I am the Lorax and I Speak for Free Markets

Askblog for the Conservative Lorax

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loving this lorax reboot

[asktheconservativelorax]

plants a gmo truffula tree//

Do you know nothing about history? That’s how we got the zombie apocalypse. I don’t have time for another world-ending pandemic today: too much money to be made.

[asktheconservativelorax]

Mr. Once-ler is pleased that you see his point of view and are allowing Thneed Inc. to keep biggering its corporate size. If you need assistance with paperwork and such matters, I am happy to assist you.

Why thank you my dear; it is always a pleasure doing business with those who understand business.

[asktheconservativelorax]

Which candidate are you backing in this year's thneedville mayoral election?

Whichever one makes it worth my while, if you know what I mean.

[asktheconservativelorax]

come back. i miss you

No, you.

I’m back, but it looks like you’re long-gone sweetheart.

[asktheconservativelorax]

Please return to this blog omg this was my fave,,, ;_;

You get this awful blogging system known as tumblr to actually inform me when people send me asks and I will gladly respond to them

Until then, I’ll just blame this system’s incompetence on someone who makes less money than I do.

[just-shower-thoughts]

The Lorax was a pretty darn ineffective spokesman for the trees

[asktheconservativelorax]

And that is why I switched to corporations.

Makes much more sense, is much more profitable, and I am much better at it.

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Do you think you'll ever run for president

Run for President? ME?

No; there’s far too much work involved in that. Besides, I have a job speaking for the corporations and there’s still plenty of forests to cut down.

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Hey Bud, want to save my country?

I will skillfully avoid talking about that by pointing out these poor sad Wall Street Tycoots:

Doesn’t it look like they need helping first?

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are you a twink or a bear

A WHAT or a WHAT now?

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where will you hide when the revolution comes?

There’s not going to be any revolution.

The general populace is far too lazy to actually do anything: so long as you have your televisions and McDonald’s, you’re complacent.

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Hello i love this blog bye

Of course you do!

You’d have to be crazy not to.

[asktheconservativelorax]

Marxism as a western political theory that is relevant again?

No.

You see, there is no connection between any of my actions and any communist countries, especially not Russia...

Wait, did you say Russia?

If you didn’t, ignore the fact that I did, and just take the answer that communism is bad and capitalism is the way to go if you want to make money.

[asktheconservativelorax]

Conservative Lorax, my mommy and daddy haven't had the talk with me that the other kids in the neighborhood say they've been getting. Methuselah was at my house the other day and said their mommy told them an important secret about their body and I'm so jealous! Do you know what they could be talking about? Do you have any books I can read so that I can get around the block on knowledge Mommy and Daddy are putting up?

Whatthe actualF*ck

Um...

Look kid, I don’t know who you think I am, but I sell Truffula Trees, not life advice...ESPECIALLY not that kind of life advice, despite what all of you may think.

[asktheconservativelorax]

We have the inevitable collapse of capitalism on our side

Really?

Well I have profit margins,

Busy factories,

And, of course, you, dear voter.

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You’re fired

You can’t fire me.

I’ve got too much money to get fired.

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i bet you're a virgin

Really?

With how many of you seem very desperate to f*ck me?