AshwinMeird

She/Her, aroace, I write fanfic and have absolutely no idea what random things I'll post here because I live in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation, same username on AO3

[peachy-9498]

y’all think if we got enough signatures on a government petition we could get rachel reid to confirm luca’s jersey number??

cos like im not saying i need that information but like i NEED that information yk?

[ivviannaa]

it's #11 and i don't care what anyone says

[ashwinmeird]

As a #11 I happily accept him as one of us

[ashwinmeird]

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ashwinmeird]

Screw capitalism or consumerism or whoever is responsible for conditioning people to think that they have to spend enough money on someone on some otherwise innocuous day to prove that they care about them.

I feel guilty. All. The. Time.

Guilty because I’m not the best at getting other people gifts and I’m usually late. This really only is like 0.2% of my issue.

Guilty because I am lucky enough to have my standard needs met and I do not need or want more stuff for the sake of more stuff.

Guilty because I have always been “difficult to buy things for”. I’ve never been into whatever is popular that made other people easier to buy stuff for than me.

Guilty because I make the lives of other people around me harder since I can’t just spit out some random thing I’d like. I don’t want more things, I have the things I need and negative free time to add more things to my life.

Guilty because I see things every day that were gifted to me on obligatory holidays that I don’t use even though I didn’t want it in the first place. A shirt sitting at the back of a drawer, a book I’ve started three times and could never get into, etc.

Guilty because every gift-giving holiday and my birthday I feel sick because I hate faking emotions but faking gratitude comes easily with a lifetime of experience. I am grateful that they care, that they thought about me, but I’m not grateful they feel disappointed in themselves for not getting me something “good enough” while I do my best to say that whatever they got me is really cool or whatever and genuinely do my best after that to use/wear/other the gift but 90% of the time my first assumption that I would not like or use it is unfortunate correct.

Guilty because I’m somehow the bad guy for not liking something because the gift giver tried really hard and spent a lot of time looking/thinking about it. I won’t magically start liking something I have already tried to like even to ease the mind of whoever gave it to me, that’s not how likes and dislikes work.

Guilty because I’m starting to resent the concepts of gifts entirely, even actually voluntarily ones. “Oh, I got you something at the store,” will make me borderline flinch even if it’s literally just a chocolate bar.

Guilty because I know how privileged I am to be in this position, to have decent clothes on my back, food in my kitchen, and the devices I need and want to go about my life but so many don’t and I’m feelings things other than just grateful.

Guilty because I’m sick of this stupid cycle I’m stuck in every year.

Guilty because the only thing more insulting than not liking a gift you were given is giving it away.

Guilty because I do have a lot of interests but not ones that are rife with consumer goods for people to buy for me to prove that they care. I know they care and I wish they didn’t feel like they had to buy me things to show that or just because that’s how the world works.

This sounds extremely privileged and I’m well aware of that but I feel like I’m going insane because I’m the only person I know who feels like this.

Once I’m able to, I’m planning to put a full stop of presents involving me. Receiving or giving. I genuinely have no problem with continuing to give other people stuff when I just come across it and want to get it for them (usually saved for whatever the nearest date is because such is the society I’m stuck in) but that will very quickly lead to them giving gifts back and suddenly I’m trapped in obligation-gift city again.

It is absolutely absurd that I have to do this but the amount of stress I’ve gone through in my life from being on the receiving end of gifts is not healthy.

[ashwinmeird]

This AO3 down situation should have happened while I was at work

I read… a reasonable amount of fanfic at work today but now I’m home, staring at a textbook wanting nothing more than to read a silly little fic

[ashwinmeird]

Josh had said a lot of things that Buck couldn’t follow, mainly about a television show Buck knew about but never watched. But one thing that stuck out to Buck was that he was discovering himself in a time unlike so many others. In a time where connection, acceptance, and understanding could be found online. He’d even done it once before.

Diving into topics online was hardly a new action for Buck, the amount and variety of information was a beast he had fought and bested time and time again.

This was a different matter entirely. Natural disasters and haunting stories were one thing, they were outside of himself and he knew there was information to find there. Trying to find himself in the lived experiences of others was a risk, one that he wasn’t sure he was prepared to take.

When he made it back from Eddie’s, still unable to form words after that reveal, he took the plunge.

It started with bisexuality and the bisexual umbrella and any other day that would have been enough, but he wasn’t ready to return to reality yet. Romantic and sexual identities weren’t always the same. Sometimes someone didn’t feel one or the other.

Aromantic.

There was a word for it. It had a definition, a flag, and the stories of people who felt similar to how he did, that he stumbled across with nothing but static filling his brain. He had felt broken because of this for so long, but these anonymous strangers weren’t broken. They were happy people with fulfilling lives and maybe he had been wrong the whole time.

That familiar weight that he had lived with for so long patted him on the shoulder before it dissipated. The creature wrapped around his heart finally settled, content now that it wasn’t at odds with his attempts anymore.

This wasn’t something he could ever unsee or unlearn. Irrevocably, from this point onward, everything was different. He was different.

Years of self doubt and internal hatred wouldn’t disappear overnight, but this was an Olympic long jump sized leap toward that.

Buck was never going to romantically love anyone. No woman, no man, no one in between or outside of that. No person, ever. Aromantic; he had been all along even if he never had the terminology before now. He loved his family, his friends, and Eddie and Christopher. Even if the future was always uncertain, he knew that and he knew himself.

He found his way back to his kitchen, no recipe, just the ability to breathe freely and a whole evening to himself to just be. For now, that was enough.

| Full fic on AO3 |

[moniehon]

Happy lesbian visibility week!! 🧡🤍🩷

[unhingedoveractivemuse]

Chim!

And Eddie's back!

No Buddie roommates though?!? You had to take that from us too? 😭

[ashwinmeird]

I mean… when you actually close on a house if he does find one the waiting period isn’t nonexistent so there is potential for that to still be the case (but probs not actually shown on the show 😔)

[ashwinmeird]

I agree but like Eddie has some other stuff going on too not just leaving because of the Bobby thing lol

(He literally accepted a whole ass job)

[ashwinmeird]

Mans was twisting around that whole time

That had to hurt so much 😢

[ashwinmeird]

They took all those jacks to the concrete and my brain was instantly like “yall are giving the wall a laparoscopic appendectomy” wtfff

[ashwinmeird]

I’m on board with it but I’m fairly certain Eddie is not allowed to just hop on scene of an emergency like he’s an active member of the 118

[ashwinmeird]

I KNEW SHOPPING CART GUY WAS GONNA HAVE TO REACH AND HELP HIM

FORCED RECONCILLIATION

[ashwinmeird]

Maddie with the whiteboard

Queen shit

[ashwinmeird]

I’m so mad that dental work exists

I wanna stress eat so bad but nothing non-chew is satisfying enough

[ashwinmeird]

Buck is the next one Karen has to sit down and remind that they’re still a family even without Bobby

[ashwinmeird]

I swear this girl needs to enunciate better cause I swear to fuck every time she said that guys name I thought she was saying “daddy”

[ashwinmeird]

Buck put in for a fucking what