Diary

[asthmatickid-blog]

wedding ring Maybe it would be better If I never shined so brightly And maybe I could have it all… Maybe it would be better If I just kept quiet And maybe I would be able To have it all… If only you knew That you were lucky Not becoming someone like me Because you can still have it all The stardust in my eyes Were soaked by my own tears If only you knew how lonely I was And how I am slowly drowning in my own darkness Tell your wife That you’re grateful to have her Even if you decided to keep the mask on… You’re so lucky That you can have a family Something that people like me Can only dream of… The moment you left me And put on that ring You were able to have it all… Exhaling clouds from my lungs Realizing that you wanted something I can never give you And what your family want… I pray to the good lord That you won’t even think about Breaking her heart And I hope you won’t leave her Standing all alone at the door You should know you’re so lucky But it made me wonder If you still loved me Even after you put the ring on And left me by the door I’ll be forever alone…

[asthmatickid-blog]

space

I knew that I can’t be the only star

Within the endless darkness

I was always the black sheep

In every place I’ve been to

Life’s something I can’t seem to figure out

I realized that I never belonged

So I decided to brighten up

I don’t wanna be forgotten

So I want to be brighter

Till’ you have to cover your eyes

Otherwise you’ll end up blind

Always remember that no one’s a mistake

And I realized in time

That I don’t have to change

Damn, I had enough

In that planet

I was too dumb

In that planet

I was too loud

Been changing spaceships

Heading out to different planets

But neither of them

Felt like home to me…

Been to relationships

Heading out to different routes

But all of them were filled with regrets

I was victim of my damn self

Distracted myself through music

Till’ my ears bleed

Distracted myself through the city lights

Till’ I go blind

I used to run away from my mistakes

I realized I’ll never change

But I don’t want to keep on running

So I had to face it

In that planet

I was too thin

In that planet

Fuck it, I don’t belong to any crowd

No matter what planet I’m in

I felt like an alien

With no sense belonging

I’m tired of trying

I guess I’ll always be alone

I’ll look up to the starless sky

Gonna kickback and relax

I’m not scared anymore honey

I’m here baby…

[asthmatickid-blog]

Rebound

I have sinned against so many people Not only God My loneliness led me here I have now made a choice But I know it ain't time for that

My head is plagued by guilt I'm ready to confess That you were just a rebound If only I knew before I signed the contract 

I know that I'm with him But I'm still in love with you Yeah I know that I made a mistake...

Tried to fix my broken heart With his shattered heart Even if the pieces didn't fit

I made a mistake I was still in love With the person before him

I can't stop hearing the voices Drown it all with music And turn the volume up

I loved the feeling of being with him His warmth and arms around me But I was pretending it was you Cause you are so far away And he was just standing there A thirst that can't be quenched with water

He was a mistake He wasn't the one But I haven't left

It didn't work out He wasn't for me It wasn't his fault

It was a dream That I pretended Like it was fairytale

I can't stop hearing the voices Drown it all with music And turn the volume up

He was better And I can see a better future with him But I'm not happy with him Compared to being with you

Yeah I made a mistake A big mistake Now I gotta take it back

I wanna go back to you Can I come back to you? I know I've sinned against you...

[asthmatickid-blog]

Kindness

It was Christmas eve

And I was 23 years old

When I had enough of the bullshit

Of people being so nice to me

When they want something from me sexually

Turning into ghosts

The moment I open up my heart

I guess I can't seem to stop

Making the same mistakes

Because I had hope

That all men aren't shit

But I was dumb enough

To believe in fucking fairytales

Now my feelings got bruised again

I can only count my real friends

On one hand

And I was so desperate

To have more of them

And that was my mistake

My boyfriend ain't even one of them

Gave them my trust

That can be earned so easily

I know that I am foolish and young

But I am exhausted of hoping

So I decided cut y'all off

Because y'all ain't shit to me anymore

I'm tired of being nice to y'all

But I'll keep on showing kindness

Even if it hurts me

You can keep on being part of that world

Where naked bodies

And sexual frustrations reign supreme

I hope you find happiness

I wish you all the best

I care about myself

I have respect for myself

And I know that

I'm more than a naked body

A tool for your sexual release

I can tell you

That I spent my entire childhood

In isolation out of fear

Like every single one of you

But spending 2 years of my early twenties

In a crowd where I felt in a way I belong to

But now, I wanted to be isolated

From every single one of you

I'm going back to a call center

Where the realest people are

Spent the entire two months

Thinking and dreaming what my future

Would end up like

Having conversations with the voices

Inside my head

They all convinced me

If I keep being a part of it

I'll end up the same way like how they did

All I wanted

Is to have a friend

Who will truly understand me

A sense of belonging was what I wanted

Is it such a sin that I wanted to belong?

I'm tired of being nice to y'all

But I'll keep on showing kindness

Even if it hurts me

You can keep on being part of that world

Where naked bodies

And sexual frustrations reign supreme

I really do wish you all the best my dear

I care about myself

I have respect for myself

You can say that it's just human nature

And how guys are scientifically

But I'm not having it

I'm tired of being nice to y'all

But I'll keep on showing kindness

I'd rather get myself hurt

Than to be heartless like all of you...

[asthmatickid-blog]

Dream

I thought it was true

And I really believed it was true

But I was just dreaming of you

 Remember that day

When we met each other

You made my heart

Beat a little faster

 But moments like that

Is usually going to be the best part of it

And that’s a fact

 The moment your skin touches mine

Is going to be the beginning of the end

 It’s always going to be a dream

Even if we are both awake at that moment

 I thought it was true

And I really believed it was true

But I was just dreaming of you

 A kind of sadness

That will linger on forever

To the point

That we end up committing sins

Desperately looking for “happiness”

 I wonder till’ this day

Wondering how you are today

But I can’t even tell you this directly

Especially when you never really cared about me

 And I end up feeling a bit bitter

On how things ended

Between the two of us

 Because you are the only person

Who was able to see

The darkest parts of myself

That never even saw sunlight

 Never let your trust in people

Be used against you

People will always be selfish

And will always care about you

When they want something from you

Whether it is money, things or your body

Only going to be thrown away

The moment that you give it to them

 It’s unfortunately something

That is common in this era

 You left me

Without even saying goodbye

I guess I just have to let you go…

[asthmatickid-blog]

Belong

I know that I belong nowhere And I have finally given up After years of trying To find that place I just accepted the fact That there's no place Where I truly belong Too skinny, too girly Not sophisticated enough Not smart enough Not funny enough Not even an ounce of good looks I guess I'll never be good enough So I realized on that day That I am never gonna be Part of your games So I decided on that day That I don't have to belong anymore I guess i'll just have to love myself And move on Dilute your personality Create a shell of muscles No trace of femininity Because those are the demands of society Especially if you want to realize Your sexual fantasies But I changed my mind Create an identity of my own After years of refusing it to show I don't want to be like you Or anyone anymore I guess i'll just have to love myself And move on Maybe the road I'm about to chose Is gonna be a lot more difficult Maybe the person That I really wanted to be Has no future at all But I don't care about that anymore I'll take my time I'm gonna live my life Only time could tell Even though I'm all alone And never belonged I'm happier than I was Or more than before I don't have to belong anymore I guess i'll just have to love myself And move on

[asthmatickid-blog]

Volcano

I know that you wanted to be free And be with other guys I know that I bore you Got me feeling like Britney Won't hold it against you If I can only tell you How much I want it to be perfect I can get mad jealous But I can keep quiet Yeah we can make this open Cause I know that's what you want Asked permission from me But only after you've done it Like a bird You want to be free Like the other couples Like a volcano I keep it dormant Won't tell you how I feel Like a volcano Just wait till my feelings explode I'll cause damage boy So much boys that you like And keep on meeting them But claim that I'm the only one Yeah I got that kind of an account But only for the shows Sure, it's fine that you want one But never figured You'd meet one of the stars Sure claim it's all platonic With the pics they sent you Give me a reason to believe Like a volcano I keep it dormant Won't tell you how I feel Like a volcano You make me so cold Turn my burning passion to stone Should I keep on Shutting myself up And let this build up Be that open-minded guy you want Should I keep on Letting you do the things You want to do But things I find this depressing Like a volcano I keep it dormant Won't tell you how I feel Like a volcano I'm an observer My eyes is watching you

[asthmatickid-blog]

09/25/17

As the dream starts to fade away A bright light wakes me up Opening my eyes to a room Filled with darkness As my eyes started to sting And tears started to fall I wipe it all away with such haste I don't want him To see me this way I know that this may be Just an act of insecurity I guess it's just me realizing That the dream I hoped Will never become a reality But how can I keep on pretending That everything is fine Knowing that you're seeing Someone else other than me? How can you have time for them While you don't have time for me Maybe I'm just seeing things From my own perspective I'm just being childish I was acting I'm okay with it Being such a fool I was trying to be That cool boyfriend Who gives you that much freedom I'm really sorry for thinking that way I wish you'd just stop saying That you love me While hugging me And touching my lips with yours If you really love me Then why are you Meeting those other guys Did you not think How I would feel Especially I willingly put myself Into this isolation Just so I can Spend more time with you Because I loved you... But the dream has come to an end And I was able to finally see The true representation of yourself I was never smart enough To understand when to speak up Whenever I get hurt I lost so many So I decided to stay quiet While ignoring these feelings Building up in my heart Put a smile on my face Just so I won't risk losing you... It's something I've accepted You don't have to change It's just who you are...

[asthmatickid-blog]

Nicotine

Your kiss makes me so weak Your skin touching mine is how we speak But damn at times it makes me sick Why sex is the only thing we could relate? The same damn routine I'm starting to hate Like a cigarette It's you who I crave Sex is what you want But my heart is what I gave You're my nicotine, baby My mind is getting kinda hazy You came in my life and saved me But I'm starting to hate you... You suffocate me a little bit You're a bit toxic to me Put me in that little cage Keep me from being free I'll quit the habit Even if it drives me crazy You're my nicotine, baby My mind is getting kinda hazy You came in my life and changed me Oh baby, oh baby I hate you I know what you desire Heat me up With a flick of fire You're my nicotine, baby My mind is getting kinda hazy You came in my life and changed me Baby, I can't live without you

[asthmatickid-blog]

maybe someday

After his endless search Of something meaningful Innocent and young Whose hope shines brighter Than the morning sun Now fully engulfed in darkness By the sudden realization Of the bitter truth

He is not as shallow As you think he is Despite what you’re seeing right now

Once upon a time He was never afraid to be himself I was envious how smart he was Something that is often unnoticed

Loneliness & maybe a bit of sexual frustration Led him to a path Often traveled by many

Instead of gaining attention From his words alone He ends up taking his clothes off Showing every inch Of his supple skin

He has grown tired Feeling unnoticed… Unloved…

It was a shame He should never have changed His mind used to be so dazzling Now being overshadowed By his naked body

He was drowning In his own tears and loneliness All he wanted was the attention And the affirmation That he is worth something Maybe worth being loved

It’s too sad To see him going down this route Traded his own identity To something everyone demanded

A trend for a lot of people In this generation Who finds love through sex And using sex To mask their own vulnerability And act as if like they just don’t care

From something meaningful And hard to find

To something temporary And easier to get

Is this where our generation Is headed to?

Is it still a safe place To be yourself? I don’t think so

After so many years Of failed relationships And countless hookups I am not surprised That you have become the man That you are today

You don’t have to apologize Especially when those Who caused you to be like this Never even did…

Used to live for love Now your whole world Revolves around sex

I just hope someday You will be able To be yourself again…