Your life may be documented for quality assurance. @asymptoticabsurdist - Tumblr Blog

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“Bob, can you believe this match-up?! Raymoo Hackery, the all-star we’ve known for several seasons of offense … and she’s playing defense! What a draft pick that was! And she’s got her work cut out for her, too. You remember these two, Melissa and Alice? No slouches, either. Alright. Now here’s what they’re up against: Raymoo’s going to be making a lot of lateral moves, but if the offense stays focused, they should be able to cut through some of the more forward passes. But look out! See these circles? Bam, bam, bam, bam. You can get sacked before you even know it. It’s going to be a helluva game, Bob, back to you.”

neeetsocks-deactivated20191026

no language should be mocked other than french

gareauxtrains

Birds is “oiseaux” in French.

No letter is pronunced the way it should.

And there are seven of them.

teaboot

ITS PRONOUNCED “WAZO” AND YES, I WILL DIE MAD ABOUT IT

judgejudyofficial

oiseaux hits every vowel in the french alphabet and manages to only be pronounced with 2 goddamn syllables

genderfluidintake

got vowels coming out the oiseaux

klaxtron

What we know about Jolene: beauty beyond compare, flaming locks of auburn hair, ivory skin, eyes of emerald green, smile like a breath of spring, voice soft like summer rain

What we know about ‘my man’: talks in his sleep

priceysalt

Guess I’m back to spreading my homosexual Jolene propaganda

nifinof

none of this would have happened if we still had him

nifinof

this happened because y’all voted mop, wretched tooth would’ve never treated us like this

catbountry

Don’t blame me, I voted for Wretched Tooth.

anotherpapercut

apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

anotherpapercut

this is the phone. he apparently was in the middle of a meeting with the department the other day and got annoyed so he pressed a button, said “I have to take this” and left

beka-tiddalik

David’s co-workers probably: “This is a valid tactic to embarrass him into buying a mobile phone, right?”

David: “Bold of you to assume that I get embarrassed.”

scipunk

SP. 101 - Menno’s Mind (1997)

Stylish CD drive.

vladtheunfollower

loafed-beans-deactivated2020082

fedkaczynski

What’s funny is that this actually happened.

allamericankindofguy-actual

I’m unfamiliar with this story please elaborate

fedkaczynski

Finnish soldier gets separated from the rest of his unit but he’s the only one carrying the emergency amphetamines for the unit, takes too many and goes on a one man rampage for like 2 weeks straight giving the opposing Soviet soldiers nightmares for decades. Oh and he did it all on skis.

ethereal-insight-deactivated201

Did he survive?

loafed-beans-deactivated2020082

Yes, during his methed up 2-3 week rampage he got injured by a land mine, travelled 400km on skis, and only ate pine buds and a Siberian Jay that he caught which he ate raw. When he made it back to Finnish lines he was taken to a hospital where it was found his heart rate was nearly 200 beats per minute and his weight had dropped to 43kg (94.7lbs).

doctor-roman

His name was Aimo Koivunen if you want to look him up

misteryada

Those are the eyes of a man who has seen god and laughed

evilbuildingsblog

This black cabin floats above the Norwegian landscape

tambourgi

this is my sexy modernist baba yaga hut

gotitforcheap-deactivated201611

I like to think the first guy in a hunter/gathering type group to come up with farming had a really hard time selling it to the rest of the group like “uhh guys how about next time we find animals instead of killing them right away we round them up and *under his breath* make them fuuuuck”