empire ants.

* ----- if the whole world is c r a s h i n g down fall through space out of mind again where the emptiness we leave behind on warm air rising b l o w s all the shadows far away. newton halstead. xix. sophomore. elene keo. xxxii. history professor.

[astrcphiiles]

+ @ofervdition ( for anne )

   she must have looked ridiculous, engulfed in a robe with her hair wrapped up in a towel, but it was the most relaxed elene had felt in weeks --- arguably even months. there was nothing like a massage to forcibly remove all the tension she’d been carrying, and it seemed the facial had helped to fix how tired she looked. it wasn’t magical, but at least the puffiness had gone down and her skin was brighter, the dark circles under her eyes had yet to disappear, but that was nothing a little concealer couldn’t fix.

   however, by far the best part of it all had been having time with anne. the woman had almost forgotten how much better she felt after spending time with others, especially after weeks of wallowing in her hotel room, with nothing but shitty room service and netflix to keep her company --- and anne ? she was better company than most.

     “ what one should i get ? ” she asked, turning to anne, holding up two polishes, one burgundy and the other a deep blue metallic as the pair sat, getting their pedicures, wearing one of the first genuine smiles she had in a long time.

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

     i’ve had a crush on you since i met you.

     mari’s eyes widened at the confession, halting in her her steps to turn back towards newt. her expression flooded with disbelief as she looked up at him, wondering if she heard him correctly over the music. the idea of newt liking her more than a friend was something out of a dream but one she hadn’t expect to actually come true. she attempted to replay every interaction of theirs over the time they’d known one another – and truth be told, she could have never fathomed picking that up. she’d always assumed he only wanted to be friends. the brunette had accepted that because having him in any capacity was better than having him at all. maybe that was why she tried to search elsewhere with scout.

     but the idea of having him fully ? holy moly.

          ‘ you have ? ’ mari whispered shyly, a smile forming on her face. at first, it was a soft one. but the more she thought on newt’s words, the smile brightened into something so wide and elated that no one could take it from her. her stomach was practically doing somersaults as she turned back fully to him, nervously taking a step back towards him. god, she couldn’t believe this was actually happening. that her gamble pay off. 

     shakily, she reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder. ‘ – s-so have i. ’

    the time between when he spoke and she replied felt like an eternity, newt’s heart racing as he waited for her to respond. he couldn’t bear to lose mari again, she was too special to him and he couldn’t have every imagined her actually liking him back. the thought that maybe he had heard what she was saying all wrong was far too real, his heart racing in his chest, his heartbeat thudding so loudly that he barely heard her reply.

      so have i. 

    the smile he had lost in that moment of panic at the thought he could have ruined it all returned, the boy unable to stop it even if he tried --- which he wasn’t, he was far too ecstatic to care that he looked like a grinning idiot. mari was practically the girl of his dreams: smart, sweet, caring, beautiful --- he could barely fathom the idea that she liked someone like him. but she did, his smile only growing wider at the thought of it. she liked him, she actually liked him. 

       “ i wanted to say before that you, uh, you look really pretty tonight. i mean, you always look really pretty but, you look pretty tonight too. really pretty. ” he was rambling, but he could barely get his head around the fact that she liked him too, the grin showing no signs of falling from his lips.

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

     mari’s eyes widened as her knees knocked into him, a response to the sudden halt of the dance. the initial reaction made her wonder if she should have kept her mouth shut and shouldered whatever lingering weirdness may have cropped up. after all, newt could have been ignoring the whole ordeal for a reason. but then his question was out in the open and it was the tiny’s brunette turn to blush a deep red. god, which was more mortifying – the fact that he hadn’t been pretending that it hadn’t happened or the idea that he hadn’t realized it was real ? as she battled that question in her head, her thin arms awkwardly slid away from his neck to wrap around her small frame, as if to protect herself from this conversation.

          ‘ i, uh – yeah. it did… ’ she tried to keep the embarrassment from her face. god, this had been a terrible idea. ‘ and even though i wanted to, it shouldn’t have happened like that. i-it wasn’t how i imagined we – ’ oh god, she was going to throw up. this was a terrible mistake. abort. ‘ never mind. ’ the simple word was rushed and meek as she kept herself upright. ‘ i’m sorry. i just thought – forget i said anything. ’

     and with that, the brunette retreated into herself and turned away. prepared to dash.

      even though i wanted to

    surely now he must be dreaming, her following words were lost, newt now certain he had heard her wrong as he stood in front of her in utter disbelief. not only had they kissed, but mari had wanted to kiss him. for someone who was relatively intelligent, he couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the idea that mari might actually like him in the way he liked her. she was so smart and kind and good, the idea someone as amazing as she was might like him back was never something that had crossed his mind. especially when she had liked scout, they were almost the opposite to him. he couldn’t help the large grin that spread over his lips as her words replayed in his head, smiling at his feet, in disbelief as a warm feeling ran through him. ironically, almost forgetting that mari was there for a moment as he was so caught up in his thoughts about her, only realising he had been silent since her words as she turned away. 

      “ no --- mari i --- ” he took a deep breath, unable to wipe the grin off his face as he stumbled over his words, “ i wanted --- i’ve liked you for so long, i just, i can’t believe that you, and me, i thought it couldn’t be actually real, that i must’ve dreamt it up. i just... i’ve had a crush on you since i met you. ”

    his words trailed off slightly newt suddenly very aware of the words he had just said, cheeks turning a deep read.she had been so drunk, worry flooding him for a moment --- maybe she had just been so drunk she would’ve kissed anyone --- that she would’ve wanted to kiss anyone, the boy awkwardly coughing as fear tugged as his chest, feeling oddly exposed. 

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

          ‘ i don’t know about good. i just copy cora, really. ’ mari admitted with a flush of her cheeks, wondering if that was too much information. instantly, she felt mortified. perhaps it was obvious how much she attempted to mimic their best friend’s vivacious confidence but that didn’t mean she had to say it out loud. it made her even lamer than she already was ( if that was possible ). the tiny brunette fell silent for a moment, fingers absentmindedly fumbling together behind newt’s back. anxiety cropped up in the pit of her stomach, wondering if now was the time to venture into the conversation that needed to be branched. but thankfully, he spoke up again.

     at first, mari blinked in surprise at what he was saying. but soon, an appreciative smile formed on her delicate features, doing all she could to not squirm or blush on spot. ‘ thanks, newty. ’ she replied softly. he probably could hear her over the music. but she’d been super self-concious about the costume that cora had put her in, thinking she wouldn’t be able to pull it off. it felt nice to hear otherwise.

      although, he could just be acting as his normal nice self. maybe he didn’t mean.

     before her thoughts spiralled out of control again, mari released a shaky breath as she glanced up at him, worry in her eyes. god, this could make or break her but she knew it wasn’t best to completely close the door on that really weird night. ‘ i–i just wanted to say i’m sorry again. ’ her voice was so meek but mari pushed through. ‘ not, uh, just because i was b–being weird afterwards. but for even initiating things that night. ’ kill me, kill me, kill me. ‘ i… crossed boundaries when we, uh – y’know… when we – ’ hooked up ? what the hell was she supposed to say ? ‘ – kissed and i’m sorry. i just don’t want things to be weird anymore. i know you haven’t been bringing it up because you probably want to forget. and i know you didn’t mean it like that. we were really under the influence and that’s okay. ’ 

     it wasn’t. but she was willing to pretend it was if it meant they could go back to the way things were.

      “ wait... what ? ”

    he must have heard her wrong, she couldn’t have said kissed. his brown furrowed as he halted from dancing, heart suddenly thumping in his chest. he surely must have heard it wrong --- girls like mari deserved more than guys like him. girls like mari didn’t even like guys like him. she deserved so much better. it couldn’t have been right --- it was wishful thinking, she must have said missed, or.... anything else. surely. 

    but his mind flashed thought back to that night --- maybe his imagination hadn’t been as active as he thought. he had thought he’d dreamed it, surely she hadn’t actually kissed him. but what if it had been real, a feeling of something between disbelief and shock washing over him as he seemed unable to comprehend it. he’s managed to convince himself it was all fake, but now --- the more he thought about it the more real it felt, her lips on his, his hands on her --- a blush creeping onto his cheeks as thought about it, brows still furrowed in some disbelief. 

       “ --- that actually happened ? ... i didn’t dream it ? ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

     mari couldn’t help but keep her wide smile in place as newt spoke. she liked hearing him talk ; it was soothing in a way she couldn’t really describe. she was sure she could close her eyes and allow it to envelope her. the thought passed through her head before she suddenly felt embarrassed about thinking such a thing. god, get it together. instead of allowing herself to be distracted by his presence, the small brunette forced herself to pay attention to his words. ‘ – well, hopefully they taste similarly enough ? except they’re healthier. and y’know, better to eat than butter. ’

      oh my god, was she sitting here talking about cookies ? how lame could she be.

     her cheeks reddened, teeth sinking into her lower lip though she significantly relaxed once newt agreed to dance. mari knew him doing so was a miraculous, near olympian feat and she didn’t have any intention of letting it slide them by. nervously, mari reached out to take his hand, internally praying that she wouldn’t make a fool of herself as she tugged him towards the dance floor. 

          ‘ you acted like i’m good. we can be terrible… together. ’

     a nervous giggle slipped from her lips as the song faded into another, though the expression on mari’s face immediately perked up in excitement and recognition. ‘ oh, i love this song ! ’ she announced over the music, attempting to shield all anxiety as arms carefully wrapped around newt’s neck. here went nothing. bobbing her head along to the intro, the small brunette suddenly blanked out on any and all dance moves that cora had shown her and instead focused on singing along to the words. she probably looked like an idiot but oh well. it was newt. she felt comfortable being herself, no matter how idiotic that was.

            and everybody’s watching her — but she’s looking at you.

      “ you’re not terrible. you’re a good dancer --- way better than me anyway. ” newt scoffed with a shake of his head, “ you’re like a cheerleader and everything and uh, you always look really good when you practice... i mean uh, you’re like good at the routines and stuff. ”

    he bit his cheek to stop himself from rambling on, though instead his brain only hyper-focused on everything else. newt wasn’t sure why he was so nervous, worrying whether his hands were clammy as he felt his heart racing. he was so pathetic --- she was his friend. he had to get over his feelings for her. everything that had followed the last party had only highlighted how important mari was in his life, he wasn’t prepared to lose her friendship, even if just friendship wasn’t all he wanted. she was so important in his life --- he needed her, and he couldn’t risk that.

      “ oh, uh, yeah --- it’s good. ” he had no idea what the song was in reality, but he just shoved a smile on his face as mari wrapped her arms around his neck. her touch relaxed him slightly, at least from the thought of the dancing as he shuffled back and forward to the music. he’d never had any reals sense of timing or rhythm --- he was too lanky and he ended up always looking far too awkward. 

    her touch might have relaxed him from dancing, but the proximity only made him more nervous. she always managed to have an effect on him, trying to ignore the turning in his stomach and instead focus on her, a smile growing on his lips as she began to sing --- she looked so pretty... 

      “ you, uh, you look really p- i, uh, i mean your costume looks really good --- i’m not sure if i told you. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- luca.

luca knew he looked ridiculous; in the biggest girls’ cheerleader uniform he could find in riverbank’s cheer closet. yeah, he could have opted for the male’s version of the uniform, could have had pants, but he thought this was more fun and funnier. still, he always had to make sure his compression shorts stayed somewhat folded up to not look ridiculous peaking out from under the skirt. to do so, he moved out of view of most of the activity bustling about. 

when he heard the annoyed voice, he wondered for a minute if the woman was annoyed at his “cross-dressing.” he didn’t even noticed she was there when he came over. “uh, not really? i was just fixing my costume.”

      “ right --- sorry. ” had she really stooped so low she was snapping at students now ? she needed to get home, stop snapping at people who were trying to enjoy themselves, and definitely stop casting a depressing shadow in the corner. the professor needed an early night, maybe some soup in front of a good halloween film --- though she was only fooling herself if she thought that was really going to happen. 

      “ i’ve had a long day, that’s all. i didn’t mean to snap, ” the woman forcing a smile on her lips, “ are you having fun ? ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

          ‘ good ! i’m glad ! ’

     her smile brightened as she gazed up at him adoringly, giving his hand a light squeeze. that was all she wanted ; the three of them deserved a fun and easy night. ever since this year had started, everything seemed to be so chaotic so it was nice to stay still for a while. especially nice that it was with newt. to answer the question, she nodded her head a bit eagerly as her gaze returned to the dance. ‘ i’m glad you liked them ! i tried a new recipe – coconut oil. good thing they turned out okay ! ’

     god, she was rambling. she had a tendency to do that in his presence. teeth sinking into her lower lip, the tiny brunette shifted her weight from heel to heel as she tried to shove away the fluttering in her stomach. the last time they were in these surroundings they’d been so drunk and high and all over each other – and yet she remembered every second of it all. it made her heart race and wondered if it was finally time to bite the bullet and clear the air. it was probably going to be mortifying but at least, it wouldn’t be something she would shoulder alone.

     don’t be a coward, mariana. for once.

          ‘ yeah, i’m having so much fun. ’ mari responded genuinely, but a bit distracted by her thoughts. tucking a brown tress behind her ear, she offered newt a shy smile as she nodded towards the dance floor. maybe she could get rid of the anxieties in a more physical action. ‘ – do you, uh, maybe wanna dance ? just one ? then we can go somewhere quiet. promise. ’

    she was so pretty. a goofy smile spread across his lips as he felt her hand squeeze his, a lazy expression of happiness on his face as he looked down at her. he’d missed this. her smile. hanging out. since he had started at riverbank the small brunette had managed to make herself a permanent place in his heart --- whether she had intended to or not. he’d missed her too much in whatever awkwardness had followed the last party, newt determined to make this one better for the both of them, not sure if he could deal with much more drama.

     “ well they’re really good, i couldn’t even tell the difference ! ” he paused, realizing that maybe that wasn’t the point --- he’d never been much of a cook himself, microwave-anything his specialty. “ well i mean, maybe they do taste different but, uh, they both taste really good so that’s the main thing right ? that they taste as good as each other ? ”

      he cleared his throat, somewhat awkwardly as he finished his ramble --- he was a mess and it was only ever heightened around her. tonight it seemed even worse. he wasn’t sure if it was because he was just tenser than usual ( he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t ruin the evening by smoking this time ) or if it was just the fact that she looked really good. 

      “ good, good. ” the boy muttered with a nod, too distracted by his own thoughts to pick up on her tone, browns raising at her suggestion. “ uh --- okay, yeah, uh, s-sure. ” he hated dancing in truth, he was too tall to do it properly, though mari could have asked him to jump off a cliff and he would have likely obliged. “ i’m not a good dancer but, uh, as long as you’ve been warned. ”

[astrcphiiles]

   halloween. it was such a stupid holiday. sure she may have abused it in her early twenties, taking any excuse to dress up as a sexy something for a night --- but americans really put their festivities to shame. sure, it might’ve been fun last year --- but today she was dreading the fact she was going to have to face the halloween fair to get to her car.

    she might’ve swigged a wine spritzer to keep her company for the walk out but she needed it, the asprin not quite getting rid of her headache as she left her office. it only took two steps before hit with the noise of everything around her shoving on her sunglasses despite the fact it was an autumn evening. though as she dodged the overexcited students on her way out she couldn’t help but spot the candy apples --- giving in her better judgement and getting one ( they’d always been her favourite ), sitting down to eat it in a rather depressing fashion in the quietest place she could find. 

      “ can i help you ? ” her tone was more annoyed than she meant, squinting up at who had cast the shadow over her.

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

     mari hadn’t to expect to have as great of a night as she ended up having. perhaps it had to do with her wariness over the last big social outing but she’d felt extremely reluctant to come out for this one. but it ended up being worth, despite the agonizing hours it took prior to for cora to perfect her hair, makeup, and costume. the tiny brunette thought she looked ridiculous but her best friend insisted she looked hot. but anyone who knew her knew she didn’t place much stock into her appearance.

     the night had been a flurry of activities with her best friends – from the haunted house to candy apples to the pumpkin patch ride. all night, they’d received compliments on how cute their joint costume was. perhaps the most attention the three of them had gotten at this university. now, mari stood against the wall, leaning against newt as she watched cora on the dance floor with a smile on her face. it was nice to see her having a good time, especially with how rough things were at the moment. and it was very nice to be back next to newt without any weirdness between them. just happiness and comfort.

          ‘ are you having fun ? ’ she inquired, wide brown eyes flickering up in her best friend’s direction with the brightest smile.

    god he hated parties. newt had never been a social person, his idea of fun had always been staying up late and binge watching tv shows or taking a road trip to roswell. he especially hates halloween parties --- he’d never really enjoyed dressing up, it tended to take up all the effort he needed to actually attend.

    but tonight... it hadn’t been so bad. sure, he might’ve looked ridiculous dragging around the dog soft toy ( and had nearly dropped it in the haunted house ) but he had been enjoying himself with cora and mari. after everything that happened the last time he’d been forced out, it was nice to have a good time without any stress. it was nice to hang out with mari again after the weirdness that had been between them too--- plus, she looked hot, not that he’d actually say that of course.

      “ yeah, ” an honest answer as he smiled down at the girl, not quite matching her enthusiasm, but he meant it, his arm draping around her shoulder to pull her in for a side hug, “ i am --- it’s been a good night, plus the cookies you made are really good --- are you ? ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

     mari felt her heart sink with every word that newt said. of course he didn’t remember, of course. the realization that she was left alone in the memory of what had transpired was enough to crush her but she tried to keep her head held high. that was difficult, though ; that much was evident by how her trembling hands gripped the mixing spoon, the heat suddenly overwhelming. whether it was from the stove or from the panic spiking through her body, she couldn’t be sure. all she knew was that she wanted to wither into the ground and avoid this conversation at all cost.

     just tell him.

     cora’s advice echoed through her mind but mari wasn’t quite sure if she could. wouldn’t it change everything ? was that a risk she was willing to take ? teeth sinking into the flesh of her lower lip, the tiny brunette blanched when newt began to apologize, eyes widening in surprise at the path that this was taking.

          ‘ no, no – newt, no. this was not your fault. ’ the last thing she wanted was for him to blame himself ; it hurt her heart to see his expression filled with such regret. her far too high empathy swathed her entire being and before mari could even stop the impulse, she dropped the spoon to close the space between them and wrapped her arms around him for a hug. 

     a slow exhale slipped from her lips as she squeezed him tightly, wanting nothing more in the world in the moment than to see her best friend smile again. after a moment, she pulled her head back to look at him seriously: ‘ i will always want to be your friend, alright ? always. even when we’re really old and wrinkly. you – you mean the world to me and you have nothing to apologize for. okay ? i’m sorry if i made you think otherwise… things have just been – ’ god, she couldn’t say it. 

          ‘ i’m sorry. ’

    his body relaxed as soon as he felt mari’s arms wrap around him --- his mind too, stopping whatever worried spiral it had been on as the small girl hugged him. he was confused at her actions for a moment, his thoughts having convinced himself that she hated him over the time since the hospital, but he shouldn’t have been, not really. he knew mari well enough to know that she wasn’t the type of person to stay mad, it only taking a second before he wrapped his arms around her too.

      “ you don’t need to apologise. ” 

    newt shook his head, arms giving her a squeeze of reassurance as she looked up at him, “ sometimes things can just be... ” he trailed off giving a shrug, “ you know --- i get it. ” he offered her a smile, finally relaxing slightly from his thoughts, “ i’ll always wanna be your friend too --- even when you’re old but you’ll look better than me anyway so... ” he shrugged again, smile still on his lips, “ i was just worried i’d done something and i’d never want to do anything that would make us stop being friends. you’re really important to me. ”

    he gave another grin, a wider one his time, not wanting to be the person to break their hug. it almost felt familiar in some way, the male not being able to concentrate on why, shoving those thoughts from his brain, just glad that he still had his best friend --- he’d deal with whatever else he felt for her later, being her friend was the most important to him. ever since he’d met her she’d manage to make herself such a presence in his life he wasn’t sure how’d he would manage without her in. he’d already risked it once, he wasn’t planning on doing anything that might risk it again, even if it included swallowing his feelings. 

      “ so we’re good ? ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- cora.

“my dad pays around £140 for stilton every christmas. buys it from the same company the queen does. and that’s full of mould so if anything, i’d say it’s more sophisticated this way.” if her friend needed validation then she’d gladly give it to him.

cora furrows her brows then, thinks back to those vague memories of gcse science before shrugging. “you’re asking the wrong girl there. i’m sure you’re right.” after today’s dilemma had been resolved, the blonde tucks her legs beneath her and gets comfy. preparing to not move for the rest of the evening, or at least until mari called out for dinner. “what’s the verdict? discovered a new culinary great?”

she lets out thoughtful hum, “alright. i nailed it in rehearsals but did less well on a theory assignment. what about yours?”

      “ £140 for cheese ? no cheese can be that good, ‘specially not moudly cheese. ” newt pulled a face before giving a shrug, “ least i’ll fit in with your folks, i’m just getting my fix for like.... a dollar instead. ”

      “ either way, if i end up dying it means i don’t have to do mid-terms so it’s not even really that bad if you think about it like that --- not like they can fail me when i’m dead. ” he was in the middle of another bite as he spoke, maybe if mari had been there he’d try a bit harder to seem less gross, but cora and him always seemed to be on similar wavelengths. “ eh it’s okay -- just tastes like a stale cheese sandwich. dunno if it’ll be going for £140 anytime soon. ” though apparently it was good enough to keep eating, the male taking another bite.

      “ i’m sure you did fine. ” newt replying as he ( for once ) tidied away, shoving the cheese back in the fridge and dusting the bread crumbs from the table top to the floor before he sat down. “ it was fine, nothing eventful really. i nearly fell asleep in one of my lectures but i didn’t so, that’s good i guess. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- tyrese.

          ‘ then WHY the hell did you do it ?! ’

     ah, there it was – the renowned anger that ty had always tried to shy away from. the bellow seemed to echo throughout the entire apartment, rendered even freddie silent who now cowered in the corner. teeth clenched together, the man immediately regretted the tone as soon as the words were out of his mouth. his mom had always taught him not to raise his voice at a woman. it was disrespectful and he knew better than that. but the version of himself that he crafted during his time at riverbank had dissipated into the raging kid he’d been on the streets. it wasn’t healthy for it to build. like a fucking volcano.

     but goddamnit, elene brought it out of him.

          ‘ you just left. no fucking explanation. like the past five years meant nothing ! ’ he tried to keep his frustrations more contained than his initial outburst but ty’s voice quivered as he spoke. ‘ like it was fucking easy. and you’re standing here in front of me now and you won’t tell me shit. how the fuck is that fair ? ’ gesturing between the two of them, ty shook his head, rubbing his calloused hands over his face as he tried to control his breathing. 

     in, out, in, out.

         ‘ you can’t keep talking to me about regret and shit when you haven’t shown an ounce of it. ’

     “ i don’t know. ”

    her words came out as barely a whisper, barely heard against the echo of his voice, her body flinching at his shout. god she felt awful, she wanted nothing more than for the floor to swallow her up whole, for her to run away and crawl into bed and cry and cry and cry. she hated this, what had happened between them, what they’d become, but mostly she hated herself. she always managed to sabotage anything good in her life and all that ever followed was chaos. she never learned and she didn’t know why. she knew she was a coward, that she had panicked and did what she had always done, run to avoid anything that might make her hurt. it might have worked in the past, with silly boys she’d never loved --- but ty was different. she’d only managed to make everything worse. 

      “ don’t tell me how i feel. ”

    her voice was still barely above a whisper, breaking mid-sentence as she spoke, her throat raw as tears continued to spill from her eyes, hands angrily brushing away the tears as she let out a frustrated grunt --- she’d created a nightmare she couldn’t escape from, the anger, the hatred, she had at herself bubbling over as she spoke.

      “ what do you want me to say ? that i left because i got bored, because i didn’t want this --- because i didn’t love you ? ” her voice raised slowly until she was shouting, her words choked and breaking from her tears. “ because it’s not true. it’s be easier if i didn’t love you. but i do and being with you was the best thing that happened to me. i wanted to marry you --- i don’t know why i did it. i’m stupid, i’m a coward, pathetic --- whatever you want to call it. i panicked. you started talking about the future, about having kids, about --- stuff and i panicked i --- it wasn’t easy to leave, i don’t know why i left and it was the worst fucking decision of my life and i still did it anyway. ” the words had started and now they couldn’t stop, her voice raw as the tears continued to spill down her cheeks. she was barely making sense as everything that had been building up in her started to spill out. thoughts since she’d come back, before she had even left,  “ i don’t know if i want kids --- i still don’t know --- i don’t know what i want or who i am and i got scared so i left. i’m a coward. i’m no better than her --- i - i’ve never been alone. i’ve always been with someone or someone else’s version of myself. what if you had realised i wasn’t what you wanted or that i wasn’t good enough for you. i thought i needed to be alone to figure things out, i thought if i went away it would become clearer. i just wanted to be someone that was good for you but i’m NOT --- i ruined everything. how could i be with you when i can barely even stand myself, when i don’t even know who i am. ”

    she was almost panting at the end, her heart hammering, only managing a shrug as she looked at them, as if she’d given up.

      “ how could i come back and say i left to figure out what i wanted when all i figured out is that i want you, that i wanted to be with you ? i sacrificed the one thing i’ve ever wanted because i’m a coward --- i’ve been selfish enough already. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- alejandro.

for most of the kid’s first year, ale kept asking himself why exactly this particular student had held his attention. not the most outspoken in class ( to be fair, he hated those kinds of students anyway ), maybe not the most clever. but newt had a certain mannerism about him, something that reminded him of himself when he was younger. no frills, no pretensions. no preoccupation with making himself a spectacle. strange to see in riverbank.

he waited for a response before he began eating. raf was busy with his department, raina had some miscellaneous work, and while there was really no shame involved in eating alone outside — but the weather was blustery, and a leaf was certain to fall into his food. the cafeteria was the last option, and when newt confirmed his solitude — ale felt mild relief.

  “ mind if i sit here ? ” he said, keeping his hands ready to tear apart the plastic wrap. “ relax, i’m not gonna pop a surprise quiz on you. ”

    newt wasn’t sure why he was so afraid of disappointing ale. no --- he did know, he was just more afraid to admit it to himself. ale reminded him of his dad, his enthusiasm about science, little mannerisms they both had that he picked up on. the professor had grown to become the father figure he’d missed for so long and while the male enjoyed spending time with him, notably more than most other students, part of him was terrified at the thought of replacing his dad if he admitted it, and admitting it would only open himself up to more hurt, so he just ignored it. 

      “ course i don’t mind. ” newt mumbled, mouth half full again as he spoke --- his manners really weren’t the best, he seemed to lie on the either extreme of being very uncomfortable or far too comfortable with others. “ is the staff room busy or something ? ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- anne.

       “ oof, doesn’t it ? i need one tonight. bath bombs and all. ”

and with that, she took a ceremonial bite of the cinnabon, recoiling immediately once it reached her mouth. good grief, that was sweet. excellent, of course, and her next bite was soon after. she’d treated her teeth too well for the past few years ; surely this wouldn’t hurt. spending the morning with elene, complaining to each other about nothing in particular — it was the best way to start the day around riverbank. 

“ please, if you needed a bottle, you should’ve got a bottle. ” besides, history was a huge department, and there was no way that there wouldn’t be even a single person ready to cover. “ if you needed me to, i could give a couple of your lectures. all i need is a bit of a brushing up, i studied the renaissance way, way back. ” ah, the joys of liberal arts ; knowing a little bit of everything. after polishing up another big bite, she spoke with a hand covering her mouth.  

                “ boring as always. but, you know. friends was airing. ” 

       “ i might join you in doing that, there’s nothing better than a good bath bomb sometimes. ”

      sure, there was going home to somewhere that wasn’t a hotel to someone you loved, rather than being alone and drinking her feelings --- but she’d screwed up her opportunity at that so it seemed like a hot bath, wine and a bath bomb was going to have to suffice. a small sigh left her lips as she joined the woman in taking a bite, glad she hadn’t opted for the whole one, this much sugar early in the morning would surely come back to bite her at some stage.

      “ you’re too sweet for your own good you know. ” elene replied, smile on her lips. anne was truly a ray of sunshine. “ i couldn’t possibly let you do that though --- i just need to learn how to have some self control. it’s better for both me and my credit card so... ” she trailed off with a small shrug as she took another bite, waiting to finish before she spoke again. 

      “ reruns are all well and good, but we should do something one evening. ” she could do with the company, between everything with raina and ty she had done an awful lot of avoiding people, and you didn’t get company much better than anne. “ go out or something --- ooh ! or even have a spa weekend. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- mari.

          ‘ so do i… ’

     cringe. god, what even was this conversation ? if this had been a mere few months ago, mari would have been able to fill in every bit of silence with something to say to newt. talking with him had always come easy. it didn’t matter the topic – her classes, what she’d had for lunch, the music she was listening to when she worked out. there was such a comfort with the guy before her. but ever since the party, it felt like that sacred connection had been broken. the brunette had no idea how to get it back but god, she missed it.

    she missed him.

     nodding absentmindedly, mari glanced in newt’s direction as if to show that she was listening to him. but almost immediately, her cheeks burned red and she glanced away once more, focusing her attention back onto the bubbling pot. it didn’t seem to get easier being around him. all it took was one look and she practically relived the sensation of his lips against hers, his fingertips against her skin – 

     we haven’t talked in a bit. her heart ached to hear him say that. the last thing mari wanted was for newt to think that she was mad at him. it was difficult to be around him, yes, but she wasn’t mad. for weeks, she’d been trying to build up the courage to broach this conversation and now being faced with the chance caused her very nearly to lock up. but it had to be done. for the sake of them.

     right ?

          ‘ since the party… ’ the tiny brunette confirmed meekly, gripping the counter tightly in fear of passing out on the spot. teeth sinking into her lower lip, she glanced over her shoulder at her best friend. ‘ – do, uh, do you remember much about it ? ’

      “ yeah... the party. ”

    all it took was mari mentioning it for guilt to wash over him once more --- he’d been such an idiot. he should’ve been there to keep an eye out for her, made sure she was safe, not go home off his face only to wake up to her being in the hospital. he’d taken their friendship for granted --- been selfish --- and now he guessed he was paying the price.

      “ i, uh --- not really. ” he mumbled a little sheepishly, pushing away the tightness in his chest he felt at the thought of whatever weird tripped out dream he’s had of them. “ i was pretty high --- i, don’t even really remember how i got home. ” he gave a shrug, “ i remember getting there, and making a sandwich and that’s pretty much it --- why ? ”

    he picked at his nails as he waited for her to answer him. he was sure something had happened between them to do with the party. mari wasn’t a vindictive person, but newt wouldn’t have blamed her if she felt mad at him for not being there. he almost expected it --- besides it would whatever had been up with them both lately. part of him might have even expected it. after his dad, everything with his family had gone to shit --- he’d done nothing, just like he had done last time and he’d managed to go and screw everything up again. 

      “ i’m sorry --- about everything. ” he found the words came tumbling from his lips before she had a chance to reply. “ i get it if you’re mad at me --- i should have been there when everything happened. it was selfish of me. ” he knew they’d talked at the hospital, but maybe she’d changed her mind since then. “ if you don’t want to be friends anymore i get it, i was dumb, just know that i didn’t mean for it like that. i wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin our friendship. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- tyrese.

     ty kept his dark gaze on freddie, knowing that if he dared to meet elene’s eyes that he would probably crumble. instinctively, a surge of anger rushed through him. he’d always prided himself in not needed people. the way he grew up, people were more than likely going to leave him. drive bys, taken away by the system – it didn’t really fucking matter. and he supposed he never realized how closed off he’d been about it all until he’d met her. everything before that was nonsensical. elene had soothed his furious soul when she waltzed into his life as much as she’d incited it once more when she left. 

     funny how that worked.

     instead of speaking instantly, he turned away from the woman and ventured towards the fridge. going through the motions of collecting a bottled water from the inside, ty found himself gripping it a bit tighter than usual as he stepped back over towards her, unable to even plaster a fake smile onto his face. he’d attempted to be compliant through this entire ordeal ; it seemed easier on her behalf. but having her back in their home, speaking as if they were strangers… it stirred something in him,

     he’d never been good at holding his tongue.

          ‘ what the hell happened to us, elene ? ’ the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, holding the water a bit out of reach as if to pull an answer out of her. jaw clenched, ty finally settled his eyes on her in disbelief as he shook his head slowly. ‘ how– you’re so fuckin’ okay about this. how ? ’

      “ you think i’m okay about this ? ”

    her words came out sounding much harsher than she had intended. her voice was strangled as she fought the words out, silence following them only broken by a whimper from freddie, her watery hues finally looking up to lock with ty’s angry ones, a look of despair washing over her face. what had they become ? his own anger had seemed to bring out the anger she had pent up inside, not at him, but the guilt she had from leaving, the hate she had for herself for ruining everything, for screwing everything up as the tears she had fought so hard to keep in started spilling down her cheeks.

      “ how could i be okay with this ? ” she spat out her words in the same strangled tone, but her voice was weaker this time, defeated, filled with disgust at herself, what she had brought them too. their home had always been a place of happiness for her and now she had tainted that too, just like she had ruined them, tearing apart everything that made her happy. she was destructive --- no wonder raina had left, perhaps it was just as well she had turned into a carbon copy of her parents, whatever this was, it was far worse than what they had created. 

      “ do you think i didn’t regret leaving the minute i had walked out ? it was the biggest mistake of my life. ” the tears were spilling from her cheeks hard and fast now, her words choked and broken by her sobs as they spilled from her lips. it was too much to be here fighting, angrily wiping the tears from her cheeks as they continued to fall. 

      “ there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t wish i’d never done it. and coming back --- seeing you... ” she let out a frustrated grunt, as her words caught in her throat, “ how would it have been fair if i had come back and asked for you to take me back after what i’d done ? it wasn’t fair for me to pretend like i was anything but fucking fine --- but i am not okay about it. ”

[astrcphiiles]

* --- poppy.

she’d done a full year. the surprises of teaching were now long gone and she was about as settled as she’d ever be. professor bryant had begun to suit her much more than ms ever did. but the damn 8ams were enough to force her into early retirement ( something she was more than equipped for but would likely die a boring death if she did ). she wasn’t sure who had ever started the myth that it was only the students who dreaded them, the faculty  here had long since busted that. “what sort of friend are you?” she tuts, but there’s a ghost of a smirk.

with a huff she sinks lower into her seat, chugging whatever kale concoction she’d switched out for coffee that morning. some last minute fad to cut caffeine out that was failing miserably. “best to give it a go, just in case.” poppy snorts then, the corners of her lips twitching. “suppose i’ll give it a go. just hope i don’t give one of the bastards a heartattack. would be a bit awkward.”

    usually, it was late night lectures she hated. nobody would ever show for them and she was so drained from the day you had to wonder what the point was in showing up to talk to thirty people for an hour. plus late nights would mean she’d miss time that could have been spent cuddled up with freddie on the couch, or having a nice dinner with ty. but all she had to home to now was an empty bed and she was exhausted all the time, she’d rather have the extra sleep.

      “ i’m sure it would be the greatest moment of their life, even if it only lasted for a second --- and even so, it’d be a great way to go. if you’re going to die you may as well go by way of a beautiful blonde. ”