I’m Living The Post College Life I Dreaded: Jobless, Depressed & Defeated
The entire year of 2013 was of utter panic and the level of unknown, I’d be walking into in the year left of college at Eastern Michigan University. I was 22 years-old and afraid because this time of my life haven’t unfolded the way I’d imagined and hope it would. It was my first time being away from my very small town home and from the grasps of my over-protective parents. I got to be in full solitude for once and I savored it. I graduated college December 2014 with my journalism degree and excited for the newspaper internship that awaited me and the opportunity into a full-time career I thought would follow.
In January 2016, I turned 25. Before that, I was hiding out in the closet room of a Macy’s, overwhelmed by crabby customers during the holiday season for minimum wage. Months later I would be sick to my stomach at the site of garbage I and another girl had to clean inside an automotive plant for $11 by being directed by a boss who was both immature, and profane. And I bit my tongue for the sake of a job outside my field promised to me with better pay and benefits. That promise....vaporized.
At 26, I will be kicked off my dad’s health insurance, another pressure added to my psyche as I continue to type and retype, submit and follow-up with resumes, cover letters and applications. Dressing up for interviews, putting on a mask to charm when on the inside I want to cry and scream. I’m reminded daily that I’m jobless, by my conscious and my mother and it picks away at me. Being as introverted as I am, I spend time alone. My room is my solitude where I can escape everything and everyone. Sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I feel like a last thought in God’s mind. My dad questions my state of mind, reminding me not to get depressed and wanting to talk to me but I don’t let him. The continuous cycle of job hunting just to be shut out for nearly 2 years have exhausted and defeated me. Everyone prays for me (which I appreciate and feel selfish for because I have prayed but often let that slip through the cracks).
I got saved in July in the hopes of a new path in God to lead me away from this feeling but it’s still there. Just last Sunday, as I walked into church late, the pastor spoke of how we must seek validation in Jesus, not a man, woman or a job. I have felt that a job, the one I want, would make me feel better and to be honest, it will. It’s how I will get out of here for good and be on my own. I just want to be happy in my purpose, which is writing...journalism.
My bank accounts are shot and I have nearly $30,000 in student loan debt and my freelancing is not bringing in the coins I need to help.
My mom fusses at me to keep going. “Welcome to the real world,” she says until I want to pull my ears off and go deaf. I sleep a lot...every day. Sleeping in this point of my life has brought me much comfort and has taken me way from dealing with my thoughts and reality. Waking up in the same bedroom I’ve been in since I was 7. I’m up half of the night and I sleep into the afternoon. Sleep has become an escape and then every once in a while I feel a kick in my spirit to look for a job or write. I don’t even write as much or as often as I want to because I don’t know what to say and the scraps of paper just becomes a pile with the rest of my notes in my room. I always feel like I’m not doing enough.
I read an article on xoNecole by McKenzie Dawkins called “Unemployed With A Princeton Degree: I Learned Self Love In A Year of Uncertainty” (http://xonecole.com/unemployed-with-a-princeton-degree-how-i-learned-self-love-in-a-year-of-uncertainty/) and it was eerily like reading my experience from the eyes of another person.
She wrote: “Out of college for months and still unable to land a full-time job, the wide-eyed enthusiasm I’d experienced during graduation quickly wore off. I had a degree from Princeton University, the well-wishes of loved ones and the promises of “I know you’ll do great!” from friends and peers, but no job to show for it all. While I kept myself busy with several internships and hobbies like dance and beauty, feelings of inadequacy grew and festered into what felt like a hole inside of me. I withdrew from friends, worried that I’d be unable to maintain even casual conversations without bursting into tears. I also slept a lot. The more hours I spent sleeping, the more time I had free from the stress of not feeling good enough. Though I still had my internships and sent out countless resumes and applications, my fire had pretty much burnt out.”
I was so moved that I tweeted her and we exchanged our feelings tweet after tweet. I read my bible to get some peace and understanding. My aunt calls me with news of companies i the city that are hiring, people pray for me, have faith in me and my talent. “I see great things happening for you” or “You’re going to make it” and I always want to ask, “How do you know?” I’m always touched but astonished that people still see this in me but at least someone does.
I know God has something waiting for me on the other side and I try to clear out my thoughts to hear his voice. I’m still growing in my faith to take me out of depression, anxiety, and defeat. I know he sees me but I can’t take living in my childhood bedroom under the thumb of my family when I’m soon to be 26. I just want to be free
“You’ll be 30 in a few years!”
Thanks for that reminder.
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