The Guardian Jailer

(This is an ask/RP blog for the Dragon Priest, Vahlok the Jailer, who appears in Skyrim's DLC Dragonborn. Current M!A: none Blog Status: HIATUS until further notice)

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

draconicsongs replied to your post: draconicsongs replied to your post: [OOC: Hiatus...

Alright~ I’ll let you know when I receive it/log onto Skype, okay? c: (note my askbox is a little derpy, so send it again if I don’t reply in 5 minutes.)

(O-okay. ;^;)

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

draconicsongs replied to your post: [OOC: Hiatus Info]

Hey, I don’t hold anything against you. c: I understand you’re going through a lot; just take all the time you need, okay? <3

(I think it's that time of the month again because I've been eating a lot and now I'm crying so fucking much out of happiness because holy shit have I missed you and I just always hoped you were okay and I just I can't think properly right now I'm sorry I'm just so happy to hear you say that I've been so scared but now I just okay now I'm just blabbering I'm just going to message you my new Skype ok I miss you so damn much my daydream wander sister.)

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

[OOC: Hiatus Info]

(Ugh sometimes I forget to make these posts and end up thinking that I already did can someone just PLEASE punch me and get my memory in check

So, busy summer has been busy. I secluded and isolated myself to better work on my written works and whatnot, also mentally prepping myself because I'll be going to a new school at the end of the summer and ugh you can just smell the anxiety sweat off of me.

At least it's not a private school I'm fucking done with those.

So yeah. I've produced a decent number of notes regarding my potential career and Animal Crossing: New Leaf took a portion of my life away.

In other words, regarding my hiatus, I'm not sure how long it's gonna be. I mean, I still love Vahlok, he's my baby, but the responsibility of running this blog kind of hit me like a sack of bricks. Maybe when I have more time and less concerns on my mind, I can start this up again so meanwhile it'll just remain on hiatus.

And here comes a touchy subject (for me, of course).

It's been a month since I made this post: http://ask-vahlokthejailer.tumblr.com/post/52587046891/ooc-hiatus-deepest-apologies and I realized I failed to acknowledge a very important point.

The people I befriended here.

Now, I just want to add this thing I wrote earlier today so you can see what type of person I really am when it comes to interacting socially: 

My social interaction is the weirdest shit ever. Sometimes, I enjoy talking to people and it makes me happy, but other times I'm happy when everyone else is cut off and I'm by myself in my room. During moments such as the latter, I find myself not responding to texts or making an effort to communicate, and although I want to, although I feel bad not answering a text, I can never bring myself to.

Then I feel bad when people try to communicate with me and I don't respond or seem into it, and end up dropping the effort completely. When I see a days old text or missing call, I ignore it because I feel, 'Ugh I didn't respond ugh I'm terrible ugh they must hate me ahhh'.

It's so weird that I feel terrible for pushing away any sort of social interaction yet never try to do anything about it. I enjoy the company of other people and when I happen to run into someone in person, I'll chat them up for hours and make remarks such as, 'Oh I have to keep in touch!' 'Oh we should talk again!' and when that person tries to do so, I don't live up to my end of the bargain. Nor do I try to initiate it myself.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know if it's because I'm so used to being by myself in my room that it just comes as instinct and I constantly dwell on making an effort to talk to someone but I just fucking CAN'T and I hate myself so fucking much sometimes.

I don't see myself as a horrible, ungrateful friend, but I don't see myself anywhere close to being a wonderful, perfect friend either. I'm very happy about myself in many aspects, but communicating independently is not one of them. I refer to it as 'independent' because it's by my own accord, and not just by some chance meeting. Most of the communication I do is 'dependent', meaning, in my terms, that I have no other choice but I'm not completely unwilling for it. I enjoy it. I'm in a situation where talking to people is as easy as counting one-two-three.

But when I'm by myself, it's suddenly like climbing a mountain. A very, very frustrating climb because no matter how passionate and happy I am imagining myself doing it, actually doing it is a sudden immense difficulty.

And it's not just with unrelated people. It's with family members as well.

So, I'm sorry if I'm a lousy friend when it comes to talking with you. I honestly don't mean it and it's nothing against you or anything. I'm just very difficult to understand sometimes, even for myself.

Yeah.

To the people I befriended here, before I announced my hiatus, I sometimes laid awake at night thinking about our conversations on Skype together and I always hoped that you were all alright. When I made that post a month ago, I tried to go back on Skype with hopes that maybe we could start anew, because to be honest I thought you were mad at me for leaving without a word. But then it turned out my Skype was fucked up and I couldn't really access my account and like an idiot, I took it as a sign to just back away. Like a pessimist, I swallowed it down.

Now, I have a new Skype that works just fine and I'm not going to bother figuring out why my old Skype was acting like a shithead. All I know is that I'd still like to keep in touch with you but at the same time I'm afraid that you don't see me as a friend or buddy anymore. But if you still do, please message me stating so because I'm too nervous to ask you myself. Even if you don't anymore, that's fine. I won't hold it against you. All I want is for you guys to be okay and happy.

So yeah that's the end of this post.

-XIII)

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

[OOC: Hiatus + Deepest Apologies]

(Life was hectic.

And I felt like a terrible person, despite the mask of pure happiness I displayed on my person whenever I socialized. Inside, I was feuding with myself, being a pessimist, doubting myself, doubting other people's faith in me.

I'm sorry for leaving without another word, without warning, but at the time, I felt like I was hit by a huge sack of reality and in turn, it sent me sprawling into depression. It was a hidden depression, one that I didn't even let my mother take note of. I wore a mask, such a happy mask, one that made unhappy people want it.

Three months later, I feel like I have tackled the three major depressions that were affecting my mentality and separating me from friends and society. In the early beginnings of those months, I refused to socialize (excluding when I was at school), because I felt like I had to handle everything by myself. The first time I weighed myself down with my problems nearly cost me sanity had I not turned to my mother for aid. This time, in fear of growing too heavily dependent on her, I relied on myself.

I am not afraid to tell of those depressions and how I fought them, because now I realize it's okay to be 'afraid', it's okay to be in 'love', and it's okay to 'forgive'.

In five exaggerated minutes, I'm going to be shoved headfirst into a world full of turmoil, bad people, and important life decisions. As I aged another year on the 1st of April, I realized I wasn't getting any younger and that my so-called book was going nowhere. I started doubting myself and my abilities. As a natural pessimist, I told myself, 'You're so pathetic thinking you can make a living off of petty stories that no one is going to care about. You're never going to finish it and even if you and by some miracle, it gets published, even you will encourage others not to buy it in fear of criticism.' I began believing those things I told myself. I began to fear getting any older, I began to fear winding up in debt without a home, extreme as that may sound.

How did I change my mentality, ever so fed by my own negativity? I began listening to the people around me. My peers, my mother, my relatives... They all told me I was an amazing writer and that I should be more confident of myself. I love writing, I truly do, and they knew that and used that to remind me to do what I love. I steadily changed my terrible outlook on things and as of a few weeks ago, I have taken up writing again.

The next task I faced was discovering my identity. Long ago, I identified as asexual and often jokingly said how I'd never end up falling in love or feeling any romantic attraction. I was wrong, not surprisingly enough. I found myself with a puppy crush on a female friend of mine and whenever I hugged her, she took it as a platonic thing while I found myself loving her warmth and attention. After realizing this, I questioned myself, 'I thought you were ace? So now you're interested in women?' I was so confused but after a while, that small infatuation wore off only to be replaced what I can absolutely confirm as 'love'. I fell in love with a male friend of mine but sometimes I think his friendliness towards me was just that: friendliness. He was so nice to me, picking up stuff I dropped or being the first to ask if I was okay whenever I was 'unmasked'. Of course, whenever he asked, I quickly put the mask on again.

I never told anyone of the 'love' that I was feeling for him and now that the school year has ended (thus reminding me again of the rapidly approaching 'reality'), I am getting over him. But I left myself confused. First a girl, now a guy? Despite the romantic feelings I felt for them, 'sex' was still something I would never want/engage in. After much considered research about sexuality, I discovered that there are two orientations: romantic and sexual. To this day, I comfortably identify as a biromantic asexual.

The final task...is something a lot more personal, but I will say that if you will yourself to, you are able to forgive someone you love even if they have committed errors in their lives that have not only hurt them, but you as well. I forgave and as a result, a piece of me that was lost has now been returned.

As I went through these things, after a month or so after my sudden departure, I slowly began adjusting myself to society again while fighting these depressions. Even with a bunch of nerves in me screaming pessimistic thoughts, I allowed myself to feel 'friendship' again, to familiarize myself with a feeling I hid myself from, before, hopefully, returning here. I am truly, truly sorry that I left without saying anything. I'm extremely sorry if it felt like I cut you off. I never intended that, but at the same time, I didn't want the mask to fall off and trouble you with what was hurting me. I was tired of living behind a mask and I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I am sorry, and maybe all the apologies in the world cannot repair what I have done. I understand.

I needed to be alone. I needed to fight my inner demons once and for all.

Now that I have, I know it's okay to feel weakness every now and then.)

[suddenlygif]

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

"Look at the precious creature!"

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

I bet Deathwing could beat Alduin~

"...I do not know who this 'Deathwing' is, but I am sure that they can never hope to amount to the power Drog Alduin has. Now be gone."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

I heard your lord Alduin has returned.

"I know he has," Vahlok says confidently. "I never once doubted it. He will always return, no matter what. It is his fate."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

-Chases Vahlok with puppies-

His eye widens and once again, he finds himself on top of the Word Wall, hugging himself tightly. "So...cute... But so...deadly..."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

-Rubs puppies all over Vahlok-

Instead of doting on the puppies as he usually would, he yelps a bit and runs to hide, trying to resist scratching at his skin. Stupid Magic!Anon!

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

What do you think of Hircine?

"I do not know much of the Daedra, save for...one..., but Hircine... I automatically know I do not like him. He reminds me too much of wolves."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

m!a: You're allergic to dogs for 5 hours. Also, I just released a pack of them into your tomb. Oh, and they all look like Folkvardr. Have fun!

"You... YOU ASSHOLE!" He finds himself on top of the Word Wall, sleeve pressed over his mouth and nose as if to avoid inhaling the floating hairs of the many Alaskan Malamutes shedding all around. Deep inside, he longs to hug and play with all of them, but no, the Greymages are all asses.

[draconicsongs-deactivated201401]

[02:31:04] dragonsdragons: … [02:31:11] dragonsdragons: I just imagined Strun singing [02:31:22] dragonsdragons: “I’ll make a man out of you” [02:31:24] dragonsdragons: wtf [02:31:27] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: …omg [02:31:40] dragonsdragons: I’m so done with myself [02:32:41] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: brain noooOOO [02:32:47] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: i just imagined [02:33:11] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: in your Sovngarde fic, after Ev is like…broken [02:33:16] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: Strun just randomly shows up [02:33:18] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: and starts singing that [02:33:26] The Charming Lil’ Penguin: to get her back on her feet or something

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

(ooc: ...Did I mention I see him doing a little dance, too?)

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

Who or what is the most beautiful person/thing youve ever seen?

"...Uh... That would have to be...um..." He grabs at his hood, pulling it down over his face. "...My briinah, Nahkriin...," he mumbles.

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

ask-nahkriin replied to your post: Hey Vahly, I hear Alduin really wants a kiss from…

… I think I might be the favorite… *panics*

“…Then I suggest you run along and kiss him, briinah.”

[ask-nahkriin]

“Nuh-uh, no, Niid, Nein, non, no no no no. I think he’d swollow me whole if he did. nope.”

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

"...I suppose so. Besides, I am starting to think we should never listen to the Greymages..."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

If you could be with anyone right now, who would it be? and Why?

"I think... I would like to be back with my family... My parents, my briinah, Folkvardr... I miss them terribly and I admit, sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I not left."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

Did you favour any dragons in the past, besides Alduin?

He looks up at the ceiling, thinking, before replying with, "No... Not really. I respected every dovah, yes, but Drog Alduin was the only one I favored most."

[ask-vahlokthejailer]

ask-nahkriin replied to your post: Hey Vahly, I hear Alduin really wants a kiss from...

… I think I might be the favorite… *panics*

"...Then I suggest you run along and kiss him, briinah."