Kongeriget Danmark

Ask blog for Denmark from hetalia!

[askmathiaskohler]

[ / Leon and Björn’s idle chatter is interrupted by the sound of a ringtone blaring; specifically an audio recording of the vegan teacher. With a sigh he digs his phone out, looking at it. ]

Björn: The hillbilly is calling.

Leon: What the fuck does it WANT we’re BUSY.

Björn: Hold on, let m-

[ / It’s safe to assume he answered the call. The voice of a stranger is barely picked up by the camera, as his phone isn’t on speaker; though he does eventually put it on speaker. ]

???: Y’all can hear me? Both of you? 

Björn: Ja, what? Leon: You’re interrupting my livestream where I out Bjorn for being a sex weirdo. What the FUCK do you want?

???: So first your dumbass is so kind as to FORGET to PICK US UP at the airport, you’re also doin’ that shit WITHOUT US? You fucker! Leon: What. 

Björn: What.

???: What do you mean WHAT? God, y’all are useless. All y’all! Val won’t stop bitchin’ about bein’ fuckin’ hot even though he’s wearin’ a trenchcoat in hot weather, and you overrated little twinks just FORGOT to get us. When I get there I’m going to rain hell fire on you two, so start prayin’. Leon: And you’re just LETTING him overheat? They say you’re not supposed to do that, people leave their fucking ape men in cars in the summer and they end up getting heatstroke, it’s actually really sad. That’s animal abuse and problematic. [/ Another voice comes from over the line, ] Valeriy: I’m going to pop your head like a zit. Leon: RIP AND TEAAAR

???: I hate all y’all.

Björn: You don’t hate me, Al!

Allen: I hate you the most. 

Allen: Now let us the fuck in! It’s hot as hades out here. And with god as my witness, if I hear this oversized baby complain one more time I’m goin’ to hurt someone. Valeriy: Shot op. 

Allen: SHOT OP! Leon: SHOT OOOP! 

Björn: SHOOOOTT OOOP!! 

Allen: Now seriously, let us in.

Björn: Okay, okay. I’m coming. Are you joining us for the stream?

Allen: Hell fuckin’ no! I’m goin’ to eat some authentic Chinese food, bitch! I’m STARVED!| Valeriy: I’m the one complaining apparently but he can’t go five fucking seconds without “Well goooo-lee! I’m just rootin tootin starvin! Yeehaw!” 

[ / Allen punches Val in the stomach. ]

Allen: I told y’all I was gonna hurt someone. Valeriy: Fuck you. Open the door. 

Björn: Fine, monkeys. I’m on my way.

[ / Björn gets up from the chair, and the sound of him walking away is followed by the door clicking closed behind him. ]

ASKMATHIASKOHLER IS OFFLINE!

[askmathiaskohler]

Dog boy....

Björn: Shit, here they come. What the hell even is Applebees? And no, I don- No, no. I’m not talking about this shit on Peepaws blog. That’s just a line I won’t cross.

Björn:

Björn: What are you doing.

Björn: [ / Björn sucks in a deep breath, and you can practically hear his face fall into his hands. ]

Björn: Peepaw.. Peepaw and everyone, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. [/ With this Leon finally turns the white board back around to display his horrible creation ]

Leon: This is all I see when I look at you. 

Björn: One day you will pay for this. God will reign hell upon Hong Kong... And the Mcdonalds here. Leon: He already did that, I won’t invoke that fucking sandwich here. Not on peepaw’s blog. 

Björn: OH SO YOU WON’T TALK ABOUT THE MCCUM SANDWICH? BUT YOU’LL JUST OUT ME? Leon: Yeah? 

Björn: I regret coming here. Leon: It’s ok… I’ll let you suck my toes.

Björn: Keep your socks on you fucking freak. No platonic toe sucking for you, not after you just shot me in the fucking foot.

Björn: Seriously.. PEEPAWS BLOG? You could not have done this anywhere else? He’s going to be traumatized! Leon: He won’t be traumatized! He’ll laugh at you and it’ll be great! 

Björn:

Björn: Ja, you’re probably right. STILL!

[askmathiaskohler]

I do... I do want Oscars skin can I have his address please?

Björn: God damn weirdos.. Go back to your ao3s and your fanfiction dot nets.. Go back to your snuff forums on the dark web...

[ / He draws a little doodle of something that is supposed? To be a gun? It looks like a rectangular boomerang, he tried. ]

Björn: I’ve never shot a gun in my life but I’ll learn how to put a weirdo down. Leon: Put Oscar down, I’ve created a petition, then I’ll finally get the recognition I deserve. 

Björn: No, you won’t. Next in line is Joey. Accept it, Leon. No one likes you. Leon: JOEY SUCKS, WHAT DO YOU MEAN

Björn:  He’s in denial. He’s losing himself. Gods, it’s sad to watch. Leon: YOU’RE JUST MAD I’M RIGHT? ABOUT BOTH OF THEM? 

Björn: You’re never right about anything, Leon. Leon: I’m right that your boyfriend’s a catboy and you’re a dogboy and that you’re both filthy degenerates that need to be taken to a kill shelter. 

Björn:  Birdboy, Leon. Or are you not keeping up with nationtheory on twitter? Also you can’t speak, you’ll draw any kind of filthy shit for a few bucks. Leon: I’M MAKING A JOKE ABOUT YOUR FUCKIN PETPLAY YOU NASTY NASTY RAT. Also fuck you 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Björn: I KNEW THAT, LEON. I WAS TRYING TO DERAIL YOUR JOKE SO YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT ON PEEPAWS FUCKING BLOG!! Leon: WHAT Oh my god… I just exposed you to peepaw… 

Björn: I KNOW that, THANKS. Leon: Regret.

[askmathiaskohler]

What’s ur favorite color

Björn: Oh.. This-

Björn: This but not that neon. I mean I like neon, but I like the more warm color. Don’t fucking say it Leon. Leon: Pis-

Björn: I’m gonna shove that crusty ass sock down your throat.

Leon: Promise? 

Björn: … Bro.... Leon: Bro… Leon: Anyways are you serious? My favorite color is fucking red 

Björn:  Nooooo… I thought it was snot green… I thought it was like, doo doo brown. Leon: That’s your boyfriend

Björn: WHAT? Leon: THE BITCH LIKES SNOT ASS GREEN

Björn: 

Björn: Mhmm!

[askmathiaskohler]

Clean your room.

[askmathiaskohler]

where are the other two?

Björn: Them…

Leon: Don’t invoke those… Those things…

Björn: We’re supposed to be free of them for one more day, I don’t want to think about those fucking beasts. I have at least 20 hours before I have to.

Björn: Worry not, though. We can recreate their likeliness on this white board. You do Val and I’ll do Allen? Leon: God you’re giving me the like… Abominable snowman? Okay. 

Björn: You want the reject Clint Eastwood? Leon: Nevermind, actually, that thing gives me more hives than the creepy stalker.

Björn: That’s what I fucking thought.

[ / The sound of markers squeaking against the board can be heard, accompanied by occasional wheezing and snickering. After about 30 seconds, their masterpiece is unveiled. ]

Björn: So.. So here we have-

Björn: My favorite homophobic cowboy. He lives in George or something, I don’t know. He purposefully moved into a city called “Cumming” to spite god. He’s got face tats too, he’s horrible and he makes me wish nations could die just so that bullet that lodged into his brain actually got rid of him for good. Leon: You can’t hate crime straight people that’s fucked up.

Björn: MMmmmm…….. Not gonna say that! Your turn, Leon. Leon: Uhhh okay… OH! [/ he seems to get an idea at the end there and also quickly scribbles something on the whiteboard, though he takes a lil longer than bjorn did ] Leon: Ladies and gentlemen. Him.

Leon: I would run away from this thing if it approached me in a dark alley, I hate his stupid trench coat and his shitty anime bangs. This man has done some illegal shit and you can’t tell me otherwise. Also needs a concept of boundaries, I’m about to call the cops because I’m literally being fucking cyberstalked. Leon: It’s like the video of the dog busting down the door while the dude’s trying to take a shit. That’s what it’s like being friends with this fucking CREEP. 

Björn: You should feel like you're being cyberstalked, you are. The bitch peeps me through my webcam sometimes and then sends me messages like some kind of freak. 

Björn: “Drink water.” GET OUT OF MY CAMERA, WEIRDO!! I only want the people running the shitty malware I purposefully download scoping around, not some shitty knock off anime antag!!! Leon: He told me to get off the computer because I’d been playing shitty hentai games for like… three days straight so I proceed to stay up another day out of spite. Leon: I hate them both. They don’t deserve to play with my epic LPS collection. 

Björn: sHHHHHHUT UP!!! Leon: AWWWWWWWW IT STINKS!!!!!!!

[ / Leon gets hit for that. It’s like a slap, like you hear that shit off the skin. That’s going to sting. Leon laughs bc its funie ]

Björn: DIE.

[askmathiaskohler]

You play the new hunniepop?

Leon: Duh. I have like… 400 hours on the new game and over that on the old one, Huniecam studios I didn’t jive with as much so it’s got like… 30? 30 hours?

Leon: I like the first game more, but honestly? It’d be a solid 2.5/5; Lilian’s annoying, and I miss Beli, but I’ll add a point because Polly is the second best girl. 3.5/5. Final score. 

Björn: Disgusting, incel behavior. Go sit in your basement with your neetbux, you filthy rodent. Leon: Good idea, let me go grab my Jessie Maye body pillow and scurry. 

[ / Very, very dramatic gagging noises from Björn ]

[askmathiaskohler]

Ur hat looks stupid.

[askmathiaskohler]

Is your Twitter even verified loser?

Björn: 

Björn: Hold on I-

[ / He hastily scribbles something on the board, its like a shitty redo of tails gets trolled. ]

Björn: WHAT? HA, HAHA, FAKE FAN!

Björn: IF YOU FOLLOWED MY TWITTER DOT COM YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I GOT VERIFIED THIS MORNING! HA! CLOWN!

Björn: 

Björn: It was for the wrong reasons, but still-

Björn: GET FUCKED!! Look I’ll even write it out on this board so you can see it.. Better yet, I’ll draw the little verification mark. BETTER YET, I’ll point a bunch of obnoxious red arrows at it so you all can see it. 

Björn: BOOYAH! Papabjorn certified REAL. 

[askmathiaskohler]

have you two seen a certain picture of beardless milkman floating around? i hear it's cursed

Björn: .. What? Is there a joke I’m missing here or…?

Leon: I think they mean Magnu… BOO DEAD MEME!

[ / There’s like a choked sounding horrid wheezing. ]

Björn: Saint milknus… Magnu, Dorime.

Leon: Be sure to pour some milk on your Magnu shrine daily. 

Björn: It’s like the Danny Devito shrine but it’s just the same image of my dad pasted like 10 different times on the wall in different frames and sizes.

Leon: I wish he’d shaved his head too, I wanna slap it and see if it jiggles.

Björn:

Björn: Do you think anything on him can jiggle? I don’t think he has anything on him other than muscle. I don’t mean to disappoint, but… He doesn’t eat lettuce buns for nothing. Leon: He’s got the rock hard tits that the mom from Mean Girls does. If you hug him it’s painful. 

Björn: Anyways, no. I haven’t seen that picture since like… Fuck, 2007? I think. He shaved his face in the 80s I think, so it just kind of resurfaced and became a meme before it died again. It was like some sad Danish persons attempt at Poot Lovato but with my dad.

Leon: I tried to buy the original online but it was a scam and I wasted like… 5,443.21 HKD on it. I just got a photocopy on printer paper in the mail. It sucked. 

Leon: So I will now make an artistic rendition of the masterpiece that is… Magnu.

Björn: Please don’t.

Björn: 

Björn: Stop.

[ / Cue the horrible wheezing that just sounds painful. ]

Björn: STOP! WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE A TWINK!!

Leon: Twinknus rights. 

[askmathiaskohler]

Hey Leon, Oscar is the better HK 👀👀👀

Björn: Glad you have common cents, rando.

Leon: Say that again. Deadass. 

Björn: Take the L man. They’re right. Like.. Hold on, let me show you the facts. 

[ / He doodles like a real… real shitty bar graph with no units of measurement. ]

Björn: Them’s the facts, Leon. Leon: I’m not listening to the bitch that used the wrong they’re in his chart. 

Björn: I actually don’t believe a word you say about any language anymore, but go off. Leon: Leon: FAIR, I guess. Leon: What’s your evidence? I’m so much funnier than Oscar, not to mention my huge meat. 

Björn: Have you disappeared into the crowd like bigfoot? Huh? No, better, have you pistol whipped a camera? Did you tell the paparazzi to shut the fuck up at 4 in the morning? Did you coin “arny-yana… mrande?” No? You’re pathetic, laughable. You’re like gum on the sidewalk compared to Oscar in terms of comedy.

Leon: No one will find your body. 

Björn: They will. Unlike you, my boyfriend will look for me. You will die alone and forgotten, you sad sad man. Maybe you should have spent more time with your husband over putting 700 hours into huniepop. Leon: I know none of you can see it but I made the shocked tails face at this shitty fucking manlet. 

Björn: I saw it, rate it 3/10. This dumbass constantly looks like the moyai emoji so he can’t express anything else. Leon: FUCK YOU!

[askmathiaskohler]

How did you two meet?

Björn: Oh that… That was a while ago. 

Björn: Basically I had to live with The Rat™ for a hot minute, like… Right after I moved out of my dads place and thought I was going to be all independent. 

Björn: Which was fine, I guess? But I never.. Never studied English very well. So I had absolutely no friends or anything because I didn’t know how it was possible to make those sounds with your mouth.

Björn: But then I found this thing! And he couldn’t speak English either! Which was nice, I didn’t feel as stupid. Problem was he only spoke can of knees, so we didn’t understand each other like.. At all.

Leon: I, having lived with the rat on and off for like… years at that point I decided to take this shitty little rat under my wing and show him how to cope with being enslaved by chuckee cheese (but British) Leon: Charles Cheeseworth, if you will, Leon: So we invented this shitty sign language thing to communicate because I only spoke can of knees and mandalorian and he spoke Ice cream and Magnuese. Leon: I call it BSSL.

Björn: Bull shit sign language! 

Björn: And then we both actually learned how to speak the language… Because we had to. Not very poggers, honestly BSSL would have made a huge impact on the world, I think.

Leon: A forgotten art form, a dead language… 

[askmathiaskohler]

WAIT HUSBAND?! O:

Leon: Yuh; ya boy’s married to my sweet little penis head… my beloved catboy emo…

Leon: Somehow…

Björn: I still don’t know how that happened, or if I need to get him therapy.

Leon: Hah! That’s Emil by the way! I thought I should specify since I drew him in such a godly form it may be hard to distinguish that as him. 

Björn: Oh… Oh that’s bad to look at. Leon: Best Iceland, better than dogboy here haha woof woof what’s for lunch having ass. 

Björn: Hahah I’m laughing so hard right now… Wow that was such a funny joke wooooow.

[ / He sarcastically slow-claps along with the monotone statement. ]

Björn: But ja, he’s married and I have no clue how the fuck he managed to do that at all, let alone before me.

Björn: It was a joke when he called Oscar my husband, he’s my boyfriend. My.. My catboy boy- No, I can’t say that. That feels like I’m insulting him. Leon: I’ll draw catboy Oscar next, bet

Björn: No, no I’m not letting you do that to him. I’ll.. I’ll do it.

Björn: It’s like ripping off a bandaid!

Björn: …

Björn: I mean… It’s not as bad as yours was? Leon: Mine was on par with that bitch with no eyebrows… You know the painting? 

Björn: … No? What the fuck are you talking about? Leon: The… FUCK What was her name… Mona Laura? No that’s wrong. Leon: The famous one by DaVinky

Björn: OH! That bitch. Ja, I can see it.

[askmathiaskohler]

Digest him Leon 😳 curnch his frail lil ginger twink bones 🥴

Björn: Gods. Leon, the wattpad people found us. They’re gonna request toe sucking next!

Leon: Ugh Björn… Whip out those piggly wigglys… I crave the musky stench of feet

Björn: Hey, HEY! BACK! BACK YOU BITCH! You’re married! That’s wrong!! 

Björn: I SAID BACK! AT LEAST 8 FUCKING FEET!

Leon: But… No homo… 

Björn: …. No homo? Leon: No homo. Platonic footsie suculating only. 

Björn: Homie toe licking.

Björn: Is.. Is toe sucking vore? Technically? You’re not eating the whole person but you have like… something of them in your mouth. Leon: It’s not gay if it’s only partial vore. 

Björn: Homie voring. 

Leon: Hold on, let me illustrate our beautiful, passionate moment together… 

Björn: Is-

Björn: Is that a fucking anime thing? Leon: Attack on Titan isn’t real anime anymore. 

Björn: … It’s better then the dorito chin art. Even if it is fucking anime, weeb. Leon: It’s overrated and I’ve had to draw Mikasa’s boobs too many times. 

Björn: Those words definitely have meaning to me.

[askmathiaskohler]

“tHaTs uNoRiGiOnAl” says the two dumbasses that started the stream off with a shitty picture of a dick. Grow up bro.

Björn: You can just say you’re not funny!! It’s okay, we understand. 

[ / He draws a shitty little drawing of him rubbing his hands together like some 90s anime villain. ]

Leon: Honestly, dicks are like… automatically funny. That’s clown school 101. First rule of humor is that dicks and/or farts = funny. God you’re pathetic. 

[ / There’s a horrible sounding wheeze, before Björn barely manages to continue speaking. ]

Björn: Hampter… Leon: SHUT UP! Dont invoke Hampter! [/ Leon snorts, and laughs because hampter is THE funniest video. Periodt. ] 

Björn: Dick jokes are top tier humor! Right next to loud base boosted music and random pictures of bugs with spanish text on it. Seriously, this is basic knowledge. Do you live under a rock? Hallo?

Björn: Leon, write it on the board so they can get it. Penis = Funny, do it. Leon: You’re right, the smooth brained plebians need their primitive hieroglyphs to fully grasp this complex idea. 

Björn: … Wait, why are you so fucking BIG? I’m scared. 

Björn:... Vor- Leon: The giant sky Leon will vore you. Run. 

Björn: Nothing is sacred, and I’m terrified. Leon: You should be. 

[askmathiaskohler]

Leon has a frog? Mustard is a cute name! Who's Pidan?

Björn: If you think… that thing is a frog, then he has a lot. They’re the second most clean thing in his room, besides this hand sanitizer. 

Leon: Don’t invoke it’s name, he’ll come for you, and your only defense is to pray and hope he doesn’t find you. Leon: I have three frogs and being from the fucking shadow realm, Leon: I got my dumpy tree frog in… December? Of 2018? I named him Fuit Gummy because that meme was funny and now it’s just embarrassing to call him that. He’s the only one worth talking about. Leon: I have an albino pacman, that’s Mustard, she’s a crusty bitch. There’s nothing else to discuss. Leon: Uhh… Oh I got Bologna like… A month ago, she’s a pixie frog. She’s also going to be fat. Leon: and then… There’s that one. I don’t know how it got into my house but I can’t get rid of it. I fear for my life every night. 

[ / As he talks about each frog, he draws their own individual portraits. When he gets to the last one, though, he puts a lot of attention into detail… That is the creature. ]

Björn: Don’t draw it!! Erase it! Quickly! We can’t be bl.. Blasphemous, that’s the word. It’ll kill us! Leon: Oh my god [/ At this point Leon hurriedly, frantically, wipes the board clean. ] Leon: He’s looking at us…He knows. 

Björn: Fuck… I’m clenching. Leon: Clench like you’ve never clenched before…

Björn: I’m clenching so hard it kind of hurts, actually. 

Björn: Anyways… 

Björn: Pidan is my boyfriends tarantula! She’s a pink toed tarantula, I remember that. Uh… That. 

[ / It’s a poorly drawn “spider.” ]

Björn: Hold on, she needs her mani-pedi. Give me the marker.

[ / A slap is heard, accompanied by Leon going “AH-”, before Björn returns; crudely drawing her paws. ]

Björn: That’s Pidan, she’s funky. She flicks hair at you sometimes. 

Björn: He has a lot of other bugs too! Like the one that watches me when I sleep, and the.. Tripods? They like carrots.

Björn: Oscar’s the one with all the animals, but I got.. Uh, hold on.

[ / He draws a little portrait of himself holding… something. ]

Björn: Ralph. He’s a rock! He’s immortal and can’t die, and more apartment friendly then anything else. He’s from some state in America... Tennis I think. Allen gave me him. Leon: Ralph’s my best friend.

Björn: Whatever you need to tell yourself so you can sleep at night.

[askmathiaskohler]

Oscar?

Björn: … What about him? This question is so vague. It’s scaring me, stop it.

Leon: They want his skin, dude. Björn: No we need that, they can’t have that-

Björn: Oscar my beloved… Hold on.

[ / Björn doodles a little drawing of Oscar. ]

Björn: No, no wait. I gotta.. Feeling sillay!

[ / He makes his pupils much, much larger. ]

Björn: There we go… That’s what I’m talking about! Leon: Hold on I can make this better- [/ Leon scribbles over the doodle of Oscar ]

Leon: There! He sucks! 

[ / Björn scoffs. ] Björn: Your cat boy husband will never find your body. Leon: YOUR cat boy husband punched me for NO REASON. He’s vicious, he attacked me completely unprovoked, and for what? Because I was right? 

Björn: First of all, that was funny as fuck. I wish he throat pistol-whipped you, but the punching will do for now. The sound you made when you choked is going to be my ringtone for you for the next few months.

Björn: Second of all, you’re just mad that Pidan is better then fucking… Mustard gas. Leon: Mustard is so much better than that fucking thing. She doesn’t even know who you are!! Or Oscar, her horrible shitty father. Björn: You know what Pidan has that your frog doesn’t? She has a mani-pedi. She’s always on top of the game, she’s a bad bitch. She’s a barb. Your frog just looks like she’s going to fart at any fucking moment. Leon: It’s because she is. It’s the source of her power. 

Björn: Hold on, I’m settling this. I’m posting a poll on twitter.