⊰ the witcher askbox ⊱

The original askblog regarding canon characters for the purpose of allowing fellow Sapkowski fans to ask the characters of the Witcher all their long awaited questions.

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Hey Kiera, what’s Lambert like in the sack? I’m asking for a friend.

I already know who sent this letter. Geralt! Out with it! You know I’m legendary in the sack.

[giggles]

Who’s asking? Geralt or this stranger? Does he wish to know which one was better in bed? 

[abruptly stops giggling] Actually I didn’t sen–

Geralt. No comparison. No offense Lambert, I admire your tactics, you simply differ beyond comparison. 

[Flips a table] Geralt! You and me, outside in ten. 

Why do these things keep happening to me. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

*zooms in to snuggle Triss* How is it possible for you to be a sorceress but have a magic allergy? Or is it just like the bad for potions?

[chuckles]

I’m not sure. It’s the absurdity of life sometimes. You are allergic to the one thing you do most. 

I’m not allergic to you.

Geralt!

Geralt!

Geralt?!

Go! Go!

[flees]

And that is - ladies! Yennefer, Triss - That is, the end of our play! You see, a good joke, and yet, the worst timing. But a mere joke! Yennefer, please put the staff down!

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Ge'els, don't move...Please *i sit on the wall and drawing his portrait*

Guards! Escort this trespasser out of the palace premises.

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Awful insect stories. It’s what the people want to truly know about. C’mon Iorveth, I know that Scoia’tael don’t exactly live in prime conditions. Something detestable must have crawled out from the mud at some point. I wanna hear it! You too ladies, fess up!

Have you ever heard of pinworms? 

Ciri! Not appropriate. 

Is that what they’re called? I’ve always wondered what those skinny little things are crawling in my groin.. Other than that, I just eat whatever comes my way should I have no access to proper food in my travels. 

I think I’ll be sick. 

[NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH]

[Translation: I AM OFFENDED. I AM UTTERLY OFFENDED I AM FORCED TO LET SOME OF YOU RIDE ME AND MOST LIKELY INFEST ME WITH YOUR GHASTLY PARASITES. SHAMEFUL IS WHAT IT IS. RIGHTLY SHAMEFUL.]

You and me both, pal. I mean, the damn state of some brothels have been--

What?

Nothing.

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

*a note for both vampire gentlemen* The gifts were meant as a token of appreciation, not as a bargain. It was never my intention to disturb or alarm by any means. There was no deception included. I simply wished to brighten your day a bit.

Oh, don’t despair, my dear. Dettlaff often deludes himself of perceptions of threats where there is none. I never doubted you. In fact, I’m flattered and humbled. Your kindness avail no limit. 

Forgive me. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

For anyone; Cats or dogs and why?

A black cat. Intelligent, elegant and independent. 

I’d say, a ginger cat. Really cute and fluffy. 

Anything that would resemble a wolf. 

An elegant cat, no fur, it gets everywhere. One that just sits on a ledge, and observes. 

Dog.

Dog.

Dog.

Dog. 

250 cats. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Philippa is how I realized I was a lesbian. Honestly. Also tbh not being ashamed of it, so thanks Philippa <3

I’ve heard it’s not an easy thing to do in your world, by your society and standards. In my case, not many bothered to even ask, or care a wit for whom I sleep with or desire. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

To all the vampires here, what is your opinion of Halloween? Humans dressing up in crazy or scary costumes, trying to frighten each other and visiting haunted houses for fun.

It’s a bit odd, I’d say. I’ve heard of the custom, yet it’s not at all uncommon. Parents tell stories of us, and other supernatural beings, to their children when they’ve been bad. But on the other hand, there are a few who’s grown so accustomed and comfortable with the idea of monsters such as us, and seems to, quite frankly, like the idea. I am fascinated with these individuals. They seem to look beyond what most people see, instead of horrid, ghastly creatures. 

I’m not evil, nor are all those creatures they spook each other with. But I suppose it’s all biased and subjective, anyone can be friendly if you get on their good side.

I adore this tradition. It’s the only time of the year I can truly be myself. I think most people likes this custom, because in fact, everyone enjoys being a little evil from time to time.  

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

This one is for Saskia! When you were little what form were you in? Like, did you eventually realize you could turn into a human or you were a human who could turn into a dragon, if it makes sense?

No, not literally. You are born as your specific race, gender or species; in short, I always knew what I was. I was born a young dragonling, but my father weren’t always in the form of a dragon, so I didn’t have a clear notion exactly of what I was. Well, as you could imagine, children don’t understand those broad, detailed things. They mainly just want to play, eat and sleep. Transforming into a human came seamlessly for me, when I started understanding more things, human speech for example, I found that the human form was very valuable. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

*comes up to Regis, crying, holding her arms up like a little girl* I need a hug. Please, give me a hug.

[embraces you]

I see you’re in desperate need of council. What troubles you, my friend? 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Dear witchers, what would your movie genre of choice be?

Hmm, probably something to do with crime. You know, police dramas, investigation. But I like a bit of thriller, mystery and plot twists, for sure.

I’d pick… Adventure, probably, with action and roma- I mean, killings.

I’d like to see a flick filled with action, comedy and drama. But if I had to choose one, maybe drama, as long as it’s unpredictable and filled with lots of.. action and comedy. Good friendships, with a positive meaning.

Have you ever watched that TV-channel, the “Discovery Channel”? Or that show “Deadliest Catch”? Yeah, that’s what I like.

That’s not a movie.

I make my own damn rules.

Too old to get with new generation, as always. For myself, I’d definitely choose horror. There’s gotta be blood, gore, LYNCHING, MUTILATION, DISMEMBERING–  

Lambert! Please.

What? What did I say? 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Geralt, why is Yennefer so lovable ?

She has her morals straight, a sense of dignity, and I will always respect a woman who knows what she wants, and who’s not afraid to achieve it. I enjoy our bantering, she’s a great mother to Ciri, and a loyal wife to me.

Not to mention her brilliance. But then again, you can’t always exactly pinpoint why you… ehem.. l-ove someone. Sometimes, you just do. 

Aww. Geralt said the “L” word. 

Shut up. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Iorveth, have you met Regis? You should meet Regis!

I have not had the pleasure yet, but I’ve heard mention of him from Geralt’s stories. Geralt, would you mind introducing us? 

Sure, he’s right over ther- [an arrow flings by his ear]

State your business or receive an arrow to your guts, dh’oine. 

Iorveth, it’s just me. I’ve brought a friend.

Well, well, well. Geralt. And I didn’t expect I’d find a person anymore pale than you. But it seems you did, and it seems you befriended him.

Now, there’s an explanation for that, I’m –

Have you brought any more jam? We’re all out of jam supplies, we haven’t received a delivery in weeks. And Geralt, have you seen your old crook Vernon Roche? That scoundrel still owes me money. If you find him, tell him I’ll gut him out and throw him in the sewers if he doesn’t pay me back my .. 

…

Anyways, you get the picture. Nice to meet you, and all that. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Yo Master Mirror, instead of a riddle challenge, what say you and I have a rap battle.

A game of verses? How amusing. What should we play for? 

I have an idea. You win, and I shall grant you an extraordinary wish, unlike any ordinary prize. 

But if I win, I shall consume your soul. Yes? Do we have a deal?

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Hello, strange question, by can one be turned into a higher vampire, or any vampire at that?

No, luckily not. We are a separate species, born and shaped in another world. We are, what you humans would call it, ‘aliens’ to you. Unlike your own fictional creation of vampires, we cannot turn others.

A strange question, indeed. How do you imagine the grande engineering of a creature, in depth from cells to mere capacity of the brain, to abruptly change into another completely different construction by a single bite? 

It’s far too complex to dwell deeper into this, but nonetheless, I believe they understood us, Dettlaff. No need to turn hostile. 

Forgive me, reader, if I came of that way. It was not my intention. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Geralt, has Lady Yennefer ever dragged you to a play or something of the sort that you found boring? If so, please tell me about it. I love my bored whiny witcher man

Not quite. But close.

Specifically it was a banquette I needed to attend in order to form a few important contacts to stabilize our treaty. Naturally, I needed a date to accompany me. Our days has been so still since we defeated the Hunt, so I presumed a small feast would do good for both of us. On the contrary, I’ve never heard him complain so much since Crach’s feast in Kaer Trolde. 

Damn doublets pinching my armpits. 

[ask-the-witcher-characters]

Sir Regis, may I humbly request to devote a religion to you? We will follow your teachings and bring you offerings, such as herbs, books, food, and anything else your heart desires.

I am touched by your sincerity, certainly. But might I inquire, why the worship? I suppose, by your standards, folk would consider me a demi-god, but I never intended this would actually come into play to your people. I have no interest in servants, however, once you’re finished in finding interesting books and herbs, join me in my study. There is a book I’d like to discuss with you and your friends. It’s called “The Bible”. I am most curious about it.