aut inveniam viam aut faciam

"One word, love: Curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day, you won't be able to resist."

[thoughtcascades]

shoutout to the part of me that keeps functioning

[schizoid-hikikomori]

So much of the human experience is defined by how we react to things, even if we don't consciously think about it.

People like to define "humanity" as the emotions/empathy/sympathy/love you feel. Anhedonia and apathy combined with alexithymia is considered inhuman. No ordinary person would know this terminology, but when they see it in people, they consider it a "wrong" or "strange" or "inhuman" way to exist.

People might just assume you're depressed if you're not enjoying anything you're doing, or if you're unresponsive in a social situation. But when it comes to something dramatic, like a societal tragedy or a relationship issue or a death or something similar, if you don't react in the way you're expected to, you're judged.

These judgements could be in good faith, maybe they assume that you're in shock and you don't know how to react. But others will assume you're heartless and don't care at all. It depends on who you're with and how you navigate the situation overall, how your reaction will impact their reactions.

Beyond the surface level, it's also the little things, how you react to birthdays, holidays, marriages, pregnancies, medical events, children, elders, etc. We are a society highly defined by interaction with other people. When you don't interact as expected within your respective culture, you're looked at like something other.

I know what it's like to feel things, at least, I have some sort of memory of enjoying things and feeling strong emotions, but they feel so much like a distant memory far beneath the ocean's surface—muffled, colorless, far away, unreachable. Thinking back on memories don't trigger emotions for me anymore. Despite this, there's still things I don't like talking about, but that I can remember without triggering those traumatic feelings.

I'm sure the change seems drastic to people who've known me since I was a child. Or they didn't notice, which seems to be about right. I became so good at keeping things internal that there's so many things I haven't described even to my mother about my childhood, where she thought I was doing perfectly fine in the messes that were going on.

I started feeling like I was dying at the start of high school and that feeling never left. I feel like I've decayed and I've become something inhuman.

(Photo from the other night.)

Imagery like this was always something I connected with even as a child. Dark hallways, bare tree branches twisting up into the sky like twisted little things, dark churches (which I owe to having grandparents working at a historical church), dead forests, cemeteries, and other gothic imagery.

Now, it portrays the things inside of me that are difficult to verbalize. I do it in my artwork, I do it in my writing.

Even though my novellas are all very different stories, they contain very similar details, relating to an often cynical and unlikable protagonist, themes of bodily identity, neglect of self care, and how we appear to others. As for my art, I don't really like explaining it, especially my art that's unrelated to any of my stories. Writing artist statements for gallery showings and suchlike things has always been dreadful. I'd rather it just speak for itself.

So in the end, I consider myself something inhuman. It is not something I reject or am ashamed of, for I've lost my ability to feel shame. There's no reason to deny the truth.

[resqectable]

“Too often, the only escape is sleep.”

— Charles Bukowski

[asurrealconundrum]

2024-04-11

I dreamt about finding him last night, and I felt both happiness and disappointment. In my dreams, he was someone who was wearing a bucket hat, with tattoos from his legs to neck, and constantly vaping; the complete opposite of what I saw back on December 9 – opposite to what I fell in love with.

I think the dream was the materialization of my worst fear if I ever meet him again. And the lines from the Obsidian Bride are nagging in my head:

“If you saw that boy’s face, your feelings could change too. Maybe it was him who changed his mind. Your love experience seems to focus more on a fantasy. Instead of loving the person’s true self, you love the image you wanted them to have. You fell in love with someone without knowing their true face or identity.”

What if my feelings right now are based on the fantasy that I created in my head? Because I made an image of the person I want to be with; He is neat, quiet, and shy, he likes FOB and sings along to their songs, and he is respectful to service staff and not forceful. What if I meet him and turns out all my thoughts of him are wrong? Will I accept him the way he is? Or will I walk away carrying my unmet expectations?

I kept convincing myself that when we saw each other at the FOB concert, I wasn’t ready for anything. Even now, I don’t think I’m ready to enter any relationship. I don’t want to end up like Gladys who’s comparing the guy she’s dating with someone else right to his face. Financially, physically, and mentally, I know I’m not ready for someone right now and I’m really thankful to God for positioning me where I am right now, but I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s been 4 months already, these feelings are too long for someone I didn’t even talk to. I can’t stop thinking that I want him to be the next person I fall in love with. I don’t even think I can open up my heart to anybody except for him.

How can I even miss someone this long when I didn’t even get to know them? Is this the result of the guilt I felt when I saw how sad he was? I even tried rationalizing what’s happening to me and found this article, but it just gave me false hope that both him and I might be “connected on a fundamental level, beyond physical appearances or circumstances.” What if he’s the ‘someone’ deserving of such intense and tender emotions? What if he’s the one who will fill the ‘void’?

I keep on wishing with all my heart that we’ll meet again and that both of us will finally have the courage to talk to each other. I keep on praying, “Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you.” I hope God will allow us the perfect timing; when both of us are ready to take in each other unconditionally and irrevocably. But for now, I’ll remove his photos in my cellphone with the hope that this longing will go away. The article is right, I have to immerse myself in the present and the grounded reality of my life. I have to work on myself in order to be the best version of me. I don’t just want him to be deserving of my love, but I want to be someone deserving of his love as well.

[thoughtkick]

“Beware of destination addiction: The idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.”

— Unknown

[catchymemes]

[perfectfeelings]

“You can never recover from losing a person you love, but you can find a way to let it be part of your life rather than letting it take over every part of you.”

— Darien Gee, Friendship Bread

[joytri]

[asurrealconundrum]

12.09.23

Fall Out Boy Concert in Manila

An open letter to the guy in Starbucks Araneta Coliseum

I want to say sorry if you thought I didn't pay any attention. I did, the whole damn time. And I want to thank you for bringing me the short-lived butterflies in my stomach; you were the most adorable guy I've seen for the past decade.

I just want to let you know that I'm not used to getting any attention, so even though I knew you were staring, I didn't let myself assume because I never thought I was worthy of such attention. I’m sorry because I thought that if I caught your eye, I wouldn’t be able to control what will happen next. So I decided to just let both of us feel bad.

I want to let you know that I'm a tough love, so even when I knew you were about to approach, I pretended not to see it and brought my walls up because I didn't want you to get any closer to my fragile heart. But still, there was a tiny part of me that hoped you'll have the courage to knock, but you didn't.

I tried to look at you, I did, but you were no longer looking and your friend was the one who was staring instead. I felt bad that he didn’t tap you when I saw that you gestured at me while talking to them before that.

I kept trying to justify myself for not looking at you and paying attention to your advances, that it was the right choice for me because if you really wanted to, you would’ve. But when I saw how you kept looking around the stadium before the concert, as if looking for someone, then giving out a big sigh, I felt so bad and the what ifs started coming.

I fervently hope that you weren’t looking for me, but if by chance you stumble upon this letter or if fate allows our paths to cross again, please don’t doubt yourself and just break down all my walls.

[uaravsh]

"I don't want to have to be the one who mourns everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It's mortifying. It's mortifying to be the one who remembers."

- Ryan O'Connell

[asurrealconundrum]

The truth is, when you settle for an almost, you settle for almosts in every single aspect of a relationship. Almost happy. Almost valued. Almost chosen. Yes, the connection holds weight, there is depth there, but it will always exist on the surface of what your soul craves. When you settle for an almost, you’re left waiting to receive the kind of love you have been giving someone all along; you’re holding out for something real, and pointed, and full, to grow from so much uncertainty. But you deserve more than that. You deserve certainty. You deserve to be someone’s favorite thing. You deserve effort, you deserve for the beauty you see within another human being to come to fruition, to be something substantial, to be something you can grow within. You deserve to feel like someone is excited to be with you, like someone is excited to commit to you, like someone is inspired to dive into something concrete and foundational with you. You deserve someone who is on the same page. Someone who wants the same things, someone who wants to meet all of your hope with action. You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of being responsible for your heart. You deserve someone who embraces it.

- Bianca Sparacino

[resqectable]

“My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.”

— Jillian Medoff

[asurrealconundrum]

Pouring down

Did you ever get to the point where you’ve been crying for hours, then you suddenly felt like you wanted to talk to someone so you grab your phone and started looking at your contacts but you can’t really choose anyone because you know they either can’t say anything that will make you feel better or they’ll respond too late and you’ve already made yourself feel better?

Then you start thinking about the person’s arms you want to hold you in that moment, but, of course, he’s nowhere to be found.

[asurrealconundrum]

Putting out the fire

2023-09-16

I’m trying to research how to stop a crush before it gets worse, and one suggestion I found is to write down my thoughts of him. So, here it goes…

The first time I saw him was on October 21, 2022. I remember because it was the day I got so drunk after a departmental party. It was during the early stages of his onboarding in our company, he was walking with his onboarding buddy back then, but his eyes locked with mine. Maybe something sparked in me or maybe it was just a shallow curiosity for both of us, but he held my eyes longer than I would usually allow. I did like his height and the way he carried himself; full of masculinity and gentleness at the same time.

Soon enough, I found out through people’s discussions that he’s the new guy under my close friend’s team. I didn’t like the name they use to call him, it didn’t fit him at all. A few girls already like him, but they said he’s taken.

My curiosity didn’t progress because I found out he’s young, plus I never saw him again after that day. Then it was time for a new batch of Social Committee in our office to start. My friends and I decided to takeover, and we asked around for volunteers and he joined. I still didn’t think much of him, but due to some changes, we ended up being buddies. He barely talks during meetings, I even have to call him out. But when it comes to work, he’s quite good and I liked his designs. Though very Gen-Z and not my style, they were still good. I shared my Canva account with him, and he found out my fondness of Star Wars and I decided to start calling him by his childhood nickname, which suits him better.

I think my curiosity on him came back during the Q1 Party, we were working together on the designs, or more like I was ordering him around. But at one point, he asked me what happened to my knee. He was the first person who asked me that in the office, and I wondered if he’s as curious about me as I am with him. Our next encounter was a drinking session with a few of his team members. I was looking for a date for my best friend’s wedding and he was giving suggestions that didn’t really help. After a couple of hours, I finally formed my opinion that he’s a really nice guy; a good boyfriend who’s loyal. I stopped any curiosity I had in him then because I knew he’s quite loyal to his girlfriend and there’s really no room for someone else. He didn’t show any sign of interest on me as well.

I didn’t go back to the office again for a while, and then I went to Japan. I didn’t see nor talked to him for a long time, only casual catch-ups for our tasks. Then we met during the Summer Party. Both of us had to stay behind because we were in charge of the transpo, and we rode in his car together with 2 other colleagues. We were talking and I almost forgot that there were other people in the car. He’s often timid when around other people but I guess he’s comfortable around me that he’s actually talking. He asked again about my knee, I’m starting to wonder why he’s so concerned about my knee, but I didn’t ask. We got to the party venue together but quickly separated and went to our own friends.

After the party, we were together again on the way back to the office, this time it’s just the both of us. We were enjoying his music and singing along, and it was the first time I was sitting in the passenger seat that I didn’t wish I’ll see V when I look to my left. We also got lost and we’re just laughing together almost the whole ride. I started wondering how good he is as a boyfriend. That same night, we were talking to a colleague about their crushes and I did tell her that he is probably the only boyfriend material in the office, but there’s something about him I don’t find sexy. Maybe because he’s young, but I don’t think I find him attractive enough to want to have s€x with him, (and s€x is quite important in a relationship).

Again, my interest on him didn’t really stick. Then two guys I used to mess around with started texting me again. One stopped eventually since I didn’t reply, but the other is persistent. I want it to stop already, they’re both good friends and I want to continue being friends—only that. So my solution to make both of them quit is to post a guy’s hand which indicates that I’m dating someone. I tried recruiting two of my coworkers, but their hands are not manly enough. Then one recommended him, so when he was in the office, we asked him and he luckily accepted. But as I was editing the photo, I got so obsessed with actually holding that hand. I wanted to hold it so badly and see if it will restart my heart.

I was starting to get obsessed with thoughts of him and holding his hand, but I know it’s not right. The other day, before my coworker recommended him, my coworker asked about my thoughts on dating a colleague. I said I’m fine with it. Then that same day, he recommended for me to use the guy; I want to stop thinking it’s connected. I also started thinking about the night of the Summer Party, I searched his profile but didn’t follow him. I’m not sure how he found me, but the next day, I woke up to a follow request from him. I’m starting to give these subtle signs as him having an interest on me, but if he really did, he would’ve made the move already.

Today, I decided to put a stop to this. He’s really just a nice guy, and let’s face it, I don’t deserve him. He deserves to be with a girl in the same social status and age bracket as him—I’m not both. So, please stop thinking about him. Okay, mind? Let’s just focus on living alone again, please? Thank you.

[the-wolf-and-moon]

Comet Nishimura

[thepersonalquotes]

““Nothing on earth can make up for the loss of one who has loved you.” - Selma Lagerlöf”

—

[emotionalwords]