ah ah—we agreed. you said tonight you’d eat until I said you were done. and I say you’re not done yet.
you can’t eat anymore. you're sooo full?
well babe, I think you can. I think you want to. you like how it aches, how your clothes have gotten tight, how you’re so full you can barely move. and now I’ve got you pinned down, and we can’t let these donuts go to waste, can we?
it’s so cute, watching you squirm. you keep whining about how stuffed you are, but when I say open your mouth, you do. even if you’re moaning around every bite. the seams of your clothes can barely hold you in.
ooh you did so good for me. let’s take care of that poor belly, hmm?
there was definitely a period of time in my life when i thought that i was asexual. i think a lot of feedists, and in general, people with fetishes and/or very strong kinks, can sympathize with this uncertainty. i tried for many, many years to have the sex most people seem to desire. it caused me so much embarrassment and shame and pain. nothing hurt more than the disappointment from people i cared about who didn’t understand my reluctance to do certain things or the anxiety i always felt in bed. i even, unfortunately, took the path that a lot of feedists/FAs take and purposefully avoided dating/having sex with fat people for fear of making them feel objectified or uncomfortable. could better communication from me have made this all easier? definitely. but i simply didn’t know for a very long time what i truly wanted or how to properly articulate my desire. and even so, it’s difficult to talk to someone about an unconventional fetish you have that they don’t already share. you might ruin things with someone you care about. and the thought of a fat person feeling uncomfortable after i tell them about my feelings, or if they simply realize it in the moment? i could never put someone through that. even if things turn out okay in both those scenarios, you always run the risk of hurting yourself or others. perhaps honesty in these situations represents a trade off between short term embarrassment and long term pain, which is a good thing for both sides, but it can still be a very hard thing to do.
so yeah, i thought i was asexual for a time. part of my confusion in regard to this was my struggle to fully understand what asexuality even means. this is how i’ve come to understand that term over the years:
asexuality is when you’re not interested in what society broadly views as “sex.” that is, at least in a heterosexual context, you may not be interested in PIV sex, oral sex, making out, potentially anything that falls under that category. that’s not the stuff that drives you, that’s not what you’re looking for or fantasizing about. you might still be a very sexual, horny person. it’s just that, for lack of a better term, “mainstream” sex, whatever that means to you whether you’re gay, straight, etc, isn’t what you’re into.
there’s probably a whole world of writing on this topic and i’ve really only scratched the surface, but that’s what the term seems to mean based on what i’ve read and observed. but sometimes, i’ll see asexuality described as a total lack of a sex drive. you’re not interested in anything or attracted to anyone. the other day i saw one of those kink jar type things and there was a “hypersexual” to “asexual” slider, with those two representing opposite ends of the same spectrum. so for the purposes of that slider, asexuality is the lack of a sex drive? or is this in regard to how strongly you desire “mainstream” sex? i truly have no idea. i think a lot of that “it means you don’t have a sexuality at all” idea that most people think about when it comes to asexuality comes from most people having no conception of sex outside of “mainstream” sex. to them, and i’m just talking about heterosexuality here since it’s where my perspective is, if you don’t like PIV, you’re asexual. going back to that spectrum and my possible understanding of it, an “asexual” person could still be “hypersexual,” but that hypersexual desire is directed towards something other than “mainstream” sex. there’s likely some other, better term for someone with no real sex drive at all, but i’m currently unaware of what it may be.
but after being lucky enough to experience feedism and other kinks in my life, i realized that i’m not asexual. simply put, the “mainstream” sex i was normally completely uninterested in was suddenly far more appealing when i was engaging in it with another feedist who i already was very physically and emotionally attracted to. there’s still some things i need to figure out. for example, being with a fat feedist girl made me desire PIV sex for maybe the first time in my life. i tried it before many times in the past, but it never felt good until then. is that the only kind of person i want to do it with though? i’ve been with a skinny feeder only once and had no interest in doing it with her. is it because she was skinny, or was it because, as i realized later, i actually wasn’t attracted to her emotionally or physically (regarding things other than her weight) at all? the jury is still out on that one.
but in general, i know that i can definitely, and happily, engage in and fantasize about “mainstream” sex when it’s mixed in with feedism/fat admiration, the central fetishes that dominate my sexuality.
if you are a feedist or someone with a strong fetish and consider yourself asexual, more power to you. i support you and who you are, and i hope you find happiness and love. but for people like me who have been teetering on the fence, the only way to know for sure is to try. make the effort, live this out with people who share your desires. exploring feedism can be a unique way to express sexuality outside of “mainstream” sex. and if you also desire that “mainstream” sex, it can be included into feedism so easily. feedism in general can provided such a rich tapestry of desire and connection, so no matter where you fall, you’re going to have a good time.
if a lot of this seemed obvious to you, good. congratulations. i’m happy you’ve been able to do that work on yourself. but for those who are still confused, still searching, i hope this resonates with you and helps you along the path to self-understanding, fulfillment, and happiness.
god, I love this and feel like I could have written a lot of this about my own journey of figuring out how I relate to my sexuality. I’ve also grappled a lot with asexuality as a term and a concept, and have found it useful depending on who I’m taking to. identifying as ace has felt like it erases such a big part of my sexuality, which for me shows up how OP is describing for themselves: more normative sexual desire typically only exists with other feedists or in the context of feedism somehow.
I get resentful that I feel like I need to use a label that feels wrong to me just because my sexuality cannot be understood in the limiting and normative frameworks that are available to us. and yet, if I’m talking to someone who isn’t a feedist or not at least kinky, I do still use the term ace because I’m not interested in normative sex on its own and am at a place in my life where I would choose not having sex over having sex that feels hollow and unfulfilling.
the more sex I’ve had with other feedists, the more clear this has gotten for me. I’m still working through a lot of grief in the understanding that in most cases (never say never), normative sex without kink is off the table. while I would love to want that too, I don’t, and I know (from experience) trying to make myself want it caused a cycle of shame and repression that I’m not willing to go back to. I’m sure this will continue evolving as I do, but I love this post and always feel so comforted by learning that others have similar experiences to my own.
Taking you out to eat. You getting so full you’re low-key embarrassed about it. Sneaking you into the toilets. Hurrying up because we both can’t fit in a stall. One hand rubbing over your swollen belly, the other between your legs to show how proud I am of you.
not in the fun flirty way. i mean actually, literally, take me apart. feed me until i can't walk without waddling, until breathing feels like a chore, until my body is nothing but soft, heavy proof of your obsession. i want to be swollen with indulgence, stuffed past reason, spoiled beyond recognition.
i want to wake up in a haze of hunger and syrup-sweet affection, only to be greeted by another round of force-fed breakfasts in bed. i want you to look at me like i'm your prize pig, your project, your possession.
i want the teasing, the pressure, the constant, creeping growth. i want the way you’ll sneer when i say i’m full, the way you’ll smile when the scale creaks louder every day. I want your hands everywhere, greedy and proud, shaping me like clay into exactly what you want.
no escape. no diet. no mercy. Just feed me.
i want to be broken—beautifully, thoroughly—by appetite.
i want to be yours in the most obscene way possible. a thing you keep fattened, pampered, and pumped full of calories until i’m unrecognizable. until i'm helpless. until my body is a bloated, quivering monument to your obsession and my surrender.
don’t just feed me. force me. hold me down and pour milkshakes past my lips until i’m whining and leaking and begging you to stop, even as my gut growls for more. make me cry from fullness, then coo in my ear about how proud you are. tell me i was made to be this soft, this greedy, this round.
push me to the brink. watch me struggle to lift myself from the bed you’ve made my prison. slap the side of my belly and laugh when it jiggles for seconds after. make me wear tight clothes just so you can watch them give out, seams snapping like they’ve finally admitted defeat.
you said you wanted a pig? then feed me like one. treat me like one. no dignity, no limits. spoon after spoon, bite after bite, until i’m gasping and drooling and too heavy to fight you. make me need you to eat, to move, to breathe.
make me forget who i was before you turned me into this.
just a swollen, spoiled, overfed mess made for your pleasure.
Oh my dear, I can, I can do more than this, a lot more, so much so you will be worried and scared but so happy. even if you are so fat and full you are helpless and vulnerable to me if I feel like a funnel moment is called for, your fullness is irrelevant.
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