SodaBoy🥤

Levynn, 32, whatever | main: a-s-levynn

[asl-sparebrain]

This blog is currently for occasional mental hygiene posts and random blog type posts that i don't want on main because it doesn't have to be seen by everyone.

[asl-sparebrain]

Speedrunning cancelled, Flatmate isn't coming. But i can't say it's good.

Loosing both godparents (one of them was Fm's aunt) in the span of two weeks is.. man.. it's a lot.

[asl-sparebrain]

Sad bit of thought is that i've been on vacation for over two weeks now and only today i could truly earnestly finally get started on gettig the flat in shape.

I needed two full weeks to just get there.

And now i get to speedrun it in one day basically cuz my flatmate is coming on tuesday so everything actually has to be in shape by then.

But that's an entire different type of beast.

It's just hilarious in a kinda sad way how much of a mess i am alone but at the same time i'm just not the type of person who gets to be not alone.

[asl-sparebrain]

I think i had my annual toe break a bit over 3 weeks ago. Maybe. Or a bad sprain. Tnd. I thought i just bruised it a bit but uh.. yeah the pain and the mobility issue isn't a good indicator.

Kinda hilarious how i have at least one fucked up toe per year and i'm not even doing anything that shouls warrant it.

[huffy-the-bicycle-slayer]

I haven't seen dancing pumpkin guy ONCE this year, are you guys okay?

[huffy-the-bicycle-slayer]

FINE! I'll do it myself

[huffy-the-bicycle-slayer]

Why did 12 people reblog this today??? IT IS ONLY AUGUST!!!

[darker-than-darkstorm]

According to this site, August 1 is the first day of Halloween.

[the-haiku-bot]

According to this

site, August 1 is the first

day of Halloween.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[asl-sparebrain]

It's been a long while since i dreamt and it wasn't a nightmare. It is also annoying how much more tired i am this morning despite sleeping for a rare solid seven hours without interruptions.

I just don't like dreaming period.

[asl-sparebrain]

in all seriousness, why do i even try

[asl-sparebrain]

I finally got around to watch Project Hail Mary. Life did not let me catch it in a theatre and i'm kinda glad. I'm sure it looked awesome on a big screen but watching it on a quiet afternoon by myself made it hit even more i think. But yeah i get why everyone seemed to be beyond hyped. It is very good. Amaze amaze amaze.

[rebelculture]

[asl-sparebrain]

I love today's delivery guy.

He wasn't just super polite and called ahead if anyone was at the address who can pick up the order but he didn't get one of my items from the store and he basically went back for it anyway, etc. Now i'm pretty sure i do look my age, but definitely over 18, but this guy went:

It is uncouth to ask or assume a someone's age but *nods towards my shirt* i'm pretty sure you are from before 2000

Apparently if you are an adult with a Shady shirt on, you are immediately clocked as "before 2000"😂

[asl-sparebrain]

Also on the brighter side of life, in the past few weeks i managed to sleep slightly better (far from perfect but basically any improvement is improvement on my end in the sleep department), taking my recommended supplements again and eat a bit more mindfully so my overall health is improving again a bit. Not saying all's good, but it is on a good path at the moment.

[a-s-levynn]

I'm so tired of people assuming i don't know shit about something just because i don't use it. The two are not mutually exclusive.

[asl-sparebrain]

Okay i need to vent about this more because it came from a friend and i'm disappointed.

The frustrating bit isn't even that they think i'm stupid, because duh. We all know i am. But this convulsive need to try convince me why it's good and fun and whatnot in the most condescending ways possible, like i was a complete idiot who does not know anything about this great thing that's so fun.

And the moment i explain that i've learned how to prompt, i know a fair bit on how these systems work, that i regularly attend conferences about the topic bot pro and con, i know very acutely how the situation looks and actually is in my country and have a decent grasp on it internationally or how it impacts the environment, or why it is a stretch to think this shit can go to space or under the ocean, why it is fucking scary how it changes people cognitively, etc, and i am still treated like an imbecile, just on the principle that i made an informed decision and choose not to use it.

Just because companies are pushing it and a lot of people are comfortable with using it, i'm not obliged to follow. Why cannot i in piece minimise how much ai is in my life without being deemed daft.

Sure i'm not the smartest egg but it doesn't mean i'm uninformed on any given topic.

Anyway.

[asl-sparebrain]

Wtf was yesterday's post. I need to stop posting when i'm having a day.

[asl-sparebrain]

It really sucks when people constantly "forget" to inform me when plans change. I'm tired of being stood up constantly.

Everyone says de-learn the harmful narratives and thoughts and be less paranoid and trust people more and don't always expect the worse and all that but like.. out of every 10 times i have something fixed with someone, at leat 8 times i'm just there, sitting like an idiot over and over again. It's hard to think positive when i'm not even worth a text of "sorry i'm busy" or something. Anything.

If i'm annoying, or too much or just not fun to be around then just say so. If people don't want me around just.. simply don't have me around. Tell me. Square up and tell me and be done with it. And i'll stay in my lane and shut the fuck up. I already cleared out like 90% of my socials, save for tumblr and IG for now but i don't know.

Maybe i should just fuckin delete everything, not leave the house outside of work and stop being a whiny bitch all the time. No one cares. Even online friends would forget me in two weeks tops, which is fine, i'm not exactly the most memorable person ever. Especially these days. But god damn it..

Never mind. It's fine. It's a loop. I know no one gives a shit. It is fine.

[asl-sparebrain]

The thing about living with/after and working through long term trauma on the long run is, that you hear healing this and healing that it's a process and it's not easy and what not. Sure. Things happened that altered you and your entire way of life and how you think and behave and all so it is only natural that moving forward from that is not an easy process. It's all good.

But what no one really tells you is actually how fucking hard to adjust to the fact that you spent half your life in fight or flight mode and you are used to operate with a very specific mindset. So when you are finally not in that headspace constantly, your mind and body has no clue how the fuck you are supposed to operate.

You had ways of doing things, you have built in habits that require a certain way of things to happen in your brain but they are not happening anymore so you have to re-learn how to live your life basically. And that is fucking frustrating.

[asl-sparebrain]

ihateitihateitihateit

i need to sleep more

i need to figure this shit out

i cannot stand how fucking dull everything feels because of the perpetual exhaustion

i am constantly at one step away from being productive or creative or whatever and there is this fuckin... thing, that feels like there is a hair thin sheet over everything that keeps away full clarity

it's like trying to touch textured cloth through those thin sandwich bags and you have an idea what that texture is but you cannot have it in full

if that even makes sense

i am so desperately trying to find the impulse of the day that actually kickstarts my brain because fuck me it is so fucking frustrating

it makes me think of shit i really should not because that is how relapses happen

but in short i do need to fucking sleep more than 3-4 hours per day because it is really fucking damaging on the long run both physically but especially cognitively

i mean i've been living with this for a long time so it's nothing new but fuck it feels like i'm constantly on an edge i barely even knew existed

in conclusion SLEEP MORE but fuck it's not easy

(nothing serious, i just really needed to get this out of my head)

[asl-sparebrain]

I'm annoyed. I never wanted to say fuck you to our head director more and i even caught him flat out lie into my face which i could prove with paper. But asking me in an hour earlier, cutting my already abysmal sleeping hours shorter for absolutely no fucking reason is just plain assholery. I have no problem coming in early if no one can make it but there is four people already in who can open the same fucking room for the maintenance crew.