I see the words āI know he would never hit me/physically harm meā in a lot of letters I get. Far more than I could ever, ever, ever answer or publish.
Those words break my heart, every time, because the people who write them are offering them up as an example of how the relationship can be saved and how I shouldnāt judge their partner too harshly. They mean āheās not ABUSIVE-abusive (even though he does all these abusive and controlling things to me). Iām not like those abused women, I would leave if someone actually hit me.ā They break my heart because the letter writers have had to do the calculus, the calculus called Would He Hit Me? and they offer the answer up as proof that he wouldnāt but all I can see is proof that he almost did, that heās thinking about it, that heās a week or a year or a hairās breadth away from it. Itās proof that sheās thinking about it, too, that sheās had to do the math. Nathan wouldnāt hit you, but heād punch a wall in front of you, so you can see the force of how his fists slam into things., so you can see how hurt his hand is afterward, so you know that the damage is your fault. When I read those words about how the partner doesnāt harm or hit, I can hear the echo of the guy saying them, too, like āWell, itās not like I physically hurt you! Come on! Be reasonable (and do what I say)!ā(Mentioning how āat least you donāt hitā someone kinda sorta exactly like reminding them that you could hit them, that you might hit them, that hitting them is on the list of possible things that could happen, you are a fucking goddamn hero of a man for making the difficult heroic choice not to. Someone saying this to you should always make the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and prompt you to look around for the exits).
And then the letters, like your letter, contain the most heartbreaking question of all, which is how, how can I be better/fix it/make it right/not make him scary and angry anymore. How can I be perfect (give up caffeine), how can I show him (check in with him by cell phone every time I change locations or company) that Iām worthy? Because the abuser-logic has worked. āWhen you make mistakes itās your fault, when I make mistakes (like scaring you) itās also your fault.ā Someone doesnāt have to physically hurt you to harm you.
People in non-abusive relationships donāt have to do this constant calculus. Non-abusive dudes donāt get described as āintimidatingā by their girlfriends, because non-abusive dudes, even the big strong burly ones who might look pretty intimidating to a stranger donāt intimidate their girlfriends. They donāt punch walls, or throw things, or put 10,000 tiny conditions around everything, or monitor their movements or their phones. When those dudes feel lonely, they fucking call a friend, or they muddle through those lonely feelings. Non-abusive dudes donāt pat themselves on the back for not hurting women, because it doesnāt occur to them to hurt women.
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