I’M NOT DEAD! Update & Mental Health Awareness (Possible PTSD Trigger Warning)
Greetings everyone. I know I’ve been absent for a while and I just want to let you guys know what’s been up. I won’t go into details but in September, a misunderstanding led to an explosive argument between me and my sister and I ended up being painted as the bad guy. Although I haven’t seen a therapist or anything, I’m pretty sure this incident has given me PTSD. At night I’ve been restless, with negative emotions and thoughts clouding my mind. I’ve become sensitive to confrontation and abuse of any sort, especially yelling and physical assault, such as a physical attack, or whipping, hitting, slapping etc. If I’m watching a TV serial where these things occur, it is enough to trigger me and remind me of that awful day. And I never used to react this way to these things before. For these past months I’ve been sensitive to things way more than I should be. There is not one day that goes by where I cannot get what happened out of my head. You should know that I’ve always striven to make my parents proud of me; this is what I centered my whole life around growing up. But after what happened, I felt like my life had been wrecked; ruined. Since that day, my sister hasn’t looked me in the eyes. If I’m anywhere in her presence, she will look away bearing a look of disdain on her face. I have two younger sisters and you should know that our relationship is very strained and distant. Despite living our whole lives under the same roof, we’re practically strangers. If I spoke to them I was greeted with insolent behavior. It’s been this way since we approached adolescence, but I never thought anything of it, thinking it was normal younger sibling behavior. Growing up, although I respected them, I always found them to be annoying, since we are polar opposites and share no common interests. Perhaps I should have done more for them; given them more love and attention. If I had, karma wouldn’t have caught up with me. I see now that what they feel for me is not normal sibling annoyance; it’s contempt. They look at me as if I’m beneath them, like I’m unworthy of their respect. I felt fury, humiliated, and ashamed, with myself, all at the same time since September. My emotions put me through hell and mental/emotional torture and draining. I’m currently in the process of healing and I don’t know how long it will take me, but I know I’ll be okay. And recently, I told myself that enough was enough.
We all have one life. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Every life is precious. You do not deserve people who get in the way of you being happy. You deserve to surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart, who bring out the best in you. Who makes you feel happy, who makes you feel present. LOVE YOURSELVES MORE! Because you deserve the best in the world, and so do I.
Aside from all this I really want to get into the habit of updating these blogs again. Currently I’m in university trying to get by anatomy and passing all my classes that require intensive studying. In my third year, I’ll start clinicals so I’ve just been busy with life and overall growing up. In all honesty, I don’t find myself as passionate about Black Butler as I used to be, and for this reason I don’t think I will do roleplay and ask responses with the characters as I’m not as invested in the series. However I am up to date with the manga. The Royal Tutor blog on the hand I feel most comfortable working with at the moment, since the characters are a bit more easier to work with. I’m also updated with the Royal Tutor manga as well and my upcoming posts may be related to recent chapters, so stay tuned for that! I don’t know what the future will hold but, I hope you guys will still have me!
XOXO!
