Serendipity ♥

Twenty-two. Journeying through life. Leaving footprints. Work in progress.

[ataitsi-blog]

Wednesday

Everybody’s had at least one day in their life that seemed so messed up it made them think they’ve hit rock bottom. Mine’s today. I don’t know how to feel if my parents told me they’re seperating. I guess, most kids would feel bad about it. They’d cry. They’d beg them to stay together.

But I didn’t.

Cause I don’t want that.

I don’t know if that makes me a bad person or a bad daughter. But to be honest, I don’t want them to be together anymore. I know it doesn’t depend on me, but if it were me I’d seperate them. With my own hands.

It’s not that I’m not grateful. I was. But when I look back, I don’t even remember if we were that happy anyways. And now, I’m in a point in my life where I’m not affected by it anymore. I just want all of these to end. iìI cam to hate my Dad so much that it doesn’t make me feel guilty anymore. I used to feel bad at the thought but now, I’d just want him to push me, my sister and my mum out of his life so that I won’t have to see his face ever again.

It’s sad, really. But I’m done feeling bad about it.

I don’t know if my Mom feels bad about it. If I were at her receiving end, all those things my Dad threw at her. I’d just be glad to leave and never look back.

I badly want my Dad to push us away so that I won’t have to see him ever again. But he’s a fucking coward and he’ll never do such a thing. He’s a fucking wuss who wouldn’t do anything so that he won’t be the one to blame. And I hate him. I hate him for ruining everything. I hate him so much I can hardly remember the good times.

[ataitsi-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE0eV2YR51k)

I’ve started watching this drama because I wanted to see Song Hye Kyo again (since I loved her in Full House - I deliberately didn’t watch Endless Love but I know that she was amazing there too). And also, I wanted to see Onew (*heart*). But the drama left me wanting more. I find the leading guy way cuter than I’ve expected him to be. And I think I actually like how the story is set to go. And plus, my love Chen sang the other OST for this drama. Yoon Mi Rae isn’t too bad with this one though.

Too bad it’s still on going, I have to wait for the next episodes patiently. Anyways, this is a good resort since Cheese In The Trap is coming to an end next week (ugh I still need JunHeol - and can we talk about how devastating the teaser for the next episode is? ugh)

[ataitsi-blog]

-161 days

[yourdailyravi]

[ataitsi-blog]

It’s almost your birthday, you little fluffy thing. I love you.

[starlightagent]

After Hyuk covered "Love Yourself"

[ataitsi-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itIoqsQmX9c)

I don’t care if his pronunciation isn’t the best. I love him. He’s given me the best V-day gift ever.

[ataitsi-blog]

I wish somebody could understand my ever-growing and non-stopping adoration and devotion to K-pop. Sorry, I’m frustrated.

[shitstheysaid]

[ataitsi-blog]

Here’s another one that should absolutely be together in real life.

[asianfireflies]

this couple make me jealousTT

[ataitsi-blog]

Can they just be together right now for real? I hate how my favorite couples never end up together in real life. Like, cmon!

[sleepingtide]

I didn’t forget. I remember everything.

[ataitsi-blog]

Can somebody bring me my personal Yoo Jun?

[tienyeol]

I miss you

[ataitsi-blog]

I miss you too. Please come back. Please let it be next week. I need my dose of JunSeol

[moonlightdramas]

[ataitsi-blog]

I don’t care if people like Baek In Ho more. I love you Jun. You’re more perfect for Seol.

[ataitsi-blog]

I’m back

I’ve managed to get back here after almost a year. Yay! I don’t know how I’ve managed all this time without writing. I’d like to clean this page but I can’t do it right now cause exams and school and stuff. But I’m definitely polishing this place.

[ataitsi-blog]

Frailty

How do you cope with the knowledge of somebody else's pain? How do you regulate yourself with such a thing? How do you teach yourself to not fall into the Vicious cycle of feeling vulnerable when pain is all that surrounds you?

In my Whole life, I'm aware of having felt an excessive amount of pain just one time. It was when I fell apart from my best friend. I remember it as an excrutiating kind of pain. One that numbed me to the core. One that made me find myself crying at times, without being aware of it. All in all, I've survived that pain. I've outlived it. I think, I've gotten used to it and at a certain point in my life, the pain didn't bother me anymore. I learnt how to deal with the pain that it became nothing to me. I 've managed to extinguish the feeling it was giving me. But never have I felt the feeling of having somebody else's pain engulfing me. This kind of pain doesn't numb me, and I can't numb it either. It's as excrutiating as my personal pain, but unlike it, I don't have the possibility to control and model it. All I am is passive to it.

Seeing how pain is etched in the eyes of other people is as lethal as feeling one's personal pain. The incapability of giving some kind of solution is what makes it harder to handle for me. How can I extinguish something that is not for me to resolve? It's quite frustrating, knowing that all I can do is watch and see how pain takes possession of other people's joy.

[circlebirthday]

Spring

[ataitsi-blog]

Love month.

I've been trying to write down an entry for the longest time bit I couldn't find the right drive to do so. But now I did. So I'm gonna write. This one's about the so-called "love month" aka February. It's almost over so I may as well write down my thoughts. Unlike the majority of single people, I'm actually not that bitter about Feb. I've seen and watched and read lots of lovey-dovey stuff throughout this whole month that I may as well go on overdose of sweetness and smooch. February is not my favorite month. Not because I've never had a date in the past twenty-one years of my life (honestly speaking), but because the weather usually sucks and it's not an autum month. If I have to sum up what Feb means to me, I'd likely say: flowers. I'm not saying "love" simply because I don't think people show more love on Feb. It just so happened that people love stereotypes and we like to think we're all head over heels crazy in love. But we're not. February this year has been like all the other Februaries of my life, bit one thing has changed. I think, a sweet bone started growing inside me. I'm not in love nor infatuated nor anything. But I found myself devouring tons of stories about love and maybe that planted the sweet bone in me. I actually have lost interest in falling in love (romantically speaking), but I like how people inevitably fall in love. I love how people are still capable of feeling this emotion come what may. I love how love still fills the air no matter where I go or look. It's this magical feeling that fills me, and I love how it feels. However, even though I have given up on my own romantic fairytale, like every other time, I always find myself questioned by my peers about love. More precisely, about falling in love. And when I tell them that I don't have any interest in such a thing, they look at me with their pity filled eyes, telling me how "the One" will surely come along. But wait, are we sure there is such a person? What makes people think that we are all bound to another human being? I've always been amused at how strong a bond can be if it is founded on love. I find myself smiling at old couples who stroll at the park together, how they struggle together, keeping a promise they've once made to each other. It would be wonderful if each of us could share a piece of this joyous feeling of being in love. But life has plans of its own. I've stopped writing to my "Prince Charming" simply because I don't believe in him anymore. I don't possibly think that I'd be capable of a love so great, I'd like to share it only with one. Why give it to just one individual when I can share it to many more? That's something I can't fathom. But romantic love has still a fascination of its own. I am in love with romantic love. And maybe that's the farthest I can get. I'm in love with the idea of being in love, and I think that alone satisfies me. I read love stories, some are too smoochy, while others are too much. But the bottomline is always one: love. And that's what makes them so special to me. But being in love shouldn't be limited to February only. People should be in love whole year round. Every single day. Every waking hour. Life's too short to not fall in love. People should fall in love more, that could be the greatest gift we can giv away.

[ataitsi-blog]

In the mood for fangirling.