Second Best

I am not Tucker Van Wilder. I'm Asher Ebbs, model and stylist for It Boy. I'd prefer you talk to me before you pass judgement. Class A fuck up, which gets reaffirmed for me with every turn. I'm pretty much the pet of the agency. 18 and gay.

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

You were always honest. Thank you for that. I just…I wish I could have been what you needed Asher - what you wanted. -wipes his own tears away a bit roughly and sighs deeply- I know you’d destroy them…but I don’t think Alexander would hurt me…but Asher…don’t be a stranger. I’ll call as well, but…for us to have been through as much as we have together and to just drop everything…It’d kill me. And if Amir ever hurts you…God I almost murdered the new reporter alone for the things he said! So just know that I could never hate you…and I will always protect you. Love you. Even if you don’t want it. And I know I can’t…but you’ll always have a piece of me.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Alexander. You tell him from me that he if he's not good to you that I will fuck up his entire life. Okay? I will fuck him up. I never wanted to- *sighs* They're signaling me. I have to go. But Benji, I never wanted things to be over and done with with you. I kept trying to let you move on though and I kept failing. Really failing and I felt like I needed to step back until you thought you were ready to come to me and I just... wish I hadn't. I just wish I'd been there. I should have been there for you. Anton's doing something or other to try and get me out now. I don't know. After everything, I don't even give a shit about that guy anymore. *sighs, leaning on the wall.* I know, Benji. I know you will. And you're always going to have a part of me. You always have. Since forever. I had one piece off before when all that stuff happened with Tobey and it went to you, not him. It was the broken piece that did fit for us. I have to go, Benji. Officer Hendricks is gonna cut me off...

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

-listens as well, wanting to protest in certain areas but listens- …There is one thing I’ve always been a bit…well I guess upset is the best word… why didn’t you wait until after Japan? …Asher I.. -gulps, letting a tear roll down his cheek- We went through so much, I thought maybe…just maybe…you could love me. After we broke up…do you know how hard it was for me? I got with Silvanus. With others. And you know something? Every time I was with them, having sex or otherwise, you cme into my mind. Your hair, your smile. Everything about you. I’ve been a complete wreck in all honesty. Mexico. I was drunk because I wanted to forget. Forget that I loved you, still do, and probably will. You’ll always be in my heart. You didn’t fuck it up. I did. The moment I said “I love you” before you were ready. But you’re right. Our broken pieces don’t fit. And I’m glad you have Amir…I am.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Because I'm a jackass. Because I was scared and I... I don't know, I panicked and I felt so incredibly guilty about everything because I wasn't supposed to want anything from Cam. I didn't wait until after Japan because it felt like I was lying to you and I've never been anything less than fully honest with you and I just... I couldn't handle that. I can't handle it still. Japan broke me into little pieces and I broke all over you and I'm so sorry for that, Benji. You deserve so much better than a break up like that. *rubs at his cheeks and eyes* I know you have been. It's why I've been trying to stay away. I had been, at least. I thought maybe if I- I don't know, maybe if I didn't push you, you'd be able to. *voice shakes, trying to not sound like he's crying and probably failing miserably* Benjamin, I swear to god, I hurt you so, so much, but you were literally the first person who ever treated me like you did and if anyone ever, and I mean ever does a fucking thing to hurt you, I will find a way to destroy them. Do you understand that? You took care of me for so long, I will destroy every inch of someone who hurts you, okay? I did plenty of it and I- I'm done letting that happen to my friend. Understand? I swear to fucking god.

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

I hope so. Put ice on it if you can. Should help somewhat. Yea it is a good plan. You always knew how to make a situation better… You will get out. You’re innocent. Yea, I was told what happened….I’m so sorry Asher. -gulps listening to him, just wanting to comfort him- Asher…stop…you weren’t…I was wrong from the beginning and you know that. You don’t believe in love. But that doesn’t matter now, you’re going through a lot, so no matter how I feel should not matter right now. No matter how hard that I’m trying…desperately to move on from you. Fuck Asher! I still love you! But I… -thinks of Alexander, then stops- You’re fine Asher. You always were. For now, just concentrate on believing that you will get out. Because it will happen. You are innocent.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

I don't have access to ice here, actually... *sighs and listens silently, then slams his hurt hand into the wall and hisses in a bit of pain* You've always said it doesn't matter, how you feel doesn't matter and it does, Benji. It matters a lot. It matters to me and it always did, I'm just too much of a tool to take care of you properly. I do, believe in love that is. You taught me how to. You did that for me and I'm just the jackass who fucked it all up for you. You have to find someone who won't jerk you around because they're still a stupid, stupid kid. You have to move forward because I can't give you what you need and I never could. I've always told you that. You were one of the only three people I ever slept with that meant anything to me, really meant something. Did you know that? You're amazing, Benji. You always were. But I can't be amazing for you. Our broken pieces don't fit. 

[asher-ebbs-blog]

A Prisoner's Goodbye

Dear It Boy, 

I'll never regret coming to It Boy, I'll never regret the stuff that happened there. I met people I loved and I got hurt and I had family and I found out that blood being thicker is a crock of bullshit. I'm getting officer Hendricks to email this to Nat and she can mass email it. I have things to say and I can't say them individually. 

There are some of you I wish I had never met, but I know that I needed to meet you. I understand this point of my life had to come because I need to learn and grow and understand some things. Jail has taught me a few things like that everyday conversations are the things that you need and ten minute phone calls can be your whole life. It taught me the value of pride and making a stand for yourself, but really, It Boy taught me that too. 

I'll miss everyone I met, all the friends I made. God, I'll miss you fuckers so much. I don't know what I'll do outside of modeling, but there is only one person I'll step in front of a lens for professionally ever, ever again. I'm not leaving the city, it's the only place I've ever felt at home, but there's actually a lot of memories I can't handle anymore. Not there. I can't do it. 

This pencil is almost out of lead now and Officer Hendricks wants to type this and go home, so I'm done here. I love you guys. It took me months to learn to say it, but I do. I love It Boy and the time I had there. I love the people I met. I love the things I learned. I love the family I met and made. 

I love Tucker, even though he's a cunt. 

Good bye It Boy. 

Asher Ebbs

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

-nods while listening to him and runs his fingers though his own hair softly- Well I’m glad you defended yourself but sorry about your wrist. If you can, have someone check it out. Maybe someone can help. Yea…sorry again. I didn’t know when it would be a good time to call…if there was. -holds the phone a bit closer- Then don’t doubt it. You will get out. Amir… will get you out. -gulps, looking down for a moment and sighing deeply- I..I miss you too Asher…-chuckles softly trying not to let Asher hear the emotions caught in his throat- As crazy as that sounds.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

I did. It's fine, just jammed. It'll be fine again in a day or so. Apparently, you can call whenever and they'll come get me. Making friends with the guards is a good plan, I guess... I... It's just hard. It's a lot easier to resign myself because if I get out, I'll be excited but at least I don't have that false hope if I don't... You know right? You know it wasn't me. You know that. *laughs, unamused* It does sound crazy. *wipes at his eyes, finally crying after all the crap that's happened today* I'm sorry, Benji. I'm so sorry for everything I did. I'm so, so sorry. Can you just... Can we just pretend I wasn't a dick all the time? I'm so sorry I hurt you. I've never felt worse about anything in my life. You were so good to me and I did nothing but hurt you all the time... 

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

-blinks- How did you jam your wrist?? …You’re still my friend Asher. Of course I’d call. Don’t worry about it, I didn’t think you could for a reason like that or another. But you’ll be out of there soon. Just wait and see.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Oh, I- *pauses, thinking better of what he's already started and sighs* Uhm, someone reached for me so I punched him and I messed my wrist up pretty bad because they have a really hard head. I'm fine, really. Yeah, I can't really make very many calls. Just one or two and not in a day. *sighs, chewing his lips* That's what everyone says. I'm fine right now, though. And Amir is working on things. It's- I'm- *goes silent for a moment* I miss you, Benji. 

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

-blinks at all the scrambling noises for a moment- I guess. Sorry I didn’t call earlier….you’re not hurt though, are you? I’m…good. Just worried. 

[asher-ebbs-blog]

No, no. I'm not hurt. I think I jammed my wrist today, but I'm okay. It's fine, you didn't need to. I mean, I would have if I could, but I'm trying not to be pushy. I need the officers to like me here.

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

Okay, okay, I’ll let you go…I know Amir will come through for you, Ash, I know it. I love you lots, okay? -voice breaking a little-

[asher-ebbs-blog]

He's not going to stop until he does. *gives an unamused laugh and his voice cracks as he says,* I love you too, Mikey. I owe you a hug when this is all done, yeah? Or if you ever come see me here. Yeah? And thanks for being such a good friend...

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

[benjamin-itboy]

-smiles softly, rubbing neck- ..Try again. Hi Asher. It’s Benjamin…-bites lip- You…you ok?

[asher-ebbs-blog]

*drops the phone and scrambles to pick it back up* Benji! Christ almighty, today is the day of phone calls, huh? Sorry, Amir is the only one who called me until today, apparently. I'm- I'm alright-ish. You, though. Are you? 

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

I will, don’t worry. Alexander’s a good guy, he’s helped me out a lot. My head was a mess before he came along. -bites his lip as he listens to Asher, his heart going out to him- But you’re innocent, Ash. It’s not fair that you’re in here and don’t deserve it. -shakes his head though he knows Asher can’t see it- No, I’m not crying, shut up… -wipes his eyes-

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Yeah, well, he helped me some too. I just don't trust anyone with Benji's heart after I smashed it to pieces like three times. I'm not so good with the hearts thing. *sighs heavily* I know that. You know it, Amir knows it, everyone knows it except the people that matter and we apparently can't prove that I am, which is fucking stupid. But this happens to people. I'm not saying I want to be in here forever, and I'm not saying I want Amir to stop trying, cause I know he still is, but I don't want to start telling myself everything will be grand when I don't know that. *laughs softly* Time's almost out, man, They're signaling me. I've gotta go.

[benjamin-itboy]

Call @ Asher

-waits for phone to ring, gulping and sighing softly- …

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Are you fucking kidding me? How many calls am I allowed in a day? Amir? 

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

I’m not sure how long they’ve been friends. Alexander is my therapist so I don’t really know much about his personal life, but I guess that’ll change now since he’s helping set everything up for us. He’s our numbers and paperwork guy. -smiles a little- Benji will be fine, but I’ll watch his back. He kind of saved my life here, so I owe him. -rubs his eye with a knuckle- I just don’t want you to give up, Ash. I know hope is hard to come by, but…don’t give up. I’d hug the shit outta you if I could, man. -sniffles-

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Mm. Just... Yeah, just watch his back. Not for Alexander, or maybe for Alexander, I don't know. Just take care of him since I've done such a shit job of it. *sighs, banging his head on the wall, which he seems to do with every phone call.* I don't know how to not give up and not drive myself insane. You should see my fucking roommate. He's so convinced he's getting out. He talks about getting out. He burned down his neighbor's house, man. He's not getting out any time soon. It drives me crazy. I know you would, Mike. Dude, no. Stop. Don't- Are you crying? Stop- Stop crying if I can't hug you. Who's with you? Make Dom hug you for me right fucking now.

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

I don’t really know how long it’s been. I had Alexander look at my contracts to see if I could get out, and he mentioned that Benji was starting something up. It was just right place, right time. -sighs a little- Ash, you can’t think that way. Trust me, I know that giving up will just make it your own personal hell. You’re innocent, and the truth will come out. I’d never forget you, Asher, you’re a fucking ray of sunshine in my life. Damn it, I wish I could hug you right now.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

*clears his throat, rubbing at his eyes* I see. Alright. Take care of him, yeah? I'll find a way to destroy anyone who hurts him and I bet I can do it from here too. He's too sweet to be hurt all the time like I did to him. How long has he been close to Alexander? God, I'm such shit, I didn't even know they were friends. Mike, if I sit here and hope and believe I'm getting out, I'll tear myself apart. Resignation is sitting with me a lot better. Really. *laughs softly* Amir calls me that too. Christ. A hug would have been appreciated. Hell, I'd settle for a pat on the shoulder from someone who isn't a guard. 

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

It won’t ever happen again, I spent too long letting Lucas and Peter run my life. -chuckles lightly- Well, Dom’s allowed…Ash, I’m sorry. I should’ve come, this just all happened so quickly and Benji didn’t want to tell anyone until it was set up…I’ll still be in New York, I’ll come see you soon, okay? Dude, you’ll be out of here by then. I know it.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

It's fine. I didn't expect anyone to come here. I'm not really myself anyway. He- *clears his throat, rubbing at his eyes* How long has he been working on this and never told anyone... *can't stop his voice from cracking a few times and gives up hiding that* If I get out. Dom's gut instinct isn't going to get them to let me out and good behavior counts for nothing on a murder charge. You don't have to come see me, Mike. Just don't forget I'm here...

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

It’ll be nice to work for someone who doesn’t own me. -huffs a laugh- I’ll miss you too, Ash. I’m sorry I couldn’t come see you in person.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Never let anybody own you, Mike. Don't let that happen. Maybe let Dom own you, but  just for a night, yeah? ...It's- It's okay. Nobody has. I only just got calls from anyone but Amir. It's f- *voice cracks* It's fine. When you're a year sober, I'll send you something I carve out of soap in here or some shit, yeah? Let me know.

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

-shuffles a little though Asher can’t see it- Yeah, me and Dom are leaving the agency, joining up with Benji…

[asher-ebbs-blog]

Heard that too. I'm- That'll be better. I'm sure of that. It Boy is toxic. Benji's will be better. I'm- I'll miss you...

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

call @ Asher

[mikeymike-itboy-blog]

-chuckles a little- No, it’s Mike. No phone sex for you tonight.

[asher-ebbs-blog]

*sighs dramatically* Damn it all. I was so hoping to go back to my cell with a bone again. It always goes over so well... Heard your leaving...