the bad and the good

theme credit: zeloid/mariel

[asscial]

To the voice in my head, shut the fuck up. 

I’m sick and tired of your debauchery, of your tomfoolery, YOUR CHICANERY. 

I just don’t know why we act like this... idk why I act like this. 

I should’ve asked.

[asscial]

5/31/20 

date with my clown

we went to the park for a picnic and painting. 

it was so nice, at first it felt weird not seeing each other for so long but then we fell back to our groove. 

i got there first, she was a little late but lmk that she might be a little late. 

i bought banana chips, sutton home chardonnay, and a roast beef sandwich and also brought watermelon, cuties, pretzels, and biscoff cookies and she brought cornbread, quinoa/chicken/kale, brussel sprouts. 

it was really good. we started by eating and talking about our interests cuz she told me she didn’t really like roast beef cuz of the sandwich essence and how every sandwich has the same 3 or 4 components like lettuce, tomato, etc. and how she found out im not the biggest fan of cornbread but sprouts KNEW what they were doing with this cornbread. and then we talked more and she took pictures of me and we took pictures together and it was cute. we laughed a lot. it felt like it did in the days before the pandemic. 

we reminisced about new york, how we both wished it lasted longer and if it weren’t for the pandemic, we could’ve explored more. i told her about how i wished we would’ve stayed in and ordered food and she agreed. then we painted each other!!!! she named the portrait Buff Baby cuz she gave me buff arms and i painted her face and mountains surrounding it and it’s called “Mountain Mama”. it was so much fun, we listened to jazz while we painted. 

then we listened to her “songs about cities” playlist and listened to them a bit and we also sang new york by st. vincent together and there was one moment where I was about to hold her hand and then she grasped to hold my hand. it warmed my heart. 

then eventually we packed up and went to her car to jam and vibe to songs and talk. we talked about our insecurities. it was nice, soothing even. i kept thinking to why she was late though, because she’d told me about her day and the last thing she did was watch netflix but it’s in the back of my mind like how could you forget, i was texting you throughout so how could you have forgotten about it/been delayed??? i should’ve asked her when she said sorry about being late. 

anyway, we listened to music in her car then eventually reparked so we could make out a little. it was nice. then there was a lickity split and we left. she said that it was good we did this, for our relationship. i agreed, it felt nice. that thought of why she was late kept creeping back into my mind though... 

[asscial]

are you afraid of commitment?

are you afraid of getting hurt again?

are you saying this to protect yourself so that you don’t feel as hurt if it happens?

you wouldn’t be saying these things about not guaranteeing anything if something didn’t happen... seriously. 

and if nothing happened, then this is your fear of getting hurt speaking is how I see it. 

I love you, so much. I do. When I said that I wanted to get married eventually, I meant it. I mean it now, even. There is always going to be the possibility of things changing but that doesn’t mean it’ll be for the bad or where we split up. It could mean for the good kind of change where we do get married. 

If you mean it now, say it now. Don’t feel guilty about possibilities because that’s what they are, just possibilities, not certainties. If you mean it now, say it now presently. If your feelings change, don’t say it. 

What about your friends V and U? They’ve been together all these years and look at how happy they are. They’ve been through so many tough things and still made it out of it. 

You said the thing about how we’re young and there are so many life experiences we’ve yet to have. What did you mean by that? 

I really want to talk more, this is confusing and when you first said it, that means you meant it in the moment and then and when you kept saying it, then you meant it right? Obviously not as of late because you said that you were just saying it to make me happy. Don’t do that shit, that hurts more than you not saying it and being honest with me when we talk about it. 

It’s hard to think anything other than something happened to provoke this as in not physical (could be physical) with someone else but. Idk. 

You said you’ve had these thoughts for a while, that means that something must’ve provoked it. So I’m just wondering what happened. 

[lagodilot]

[asscial]

Reflections in Real Time

I remember this one particular snippet of that conversation we had yesterday, how we all have those thoughts, etc. but that “that doesn’t mean we should act on them.”

Suppression, even though it’s there. It’s sad. I feel sorry for you. That you feel the need to suppress and wonder what if you explored those feelings yourself. I’m sorry that the society you grew up in wasn’t as open and accepting as the one I’m growing up in.

Just because you think I should define myself by this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. You’re ashamed of those feelings that you’ve experienced but I’m not ashamed, I’m not ashamed to be who I am and so fucking what if I feel that strongly about it being a part of my identity? You have no right telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing when it’s my life (as No Doubt once said). It’s my fucking life. I will live it how I want because it’s the only one I have (as far as I know) and life is too short. I will not stand by and let you say what I can and cannot do and live unhappily. That’s not the way this is working anymore.

No one knows how to be the perfect parent but that doesn’t mean you should try to remain unchanging or to decline the possibility of change just because you’re so caught up in trying to “be right” in order to prevent me from living my truth and being happy, I won’t take that shit and pretend to act like everything’s normal because the only thing that will do is confirm your need to act in that way again to make me feel like shit and continues the vicious cycle. I’m not waiting on my knees asking you whether it’s okay to do something or not, not anymore. I hate that this is a mask to try to keep your control over me so that I can be exactly like you but that’s not the function of a parent. Not to make a mini me which is actually really damaging and hurtful to the kid but to encourage their growth and self exploration and to never ever judge them for the things they like or how they dress, etc. It’s to encourage their exploration of style, music, etc. So long as they are not harmful thoughts towards themselves or others. The purpose of a parent is not to force your own unrealized expectations of yourself onto them in hopes of seeing it realized. Your purpose is to make sure they become kind individuals. To guide them into being strong, self-thinking individuals and to make sure they do not impose harmful thoughts and feelings that you’ve imposed onto them. Your responsibility is in helping them be better, better than the generation before and adapting to changes because change is nature. Think about that.

[asscial]

i want to move out

and go far, far, away

to where no one knows me

and i can do whatever the fuck i want

without having to think twice about the repercussions even though they don’t necessarily hurt others

well, not hurt but affect. but that’s not to say it would hurt people. 

i wish you were as vocal/active in expressing your emotions

i wish you showed your love more 

maybe it’s me alone with my thoughts, i don’t know.

but, still. it was different in the beginning. 

i don’t know what to make of this. i wanted to have a good laugh and watch mean girls but fucking Hulu and Amazon decided to act up. 

i’m watching part 2 of TATBILB and there’s a lesbian couple, i love this. i miss her. i wish she would express it more too. or something. 

i’m trying a let them come to you thing. distance makes the heart grow fonder type thing. idk. there was a phrase for it but I forgot. anyway, i should go. im going to listen to sad songs and watch corny ass movies. 

[asscial]

you say that the reason we go is because they are family and you know that they won’t go out, will stay safe. 

but yesterday, this man with mask lowered was there, 3 ft away from one of the family. 

now i tell you about it and you get upset because you won’t let me go.

you ask me: what am I supposed to do? 

well, how about not doing things to be a hypocrite. 

i’ll stay 6 ft apart. i’ll wear my mask. 

i don’t know if im just being mean but i feel like you’re reacting that way to get me to not go.

also, i like my alone time. that’s never changed. i like watching my own things and you guys sometimes watch something i dont want to so i go up. i also spend a lot of time in my room not just doing my things but also talking to my gf because im not even allowed to see her. this is the only way i can. 

to be honest, i just want to move out. i want to. so bad. i need to save up though.  im TIRED. it would be easier if i didn’t live here anymore. 

[asscial]

i appreciate effort. lately, maybe its the distance but, i feel like it’s been more one sided. maybe im just too in my head. maybe its the loneliness. i love the fam, but i also miss hanging with friends, laughing about the dumbest things. 

[asscial]

sometimes i can’t tell if my memory is messing with me or i really didn’t do / actually did things. bitch we boutta strengthen you so i remember EVERYTHING from here on out

[asscial]

so what?

that’s it?

you have the final say one when we should talk about things? 

what the fuck is that?

this is supposed to be two way communication. 

and you just leave me hanging with the

“ ican’t talk to you about anything when there’s this huge ass suffocating elephant in the room”

and then just leave that there to rot and fester on my screen.

what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to feel? 

i’m absolutey lost on waht you could be talking about.

im trying to think on what it could possibly be but there’s nothing coming up.

my mind is blank. 

what if this is the end?

what if the elephant is the situation with my parents as in me having to stay int eh closet? 

what if its about him?

i can’t control the situation with my parents, you’v eknown since th ebeginning. 

for the second, i really hope its not this and that maybe im just overthinking

what kills me is that i want to talk about it so bad and yet here you are saying you really dont want to talk about it and i have to respect it. 

what the fuck am i supposed to do, twitddle my thumbs while i wait for you to decide when we should talk about it and then im supposed to accept it and then talk about it?

[asscial]

at this point,

i don’t know what to do. 

i feel like whenever i point out something, you immediately shut down. 

and i mean for either party, it would make the other feel some type of way. 

but you don’t want to talk about it. 

and idk what to do. 

and i’m reduced to just accepting it because you don’t want to talk about it or aren’t in the mood to talk anymore.

and the voice inside me is like “it’s what you said/did” (in this case said cuz all we can do is talk because of quarantine” and like i dont hear from you the whole day (i guess intermittently) but even so, you don’t want to talk. 

maybe that’s selfish of me cuz maybe the reason is you really dont want to talk for a separate reason, having nothing to do with me. 

but i’m left to pick up what’s left and scratching my head. 

it just really feels like i did something/said something wrong and that i have to really watch what I say, like the smallest things. 

idk. i just want to cry in frustration but i’ll wait until everyone is asleep. 

you’re so used to years of shoving everything down and dealing with it on your own because no one understands or can’t see what you’re seeing. but maybe in order for other people to notice what it is they’re doing wrong, you need to say what’s going on. im just frustrated, so damn frustrated. and this distance doesn’t help. it’d be easier to -

i stopped typing because i realized she had sent me saying that her wanting to be alone had nothing to do with me. well, i’m happy she at least opened a little bit, even if just a crack or creak of a door. 

it makes me sad that she is sad and i can’t do anything that’ll have an immediate disappearing effect on her sadness. it’s mento illness, love innit? 

that was my half-hearted attempt at keeping things light. 

i miss her. i miss when she would open up more to me about how she was feeling but i think since i said that one thing naively actually naively translates to stupidly, it’s been harder for her to open up because i don’t understand. 

i want to tell her im learning how to love her not in spite of her mental issues but the opposite of in spite of i forgot what the word is. anyway. 

i wish there was something to cure it immediately, like elderberry and thyme or some weird combination of home remedy. 

i have so many feelings, i think it’s better that i open up about them to feel more relieved than unconsciously keeping it in. i didn’t realize just how often i would suppress it and move on by distracting myself with a show or tik tok. 

bye for now, 

me

[asscial]

24 miles

it’s never been a barrier, no

we’ve always made it work

12 is ours, ours only

love in the time of corona

i’ve never felt it’s presence as strongly as i do with your absence

seeing you in the flesh felt brand new.

i longed to hold your hand, kiss your face, and whisper in your ear to tell you i love you with my whole heart,

but i couldn’t. 

this virus wouldn’t allow it, society wouldn’t allow it, hell my mother wouldn’t, either

stupid virus

i hope you spontaneously combust and go out of existence

it hurts so much, for what seems like always 

i never knew just how much i missed you until we saw each other again, being cautious to stay 6 ft apart

it hurts,. 

i guess new york was our gift from the universe to give us all the time in the world together before we’re cursed with all this time apart for who knows how long. 

Six feet thrashes, writhes, causes a commotion in my heart. 

it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

Six feet apart... you fucking bitch. 

[asscial]

i hate this incessant feeling

stop, shut up you whore!!! 

stop talking in my head, leave me the fuck alone!!!! 

i can’t wait to get out of quarantine to hang out with friends so i can stop being so dependent on s.o. for happiness. 

i would like to be stabbed metaphorically. right in the place that thinks too much. anyway. i hate myself for feeling this way.... i keep seeing things about trusting my intuition but idk. 

maybe it’s the paranoia talking. 

[asscial]

tbh, i feel really alone. 

like no one cares

and that shit hurts

i reach out 

but it seems like no one cares

i hate myself for taking friendships for granted

being alone sucks

i wish i wasn’t such an ass when it comes to seeing people in the streets and saying hi

but what i do instead is pretend like i didn’t see them

idk why 

it feels like

there’s no one 

and i don’t wanna go out with the fam

i wanna go alone 

which is sad 

anyway, i’m going to distract myself now

[asscial]

The beginning of the beginning of forever

yesterday (3/6/20), i worked until 12pm worked in the library finishing my applications for post bacc submitted them and also got my ducks in a row. had the meeting for my club where we discussed our upcoming fundraiser. then met up with my baby at public works where on the way there she called me and impromptu suggested we go to lake las vegas with a bottle of wine and to take pictures. we got there and it was so freaking serene, like we weren’t even in Vegas anymore, Toto. we got there, parked, and walked down the steps of the parking garage down to the water and hazel took tons of pictures as she does which makes me happy because she loves to do it. then we walked along and eventually went to a wooden set of stairs with only 5 steps total but it was away from where all the people were and we sat down on it but not before she got pictures of me posing on it. it was then that I knew i wanted to propose to her there. it hit me like a ton of bricks, knocked the wind out of me in the best way. i wanted to write this down so later down the line when i decide to propose, i’ll remember where i thought would be a great place to do so, of course away from the people as neither of us want to make it a public thing. it was such a beautiful end of the day, the wind just cool enough so we’re not sweating but also not feeling chilly. we were just taking pictures of each other and i realized then and there that I wanted to propose to her there. i mean it was in henderson aka hendertucky but there was something about it. who knows, i’m thinking lake mead too where we had our first date. i can’t wait. 

[asscial]

for a lot of my life, i had to ask permission, for everything. whether that was what shoes i could buy, the clothes i could wear, how i spend my money, how i act, live, breathe. 

i didn’t realize how big of a hold they used to have on me but i find myself learning to break free of that hold and fighting back, instead of taking it and losing the things that i love or are also important to me. 

i was scared back then, of having no home, no family, no one. it was a giant possibility weighing on my shoulders but I knew that i always wanted you and that we would end up together. it’s difficult, especially because you’re not used to not meeting the parents and granted, we’ve had some rough patches. but my love has never waivered, it’s only become stronger. i think back on everything that’s happened and if I hadn’t continued to persevere with this despite the first time around it ending because of my home situation seeming like it was in limbo, then we wouldn’t be where we are today. and im sorry that i hurt you, i really am. and i can feel that you’re still scared of the possibility of losing me, that’s why you’ve been acting different, more hesitant on coming in full force because you’re scared of losing me again. but that won’t happen, i won’t let it. i love you so, so much, more than you can even know. and i’ll fight for you. to the ends of the earth, the universe, even beyond that. you’ve brought such a huge light into my life and i was happy before we met but now it’s a different kind of happy. of having the possibility of sharing both of our happiness together to make an entirely new happiness entity. i love you, Hazel. i hope in time you’ll be able to become more comfortable openly loving. 

[asscial]

everything is still here. there’s a crow. he walks funny... but i like that.