Yelling into the void - prologue
Its been over 10 years since I originally started this account and honestly I can't stop thinking about continuing my silly little digital diary as the world continues to burn and I continue to only rage internally. A lot of times, I don't share my feelings or thoughts on shit because I personally feel that my voice doesn't add much to the conversation, or that people sincerely don't care and won't listen. The regression is honestly pissing me off because I was not a nervous or quiet kid, and I didn't care what others thought when I shared my opinion before because their feelings were never my priority. I'm trying to embrace that part of me - the fearless little fucker that couldn't care less about what other people thought of me and my choices. Its jarring to experience the social anxiety NOW as an adult - like I don't already have my issues and problems and systemic oppression to deal with on the daily but like go off, brain?? Maybe this practice will help me communicate more authentically or at least get all this stuff off my chest so I can breathe easier ... either way, I'm going to run with it and you are more than welcome to comment or reply to help a little weirdo feel a little less alone in a world that is simultaneously too big AND too small.
edit: I realized that I should probably reintroduce myself. I am Eve and I am a glorious 27 years old, which is the oldest I thought I would live to see. I'm Bi, pretty furious like all the time, no college degree and no fucks to give about it anymore - idk dude I'm not sure what people want to hear and it kinda pisses me off that I'm trying to figure out what to say that will appease the masses when that's exactly the thing I'm trying to train myself NOT to do. Okay lets try this - I am the eldest of 2 girls raised in Arizona, mostly claws and teeth but sometimes I can be nice, I suppose. Only to those that deserve it, at this point. My dream is to still work in some form of education or outreach, but in a way that challenges the current system and provides accessible information for the community at all age levels. I paint and I draw and I sculpt and I sew and I make jewelry and I crochet and I weld and I can cut hair and I can do drywall and I can make a mean cup of coffee and I can help people feel validated with little more than a 5 minute conversation and I know how to do a lot more things but I feel like its a better judge of character that someone knows how to do all the things in an effort to improve their individual and communal standard of living. The state of the world continues to break my heart every single damn day and I still get up out of spite, which is something I can thank my high-school self for establishing early on. I am incredibly dissatisfied with the current state of my life but I'm also dating a really awesome guy that honestly feels like I made him in my mind - I'm not sure how he looked at me and decided we were a good idea a couple years ago but we're still going strong and I sometimes hate that I fell in love with the biggest dork at the end of the world when all I wanted to do was go out in a blaze of glory with no one waiting for me at home. I am trying to figure out how to table at art events and sell my art while also coming to terms with the fact that selling art feels a little silly with the world being as it is right now - I'm trying not to let it stop me, though, and I haven't made this much art since high school. I am learning how to navigate family relationships after moving back in to help during the pandemic. Turns out putting down my anger and hurt feelings for past events is much easier said than done, but its nice to see how much my family has grown and healed and maybe we can heal together (eventually). I have spent the last 4 years consistently going to therapy and it feels like every day is a challenge - no one tells you that living and breathing is the greatest adventure, especially when it feels like we're living in some fucked up simulation that was cooked up by dimwitted assholes with too much money and too much time on their hands. Here's to living and loving in weird endtimes and if you read all of this, thanks and I hope you're having a nice day because its what you deserve. If nobody has told you today: you are valued, you are loved, and you have every damn right to be here and make your presence known <3
