maybe i'm going insane

Levynn, 32, whatever | main: a-s-levynn

[asl-sparebrain]

This blog is currently for occasional mental hygiene posts and random blog type posts that i don't want on main because it doesn't have to be seen by everyone.

[asl-sparebrain]

I love today's delivery guy.

He wasn't just super polite and called ahead if anyone was at the address who can pick up the order but he didn't get one of my items from the store and he basically went back for it anyway, etc. Now i'm pretty sure i do look my age, but definitely over 18, but this guy went:

It is uncouth to ask or assume a someone's age but *nods towards my shirt* i'm pretty sure you are from before 2000

Apparently if you are an adult with a Shady shirt on, you are immediately clocked as "before 2000"😂

[asl-sparebrain]

Also on the brighter side of life, in the past few weeks i managed to sleep slightly better (far from perfect but basically any improvement is improvement on my end in the sleep department), taking my recommended supplements again and eat a bit more mindfully so my overall health is improving again a bit. Not saying all's good, but it is on a good path at the moment.

[a-s-levynn]

I'm so tired of people assuming i don't know shit about something just because i don't use it. The two are not mutually exclusive.

[asl-sparebrain]

Okay i need to vent about this more because it came from a friend and i'm disappointed.

The frustrating bit isn't even that they think i'm stupid, because duh. We all know i am. But this convulsive need to try convince me why it's good and fun and whatnot in the most condescending ways possible, like i was a complete idiot who does not know anything about this great thing that's so fun.

And the moment i explain that i've learned how to prompt, i know a fair bit on how these systems work, that i regularly attend conferences about the topic bot pro and con, i know very acutely how the situation looks and actually is in my country and have a decent grasp on it internationally or how it impacts the environment, or why it is a stretch to think this shit can go to space or under the ocean, why it is fucking scary how it changes people cognitively, etc, and i am still treated like an imbecile, just on the principle that i made an informed decision and choose not to use it.

Just because companies are pushing it and a lot of people are comfortable with using it, i'm not obliged to follow. Why cannot i in piece minimise how much ai is in my life without being deemed daft.

Sure i'm not the smartest egg but it doesn't mean i'm uninformed on any given topic.

Anyway.

[asl-sparebrain]

Wtf was yesterday's post. I need to stop posting when i'm having a day.

[asl-sparebrain]

It really sucks when people constantly "forget" to inform me when plans change. I'm tired of being stood up constantly.

Everyone says de-learn the harmful narratives and thoughts and be less paranoid and trust people more and don't always expect the worse and all that but like.. out of every 10 times i have something fixed with someone, at leat 8 times i'm just there, sitting like an idiot over and over again. It's hard to think positive when i'm not even worth a text of "sorry i'm busy" or something. Anything.

If i'm annoying, or too much or just not fun to be around then just say so. If people don't want me around just.. simply don't have me around. Tell me. Square up and tell me and be done with it. And i'll stay in my lane and shut the fuck up. I already cleared out like 90% of my socials, save for tumblr and IG for now but i don't know.

Maybe i should just fuckin delete everything, not leave the house outside of work and stop being a whiny bitch all the time. No one cares. Even online friends would forget me in two weeks tops, which is fine, i'm not exactly the most memorable person ever. Especially these days. But god damn it..

Never mind. It's fine. It's a loop. I know no one gives a shit. It is fine.

[asl-sparebrain]

The thing about living with/after and working through long term trauma on the long run is, that you hear healing this and healing that it's a process and it's not easy and what not. Sure. Things happened that altered you and your entire way of life and how you think and behave and all so it is only natural that moving forward from that is not an easy process. It's all good.

But what no one really tells you is actually how fucking hard to adjust to the fact that you spent half your life in fight or flight mode and you are used to operate with a very specific mindset. So when you are finally not in that headspace constantly, your mind and body has no clue how the fuck you are supposed to operate.

You had ways of doing things, you have built in habits that require a certain way of things to happen in your brain but they are not happening anymore so you have to re-learn how to live your life basically. And that is fucking frustrating.

[asl-sparebrain]

ihateitihateitihateit

i need to sleep more

i need to figure this shit out

i cannot stand how fucking dull everything feels because of the perpetual exhaustion

i am constantly at one step away from being productive or creative or whatever and there is this fuckin... thing, that feels like there is a hair thin sheet over everything that keeps away full clarity

it's like trying to touch textured cloth through those thin sandwich bags and you have an idea what that texture is but you cannot have it in full

if that even makes sense

i am so desperately trying to find the impulse of the day that actually kickstarts my brain because fuck me it is so fucking frustrating

it makes me think of shit i really should not because that is how relapses happen

but in short i do need to fucking sleep more than 3-4 hours per day because it is really fucking damaging on the long run both physically but especially cognitively

i mean i've been living with this for a long time so it's nothing new but fuck it feels like i'm constantly on an edge i barely even knew existed

in conclusion SLEEP MORE but fuck it's not easy

(nothing serious, i just really needed to get this out of my head)

[asl-sparebrain]

I'm annoyed. I never wanted to say fuck you to our head director more and i even caught him flat out lie into my face which i could prove with paper. But asking me in an hour earlier, cutting my already abysmal sleeping hours shorter for absolutely no fucking reason is just plain assholery. I have no problem coming in early if no one can make it but there is four people already in who can open the same fucking room for the maintenance crew.

[asl-sparebrain]

Is it like.. am i supposed to accept that the past year was and the current one is miserable and hope it get's better or i should just start drinking again

[asl-sparebrain]

Funny how some things can just catch you off guard. Like someone saying they have met someone "who is actually worse off than you" and proceeds to describe someone who is very much either on the exact same level or even better than me.. so like.. okay? You have not been in my house in months and we hadn't have a proper conversation in about a year but sure, i guess.

I mean.. sure there is this thing where you stop talking about the things that make others uncomfortable because "you shouldn't reinforce the negative things" but like.. not talking about them isn't going to make the thoughts go away. And people just assume you don't have the issues anymore because they are not mentioned?

I'm suddenly not going to be less suicidal just because i stopped saying i would not move to the side if a truck would be speeding towards me head on. Or how much i'm fantasising about what would happen if i just happen to be in front of the train i take every day to work. Just because i don't talk about how many painkillers i'm taking again doesn't mean it's not a problem. Just because i'm not saying how many times a day i'm thinking about starting to drink again doesn't take away the fact that i do.

Just because i'm quiet doesn't mean it's not happening. I know the whole point of saying i'm fine and pretend all's good is to mask all of it. To not be a burden, to not have to deal with the pity directed towards me. To not become the charity case friend. Or face the inevitable ignorance, which tend to happen when people realise i'm not going to be fixed during a coffee break.

But god i wish sometimes people would see behind the facade and just.. be there. Just for a little bit. Seeing me, not just the front i put up. Or the issues i'm buried under.

[asl-sparebrain]

Architects lyrics in the header????? banger song choice if I do say so myself

also hi 👋 I could have sworn I was alr following your sideblog but I’m here now yay

Hey there, welcome welcome!

You're good, i had a sideblog before but it got lost to the void, and now i have this. So that might be the cause. I'm not sure what i'm gonna do with it tho. There were plans but it's me so nothing's set in stone. But we'll see.

And thanks! I love Architects a lot. And i mean a LOT. I especially have an extremely soft spot for the For all those ... album in general. So it is only fitting to use something coming from there. And it is such a great intro song. Truly an underappreciated art form in the metalcore genre.

[asl-sparebrain]

.

[asl-sparebrain]

This was so on brand me. I was supposed to send some uni work to a prof who is convinced i'm precise and careful and shit. So yours truly obviously is an hour and a half late with the excel and haven't even had the time to proofread it.

[asl-sparebrain]

I respect the hussle, but don't try to sell an old book to a library you bought a month ago for double price when i can check the auction catalogues for the values for past 2 decades.

[asl-sparebrain]

.

[jackfromthefairytale]

FAVOURITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025 ↪ tagged by @zaanka <3

NOVELISTS - Coda

THE CALLOUS DAOBOYS - I Don't Want to See You in Heaven

TETRARCH - The Ugly Side of Me

HAYLEY WILLIAMS - Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party

UNPROCESSED - Angel

VALIANT HEARTS - Hidden Realms

MIDWINTER - Is There Anything You Want to Say?

KINGDOM OF GIANTS - Burning Chrome

CURRENTS - All That Follows

tagging: @hotakekakashi @heatwa-ves @under-the-knife @thehalcyoneffect @hurt-you and anyone else who wants to

[exltwounds]

FAVOURITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025

↪ tagged by @jackfromthefairytale

Private Music by Deftones

CONFLICT DLC by HEALTH

If Not Winter by Wisp

Hurry Up Tomorrow by The Weeknd

Mantras by ASAVA

Lo-files by Bring Me The Horizon

Ataraxia by fromjoy.

QUIET, IN YOUR SERVICE by Echos

CHAINSAW MAN: THE MOVIE REZE ARC - summer's end by Kensuke Ushio

tagging @noahsebastiann @strawberryserpent @wiredawake @lornashores @notthesongs @fadingangelwisp @masked-omen @requiemz @digitalroot @lmminence

[masked-omen]

FAVOURITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025

↪ tagged by @hotakekakashi ♡

○ badflower - no place like home

○ grandson - inertia

○ NF - fear

○ paleface swiss - cursed (the complete edition)

○ ethel cain - willoughby tucker, i'll always love you

○ sleep token - even in arcadia

○ twenty one pilots - breach

○ HEALTH - conflict dlc

○ sleep theory - afterglow

show me yours: @sorrowsofsilence @concretejunglefm @fadingangelwisp @mskingbeann @ladyveronikawrites @somebodyllelse @sable-fable @silent-stories @respectfulrebel

[sable-fable]

ENOCH’S FAVOURITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025

crawling out of my depression pit, tagged by @masked-omen 🫡

⭐️ Appaloosa - Orville Peck

⭐️Memories and Empties - Colter Wall

⭐️Mirador - Mirador

⭐️Breach - Twenty One Pilots

⭐️Willoughby Tucker, I’ll Always Love You - Ethel Cain

⭐️Order Chaos Order by Calum Hood

⭐️At The Beach, In Every Life - Gigi Perez

⭐️Coming Home - IC3PEAK

⭐️Perverts - Ethel Cain

no pressure tags: @oobleoob @jestersnotebook @darksigns-exe @ami-gami @lacy1986 @ladyveronikawrites @inthedarkofmyroom

[inthedarkofmyroom]

Thank you @sable-fable 🥰🥰

FAVORITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025

eternal sunshine deluxe: brighter days ahead - Ariana Grande

Even In Arcadia - Sleep Token

Pretty Idea - Amber Mark

The Art of Loving - Olivia Dean

Left For Good - Bad Omens (EPish I’m counting it lol)

SO CLOSE TO WHAT??? (deluxe) - Tate McRae

EVERYONE’S A STAR! (Fully Evolved) - 5 Seconds of Summer

Afterglow - Sleep Theory

Creature In The Black Night - Dayseeker

no pressure tags🩷🩷 @silent-stories @pacificbutbmth @concretejunglefm @concretenoah @sorrowsofsilence @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @runningincircl3s @english-fucker @overmydeadbodysblog @mrslumi @ami-gami @lacy1986 @buttercupbabyyy @sallyba3 @fadingintothegrey

[alwaysfightforwhoyouare]

Okay so I’m gonna try my best here @inthedarkofmyroom, @noahshands

Favorite album/EP releases of 2025:

I definitely don’t have nine that I can think of but these have definitely stuck with me

Bleeding Through - Nine

Linkin Park - From Zero (the deluxe edition came out in 2025, Let You Fade hurt my soul. It counts)

Lorna Shore - I Feel the Everblack Festering Within Me

Bad Omens - Left For Good EP (Apple Music says it’s an EP so it counts)

No pressure tags: @lacy1986 @overmydeadbodysblog @mrslumi @gothic-pumpkin @somebodyllelse @death-ofpeace-ofmind @ineedrelief @hurricanesfollowyou @buttercupbabyyy and anyone else that wants to do this

[ineedrelief]

awe thank you @alwaysfightforwhoyouare

if im being honest, ive listened to like 4 bands the whole of 2025 but here:

Sleep Token - Even In Arcadia

BMTH - Lo files

Bad Omens - Impose

Caskets - The Only Heaven You'll Know

Stand Atlantic - Was Here

5sos - Everyone's a Star

share your favourites with us!! @silent-stories @bubacorn @runningincircl3s @concretejunglefm @buttercupbabyyy

[bubacorn]

thank you for the tag! 🌻 i also don't have a lot, but i'll try

Sleep Token - Even In Arcadia

grandson - INERTIA

Bad Omens - Left For Good

The Warning - Live from Auditorio Nacional, CDMX

tagging @whataboutyouisamascot @takemetoasgard @stellasplendens @catbin and anyone who'd like to do it

[takemetoasgard]

Thank you for the tag @bubacorn 💜 I also don't have a lot but:

Iwan Rheon - I Just Wish I'd Never Gone To Space

Sleep Token - Even In Arcadia

Sabaton - Legends

Bohemian Betyars - Bánatszalonna

Tagging: @asl-sparebrain @fivewholeminutes @polteergeistt @ruinme-please

[asl-sparebrain]

Sorry it took me ages, but i love this! Thank you for the tag Ash!! 🫶🫂

FAVOURITE ALBUM/EP RELEASES OF 2025 in no particular order (besides the order of the pics):

stick to your guns - keep planting flowers

the southern oracle - hunt what you fear

of mice and men - another miracle

landmvrks - the darkest place i've ever been

architects - the sky the earth and all between

blessthefall - gallows

sleep theory - afterglow

unprocessed - angel

sleep token - even in arcadia

Tagging: i'm sure most people are already tagged, so anyone who feels like sharing some good tunes