (insert nickname)?’

‘it looks good on you.’

‘i’ll make you soup.’

‘ah-ah-ah. you’re sick. you need to stay in bed.’

‘are you okay in there?’

‘that’s it, that’s it. get it all out. shh.’

‘it’s a remedy i knew. helps with your throat.’

‘it’s a lullaby. would you like me to sing it to you? would that help you fall asleep?’

‘i’m worried about you.’

‘what do you want to watch?’

‘where would you like to go for dinner?’

‘close your eyes and hold out your hands.’

‘we’ll figure it out.’

‘oh, it’s not big deal. you’re fine.’

‘i brought you some medicine for your cold.’

‘you’re important to me.’

‘this is your favorite song, right?’

‘you’re like a son/daughter to me.’

‘good luck!’

‘you’re like a mom/dad to me.’

‘don’t say that about yourself.’

‘want to come with?’

“wow! you look really nice.’

‘goodnight, (insert term of affection).’

‘it’s okay. i couldn’t sleep anyway.’

‘you can have half.’

‘come here. let me fix it.’

‘your tie is crooked.’

‘c’mere. shh, it’s okay.’

‘i’m not going to hurt you.’

‘can i touch you?’

‘can i kiss you?’

‘can i hug you?’

‘promise.’

‘would i ever lie to you?’

‘i think you’re very beautiful/handsome.’

‘hey, good-looking.’

‘of course i care. you’re my family.’

‘one more chapter.’

‘i love you.’

[skyesmemes]

how do we fix this now? list of angsty relationship starter.

“i’ve messed this up, haven’t i?” “i get it. s/he’s smarter, more attractive.” “all these other women are making me nervous.” “don’t worry, the only one i ever see is you.” “please don’t let go of me. please, never let go.” “do you ever wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t met?” “i’m scared of loving you. i’m scared of hurting you.” “i’m ending this now. i’m ending this before it goes too far.” “this was a mistake. i’m sorry.” “do you really think that?” “i gave you everything.” “i don’t have any feelings left for you.” “just walk away.” “i need you. more than anything.” “you understand me.” “you can’t just leave.” “so this is what it comes down to huh? wasted time & a half empty bottle of vodka — don’t touch the bottle, i’ll say when i’ve had enough.” “don’t touch me!” “she was always first in your eyes.” “i’m sorry for trying.” “in the end, i should have known that you would break me.”

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

     “  yeah,  ”    there’s a smile,  shows that she’s at  ease,  happy with him.  she takes his hand in hers,  then  ——–  she  loves  him,  truly.    “  you’re an  idiot,  dima.  ”    she laughs,  leaning her head against his shoulder.    “  is this a trick to make me just speak of how much i  love  you  ?  ”    it’s delivered in jest,  but it’s  true.  as much as they’ve gone through,  it’s still  him.  it always will be.

     “  you just  ——–  you make me feel  safe,  like i don’t have to be anything but who i am.  like….  like  happiness  is something i get to have.  ”

❛ maybe. ❜

impish grin crosses his face. she knows him better than anybody, and yet, he’s sure she has no idea what he’s thinking right now. his brain is going a mile a minute, trying to figure out a speech, a place, a time, a ring. there’s so much to plan, so many things to keep a secret from her - everything has to be perfect. she doesn’t deserve anything less.

❛ you deserve so much more, anya. ❜

he wishes that she could see that - that she deserved all that was good in the world. that despite what history kept on telling her - them, again and again, she deserved it all - especially happiness. part of him knows that he’ll never feel like he’s good enough for her, that she could do better, but yet, she chose him. she loves him, and that’s what matters. 

❛ you deserve to be happy, and safe. to feel those things.  ❜

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

     she’s  nervous  for his reaction  ——–  at first she fears that he might leave,  say that he  hates  her.  but he doesn’t  leave  —-  he stays,  he lifts her up and spins her and she laughs in surprise,  presses her lips to his once she’s been placed down.  she loves him,  she loves this feeling of  happiness  he brings her,  she loves the future  child  she is carrying.

     “  only a few weeks in,  we  —-  we  may  need to move the wedding up,  i’m not sure of anything else,  but….  we’re going to be a  family.  ”

he hadn’t even thought about that -- the wedding, they’d definitely have to move the wedding up. hasn’t really given much thought to the wedding ; doesn’t think there really is a need for an elaborate ceremony when she’s captured his heart long ago. he isn’t leaving this time, not by his own will, at least. he’s in this forever.  

❛  we’ll have to talk to vlad, then. see when the fastest he can have everything ready would be. ❜

tentatively places his hand over her stomach. can’t believe he almost walked away from this ( or rather, that he had been stupid and foolish enough to. his only consolation is that he had come back. ) family - they’re going to be a family, a FAMILY. he’s going to have a family, he’s going to start a family with the one person he loves more than anything - it’s all he’s ever wanted. 

❛ i love you -- both of you.  ❜

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

“  everything with you feels  right.  ”

@arussianrat  //  SC.

takes just one look at her ; and knows that he wants this forever. he might not deserve it, but there’s nothing better than this. they deserve this - the feeling of everything being right for once, the feeling of being content and safe and simply happy. it’s simple, and plain. how could he have ever walked away from something like this? he’d made everything so complicated. it feels stupid now, looking back -  leaving because of all his anxieties and fears, when all he ever did was miss her.

❛ yeah? ❜

he tries to take it all in, the way she looks, the city, their surroundings -- knows that he’ll be telling this story someday - the story of when he first knew he wanted to marry her. he wants to know what she’s thinking, and why. for the first time since they met, his fears and anxieties aren’t so much that she’ll leave him, or that she realizes that she deserves someone better than him, but more so that she doesn’t want forever with him the same way he wants it with her. 

❛ say more? ❜

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

     the old nick - name,  the term of endearment,  it makes her  smile,  eases nerves for a moment.    “  you,  er  —-  you  may  want to sit down for this  ?  ”    pulls out chair for him,  taps it so that he may sit,  since she has  no  idea how he could react to to this news,  whether he’d up  &  leave again.    “  you know how  —-  i’ve been  nauseous  recently  ?  ”    that’s a good way to start this,  isn’t it  ?    “  well,  i went to the doctors,  to see what could be happening,  and….  stay  calm,  all right  ?  ”

     she pauses,  now,  because this is  truly  the scariest thing she’s had to do.    “  i’m….  i’m  pregnant,  dmitry.  ”

if she wants him to just leave, all she needs to do is tell him she doesn’t want to see him again ; she doesn’t have to give him an explanation or all. still, he listens - it’s the least he can do, after everything he’s done. her talking about being nauseous doesn’t seem like a good thing, but it certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of talk that he had been expecting. stay calm. that’s right, he can totally do that. he’s not freaking out at all. it’s not like good news rarely follows ‘stay calm’ and ‘you might want to sit down for this’.

❛  you’re what?  ❜

she’s not leaving him -- far from it. they’re going to be parents. leaps out of his chair, picks her up and spins her around. he’s going to be a FATHER. there’s so much to do - and so little time and he REALLY shouldn’t be picking anya up like this, it can’t be good for the baby. they’ll have to tell lily and vlad and  he’ll have to start working a little bit more to save up for the baby and his head is spinning from all this information. 

❛  when are - do you know - how long -  ❜

he’s rendered speechless, partially out of relief, but also partially because he can’t believe he’s going to be - they’re going to be a family. 

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

     “  dmitry…  ?  ”    there’s a new type of nerves when she speaks  —-  has been  engaged  to him for a few months now.  it’s taken some time to trust him,  to trust that he won’t  leave  her again.  &  perhaps that’s why she’s hidden this news,  kept it to herself.  but there’s only  so long  she can do that for until he figures it out. she fiddles,  nervously,  with the ring  —-  the  symbol  of their future.

     “  dmitry,  can we talk  ?  it’s…  it’s  important.  ”

@arussianrat  //  starter  !

turns around ; trying to have a read on anya. ❛  yes, solnyshko? ❜ he hasn’t seen her this nervous in a long time ; the last time was probably when they had run away together - started a life together once again. maybe, that’s it -- she wants to leave him, doesn’t want to marry him anymore. and who can blame her? she deserves so much more than someone who had left her, someone who had lied to her time and time again. if that’s what she wants, then he’ll leave. no questions asked, no arguments. she deserves someone better than him anyways.  

❛  what is it? ❜

[arussianratarchive]

aphelier:

     THE TRIP TO LAS VEGAS   was supposed to be a relaxing, fun, worry-free vacation away from the city and all the responsibilities tied to anya’s life there. she’d made a list over things to do: spend a day by the pool, see a celebrity impersonator, test her hand at gambling. getting married was not on that list. and yet here she is. married. ( she must be. the tacky ring on her left ring finger can’t be anything but a wedding ring. plus, there’s a note on the mirror from her ‘hubby’, a term which makes her cringe harder than ever before. ) memory of the previous night is lackluster, but what anya does remember is a blur of her and dmitry, who she assumes must be her so-called hubby, downing shots after shots, loud music blasting from what must have been a dozen speakers, awful dancing, and a priest dressed in an elvis costume.

     her head is both spinning and throbbing at the same time, and anya quickly comes to the conclusion that this is the worst hangover she’s ever experienced. she gets out of bed slowly, making sure not to make any brash movements as to avoid sending her head reeling even further. slipping into a pair of shorts and a shirt, she makes a beeline for the elevator, leaving the suite behind the way it was when she woke          completely trashed.

     when anya makes it to the restaurant on the first floor, it doesn’t take long to find dmitry. sitting at a table with vlad, the both seem to be in great moods, which, in anya’s mind, is a little unsettling. based on the amount of alcohol they must have consumed the previous night, she had expected to find them knocked out somewhere. so, she approaches them both with a polite smile.     ❛  good morning.   ❜     it only takes vlad a second to make himself scarce, which she appreciates. they don’t really need an audience; the conversation is bound to be awkward enough on its own.     ❛                  please tell me the ring is a joke.  ❜

AUs.   @arussianrat ( what happens in vegas )

he wakes up, slightly nauseous for the first time since ever, really -  can’t remember the last time he woke up hungover, it isn’t a pleasant feeling ( people really weren’t exaggerating when they were talking about the sort of pounding headache that came along with being hungover ). the pain is enough to make him regret every single decision he made last night, he’d woken up in bed with a girl he met last night - anya ( ? ) he can’t really remember. honestly, the pain from this hangover is bad enough that he’s questioning his own name at this point.

he remembers climbing out of bed, writing a post it note for anya - letting her know that he’ll be downstairs with vlad at breakfast, if she feels inclined to join them. vlad keeps on glancing at his hand, and honestly, if he wasn’t so preoccupied with stuffing his face with bagels ( one of the better hangover cures, he’s heard ), he would’ve asked vlad if there was something wrong, or if there was something he wanted to address. 

somewhere between his third bagel, and his second glass of water, he looks up to find vlad gone, and anya in his place. almost chokes on the bagel he’s desperately trying to scarf down -- ❛  what do you mean, the ring? ❜ he follows her line of vision, to the same spot on his finger where vlad had been staring moments before. suddenly, it all started coming back to him - the wedding, the rings, them. 

❛  oh shit.  ❜

[arussianratarchive]

voskresheniye:

     “  oh,  ”    that makes a bit more sense  ——–  she doesn’t think he’d come back of his own free will,  not after he said he’d  hated  her.  but she still missed him.  she missed him with ever passing day,  saw his presence everywhere she was,  no matter  futile  attempts to get rid of him.  she still saw the ghost of his smile,  of how  happy  he’d made her for a short period of time.    “  you don’t  —-  you don’t  have  to leave,  ”    she tries.    

     “  vlad is….  vlad is your closest friend,  &  i know he’s  missed  you,  ”    what she says.  what she doesn’t say is  i’ve missed you,  i’ve felt like part of me has been gone.    “  i think he’d appreciate it if you stayed,  and….  ”    please don’t leave me again,  she doesn’t say.  i wrote to you every day,  she holds back.

     “  besides,  ”    she brings on a forced smile,  as if she doesn’t feel her own heart breaking with every word.    “  i’m not done setting everything up,  not yet  —-  i could  use  the help.  ”

❛ he doesn’t  ❜ hesitates, not really sure how to carry himself around her. ❛ know i’m here. it’s kind of a surprise. ❜

he hadn’t planned on coming back -- not until last week ; not until vlad’s last letter. anya was right ; vlad was his closest friend ( not that dmitry considered many people his friends ;  aside from vlad, there really wasn’t anyone else. ) he owed him that much. if nothing else, he owed vlad an apology - and anya too. he’d left because he was scared ; scared of not being GOOD ENOUGH for her, for being a roadblock in her journey, but most of all, scared that she would leave him.

not that any apology could make up for the fact that he had just left her. she had deserved more than a note on the pillowcase. seeing her here, in front of him, makes it all the more real. he’d heard from vlad the extent of pain that he’d caused her ( the last thing he had ever wanted to do ), but being right next to her was what made it all the more real. he could imagine it ; imagine her waking up alone, knowing the last words she had screamed at him was IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH, WHY HAVEN’T YOU LEFT?. knowing that he had hurt the one person he cared about the most was what was the most upsetting ; hurting her and causing her any kind of pain had never been his intention.

he’d spent all this time thinking that what he’d done was right ; genuinely thought that what he was doing what was best for her. but now, standing in front of her, he knew that things would never go back to the way it was. that he had ended something beautiful, and delicate, and real. the apology is on the tip of his tongue,  i’m sorry i left. i’m sorry that i left him - and you, and that i wasn’t here. you deserve someone better, someone who stays, someone who matches you in intellect and wit and status. someone who is your equal.

he’s always had too much pride ; apologizing has never been his strong suit. he has so many thoughts, so many things to apologize for that once he starts, he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop. his apologies will make everything worse anyways. he can’t verbalize all the things he wants to say to her ( she’s always left him kind of speechless ). doesn’t know how to look her in the eye and apologize for all the pain he’s caused her. the same way he doesn’t know how to stop being in love with her.

almost asks her if she’s sure; wouldn’t blame her if she had taken a look at him and kicked him out. and maybe, he’s just being selfish ( okay, he’s definitely selfish ) but part of him knows that if he gives her the chance to reconsider, she might say no.

❛ what do you need me to do? ❜

[arussianratarchive]

‘ i’m sorry for that night. ’

sure, she’d been the one to tell him “if you hate me so much, why haven’t you left?”. words that she surely didn’t mean, words that were screamed in the heat of the moment, but words that had changed everything. but he was the one who had acted on those words. the one who had given up on the two of them, had ended something good before he could get hurt (before she could leave him just like the others had), had ended it for a fear of holding her back from her full potential, from her dreams of reuniting with her family.

he’d ruined everything. stayed in contact with vlad, only to be reminded in every letter just what he’d done and how miserable she was ( a small part of him was thankful that vlad had never made him ask about how anya was doing — even if vlad was mostly doing it to reprimand him. ) had made the two of them even more miserable apart, than they ever were together.

he’d called her solnyshka back then for a reason; still did, in his thoughts. she’d made him a better person. there was no doubting that.

❛  i’m sorry too. ❜

he wishes, desperately, that they could go back to before. before the fight, before he’d walked out on her - on them. wishes that they were capable of addressing their feelings, on the brief moments of flirtation they have every now and then at a time that isn’t when they’re half asleep in the dark.

a pause. “where do you think we would be now, if i hadn’t left?” is on the tip of his tongue. he knows better than to ask; to dwell on the what ifs. it won’t do either of them any good. and so he settles for the next best thing —  

❛ why’d you ask me to come with you? you could’ve asked anybody. ❜

you could’ve asked somebody who wasn’t me; somebody who didn’t leave, is what goes unsaid. so why me? why’d you ask the boy who broke your heart, the boy who doesn’t deserve to be in your life once again?

[arussianratarchive]

‘ i’d like to be my old self again, but i’m still trying to find it. ’

brows furrow, trying to make sense of the implication of her words. she wants to be THE GRAND DUCHESS ANASTASIA again? he’d thought that she’d wanted to leave that life behind — it was the reason why she had followed him onto the bridge, why they had left to start new lives.

she’d muttered this in the dark, the two of them lying side by side in bed — half asleep. the words had struck him in the heart, solidifying the plans that he’d kept to himself for a while. he wasn’t sure when he’d leave - selfishly wanted as much time as he could with her ( wanted to cherish the happy memories as long as he could ). 

it’s a good thing ; being aware of this plan. it gives him time to think, to find the funds to set up not just his own life away from anya but also one for her as well. he’s very well aware that he loves her, that his feelings are reciprocated — precisely why he can’t stay anymore.

 ❛  solnyshka — ❜

he’d started calling her that recently ; sunshine. it wasn’t nearly close to what she meant to him, but it was as close as he’d get. he’d have to remember every last moment, every kiss, every solnyshka, every little tiny thing. 

he’s a hinderance, a road block to anya becoming anastasia - the girl she was destined to be, and clearly, still wants to be once again. all he wants for her is her happiness — whatever that is. and if her happiness depends on not having him in her life, then he’ll just have to get a move on making arrangements in the morning. 

❛  you have so much time. ❜

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so much time without him. so much time to explore herself, reunite with her family and lead the life that she had once had. it was all she had ever wanted. he’d simply been a brief diversion.

he presses his lips to her forehead, thankful that she can’t see his pained face in the dark.

❛  now, go back to sleep. ❜

[arussianratarchive]

❛ you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me? ❜

no. the words no are on the tip of his tongue ; every fiber of his body BEGGING him to say no - to tell her that if they run away together, there’s no turning back. reminding him that he had left for a reason, knew that he was IN LOVE with the grand duchess anastasia nikolaevna romanova. a girl who represented the reason why he had spent the majority of his childhood alone. 

and even if it wasn’t for the fact that her parents had taken EVERYTHING away from him, princesses don’t fall in love with common men ( a con man, even). he’d made the right choice in leaving the first time ; better to end it all on a good note, than have it get drawn out over a couple of years and have them both be miserable. it was a beautiful memory, something for him to revisit every now and again -  something for another lifetime, perhaps. he didn’t want to burn the edges, after all. 

he’d tried forgetting her, forgetting all about the promise of them - something that proved impossible when she was everywhere he turned. he heard of her through whispers on the street,  saw her on the cover of every newspaper, but most of all, he saw her in the most mundane things. the bridge, children playing on the streets, the sun - it’d been near impossible. and with vlad’s lecture about leaving them behind, he’d been forced to make himself a part of their lives again.

it had taken time, but he had learned how to be civil - to be friends - with anya. they’d never addressed the past ( he’d probably bolt, if it ever came up ). her asking him to run away with her was never part of his plan - but then again, neither was any of their past ; meeting her, falling in love with her, reuniting her with her family --  why would this be any different?

❛ ... yes. ❜

he’s tired. tired of having everything he loves, everyone he loves taken away from him. whether it’s out of his control or not. he wanted to run away once - only, had been dragged back by vlad. he hates that even now, after all this time & progress, that she could ask him to follow her to the ends of the earth, and he would. 

@voskresheniye

[littlelovelymemes]

✰ * º ❛   taylor swift lyric starters   ❜

          * these are mainly sad / angsty lyrics – some of which have been changed for clarity / to better the perspective of the meme.   as always, feel free to change ‘em up however you need to!!

‘  something about it felt like home somehow.  ’ ‘  i might be okay, but i’m not fine at all.  ’ ‘  i remember it all too well.  ’ ‘  i forget about you long enough to forget why i needed to.  ’ ‘  maybe i asked for too much.  ’ ‘  this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up.  ’ ‘  you call me up again just to break me like a promise.  ’ ‘  so casually cruel in the name of being honest.  ’ ‘  time won’t fly, it’s like i’m paralyzed by it.  ’ ‘  i’d like to be my old self again, but i’m still trying to find it.  ’ ‘  i’m so glad you made time to see me.  ’ ‘  how’s life?  ’ ‘  your guard is up and i know why.  ’ ‘  you gave me roses and i left them there to die.  ’ ‘  this is me swallowing my pride.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry for that night.  ’ ‘  turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you.  ’ ‘  these days i haven’t been sleeping.  ’ ‘  you gave me all your love and all i gave you was ‘goodbye.’  ’ ‘  maybe this is wishful thinking.  ’ ‘  if we loved again, i swear i’d love you right.  ’ ‘  i’d go back in time and change it, but i can’t.  ’ ‘  wishing i’d realized what i had when you were mine.  ’ ‘  in a box beneath my bed is a letter that you never read from three summers back.  ’ ‘  it’s hard not to find it all a little bittersweet.  ’ ‘  all this time i was wasting, hoping you would come around.  ’ ‘  i’ve been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.  ’ ‘  you’re thinking we’ll be fine, but not this time around.  ’ ‘  you don’t have to call anymore. i won’t pick up the phone.  ’ ‘  you can tell me you’re sorry, but i don’t believe you like i did before.  ’ ‘  you got your share of secrets and i’m tired of being last to know.  ’ ‘  i should have known.  ’ ‘  i was a dreamer before you went and let me down.  ’ ‘  now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around.  ’ ‘  maybe i was naïve, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance.  ’ ‘  my mistake, i didn’t know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.  ’ ‘  i had so many dreams about you and me.  ’ ‘  and there you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me, just like i always wanted.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well.  ’ ‘  my mother accused me of losing my mind, but i swore i was fine.  ’ ‘  you paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain.  ’ ‘  i see it all now that you’re gone.  ’ ‘  don’t you think i was too young to be messed with?  ’ ‘  maybe it’s me and my blind optimism to blame.  ’ ‘  maybe it’s you and your sick need to give love then take it away.  ’ ‘  you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand.  ’ ‘  run as fast as you can.  ’ ‘  you’re an expert at ‘sorry’ and keeping lines blurry.  ’ ‘  all the girls that you’ve run dry have tired, lifeless eyes cause you’ve burned them out.  ’ ‘  people like you always want back the love they gave away.  ’ ‘  the more i think about it now, the less i know.  ’ ‘  all you had to do is stay.  ’ ‘  now that it’s just too late.  ’ ‘  i’ve been picking up the pieces of the mess you made.  ’ ‘  people like you always want back the love they pushed aside.  ’ ‘  people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.  ’ ‘  why’d you have to go and lock me out when i let you in?  ’ ‘  let me remind you, this is what you wanted.  ’ ‘  you ended it.  ’ ‘  you were all i wanted, but not like this.  ’ ‘  loving you was blue like i’d never known.  ’ ‘  missing you was dark grey all alone.  ’ ‘  forgetting you was like trying to know somebody you never met.  ’ ‘  but loving you was red.  ’ ‘  touching you was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.  ’ ‘  fighting with you was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer.  ’ ‘  regretting you was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong.  ’ ‘  moving on from you is impossible when i still see it all in my head.  ’ ‘  this is it, i’ve had enough.  ’ ‘  we called it off again last night.  ’ ‘  we are never, ever, ever getting back together.  ’ ‘  i’m really gonna miss you picking fight and falling for it screaming that i’m right.  ’ ‘  it’s been awhile since i have even heard from you.  ’ ‘  i should just tell you to leave ‘cause i know exactly where it leads.  ’ ‘  you got that james dean daydream look in your eyes.  ’ ‘  i got that red lip classic thing that you like.  ’ ‘  when we go crashing down, we come back every time.  ’ ‘  we never go out of style.  ’ ‘  i heard that you’ve been out and about with some other girl.  ’ ‘  what you heard is true.  ’ ‘  i can’t stop thinking about you.  ’ ‘  just take me home.  ’ ‘  when you take, you take the very best of me.  ’ ‘  i’m not what you wanted.  ’ ‘  i’ve never been anywhere cold as you.  ’ ‘  you put up walls and paint them all shades of gray and i stood there loving you and wished them all away.  ’ ‘  you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer and the nerve to adore you.  ’ ‘  you never did give a damn thing, honey, but i cried for you.  ’ ‘  i know you wouldn’t have told nobody if i died for you.  ’ ‘  you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. were you just kidding?  ’ ‘  this thing is breaking down.  ’ ‘  we almost never speak.  ’ ‘  i don’t feel welcome anymore.  ’ ‘  one second it was perfect, now you’re halfway out the door.  ’ ‘  it rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone.  ’ ‘  i was there when you said forever and always.  ’ ‘  was i out of line?  ’ ‘  did i say something way too honest?  ’ ‘  thought i knew you for a minute, but now i’m not so sure.  ’ ‘  put my name at the top of your list.  ’ ‘  you break my heart in the blink of an eye.  ’ ‘  you wear your best apology, but i was there to watch you leave.  ’ ‘  all the times i let you in just for you to go again disappear when you come back.  ’ ‘  this is the last time you tell me i’ve got it wrong.  ’ ‘  this is the last time i say it’s been you all along.  ’ ‘  this is the last time i let you in my door.  ’ ‘  this is the last time, i won’t hurt you anymore.  ’ ‘  you told me you loved me, so why did you go away?  ’ ‘  all that i know is i don’t know how to be something you miss.  ’ ‘  i never thought we’d have a last kiss.  ’ ‘  never imagined we’d end like this.  ’ ‘  there’s not a day i don’t miss those rude interruptions.  ’ ‘  i hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day and something reminds you you wish you had stayed.  ’ ‘  i hope something reminds you you wish you had stayed.  ’ ‘  i’ll watch your life in pictures like i used to watch you sleep.  ’ ‘  i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe.  ’ ‘  i keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are.  ’ ‘  i never planned on you changing your mind.  ’ ‘  none of us thought it was gonna end that way.  ’ ‘  it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.  ’ ‘  i don’t know what to be without you around.  ’ ‘  i can’t breathe without you, but i have to.  ’ ‘  i never wanna see you hurt.  ’ ‘  nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.  ’ ‘  come on, don’t leave me like this.  ’ ‘  you’re all i wanted.  ’ ‘  i thought i had you figured out.  ’ ‘  i still mean every word i said to you.  ’ ‘  the whole time i’m wishing he was you instead.  ’ ‘  i just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you.  ’ ‘  i wish i could run to you and i hope you know that every time i don’t, i almost do.  ’ ‘  i bet you think i either moved on or hate you.  ’ ‘  i bet it never occurred to you that i can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye.  ’ ‘  we made quite a mess, babe.  ’ ‘  it’s probably better off this way.  ’ ‘  i hope sometimes you wonder about me.  ’ ‘  nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down.  ’ ‘  say you’ll remember me.  ’ ‘  say you’ll see me again.  ’

[midsommars-deactivated20201109]

Song to Song (2017) Directed by Terrence Malick

[arussianratarchive]

whosmiled:

     it’s the sight of him,  the sound of his voice  —-  that seems to be  all  it takes,  to make any progress she’d made completely  fail.  she’d been proud of herself,  hadn’t been upset for  too  long.  life goes on,  she’d thought to herself.  life  always  goes on,  even when  ——– no,  ESPECIALLY  when stupid low - life boys who aren’t worth your time break your heart.

     and yet,  it’s a familiar voice that breaks all that.  it’s a familiar voice that had once said he didn’t want to be in  love  with some one he couldn’t have,  the same voice that said he  hated  her,  that comes back  &  snatches all air from her lungs.  part of her wants to hold him close,  kiss him,  tell him to never leave her again,  because somehow,  she’s  missed  him.  the other part wants to scream,  yell.  she shuts her eyes a moment,  gets a  hold  of herself  ——–  HE CAN’T CONTROL HER ANYMORE.

     ❛  dmitry.  ❜    tone is cold,  distant,  and she looks  anywhere  but at him…  had been planning this party for vlad for  months,  he will  not  be the one to ruin it.    ❛  what’re you doing here  ?  ❜

❛ vlad reached out to me. ❜

he’d left a simple note on the pillowcase, I LOVE YOU & THAT’S WHY I HAVE TO GO, months ago - no apology ( knew that no amount of apologies could ever repay the heartbreak he’d cause her ). ‘i love you’ had been on the tip of his tongue, yearning to be spoken aloud  - words that he had held in all this time & continue to keep to himself, with the knowledge that once they were said, they’d be real. 

not that his feelings had subsided in any way upon leaving. they were still, very much real. he’d heard that time healed all wounds ( granted, that was in the context of his parents’ passing ) but months had passed and his feelings had only grown, if not subsided. the words i’m sorry are on his lips now - mutated ; but still very much there. and in all reality, he is - he is sorry. wishes that things didn’t have to be this way - that it hadn’t been in both of their best interests to leave. 

part of him always wanted to leave ; wanted to see what was out there - to explore just a little. and he’d hoped to do that, once he had gotten his prize money. falling in love with anastasia was something he had ever counted on. but somehow, everywhere he went, all he could do was think of anya. memories of her were there everywhere he turned. and even if his thoughts weren’t consumed by her, she was on the cover of every headline. everyone had wanted to get to know THE GRAND DUCHESS, the lost princess. the sole survivor.

she’d survived far worse than him leaving. he’d thought she’d be okay. had told vlad to take care of her for him ; never offering up an explanation or a return date - and vlad had never asked. he’d never asked vlad for an update - the voices in his head were enough of a reminder that his decision had been wrong ; that he should’ve stayed. maybe then, he’d be happy too. but vlad had told him just how anya had been coping, how she’d been asking around about him - even asked vlad to pass along messages and letters. letters that were still sitting in his bag, unopened. next to letters of his own, that he’d never been brave enough to send. all, variants of I’M SORRY and i miss you and i didn’t mean it, please forgive me.

it’d taken every inch of his willpower not to open them, or to send his own. walking away had been hard enough the first time. he didn’t need a reminder of what he’d left behind either. and had it not been for vlad’s request, surely, he wouldn’t have ever set foot here again.

❛ don’t worry ; i’m leaving as soon as the festivities are over. ❜

[arussianratarchive]

whosmiled:

     ‘  i  —-  sorry,  but  what  ?  ’    it’s…  an  odd  thing to hear,  calling it odd is an understatement.  he says she’s dead,  but yet…  here she is.  back  home,  with a childhood friend.    ‘  this doesn’t make any  sense.  ’    she’s right  —-  she thinks.    ‘  how can i be  dead  if i was in  paris  a moment ago  ?  ’

it’s now that he wishes that vlad was here with him ; even if it meant vlad’s countless teasing later. vlad, who would’ve been able to just get the job done, and get them out of there. but vlad isn’t here - he’s outside, and he’s here alone. 

❛ we don’t have much time, i’m afraid. do you remember what happened? anything at all? ❜