Àse Ondaeri

[aseondaeri]

The Push

I could feel it coming.

It was not gentle. Not graceful.

But it was beautiful and filled with wonder.

I was at the edge of a generation-long precipice of confusion and fear. It was a free-fall and I witnessed myself crash past all of the memories that once haunted me. It was not all bad but it was more harm done in the end. I used to hold onto the past to find comfort through the failed friendships, self-doubt, perfectionism, and lost love. I told myself that it was all for a reason. Even though I told myself that, I still grew resentful. I shoved it deep down inside of myself. Told myself that it was not my nature and not justified to express anger. At the end of the fall it found me.

Raw and untamed. My wrath—yes, it was all mine. It was all mine to own. Raging like the waves crashing against the shore, swayed by the pull of the moon. It tore through my skin and bones. Somehow hot and cold. Tears like fire and a burning throat. I thought, this is what death must feel like. I was dying inside.

I was wrong.

This was a rebirth.

“A visual of the ‘Stages of Change’ of the mental.”

Had I not been pushed, not fallen, not found the bottom of this abyss then I would have truly found death. This was my awakening. There was not purpose behind the hurt and pain but there was purpose behind my actions. Would I let myself wither away and become a speck of a person or would I become light and lead myself out of the darkness? I chose the latter and here I am.

My ancestors advised me to let go and that I would be blessed with what was always mine to claim: pride, success, adoration, and whatever else I desired.

I remember sitting alone and crying towards the sky. I begged them to guide me. I was lost. I had not heard their voices before. Yet I knew they were out there. Then it happened—I had my answer.

At first, I denied it. It is only natural to fear the truth when it contradicts every fiber of your existence. Denial did not stop the truth of the matter. I had to release myself from the binds of my past life. I had to get ready for…

the push.

[aseondaeri]

Is it loneliness that pushes us?

I am ready to share.

This entire year has been a compilation of stakes against fortitude. I found myself frequently sitting in a slow, lethargic state of wonder. Life had not been the kindest to me, mentally and emotionally. I was relentlessly grasping for comfort and stability at every turn. Most years exposed a new hardship; another challenge. There were many moments when I asked the stars if I could join them sooner than was fated, and even then I was rejected. It was not time for me to return to dust. The rivers could not sweep me under and over the edges of their rocky beds just yet.

At first it was something of a whisper. The feeling originated deep in my chest.

The desire—

More related to a yearning for closeness slowly crept up on me. It soon amplified into a vibration that overwhelmed my body and spirit. This yearning was no longer a force that could be ignored. No amount of soothing walks on wooded paths or sitting by rippling streams could silence the ever-present cry that ached to be heard, felt, and seen. It reminded me of how many parts of my identity came to me. Typically, they were birthed silently and then evolved into a creature that clawed its way towards the front of my mind. I knew this feeling to be one to avoid.

It brought the troubles of vulnerability that I had not been given the privilege to explore. In time I would realize that I had constructed this illusion that I could not afford vulnerability. My eyes would open to the reality that I had not felt safe exposing my softness to others. I had been warned against it. The voices of my kin rang in my ears

“That is nobody’s business.” I followed the message.

Each memory etched a void in my vitality. Wherever the soul lies, it holds every fiber of whoever we are and in the most unprovoked fashion, it relieves what we always wanted. What we always needed. For myself, I needed to no longer submit to this internal loneliness.

Navigation is not synonymous with acknowledgment. We tend to think they function similarly but they do not. To navigate only meant I was managing the feelings of detachment. But to acknowledge that my existence was not inherently damned to a life of self-ostracization meant owning that it was of my own volition. I had to be active in choosing if I would continue to allow myself to feel this pain. The pain of hiding from the people I love.

Acknowledgment: I pushed others away. I created a narrative that no one could understand me. I self-isolated. I deprived myself of intimacy and found solace in my actions to validate my loneliness. I held back the confused, chaotic, and intrinsically human parts of myself.

Spiritually, I was transforming into a person that could experience self-love, clear communication, and the confidence to believe in myself. I was someone paving a path forward. I could only attribute this growth to my community.

At the time I had not known much about ancestral veneration nor did I have a strong spiritual connection to those that came before my time. I had always considered myself a ‘spiritual person’, still my path is not fully clear.

A dear friend showed me the way. It felt as if I was led to them. One hand touch, turned to two, then many more followed. It continued to accumulate to a point where every hand felt like an extension of myself. I was touched by such warmth and comfort that I could finally feel safe to press forward towards the unknown without worry that I would return to my days of seclusion. No longer was I alone. The connections that I began fostering grew in directions that once could not be fathomed.

No longer would I sit waiting for someone to hear my heart aching and begging for a compassionate soul to reach out to me.

I now have the power to reach my soul out to others and feel the humility and humbleness of human nature.

Where is the push? Damn, let me get there.

-Day Ondaeri