Ash Baker

Ash Baker - Not Ashley, just Ash. Born to end in flames.

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

"There's a spider in the bathroom and you're on spider-killing duty today."

“Whaaaa-- But Scarrrrrrrr,” Ash wiggled about, fake temper tantrum ruffling the covers of their bed.  “I was just getting comfortable and everything,” she grumbled, pulling her girlfriend down to the bed and wrapping her arms and legs around her so they were essentially in a chokehold.  “What if I just stay like this, hm?  Protecting you via proxy?”  She stayed like that for a few seconds until she felt a bony elbow poke her pointedly in the stomach.  With a groan, she untagled her limbs from her girlfriends, kissing her lightly on the cheek before standing up and grabbing one of her boots.  

“You so owe me ice cream after this.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(James) “I heard about what happened.... I know we don’t talk much anymore but if you need someone, I’m here for you. Always.”

Ash looked up.  She was sitting alone.  She was always alone lately.  She didn’t know if it was truly her fault.  She seemed to have an ability to push people away, and she knew some people had genuinely reached their hands out to her in peace, but her twisted brain could only see it in the most negative of ways.  And so, here she was, alone.  With James shuffling awkwardly in front of her, look of concern stamped upon his face.  

Something in her despondent air must have concerned him.  She watched as he hesitantly went to sit beside her.  It was so typical really, at the end of the day it would be James sitting beside her, thinking of some way to comfort her, even after she had abandoned him in such a heartless way so many months earlier.  Tears began to fill her eyes, always only a few seconds away recently, and when his solid form moved into the space beside her, she nodded.  

“Thanks,” she said, tears spilling out from her eyes.  Not entirely sure whether she had initiated it or him, she found herself enveloped into a warm hug, and whatever stopper she had put upon her emotions seemed to break down.  Putting her face against his shoulder, she let the sobs take her.

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

"Are you really going to stand there and act like absolutely none of this is on you? I'm not the big bad fucking villain here, Ash. I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, but you're acting like you don't even want that anymore."

“Seriously, Scar!?” Ash asked, her heart feeling as if it was just constantly getting stomped on.  She knew that Weston was giving them the space to talk, hiding in his room so as not to bother them, and she wanted to stay as quiet as she could, but the more she saw Scar’s face, the more upset she felt.  “That’s what you want to say right now?  You want me to apologize?  Admit I’m completely at fault?”  

Bitter tears started pouring from her eyes and Ash shook her head, hurt pounding through her.  “You know what, fine.  Yeah.  I’m fucking sorry, Scar.  I’m sorry that when your cousin came up to me and told me to go find my ex-boyfriend, I punched her in the face.  I’m sorry I got mad and blamed you for it, because you two always come in a pack and it fucking hurt to hear her dragging me like that.  What else do you want?  I’m sorry that I can’t just turn off my sex drive but even despite that I wanted us to try, and wanted to work through it.  I fucking love you, Scar.  But you didn’t even come see me in the hospital!  Tatum pounded my face in and you couldn’t even be bothered to come VISIT, Scar?  You think I’m overreacting and playing the victim!?  Fine!  But don’t expect me to believe you when you say that you want this relationship.  It doesn’t work that way.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

"You know, it was actually fun hanging out with you so I hope we're still friends after I fuck up your face."

Ash looked up, seeing the girl walking towards her.  She had known this was going to happen.  She had expected it within seconds of her fist making contact with Zelda’s face, though a small part of her had held out hope that Tatum might have enough affection to hold out.  Still, as the girl spoke to her, a small, hopeless laugh escaped Ash.  “I think you might be the only one who still wants to be friends with me.”

Snorting, her casual facade hiding a well of bitterness, she turned to face the girl fully.  “Do what you will with me.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Grace) "So. Vera... as you know... is concerned about you and -- recent... events. Which is why you're here, with me, today. Do you... want to talk?"

Ash looked at the woman in front of her.  Her face was kind, a neutral mask of warmth with no cracks anywhere on it.  If Ash wasn’t so pessimistic, she might even think it was sincere.  But this was Ash, and all she could see in Grace’s kind face was the fact that all of the people she was close to had abandoned her, leaving only a shrink left to psycho-babble her.  A shrink, the one type of person that Ash was more terrified of than pretty much anyone.  And even though she had contacted the woman before in hopes of fixing her and Scarlett’s relationship, the old fear and trauma from her time at the hospital was bitterly burning down her throat.  

Shaking her head silently, she brought her knees up to her chest, cradling herself in her own embrace, silent tears pouring down from her eyes as she watched the clock slowly ticking on.

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Vera) "You know that I can't get involved in this, Ash."

“I didn’t ask you to get involved,” Ash said painfully.  The words barely managed to make their way from her throat.  She was lying in a hospital bed, her face puffy and bloody and bruises all over her.  Tatum had done a number on her, but that hurt far less than Vera’s presence in front of her now.  

“I just... wanted you to be there for me, to ask if I was ok and be the mum you always claim you want to be,” she whispered hoarsely.  Tears began streaming down her face, painfully burning as the salt touched the cuts along her face.  Ash didn’t even want to talk about Scarlett anymore.  She felt so raw and abused internally, she just wanted some warmth.  But here Vera was sitting, hands neatly folded upon her lap, eyes studiously trained away from Ash’s gaping face, a neutral air of indifference displayed across her features.  

Nodding slightly, as far as she could before the pain along her neck stabbed through her, she forced herself to turn away from the woman beside her.  “It’s fine,” she whispered, blinking as more tears began spilling from her eyes.  “Please just go.  I think I’m going to try and sleep.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Weston) "I got the pullout bed for you all sorted. Uh, night."

Everything hurt, to be honest.  Tatum had left precious little of her face unbruised, and Ash couldn’t even fault the girl for it.  But after two weeks of feeling attacked, both physically and emotionally, and not even having her girlfriend look for her once, despite the overwhelming evidence that Zelda had actually instigated their fight, Ash had been done.  Done with every single person in Morgana Academy.  Done with Tatum, done with Zelda, done with Vera, and more done than she could even describe with her negligent ex.  She couldn’t even call her girlfriend anymore.  Ash felt so abandoned, she was half convinced the past years at Morgana had just been an elaborate dream, the only proof she had left was a gaping hole that seemed to hurt even more than when she’d first arrived.  At least when she first came to MA she hadn’t expected anything of anyone.  It was better than this feeling, the complete betrayal of all trust she had.  

So she had packed her bag.  Grabbed the few things she deemed precious, leaving behind all the clothes she had ever shared with Scar, and even all the pictures of Christmas with Vera.  Taking only clothes that purposely lacked memories of those she loved were ok.  After wandering about for two days, broke and homeless, she found herself at Weston’s door, hating herself for her own betrayal with solitude.  She couldn’t even be by herself anymore, that’s how weak she had gotten.  

Weston, the boy who had spent a year refusing to talk to her and pushing her away, had taken one look at her broken and bloody face and opened the door wordlessly.  Which is how she found herself now, lying on the bed facing the wall away from her old little brother, choking on the silent sobs pouring from her. 

“Thanks.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Dagny) "...Uhm... Ash can sit with Dagny?"

Ash had been getting hate messages on her phone for the past week.  It started out with bystanders who’d seen the incident calling her out for being out of line and a bitch.  And then, somehow even worse, it had to proceeded to horny guys telling her she was fit when she was angry.  Saying they wanted to bone her while she was screaming - and other perverse shit that honestly made her want to be sick.  It had gotten to the point that Ash genuinely felt like she was losing the plot.  None of her friends were talking to her, Vera had maintained a neutral silence that slapped the lonely girl as nothing but cold, and even Ben seemed to have gone off and disappeared.  She felt like Lana, that’s how hated she was.  

It was a beautiful day out, so hoping for some peace and quiet she had decided to go outside, a sandwich in hand.  But unfortunately, it seemed like everyone had shared the same idea.  After ten feet of walking, she suddenly saw Zelda and Scarlett and Tatum, all giving her a look like she was total scum.  Self-righteous tears of anger began burning at the corners of her eyes, and just as she turned, she heard the woman behind her.  Looking about, Dagny was sitting on the ground beside Dom, obviously just having finished playing frisbee.  Even the boy, who she’d slept with numerous times before he’d gotten with Marissa, was studiously ignoring her, looking at the frisbee as if it was so special he couldn’t decide between fucking it or eating it.  Biting her lip, Ash nodded curtly, sitting beside Dagny, far away from Dom and angled in a way so she wouldn’t have to watch the mean girls of the Academy and her fucking girlfriend treating her like Public Enemy #1.  

Taking out her sandwich and biting into it aggressively, Ash chewed with a studied air of nonchalance about her, though as every bite progressed her vision grew blurrier with unshed tears.

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

[MSG:] do u know how to change a diaper? weston keeps crying and i don't even know where the talcum powder is. i swear vera re-arranges every time i leave

[MSG]: Did you look in her bathroom?

[MSG]: Under the sink where she keeps all those other chemicals she claims are cleaning supplies?

[MSG]: Also why did she ask you to babysit instead of me?  We all know I’m better with kids.  

[MSG]: Didn’t you forget you were babysitting him last time and apparate out to get a pizza?

[MSG]: I’m coming over. This will not stand.  Also don’t use Baking Soda instead of Baby powder if you can’t find it.  I learned my lesson last time. 

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

[TXT]: hey u ever slept with that guy in dorm 117?? im blanking on his name right now but hes tall w/ really nice shoulders you probably know him... it was like deep throating a mini van

[TXT]: Is he the one with the weird bend to it?  Or the one with the mole that’s got that one hair sticking out of it?

[TXT]: OMG WAIT I KNOW WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

[TXT]: THE SAVAGE STALLION

[TXT]: WITH SONIC SCREAM

[TXT]: I COULDN’T TALK FOR TWO WEEKS AFTER GIVING HIM A BJ.  HE GAVE ME BRONCHITIS HE REACHED PLACES I DIDNT KNOW WERE REACHABLE

[TXT]: IT WAS ACTUALLY HARD WALKING AFTER

[TXT]: Honestly why has it taken us so long to compare our fuck lists?  It’s like I’ve found a long lost sister.

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

"Do you have a fucking problem with me, Ash? What the hell did I do?"

Ash turned around, eyes blazing at the sight of the blonde girl in front of her. 

“Do I have - DO I HAVE A PROBLEM, ZELDA?  Are you SERIOUSLY fucking asking me that right now!?”  she spat out at the girl.  She could barely keep her heart from pounding out of her chest she was so angry.  

“You tell Scarlett I tried to fuck you when I was only drunk and sad.  Cos apparently we were never friends... you know.  Our friendship was just made up in my head, I guess.  Then you insinuate that I don’t even fucking care enough about her to keep my dick in my pants.  You fucking go round monitoring me and reporting back everything I fucking do to Scarlett like some stupid spy because Scar is too much of a coward to fucking talk to me on her own - and now -” Ash shook her head, nearly blinded with rage as the girl’s words repeated in her head.  “Either man the fuck up or go back with Felix” she had said.  Like she could even if she’d been able to, since the boy had disappeared without even a goodbye, leaving a gaping hole in Ash’s heart that Scarlett was only beginning to fill.  Blinking back tears, she strode over to where Zelda was standing and without a second thought, brought her hand back and with a scream of rage she punched the girl with as much force as she could.  A loud *crack* echoed through the hallway they were standing in, and Ash’s hand felt as if pain was radiating through it, but she couldn’t care.

Bending down so she could look the bleeding girl in the eye, she spoke, white hot anger in every single word.  “Who the FUCK are you to say his name in front of me!?  I’ve never once cheated on anybody so before you get up on your high horse look at yourself for once.  I don’t have Felix’s picture on my bloody phone unlike you with some dirty whore of a teacher so why don’t you just PISS OFF.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

"Is that my shirt?"

“Huh?” Ash looked down at herself.  She was wearing an massive t-shirt and pants... or underwear as the Americans termed it, and... yes it bore the faint outline of some ironic statement across the front.  

“Oh,” Ash said, before looking back up at Ben, a mischievous grin growing across her face.  Bringing her arms up she jutted her hip out in an over-exaggerated fake model pose.  

“I claimed it for the sake of sexiness.  It’s not your colour, so... yeh.”  Walking closer to the boy, she stood up on her tiptoes and whispered into his ear.

“Suck it.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Marissa) [MSG:] so i got this new black skirt and i need help bc i have no idea how to incorporate black into my overwhelmingly pastel wardrobe. i need either you or scarlett asap. but not together bc thats dangerous.

[MSG] OMG YOU WHAT!?

[MSG] BABY’S FIRST BLACK!!!!!

[MSG] I am so proud of you, I’m coming with a cupcake and a camera, give me 10 minutes.

[MSG] I think I’m legit crying right now.

[vxera-blog]

Vera only visited the academy’s gym when it was late at night. No one else was around then, and she could exercise in solitude, without the worry of all the sweat and unnecessary noises from other people. It was also her first time exercising since she had lost her daughter those seven months ago, and to say that it was hard to do half as much as what she used to do would be an understatement. But Vera was nothing if not resolute, and powered through a routine she could not stand to leave incomplete. It was after she had finished that she caught sight of her scar in a gymnasium mirror, and her steps faltered. Vera hated how ghastly it looked; and what it was a reminder of. Yet she had read somewhere that to face what scared one the most would help to overcome the fear, or to accept that it had happened. That it was in the past. It was over. A wound; nothing more. A tired breath left her as she looked down at it, hand coming to hover over its ridges. She wouldn’t have touched it if not for the sudden arrival of another. Her palm covered the scarred tissue just as she looked up into the mirror, to note the reflection of another standing in the gym’s threshold just behind her. “It’s only me.” 

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

It had been a recent thing, Ash choosing to go to the gym.  She had never been much of an exercise person in the years before.  But the more she saw the people she loved getting hurt and disappearing, the more she found herself making the solitary trip through the spacious halls of the academy to the gym at night.  It wasn’t a place she was fond of.  The smell of rubber trainers never seemed to evaporate entirely from the cavernous room, and at night it was easy to imagine any variety of dark things lurking in the shadows as she tried to train her body.  But she had to do it, she had to become stronger.  Neither her power nor her body leant itself to strength, so what she lacked she needed to obtain, as best she could.

It was a surprise, however, when she got to the door of the gym only to notice the faint light glowing from underneath its cracks.  Her hand hesitated against its cool surface, but with a deep breath she gathered her resolve and pushed her way into the room.  The sight that greeted her was even more of a surprise.  A sweaty Vera faced her, shirt up, hand resting protectively over the spot Ash knew was scarred heavily.  Her eyes traced down to the hand, before going back up to her adopted mother’s face.  A small, understanding smile grew over her face and she nodded as she walked towards the small woman.  “Hi,” she said softly, and upon reaching her, she rested her chin against the woman’s sweaty shoulder, enveloping her in a back hug as she too looked into the mirror the two women faced.   She reached her hand out slowly and placed a protective hand upon Vera’s wrist, making sure not to actually touch the spot she knew was still far too sensitive for Vera.  “My brother used to say that scars were just proof we were alive,” she said softly, a tiny, affectionate grin growing across her face.  “Which is something I’m quite grateful for.”  Eyes touching bright blue ones through the mirror, she continued on more soberly. “You ok?”

[fclixdoug-blog]

A warm, niggling feeling in the middle of his chest took root at her words, but the strangest thing happened: his smile grew smaller, like he should have believed her but couldn’t. Forever was very permanent, and permanency was, to him, imagined. Felix got his hopes up for nothing, but for a fleeting moment his heart leapt at Ash’s promise, like maybe he wanted to believe her. Blue eyes lowered to their intertwined fingers, and tenderly he turned her hand in his so that he could trace the vein in its top, stark against her pale skin. When she settled her cheek against his shoulder, he looked at her, and wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t stay with him forever; she would get bored eventually, or tired, maybe both, and find someone new, someone exciting, who wasn’t HIM. Although the thought of her no longer being in his life made him sad, acceptance followed. Felix just wanted Ash to be happy. He didn’t respond. 

Felix just nodded. He didn’t know what memories those were that she was talking about, and he wouldn’t pry. He never wanted to talk about that which plagued his mind day in and day out; he doubted she wanted to either. They were here, together, to live in the present. That’s what they did: ignored the past, ignored the future, lived for the moment. Ash was a moment of respite, and he liked to think that maybe he was the same thing for her. His body grew startlingly cold when she moved, and it was so unexpected on his part that his eyes snapped to her face, forehead briefly creasing with several faint lines. Had he done something? He hadn’t even said anything. But no, she was just sitting up to drink, and he stupidly looked down at his lap again. “My what?” No one had ever asked him when his birthday was before, so it came as a surprise to him when he heard the words from Ash. Felix tried to think about it and drew a blank. It darkened his complexion, and almost stubbornly his shrugged. 

“…Don’t know. Was never given one.” Felix’s wording was off. He spoke of birthdays as things that were assigned, or gifted to, as if he thought not everyone had a birthday; he didn’t have one, so it only made sense that other people, somewhere, didn’t have birthdays too. “Or I forgot it. I donno.” A sudden laugh escaped him at the thought of her baking a cake, but it grew gentler when in crept the realisation that this cake would be made especially for him. He slowly brought a hand up into his hair, and stroked it a bit, like he was comforting himself. It only looked like he was sorting out the messy tufts. “You don’t ‘ave to do that. Ain’t like I even got a set date… do like cupcakes though…”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

Ash wasn’t sure if it was her chat with Felix, or if it was the vodka affecting her, but a warm haze was beginning to fill her up, starting from her stomach and slowly radiating out to the rest of her body.  She felt... happy.  Happy and safe, and entirely content with where she was.  Felix always made her feel so comfortable.   It was a feeling she was so unused to that every moment when she did feel it, she couldn’t help but find it ever more precious while the moment carried on.  It was the weirdest feeling of precious nostalgia, only rather than for a memory, it was directed towards the present.  That’s how precious every single moment with Felix was to her.  Her brow furrowed in confusion when she finally noticed the frown on his face through the fuzziness in her vision.  Her mind seemed to be lagging a step behind his words, but she struggled to keep up with what he was saying.  

“You don’t... know it?” she asked softly.  It was a hard concept to understand, especially with her addled brain.  Even with her awful memories, the idea that he didn’t even know when his birthday was seemed so wrong.  She’d felt it before when speaking with Felix, but as she looked at him, not even knowing what was wrong with the words he expressed, feeling no self pity or sense of victimhood when he had every right to be angry, the beating of her heart seemed to pound painfully against her chest.  It was like someone was clenching a fist around her heart, and even though she herself wasn’t hurting, she seemed to be hurting for the boy in front of her.  What they’d done to him wasn’t fair.  What had happened to both of them wasn’t right, but it was moments like these that she wished she could just whisk Felix off to some safe corner where no one could ever touch him again.  They’d be safe, just the two of them.  Without even realizing what she was doing, she brought her hands up to his face.  Cold hands touched his warm skin, forcing his eyes up to hers.  She looked in his piercing blue eyes for a long moment.  She wasn’t fully aware of what she was doing, and she had a niggling feeling she might regret whatever she was about to do when the the warm haze of vodka stopped making her heart beat fast in her ears.  But right now all she could do was stare into his eyes.  All she could do was hear his words repeating in her mind over and over.  Only the two of us.  

And with that thought in her mind, she brought her face up to his, closing the distance between them - kissing him to chase the pain away.

[tatumclark-blog]

“I would say I could imagine but I really don’t want to.” Tatum smirked, reaching take a swig from the bottle of whiskey before bothering to say anymore. “Well, when worse comes to worst, ‘least you always got masturbation.” Tatum wiggled her fingers with a laugh more so in an attempt to lift the heavy weight of the topic off of them, “Oh! You could always try Jerry Springer. Plus, if you’ve got a little Big Dick Rick spawn in your oven, you can hold out hope that he’s not the father.” She suggested, the smirk never seeming to fully fall from her face. “All I gotta say is, she is really lucky she’s pretty.” 

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

Ash raised her brows, needing no more encouragement to move on from the awkward dick memory.  Grabbing the whiskey from Tatum when the girl was finished drinking from the bottle.  Taking a swig, she choked at the girl’s next words, nearly spewing whiskey across the roof.  Laughing whilst simultaneously choking, she shook her head, blinking back the alcohol burn-induced tears.  “You have no idea,” she choked out, grinning whilst shaking her head.  “Between you and me, I’ve already ordered like three vibrators online.  I have a feeling their going to become a proper Christmas tradition if you get what I mean.”  Her smile only cracking further across her face at Tatum’s next comment, she shook her head, leaning back.  “God I think I’d kill myself if I had a mini Dick Rick in my oven.  Though to be honest, if there’s anything cooking down there... there’s about a dozen people it could belong to from before Scar.  Pray the pill does not desert me.”  Taking another sip of the whiskey, before finally putting the bottle to the ground, Ash shook her head.  “We’re both such fucked up people.  Maybe we should invest in a chastity belt for you so you can’t sneak back into Zelda’s tonight.”

[ashesburnmeup-blog]

(Weston) "I'll do it. We don't have time to debate. I'll manually shut down the bomb. You just -- get away from here as much and as fast as possible. Don't argue with me, Ash."

Ash looked up, eyes meeting the familiar blue ones of Weston.  No matter how many times he’d told her to disconnect his hulking form from that of the young version, all she could see when she looked into those tired eyes was the tiny baby hands of Weston clinging to her, the little baby boy who crawled into bed with her when Vera was too busy to watch him, and the boy she played with whenever they made spaghettio’s.  In other words... all she could see when she looked at this tall, bearded, exhausted man who had tried to push her away countless times now, was her little brother.  And she was NOT losing him, young version, old version... NO version.  She was NOT going to lose any more of her family.  Biting her lip, angry tears growing in her eyes, she stepped forward, bringing back her hand and swinging it forward so that it slapped across Weston’s face with a resounding force.  Her hand was throbbing, more in guilt than from pain, though she would not apologize for doing it.  

“I’m not even fucking dignifying that with an answer.  We go together or we don’t go at all.”   Turning and walking with a clipped pace in the direction of the bomb, she wiped a tear quickly from her face before continuing, not even looking at the boy she left behind her.  “I dunno when it’s going to get through that thick skull of yours, Westy, but we’re family.  Stop pretending otherwise.”