Absence

he/it/worm/rot Persecutor Psychotic symptom holder Read my pinned post before scrolling Block, don’t report

[as-i-decay]

Michaela’s vent blog (main is @grime-souls).

The “#targeted ⚰️” tag is directed towards multiple different beings at the moment, including my headmates. It’s usually used for vents/positivity posts. It is not intended to actually be seen by the people it’s about.

♱ He/it/worm/rot

♱ Aplatonic afamilial - I love my

partner and my partner only

♱ Brainmade

♱ Persecutor alter, frequent fronter

♱ Considered the “problematic” one

♱ Delusional, symptom holder of

psychosis

♱ Avoid using the present tense for me

♱ Refer to me as a male corpse only,

rather than an alive human (replace

person/human/being with corpse/

cadaver/carcass

♱ I view myself physically as a

catboy, psychologically as a rotting

corpse, spiritually as an angel and

socially as a video game character.

Treat me as dead/a higher being if

you’re a friend, but treat me as a

cat if you’re my partner.

BLOCK, DON’T REPORT - Reporting a vent account takes away the user’s way of getting help and expressing their feelings. If they lose that, they are at bigger risk of harm.

Blog TWs: mentions of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse/assault, obsession, violence, sex, drugs, unreality

Userboxes:

“this hurts me more than it will ever hurt you” /lyr

Links:

♱ Face claims

♱ Pronouns cc

♱ PluralKit xyz

♱ Spotify playlist

♱ Pinterest board

♱ TikTok collection

♱ YouTube playlist

Last updated at 20:13, Tuesday 12th May 2026

[as-i-decay]

I have delusions that I have disorders (but only under a state of psychosis or severe paranoia)

And I can’t remember what I was diagnosed with, what I’m self diagnosed with, and what was a psychotic delusion

[puppydr3amzz]

I kinda really hate the way I never really stop loving anyone, even if that love changes from platonic to romantic or similar stuff, it never really disappears, so I end up missing every being I've ever been friends with. /nav just yapping

[two-two-are-six]

what if we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and

[rottingpuppycorpse]

IM NOT CODEPENDENT YOU ARE!!! i scream into the abyss

[rottingpuppycorpse]

i want to throw up

[as-i-decay]

FUCK I FORGOT SOMEONE I KNOW PICKED THAT NAME

FOR CHRIST’S SAKE

[as-i-decay]

Considering changing my name to Angel because guys called Angel are hot

[as-i-decay]

Sex really brings us to life

[as-i-decay]

Squealing like a pig and kicking my feet

[as-i-decay]

How has it been 11 months and 8 days and he still makes me so nervous and giggly?

[as-i-decay]

Oh man I’m getting butterflies

[saintacephale]

the sexual tension between a healthy portrayal of emotions vs me saying “i think i am going to die” everytime i feel a strong emotion

[furiousgoldfish]

The memory loss as a feature of ptsd and dissociative disorder is rarely talked about. It’s not only ‘big holes in memories’ or ‘blank periods of time’, though of course that happens too. But you lose people from your memory too.

Relationships, friendships. People who once meant everything to you, you can’t recall their names anymore. People you only casually knew during a period of trauma can fade from your mind completely. You can’t remember what you said to someone, what conversations you had together, even the fights and the lows, it all becomes a blur, and then completely fades away.

Your life is sorted into periods of whatever trauma was going on at the moment, but you can’t recall what else took place. What you learned, what experiences you had, the normal things you did that later feel bizzare for a person in your situation to do, to be able to do. Or you don’t remember the trauma, and it’s difficult to put things into any kind of context.

And for your childhood, it’s impossible to make a timeline out of it. Events mesh together, there’s no before or after, to link an event to a year is almost impossible, for any event you can’t tell if you were 5 or 8 or 14, you try and make sense based on what else was going on in your life, except you can’t quite remember what it was. You lived one life at home, a whole another life in school or public space, another one online, and they don’t seem to be connected at any point, and to link it all in a timeline feels impossible.

The memories that don’t hold strong emotions fade first, but eventually, the ones with strong emotions fade too.

Your short term memory becomes difficult as well, it feels like an incredible strain to remember anything you did 2 weeks ago, or 2 days ago, or yesterday. If you’re reminded of something that went on a year ago, it’s a shock because you no longer remember it as something that happened at all. Your brain erases anything that ended as something that never happened, or isn’t worth recalling, or would only stress you out to think about, so you don’t, and it goes away.

Having a memory surge back is stressful, because you realize you never thought about this event, or this person, for years, and this meant something to you, it formed you and shaped your life, it made you feel something. But it was gone for so long, and probably, the second you forget it, it will be gone again. It’s hard to see who you are when you no longer know who you were. You don’t know how anyone perceives you because you don’t recall your experience together.

[furiousgoldfish]

I MISSED MY CHANCE GODDAMIT

[missingvibrance]

something about being traumatized and mentally ill for years on end without any help is that it alters your brain and messes with how it processes memories and data. this becomes really inconvenient especially during fights or stressful events because your brain will be aware that something happened but it won't be able to pinpoint what exactly happened down to specific details or what was exactly said. this sucks because it makes you more vulnerable to manipulation and being gaslit. you're easily convinced that you're in the wrong and that you're a bad person simply because of the unreliability your memories provide. i want you to know that you aren't a bad person and i'm so sorry there are people out there who have taken advantage of your incapability to have a reliable memory.

[as-i-decay]

I lie so often that people only don’t believe me when it’s the truth

[xostargirlox]