[girlballs]

god it would be awesome if the human brain could just ignore an upsetting thing instead of constantly wandering back to it for no fucking reason

[ewergfjndfbj-deactivated2026040]

the woke guro fan has some moral qualms with the depiction of race in this femboy humiliation beheading and dismemberment pixiv art

[kosmogrl]

[thankyoumoon]

I can never seem to explain why these feel like different things to me even though they look the same on the outside

[ashecoded]

hell if im remembering things hell if im not remembering things whatever dude!!!!!!

[ashecoded]

they need to make a version of this bullshit without apocalyptic mood swings.

[pillowspace]

Sometimes my brain does what I call a split second mental “refresh” which leads to me abruptly getting disoriented and going “ah! I just had a refresh.” It is unclear what to make of this because I made the term up

[pillowspace]

It’s so normal probably maybe potentially

[hard--byte]

the hottest thing a guy can be is barely conscious on the floor while someone lifts his head up by the hair so that you can see his glazed out eyes and the blood running down his face

[leathersys]

emotional amnesia

[ashecoded]

the thing is it's a really specific kind of violating (strong word! but its what it feels like!) to hear other ppl talking abt/writing muse because. i made the classic mistake of putting too much personal stuff onto muse as a character! it's nauseating to hear someone talking about how muse being forcibly feminized and tortured and dehumanized is actually Problematic and Bad To Do and something that should be scraped away from the character when like. that is all stuff that happened to me, lol.! or like. you understand. no i didnt get scarified or whatever but the years of being taken from everything i loved and having my entire identity ripped away from me as my abusers tried to force me into the shape they wanted of a perfect beautiful feminine lady and doll did happen! i was just thinking this morning of the bone deep feeling of crawling shame and self hatred that filled me for years and years every time i had to wear long skirts in public. which was every time i left the house. the sense of awful disconnect with who you are the knowledge that people are trying to make you into something that would be very nice to look at but makes you want to kill yourself regardless.! i have been dressed up like a doll for years. its almost like being forcibly gendered is horrifying and scary and bad and torture sometimes. it's almost like there are indelible undertones of sexual peril to being someone percieved as feminine in a conservative cult even if that isn't the fucking point and even if we haven't been clear forever that that never textually happens and nobody wants it to. which like. the one saying this as someone whos transmasculine Should understand and especially should understand because that is a person who i knew very well for a long time and Knew About All That. i don't know. i don't know. everybody has free will copyright shouldnt exist but it just makes me want to fucking die to hear people talk about something that is so so closely intrinsically related to and a mirror of Me, Myself, in so many ways. i hate that i'm disgusted by the idea of ever talking about muse again. i love when things i love and that are integral to myself are taken from me and made to feel disgusting and awful haha its not like thats ever fucking happened before because im actually just a huge pervert who hates trans women (because every trans woman obviously loves forcefem and its an ideological battle marker to go hey i was forcibly feminized as a transgender child and it was one of the worst things to ever happen to me) and hates everyone and loves thinking about . i dont know. csa clown sex. whatever the fuck.

[ontologicallyevilseme]

getting an evil spirit put inside you without your knowledge or consent is basically a classic childhood experience

[ontologicallyevilseme]

you'll never believe this

[unification]

*torturing you* dude trust me, something really cool happens. you just have to reflect on it for a bit. i'm doing this because i want you to reach your full potential okay?

[ashecoded]

good news: my beaune altarpiece paper is salvageable with a bunch of work maybe this marlow guy had some good ideas and ways to write things. bad news: need to fucking kill myself?

[ashecoded]

whatever. i need to move out i need to be back on the east coast again it feels foolish and stupid to pin my hopes on "maybe ill make friends in grad school" and it feels even foolisher and stupider to pin my hopes on "maybe being on the east coast will make it easier to hang out with my friend who i like hanging out with :]" which is of course objectively the stupid and horrible ghoul in my brain named uhhhhhhh so people werent very nice to you when you were younger were they. but dear fucking god if being near actual grocery stores and trees and mountains and having my own space again wouldnt help.

[ashecoded]

its soooo deeply pathetic that i will be entering my fifth year of university & i still have like. zero friends. its insane that ive been subsisting off memories of people who were so dear to me years ago but who at this point i have spent longer not talking to them than i ever spent with them. like i have genuinely nothing to show for four years of high school and six years of university. there's nothing. i have maybe a few numbers in my phone. and like objectively in my mind i do know that this is not my fault, & is a byproduct of being inescapably in evil tradcath world, through forces outside my control & four+ years of soulcrushing loneliness is worth zero student debt. but it sucks!!!!!!! it sucks less now because i suppose i've sort of resigned myself to it and gotten used to it or whatever and it's difficult to remember that things dont have to be like this. which is like, deeply sad yeah but at least i'm not losing my mind over the fact that its been like five years since ive been hugged by someone outside my immediate family anymore. and of course theres people im on good terms with and casual friends but it still bites that most people in my year graduated this spring including the people i would consider myself closest to and my strongest reaction is "damn, gonna be weird not seeing them around ig". like i love when so many people around me are getting married or forging lifelong friendships or whatever and i am just sitting here. my brother drove across the country to his best friends baby shower last week. they met in college and have been so close ever since and just like i still sometimes feel grief over the 1 million things my younger self never had and now never will it like. sucks that i'll never get that now! its too late! and i know i could have had it i know i could have been good at it for all my insane and stupid shit i am somehow good at fooling people into liking me when i really try. i know i could have had something good and now it is forever too late for it! i love sort of drifting through life entirely tetherless and not for lack of trying dear fucking god. it is so deeply hard not to feel bitter about it on occasion.

[chimerid]

things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID

a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.

this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.

feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"

feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me

feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment

experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way

"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"

feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me

remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life

feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself

remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did

feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place

being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people

being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with

knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say

"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?

feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying

reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it

being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things

having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult

"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context

feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones

"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."

"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"

"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"

no name ever feels right longterm

creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else

lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world

"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"

"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"

feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things

feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about

feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality

feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers

all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them

[thingsfromthedirt]