Actually, it’s been a long year - and it’s only June.
He should be used to it by now - the mental and physical pressure to perform well, meet and surpass expectations, find the next best thing, please the fans… He’s been doing it for eight years. The gig is engrained in his veins.
Yet, this year is different. Comeback after comeback, unrelenting schedules, performances scheduled back to back with not enough time to both rehearse and sleep.
He only started taking pills in January, but they’ve been the only thing helping him shut off the voices and sleep.
Them, and you.
You’ve been the one constant in his life. Always there, always comforting him, reassuring him that he’s doing as well as he can, that you’re proud of him.
They’re small things, but they matter more to him than any award.
So when he comes home to find you’re not there, at 11pm, he has no choice but to take a pill. Maybe two. They’re only benzos, harmless things - taking an extra dose won’t kill him, just maybe help him sleep faster.
He’s already swallowed one, the second hitting his tongue when he hears the sound of the keypad letting you in, and in his surprise, swallows it without thinking.
“Hey Sannie, I’m home! Sorry I was held up at a work dinner, couldn’t get out of it any earlier…”
The only reply you hear is coughing.
You throw off your shoes, peaking your head out of the hall into the living room. “Baby are you okay?”
He gasps, throwing a thumb up, managing a few breathless words. “Pill… Choked.. ‘m fine…”
You sit down next to him, gently pat his back and hand him the glass sitting on the coffee table. After a few sips and a couple of minutes, he’s back to normal, though a little red in the face. You don’t stop worrying, your eyebrows scrunched as your nails lightly graze the nape of his neck.
“San, I thought you were cutting back on those…”
He bites his lip, playing with your knee. “I’m really tired and didn’t think you’d be home soon, I just wanted to fall asleep fast.”
“You said you’d been sleeping well recently?”
He nudges his nose in the collar of your blouse, inhaling your scent. “Because you’re here. Can’t sleep without you.” He mutters.
You sigh, melting into him a little. “Baby… I really think you need to see someone about this. It’s not healthy for you to take these all the time. Nor is it healthy for you to rely on me to sleep.” You lower your head a little so you can meet him at eye level. “And it makes me scared of what’s gonna happen when you go abroad for your schedules.”
He grunts, eyelids a little heavier from the drugs kicking in, hiding himself from your gaze.
You take a moment to think. Well, not to think about what you’re going to say next, but about whether or not you should say it. You’ve been thinking about it for weeks now, just never felt confident enough to tell him. But tonight feels different. He doesn’t usually take the pills in your presence, but seeing how different his personality is when he’s under their influence makes a chill run through you.
“I think you should tell your CEO. And Hongjoong. Your schedule is clearly too packed, and you’re not getting enough support for it.”
His head snaps up - well, snaps is a big word when he’s already sluggish. “What? No… I can’t tell them.”
“San, if you don’t I will.”
He’s sat up fully now, his grip on your knee stronger. “You can’t. Baby, I’ll lose my job.”
You sit up too now, turning to face him fully. “No, you won’t. But I’m not about to have you lose yourself to the job.” You point to the bottle of pills. “These are harmless, in comparison to what you’ll fall into if you continue.”
“But-”
“No.” You stand up, his hands immediately grabbing your wrists, holding them tightly, not letting you leave him. “Do you know how relieved I’ve been for these past three weeks, thinking you’d stopped taking them? I know this isn’t about me and that’s not what I’m trying to make it about. But there’s only so much I can do to support you on my own. I…” You bite your lip, looking away from him. “I’m not enough to get you the help you need, no matter how hard I try.”
“You are, you are. I promise you are.” He pleads, fingers creating a white imprint on your skin. “You’re the only thing I need, I promise. The schedules will ease up. It’s only temporary.”
“You took those as soon as you got home, didn’t even ask me how long I’d be. Am I wrong?”
“I was just really, really tired, princess.”
He pulls you onto his lap, a lazy smile adorning his lips. His hands leave your wrists to settle on your hips.
“I really do try.”
“I know.”
“It’s just hard…”
“I know.”
“And today…”
Your hands settle on his chest, playing with his shirt. “Tell me about your day then. What happened?”
He sighs, throwing his head on the back of the couch. “Four hours of sleep, two photoshoots, changed choreography we’ve been learning for a week, nine hours of rehearsals, Yunho getting pissed at us for not getting the steps and how can we blame him when we were tripping over our feet and messing up the formation…” He looks back up at you, his thumbs rubbing on your waist. “And I missed you. A lot. I was sad I left so early I didn’t get to see my princess all day.”
You smile a little, unable to resist his affection for you. You know it’s the one thing that’s never been disingenuous. “Missed you too baby. Couldn’t wait to come home to kiss you.”
He smirks, nose nudging yours. “I haven’t received my kiss yet, if I remember correctly.”
You giggle quietly, leaning forward until your lips press on his gently.
“Hi baby.”
“Hi.”
His heavy eyelids, no matter the reason, still tug at your heart strings. He’s cute beyond belief, and you’ve missed his touch, his warmth, his dimples, everything. Truth is, for the past few days, you’ve both been so busy with your respective schedules that you’ve barely been able to actually spend time with each other.
He seems to remember it at the same time as you do, his eyes changing immediately.
One of his hands leaves your waist to gently remove the hair from your neck, a space he fills instantly. Dropping his head to your pulse, slowly, you can feel his breath before his lips. His touch is gentle, cupping your jaw on one side, lips ghosting over your skin on the other, thumb still drawing circles on your hip.
He takes his time - his life is always non stop, on the go, one thing after another. How he spends his time with you is the one thing he can control. Moments shared together are always few and far between, but they mean everything.
Your fingertips tighten around the fabric of his shirt, eyelids fluttering under his touch, until his lips slowly make their way back to yours. You let him guide the pace, his movements slightly sluggish yet full of love. You don’t mind though - his touch is so light and feathery it gives you goosebumps.
His tongue slides against your lower lip - controlled, but begging for more, and you give it to him, your tongues dancing together, slowly exploring each other. The slight remnants of the pills’ bitterness on his tongue hit yours but you push the thought back, choosing to focus on his touch instead.
“Missed you.” He mumbles between kisses, running his thumb across your lip, long lashes fluttering in front of you.
You nudge him now, aching to feel his lips on yours again and he delivers, a little more feverish now - his skin also feeling hotter.
His hand leaves your waist, coming to undo the buttons of your blouse one by one, slowly, exposing you inch by inch. Your senses are starting to heighten as the air hits your skin, his fingertips grazing the lace of your bra as he continues his way down, until he can open your top. He drops his forehead to yours, admiring the view of your chest, rising and falling a little faster for him.
“So perfect.” He whispers.
A sheepish smile creeps to your lips. You’ll never get tired of his compliments or his adoration for you - not when he looks at you the way he does.
Your back arches automatically when his head dips down, placing soft open-mouthed kisses on your collarbones, working his way down to your chest. Small whimpers start to pass your lips from pent up need, which you can feel growing between your legs - both yours, and his.
His fingertip hooks under the black lace, lowering it to expose your already perked nipple to the cold air and his hot, humid breath. The moment his lips wrap around it, your entire body shudders, hips rutting out of instinct.
You bite your lip, grabbing onto his hair for grounding. “San…”
He lets go of you with a pop, looking up at your parted lips, his own face mirroring yours. “Princess.”
“Need you baby…”
He chuckles at your desperate tone, as if his own cock isn’t twitching under your heat.
His fingers slide your blouse down your arms, letting it fall down to the floor, before unhooking your bra and doing the same with it. Taking care of his own shirt next, he passes it over his head by the collar, revealing the broad and tanned shoulders you love so much.
He shudders as your nails glide down his chest and abdomen, watching your face as your eyes follow the path you’re tracing.
He loves you so much, unable to stop touching you in awe, even in moments like this, as he tucks your hair behind your ear.
“You’re perfect.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Cause you are. Most perfect woman ever.” He starts unzipping the back of your skirt as he leans forward. “I love you.”
Your heart flutters, grabbing his face to kiss him again. “I love you.”
Effortlessly, he lifts you off of him, just enough to slide your skirt and panties past your legs, and remove his joggers, leaving the both of you exposed, vulnerable, safe.
You can feel how hard he is now, his length pressing on your core, making you crave him even more. The kiss turns hotter as you reach down, wrapping your fingers around him. He whimpers at your touch, cradling your neck as his hips buck slightly in your grip, chasing the friction he desperately needs.
You would think the pills would have killed his need, or at least slowed his body’s response, but it’s like it’s the opposite. He’s never done anything more than cuddle in bed with you when on them, but somehow - he’s into it. The pills make him feel loopy, relaxed yet even more sensitive, able to take his mind off of everything except you. You who’s stroking him with practiced precision, whose lips taste like heaven, whose perfect body is all his to worship.
Your thumb rubs over his tip, catching and spreading the beads of precum, and he releases a shaky breath.
Without a word, he lifts your hips, just enough to angle himself to your entrance, letting you guide him. Only when he can feel his tip meet your warmth does he lower you back down, both of your moans blending into one.
He doesn’t move immediately, letting you adjust to him. Only then - with his hands on your waist and yours on his shoulders - does he begin to move. He definitely feels more sensitive than usual, opting to test the waters by starting off slow, controlled.
“F-fuck princess. So warm ‘nd tight.”
After a few more slow rolls of his hips, he begins to quicken the pace, moving your hips to meet his at the same rhythm.
His eyes never leave your face. He doesn’t care that you’re not looking at him - head thrown back, eyelids fluttering, jaw slightly slack - all he cares about is that you’re here. You’re his.
This version of you is reserved for his eyes only, and he never takes it for granted - high or not.
Your arousal is starting to drip down his cock, slicking his thighs. The lewd sounds fill the room, mingling with your heavy breaths and quiet whimpers.
Once again, he can’t stop himself from touching you, one hand staying on your hips to guide you, the other coming to cup your cheek. You look down at him and the sight of his face makes you clench around him.
Eyes completely fucked out, a red tint decorating the apples of his cheeks, brows drawn, lips parted ever so slightly. You’ll never get tired of the way he looks at you, making you feel like the only woman in the world.
He pauses his movements briefly, grabbing your waist to lay you down on the couch carefully. Free to remove his hand, he grabs yours and laces your fingers together, grabbing your other wrist with his thumb to lock them in place above your head.
His lips start to devour your skin again as his hips roll into you, the angle heavenly. He’s so precise with it, knowing exactly how to hit the deepest parts of you.
“S-san… Ah.”
“Tell me how good you feel.” He drawls as he bites your nipple, making your back arch further into him.
“God. So d-deep.”
“Yeah?” He lifts his head to hover over yours, looking at you like you hang the moon. “You want more?”
You nod your head frantically, a fresh wave of arousal pooling at the pit of your stomach.
With his free hand, he hooks your leg up on his shoulder, stretching you open some more. Like that, he’s able to reach that spongy spot that makes you see stars, and your legs start shaking instantly.
“So good for me. So perfect.”
He’s starting to reach his own climax, muscles tensing. His mouth crashes down on yours again, his thumb now playing with your clit so he can swallow your moans - better than any pill.
“You wanna cum princess?” He asks, knowing the answer already.
“Y-y-yes p-please - god - need to f-feel you come t-too baby.” You beg shakily.
He groans at your needy tone. Sharp snapping motions replace the previously delicious roll of his hips and you cry out, feeling the coil tighten to an almost unbearable point.
“Fuck fuck fuck…”
“Come with me baby.” He begs, breaking the kiss to look at you.
And you do. So hard the world fades around you for a moment. The only thing you see is his face as his eyebrows scrunch from his own release, little whimpers leaving his mouth that travel straight to your core, fuelling the waves of your orgasm.
He doesn’t stop immediately, slowing down gradually until his hips stop twitching into you.
Before he’s even pulled out, his mouth is back on yours, his grip on your wrists softening, just like his kiss.
“I love you so much. I go crazy without you.”
You’re still trembling, walls pulsing around nothing, gushing his release one twitch at a time.
He lays his head down in the crook of your neck, trying to catch his breath. His arms snake around your waist, like he’s using you as an anchor, and within seconds, you hear soft whistles - a sure sign that he’s fallen asleep.
At last, the pills have taken effect, though your presence is the one true thing that helped him finally fully relax.
---------
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Summary: When you appeared and wept at his mother's funeral, Hongjoong found himself wanting to find out more about you. A regular girl, who owns a flower shop in his territory and has a relationship with the mother that he hasn't spoken to in years, why hasn't he ever noticed you before?
[Warning(s): 18+ for violence, use of weapons, smoking, alcohol consumption, slight gore, gang affiliation, tattoos and character deaths. Minors DNI. This is a work of fiction and does not represent the Ateez members in real life.]
trigger warning: minors do not interact. sensitive content ahead, read at your own risk.
word count: 22,5k
୨୧
y/n:
hey, it's san, you already know that. okay, you know i'm bad at this, so i'm sorry in advance. there might be a right way to write this and i don't think i know it, but for you i'll try. please don't judge the handwriting too much. or the wording, or how short or long it is. i rewrote the first part four times and it still feels bad. anyway, i'm sorry, here's the letter. i guess i should start from the beginning, no? is that stupid? i don't know. [scribbled] the first time i saw you was in that class we both didn’t want to be in. i don’t even remember what the professor was saying, but i remember you. you were leaning over the desk, hand on your cheek, resting your head. i remember thinking you looked easy to be around. i don’t know why, but it did. this is embarrassing but i think i knew i wanted to marry you way earlier than i probably should have. i didn’t say it, obviously, that would've been creepy. i just knew you looked so so pretty and now that i know you, you became so beautiful. not that you weren't beautiful before being with me, you always were, i'm just saying from my perspective just how mesmerized you had me from the start, you know? you are just so smart, so creative, so diligent. [scribbled] it's like when you balance numbers and they finally add up the way they’re supposed to, that's what it kind of felt like, but in the romantic way. i'm sorry i'm not good at expressing my feelings and all that, you know that better than anyone else. but i want you to know that choosing you has never felt like a decision i had to force myself into. i want this more than anything, with you. we have this apartment now. it’s small and the walls are kind of thin and the kitchen light flickers sometimes, but it’s ours. i keep thinking about how this is the place where everything will start. mornings, dinners, normal days, hard days, all of it. and i like knowing you’ll be here at the end of the day. i like knowing i get to come home to you. i promise i’ll take care of you. i promise i’ll work hard. [scribbled] i know i don’t always say what i’m thinking, but i feel things even when i don’t show them right. does that make sense? well, [scribbled] i’m really proud to be your husband. that still feels strange to write, but in a good way. i hope we grow old together. i hope we don’t stop choosing each other, even when life gets busy or complicated. i hope you always know that you’re my favorite person in the world, even if i forget to say it out loud sometimes. i’ll always try to try, even if i’m bad.
i love you.
san
tucked beneath the neatly folded cashmere sweaters, exactly where you left it. lace covered box, meant for letters he had promised to fill with, yet a year and a half later, only the first one stood alone. you weren't angry, not even sad. it actually made you chuckle a little. just a quiet grief for what had been started to root deep inside, for the vibrant colors that had softened into pastels, for the soft reverence in his eyes that had slowly faded into habit. you often found yourself staring at the box, a wry smile touching your lips.
the paper, once crisp, now yielded to countless revisits. you knew every word by heart, the rhythm of his awkward sincerity etched into your memory. you traced the faded ink. his handwriting, usually neat in ledgers, was a little clumsy here. each letter formed with an almost painful deliberation. it was short, a simple promise. a quiet declaration of his intent to build a life with you, to be your home. no extreme pronouncements of undying passion, but a solid foundation of devotion. san had never been one for grand gestures, at least not in words. his love manifested in the certainty of his presence, the steady rhythm of his life intertwined with yours. in fact, you had asked for the letter in the first place, at that diner right before receiving the keys to the apartment.
"a letter?" he'd shifted on his seat, a blush creeping up his neck. "i'm not... good with words, y/n."
you shook your head with an endeared smile. "you don't have to be shakespeare sannie, just you."
he seemed in thought for a moment, trying to resist looking at your puppy eyes asking pretty please before straightening his back, accepting the challenge. and he did. pen clutched tight, brows furrowed in concentration. you’d watched him, your heart swelling with a love so potent it felt like a physical ache. then when he finished, he slid it across the booth table, eyes avoiding yours with his shy offering.
now, the paper, soft as old linen, whispered between your fingertips. you didn't rush. each sentence, each carefully chosen word, you read them slowly, precious memory reexperiencie. tasting the hope, the fresh promise of that day when he later bought you the box, saying he'd get better at it and you'd have it spilling out with his loving written words. you ran your fingers over the intricate patterns of the lace, delicate threads contrasting the hollow space.
you folded the letter along it's original creases, the paper folding easily, and placed it back before checking your thight bun in the mirror, perfect posture, every single hair placed where it was meant to be. he still looked at you, of course, but the spark, the raw wonder, had dimmed. it wasn't his fault. life had a way of sanding down the sharp edges of infatuation, leaving behind the smooth, enduring stone of work life.
silence stretched, punctuated only by the distant city chorus. you tell yourself he just forgot. got busy, or thought one was enough. you're good at explaining things away. but when did trying turn into remembering? when did the promise of a future become the past?
the aroma of roasted chicken and rosemary filled the air, a comforting scent that tonight told a solitary performance. table was set, candles unlit, everything waiting for a moment that kept getting delayed. the antique clock sat on the mantelpiece. seven thirty, again. you waited for the familiar click of keys in the lock, the sound that usually signaled the end of day and the beginning of us.
when he comes in your head lifts before you even realize. smoothing your dress automatically, fingers brushing over fabric that was never wrinkled in the first place. a small smile already forming, reserved for him. san already halfway out of his shoes, shoulders slumped, a dark suit jacket draped over his arm. he didn’t glance at the table set for two, but knows everything looks exactly as it always does.
"hey," his voice tired, worn down. like business of the city still clung to him.
"hi," you answer, softer.
he leans in, presses a quick kiss to your temple. familiar, practiced.
"sorry i’m late," he adds, already loosening his tie as you walked towards the dining table. "we had to redo part of the quarterly report because... how do i put this- there was a discrepancy in one of the ledgers, and it threw off the whole reconciliation process. so we had to go back and..."
pulling out his chair. the heavy oak scraped across the polished floor. he loosened his tie, then unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. "had to redo a section. whole damn thing.” he ran a hand through his hair, already tousled from the day. “hours. just… hours.”
you watched him, spooning roasted vegetables onto his plate. you pushed his plate closer, then sat across from him. "must be frustrating," you offered, a soft murmur.
he picked up his fork, turning the chicken over. "frustrating doesn’t begin to cover it. the whole team, scrambling. for a single misplaced figure." he took a bite, chewed slowly. "it’s done now. mostly."
he keeps talking about work, deadlines, numbers, something about a client. you listen, always do. you don't understand every word, but you understand him in the way he talks when he’s tired. the slight edge in his voice, the way he explains things like he’s still in the middle of solving them. it’s easier for him to talk about numbers than about how his day actually felt.
nods at the right moments. hums of acknowledgement. small "and then?" once in a while, just to keep him going.
"…where did those come from?" he signals behind you at the counter. a faint lift of an eyebrow. a hint of a smile, almost.
you glance back, even though you know exactly what he’s looking at. the vase sits neatly by the sink, filled with fresh flowers. soft colors, carefully arranged.
"oh," you say, turning back to him, a warmth creeping up your neck. "mrs. jones gave them to me. i brought her some brownies earlier."
he paused, fork halfway to his mouth and exhales a small breath through his nose in genuine bewilderment.
"y/n," he says, setting his fork down for a second, "you need to stop baking so much."
you blink at him. "why?"
"i don't know, it's just..." he gestures vaguely, like the answer should be obvious. "it's every day. there's always something new. brownies, cookies, that cake from yesterday. the whole building must be swimming in your desserts." he didn’t sound angry, just... resigned.
"i like baking," your voice still gentle, picking at a loose thread on the tablecloth
"i know, i know," he says quickly. "i'm just saying… it's a lot, isn't it?"
a small pause settles and you shrug, barely lifting your shoulders. "it keeps me busy."
he reached across the table, covering your hand with his. his palm was warm, calloused. "tell you what. how about i book you a day at that salon you like? the one on fifth street. hair. nails. the works. i can tell my sister to join you."
"what? am i starting to look like a hag?" you managed a weak laugh.
his grip tightened slightly. his eyes, usually so guarded, held yours with an intensity that surprised you. "you know that’s not what i meant." his voice was firm, no trace of humor.
the small joke withered and you nodded, slowly. "okay." you swallowed. "okay, that sounds... nice."
the candle flickered, casting dancing shadows across his face. he picked up his fork again, the brief moment of connection already fading.
later, the apartment settled into it's nightly quiet. you lay in bed, the soft glow of your reading lamp illuminating the pages of a novel you couldn't quite focus on. normal people by sally rooney, but the words blurred. beside you, san lay on his back, eyes fixed on the small screen in his hands. the blue light painted his face in stark contrasts. his thumb scrolled, scrolled, scrolled. numbers, probably. reports. another discrepancy.
you watched the subtle movements of his jaw, the slight furrow in his brow. he was so focused, so far away. still, you reached out, tentative touch to his forearm. his skin was warm beneath your fingers.
he didn’t stir, didn’t look up. his thumb kept scrolling.
you moved your hand, gently, up his arm, over his shoulder, until your fingers brushed the nape of his neck, then threaded into his hair. soft, dark strands. you leaned closer, your breath stirring the air near his ear.
a soft sound escaped him and it almost seemed like he was leaning into it. a yawn. deep, stretching. he lowered the phone, placing it face down on the nightstand. his eyes, heavy lidded, met yours. fleeting moment, again.
"long day," he murmured, his voice thick with sleep. he gave you a quick short peck on your cheek then turned onto his side, facing away from you, the duvet pulled higher. "good night."
lamp clicked off. darkness enveloped the room, thick and immediate. you lay there, listening to the soft, even rhythm of his breathing, soon turning into soft snores. beside him but alone in the quiet. the book lay open, unread. words still blurred.
୨୧
acetone and something floral, both sharp and comforting. hum of dryers and low chatter fills the space, blending into a steady background noise that makes everything feel easy. normal.
you sat in the middle chair, hands resting neatly on the small cushion in front of you, fingers relaxed but still. a sigh escaping your lips before you could stop it. the manicurist, a young woman with a bright, knowing smile, took your hand, her touch cool and precise. she filed your nails into neat, elegant ovals. you picked a soft, clean color without much thought. something simple, safe, that goes with everything.
across from you, two of your friends leaned into each other, their overlapping voices a stream of gossip. too loud and uncaring. the others chime in, voices overlapping. one of them threw her head back, a peal of laughter echoing, the other one nodded, eyes wide with feigned shock. they talked about a mutual acquaintance’s recent engagement, the scandalous details of a breakup, the endless parade of societal expectations.
"he actually said that?"
"no, stop-"
"i'm serious, i swear-"
to your left, rhythmic snip of scissors. noeul, san's older sister listened quietly, sat under a cloud of foil, her head tilted back as a stylist worked through her dark hair. but her attention drifts back to you more often than not. she owned a warm, reassuring glint. offering a small, conspiratorial smile whenever you caught her gaze in the mirror, silent acknowledgment of the shared escape.
a few chairs down, a woman with kind eyes spoke in hushed tones to her stylist. "she just graduated middle school with the highest scores," her voice, thick with a mother’s proudness, drifted over.
the stylist hums a singing note. "you must be so proud."
"oh, more than that" the woman exhales. "she's even already thinking about what she wants to study after high school."
she spoke of her daughter, a girl she’d poured her heart into.
your fingers still for a second on the cushion. the stylist murmurs something gentle back, and the conversation folds into the background. but it lingers.
your gaze drifted from the woman’s satisfied face to the neat row of polish bottles, then to your own hands, at the careful brush of polish gliding over your nails. you imagined those hands, smaller, softer, reaching for yours. a child. a son, perhaps, with san’s dimples and your own tendency to blush when surprised. or a daughter, with san’s quiet strength and your expressive eyes. the thought bloomed in your mind like a fragile hothouse flower.
you try to picture it. years stacked quietly on top of each other. a child in your apartment. toys where there are now empty surfaces. noise where there is now silence. san, coming home from work. would he pick them up? would he be too tired? would he talk to them the way he talks to you now, half there, half somewhere else? or would it be different? the thought catches you off guard. unfamiliar.
because you've never talked about it. not seriously. not beyond passing comments, vague things people say because they’re supposed to. someday. eventually. no timelines, no plans, no want or don’t want laid out clearly between you.
you don't even know if he wants kids. and for a second, that realization feels heavier than it should. there’s a whole future on a limbo sitting out of reach. not because it’s impossible, but because it’s never been named.
"y/n? you’re miles away!" the brightness of your friend's voice cut through your reverie.
the other leans forward slightly, "how’s married life treating you?"
you don't look up right away, only tilting your hand slightly when the nail tech asks you to. a practiced tug at the corner of your lips masked the tremor beneath.
"it's good, really good." you offered, voice light and airy.
"ugh," someone groans playfully. "of course it is. you guys were always like... perfect for each other."
you let out a soft laugh. "thank you, emma."
"it is," the friend grins. "seriously though, what have you guys been up to lately? anything fun?"
there’s a pause. you glance up for just a second, like you're checking your memory for something recent, something worth telling. "not really," tone still light. "just... normal stuff."
"that's adorable," another friend says, laced with genuine admiration. "no drama or chaos. must be so peaceful to marry an office guy."
"yeah," you nod, smile a little wider. "exactly."
the conversation shifts easily after that, flowing like a meandering river to other topics, someone starts talking about a coworker, someone else about a trip they want to take, and you listen, add comments here and there, smile when you're supposed to. their voices rising and falling in a comfortable rhythm. you watched them, their easy camaraderie, the way they finished each other’s sentences, and a familiar pang of loneliness pierced through the carefully erected wall around your heart.
noeul’s voice, soft but firm, cut through the din. she leaned closer, her perceptive eyes, meeting yours.
"how’s he been?” she asks.
you turn slightly. "san?"
a small nod. "yeah."
your smile didn’t falter. it felt glued on now, a permanent fixture. "he’s good," you say. "just busy with work, you know how he is." the words came out a little too quickly, a little too smooth. you avoided her gaze, focusing instead on the manicurist applying the top coat, making sure each nail was perfectly glossy.
noeul scoffs and tilts her head. "i do." a faint, wry smile touched her lips. "you know, i’ve known my brother a long time. longer than you, even." she paused, letting her words hang in the air. "i know how he gets. when things pile up and he forgets the rest of the world exists."
for a second, the façade threatened to crack. the truth, the bitter, stinging sensation, rose in your throat. you wanted to confess, to unburden yourself, to say, he’s not here, noeul. even when he’s here, he’s not here. i’m so lonely. i feel like i’m drowning in this calm. but the words remained trapped. fearful of conflict, ingrained habit of presenting things softly. you forced a small, reassuring nod. "yeah, it's nothing." the lie tasted like ash.
she watches you for a second longer, like she’s weighing something, then hums lightly and looks away, letting the moment dissolve back into the room. as the conversation drifts away again, your gaze lowers, unfocused.
the manicurist finished, buffing your nails to a high shine. she applied a cuticle oil, the scent of almond and rose a delicate perfume. your hands, now impeccably groomed, felt foreign.
"all done, dear." she announced, her smile bright.
you lift your hands slightly, turning them under the light. they’re perfect. smooth, even, untouched.
"thank you," you say, smiling.
for a moment, you imagine asking him. should be simple. do you ever think about kids? it doesn’t feel like a big question. it's not.
and yet, you can’t picture the moment clearly. when you'd ask, how he’d answer, whether it would feel natural or out of place, like introducing a topic that doesn’t belong in the quiet shape of their life. so you let the thought go.
you reach for your phone absentmindedly. no new messages. thumb hovers over the screen for a second, like you might type something, then you lock it instead and set it back down.
"do you guys want to grab something after this?" a girls asks. "coffee?"
"perfect! i’m craving that new lavender latte."
"oh, i can't," you say quickly, forcing another regretful smile. "i really should head home. dinner, you know." you gestured vaguely, as if the very concept of an empty fridge was an urgent, looming threat.
"alright, wifey," someone teases.
you simply smile again in a thin line as you stand, smoothing down your dress out of instinct and reach for your bag. giving everyone a small goodbye hug. as you pass behind noeul, there’s a brief brush of hands, intentional to pause you.
"hey, if it’s ever not nothing," she says quietly, a hint of concern still lacing her words. "you can tell me."
you hold her gaze for a second. then you smile. soft, reassuring, effortless. "i know." and you mean it, you just don't use it.
blur of city sounds and hurried footste. you stepped out, the cool afternoon air a sharp contrast to the salon’s warmth. rose scented oil on your nails, faint blush of pink, it felt like a disguise. you walked, footsteps echoing on the pavement, toward the quiet of the apartment, toward the silent kitchen, toward the dinner you had to make. the thought of it, a weight in your stomach, settled in with the dull ache of loneliness. the calm awaited.
୨୧
the last of the suds swirled down the drain, taking with them the faint scent of tonight’s braised short ribs. you wiped down the counter, movements precise, methodical. the clinking of ceramic plates against the drying rack was the only sound in the kitchen. you dried your hands on a towel, folding it neatly over the edge of the sink when you're finished. dishes done, kitchen clean again.
san's in the living room, laptop open, the soft glow of the screen lighting his face. he's not typing much. just staring, scrolling, thinking. you paused at the archway, shoulder pressing lightly against the cool plaster. the conversation from the salon, a snippet of motherhood, rang in your mind. it had all been a gentle nudge, a question mark in the back of your thoughts all afternoon. you hadn't realized how much space the idea of a child, of your child, could occupy until that moment.
the future, once a vibrant tapestry you and san wove together with eager hands, now a blank canvas. you’d painted the college days in bright, bold strokes, the wedding vows in shimmering gold. but the years beyond, the ones stretching into a quiet domesticity, remained unsketched. you found yourself wondering if san even saw that canvas anymore, if he still held a brush.
you watched the muscles in his forearms flex as he began typing, the subtle ripple beneath his shirt. his dark hair, a little longer than you usually liked, fell across his forehead. he didn’t look up, his focus absolute, a tunnel vision you’d come to recognize.
"still have a lot to do?" you asked, your voice softer than you intended, a whisper against the keyboard’s clatter.
his fingers stilled for a beat, then resumed their pace. "almost," he murmured, eyes still fixed on the screen. "just finishing up these projections for the morning."
a breath, deep and slow, air cool in your lungs. you watch him for a second. the way his brows pull together slightly, the way his attention narrows into whatever’s on the screen. focused. distant. the question, the real question, the one that had been brewing since you left the salon, fell heavy on your tongue. it wasn't just about kids. it was about us. about the unspoken, the unasked, the growing chasm of silence. you wanted to ask if he ever thought about them, about a future that wasn’t neatly tied to quarterly reports and spreadsheets. you wanted to ask if he still saw you, really saw you, beyond the perfectly made bed and the carefully planned dinners. maybe, just maybe, this question could be the key, a small crack. it could lead to an actual conversation, a real one, not just about work or groceries or the weather. your heart beat a frantic rhythm against your ribs.
"hey," you start.
he hummed, signaling acknowledgement without breaking concentration. his head tilted slightly, silent invitation to continue.
do you ever think about kids?
words once so clear in your mind, so simple in your head, at least, suddenly tangled. they became a knot in your throat, a lump of unspoken fears and resentments. the image of him, so engrossed, so far away, solidified the doubt. what if he says no? what if he doesn’t want them? what if he thinks it’s a silly question? the fear of that disappointment in his eyes, was a known, suffocating weight. you’d spent years perfecting the art of soft landings, of avoiding any ripple in the calm surface of your shared life. to shatter that now, to introduce a potential disagreement, felt like a betrayal of your own carefully constructed peace. the question of children, of your future, of his love, dissolved into a vague, unformed anxiety.
"do you…" you began, then faltered, sentence dying on your lips. "do you want some tea?"
he looked up then, slanted brown eyes meeting yours, a faint smile touching his lips. the blue light softened the edges of his face, highlighting the dimples that appeared only when he was genuinely pleased. "yeah," he nodded. "sounds nice."
and just like that, the moment passed. the opportunity vanished. you offered a small, tight smile in return, then turned and walked back into the quiet kitchen, already reaching for the kettle. behind you, the quiet settles back into place. the question dissolves somewhere between the sink and the stove, blending into the rhythm of water filling, mugs being set out, something warm being made and offered instead of something uncertain being asked. by the time the kettle starts to hum, you can’t even tell if it would’ve been the right moment or if there would ever be one.
୨୧
the supermarket was colder than you'd expected when the automatic doors whispered open, spitting out artificial chill. paused just past the entrance, adjusting your grip on the heavy cart as the air settled unwelcome against your skin. for a moment, you just stood there, letting the quiet hum of refrigerators and distant chatter fill the space around you. a shiver traced it's way down your spine, cold reminder that you had to move, and so you pushed the metal basket forward as it's wheels squeaked faintly.
there was no reason to rush. you followed the aisles in a pattern you didn’t have to think about anymore. chicken first, hand reaching for the familiar white tray. then the vegetable section. flour, again. sugar, constant drain on the pantry, always seemed to run out faster than it should. everything found it's place in the cart without hesitation, each item chosen with the same steady certainty. each line on your shopping list crossed off with a decisive stroke of the pen. at some point, you realized you had already walked down the same aisle twice.
nothing missing, nothing forgotten. the necessities secured, a small indulgence felt earned. you slowed, then stopped altogether at the snack aisle. eyes drifted over the shelves, lingering on things you didn’t need. brightly colored packaging, a mental tally forming: which ones you wouldn't you buy, which ones would san wrinkle his nose at? the familiar ritual offered a brief, quiet comfort. you imagined his polite imperceptible nod of approval when you presented his favourite chocolate covered crispy biscuits, or the slight, teasing lift of his brow if you dared bring home something too exotic.
"y/n?" the voice came from behind, uncertain but enough to make you turn, the cart creaking in protest. you couldn’t place him until the crooked smile appeared and recognition settled in.
seonghwa.
he stood a few feet away, a half basket hooked over his arm. the boy you remembered, all sharp angles and adolescent angst, had softened around the edges, but the core was undeniably him. the piercings that once studded his ears and lip were gone, leaving only ghost like indentations. but new ink snaked up his forearms, dark tendrils against his skin, a testament to a life lived beyond high school hallways. his wolf cut, a shaggy, artfully dishevelled frame around his face, was longer, wilder than you remembered. his round eyes, still piercing, held a glint of surprise, then something else, something assessing.
"oh...hi," you said, a small, surprised smile breaking through. "wait, hi."
"wow, it's really you." he smiled back, a little wider, like he’d been more sure of it than you were. "i almost didn't recognize you. you... look good, exactly the same," he added, almost as an afterthought.
you let out a quiet laugh, shaking your head. "that’s not true."
"it is," he said lightly. "just... older. in a good way."
you smiled again, more out of politeness this time, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as if to give your hands something to do.
"what are you doing around here?" he asked. "do you live nearby?"
"yeah," you nodded. "not too far. i just came to... groceries."
"right," he said, glancing at his own cart. "same."
there was a brief pause, the kind that should have felt awkward, but didn’t quite. not yet.
"so... are you still in touch with... what was her name? sarah? no- samantha?”
you smiled faintly. "no."
"right, yeah," he said quickly, waving it off with a small laugh. "i always mix those up."
you didn’t correct him. his gaze shifted then, catching on your left hand, lingering for a fraction on the thin band around your ring ringer. you followed his eyes, as if you hadn’t noticed it until that moment.
you offered a practiced smile, a smooth, well rehearsed performance. "oh, yeah. met him in college." the words came out light, airy, almost dismissive of the years of shared history, of the dreams whispered in dorm rooms, the silent promises.
"college, huh? that's nice," he said, and it sounded genuine.
"it is," you replied, too quickly. "his name is san, he's an accountant." the description felt flat, inadequate, a pale shadow of the man you loved.
"an accountant. fancy." he chuckled. "so, what have you been up to? still arguing about about freud versus jung for fun?"
"no, not really." you corrected gently. "i mean, i got a psychology degree but i'm… i'm a stay at home wife now." the phrase almost felt embarrassing on your tongue.
his eyebrow shot up. "huh... i always pictured you, like, running a therapy practice, saving the world from going insane."
you shrugged. "well, it’s nice, though. i get to... manage the house. bake. plan meals. save him from going insane, you know?" the words hollow, even to your own ears.
"i bet san’s a lucky man. always coming home to fresh cookies." he teased, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
small, tight knot formed in your stomach. you baked when you were anxious, yes. but san rarely came home early enough for the cookies to still be warm. and most of them, you gave away to the neighbours, offerings of surplus comfort. "something like that," you murmured, deflecting. "what about you? still making music?"
his face lit up, a genuine, unadulterated passion sparking in his eyes. the words lingered between you for a second before dissolving into something lighter. you talked after that. nothing important, nothing that would be remembered in detail later. work, vaguely. life, in broad strokes. the kind of conversation that filled space easily without asking too much of either of them. he asked questions and waited for the answers. reacted in the right places. kept things moving without letting them settle too long in any one place. you found yourself talking more than you expected to.
"a few of us get together sometimes," he said, almost casually. "nothing big. just... hanging out. you should come, we’re going to a friend's house next week. old times' sake."
you hesitated, not because you didn’t want to, but because you did. your mind immediately conjured a mental checklist: the laundry basket overflowing in the utility room, the dust motes dancing in the afternoon sun on the living room floor, the intricate dinner you had planned for san, a quiet attempt to reignite a spark that felt increasingly dim. the thought of all those small, domestic duties, waiting patiently for your attention, made a familiar pang of guilt twist in your gut.
"i don’t know," you said lightly, automatic refusal on your lips. "i might be busy."
"with what?" he asked curiously.
you searched for something immediate, something obvious.
"just… stuff," you said instead, smoothing it over with a small smile.
he nodded, accepting it without question.
"well," he added, "if you’re not, you’re welcome. it’d be nice to catch up properly. it’s good to break free sometimes and let loose, you know?"
a small yearning stirred within you. the idea of an afternoon free from chores, from the quiet hum of your own thoughts, from the subtle ache of loneliness, held an unexpected appeal. "okay," you said, the word simple.
"yeah?" his eyes amused.
"yeah."
you exchanged numbers. nothing ceremonious about it, a small addition, barely noticeable in the moment. "well, it was good running into you, y/n. don’t be a stranger." he offered a quick, easy smile, then turned, his basket still hooked over his arm, and disappeared down the aisle towards the dairy section.
that night, you work through the knots in your hair in front of the vanity mirror. each stroke of the brush pulls a small discomfort. the rush of water from the tap in the en suite bathroom ceases. the door creaks open and san emerged, a towel draped low around his waist. water still clings to the dark hairs on his chest, glistening under the low light. he moves with a quiet efficiency, his broad shoulders filling the doorway for a moment before he crosses to his side of the bed, carrying the clean scent of his soap. he doesn’t look at you, not directly, as he peels the towel away, letting it drop to the floor. your gaze, however, finds the smooth expanse of his back, the hard lines of his muscles shifting as he reaches for the pajama drawer. you note the way his bicep flexes, the familiar curve of his neck, the slight slump of his shoulders that wasn’t there when you first met him.
you continue brushing, rhythmic scrape of bristles against scalp filling the silence. your heart a persistent bird, flutters.
"i ran into someone today," you say, your voice almost lost in the rustle of san pulling on a shirt.
a low hum sound from inside the fabric, he pulls the shirt down, smoothing it over his chest. he turns then, his eyes, dark and heavy lidded, finally finding yours in the mirror. a flicker of something unreadable passes through them before settling into a tired affection.
"at the market?" he asks as he pulls back the duvet on his side of the bed.
you nod, watching his reflection as he settles onto the mattress, propping himself up against the headboard. "an old friend. from high school." you pause, the brush still in your hand, it's bristles splayed. "apparently some of them still hang out, and i was invited."
the bed dips as he adjusts the pillows. "that’s good. you should go." his voice is calm, even. he picks up his phone from the nightstand, it's screen glowing blue for a moment before he sets it back down.
you turn fully then, the brush forgotten on the vanity. your bare feet touch the cool wood floor. "really? you don’t mind?" you walk to your side of the bed.
he looks up, his brows furrowed slightly. "why would i mind? it’s good for you to see people. you’re always here." his gaze sweeps around the room, then back to you. "you should get out more."
the words, meant to be reassuring, land with a surprising weight. always here. a small, sharp ache begins in your chest. you climb into bed, pulling the duvet up to your chin. the sheets, cool against your skin, feel vast tonight.
"i mean," you start, choosing your words carefully, "i haven’t seen them in years. since graduation, probably." you watch his face, searching for something, a hint of curiosity, a flicker of concern.
he just nods, a small, almost imperceptible movement. "people change. that’s okay. it’ll be nice to reconnect." he reaches over, his hand finding yours under the duvet. his fingers, warm and strong, intertwine with yours, a familiar comfort. "you’ve been cooped up. it’s good to have plans."
his thumb strokes the back of your hand, it’s a connection, yes, but one that feels practiced, automatic. you want to tell him more, to say, it was seonghwa, the boy with the emo hair, the one who used to draw skulls in his notebook during history class, but the words catch in your throat. the moment feels too delicate, too easily broken.
"i guess so," you murmur, your voice barely a whisper. you squeeze his hand, a silent plea for more, for him to ask, who was it? what did you talk about?
soft exhalation that sounds like relief escapes him. he leans over, his head dipping. his lips, warm and soft, brush your forehead, then your temple, then your mouth. it’s a brief, chaste kiss, a familiar closing to the day. his lips taste faintly of mint. he pulls back, settling deeper into his pillow.
"good night, y/n," he says, his voice already thick with sleep.
eyes closing and breathing deepening almost immediately. the rhythm of his breath fills the room, steady and even. his hand, still holding yours, loosens it's grip. fingers, heavy with sleep, slide away.
darkness pressed in as you layed there, the silence amplifying the quiet hum of the city outside. your eyes trace the familiar contours of his face in the dim light. his eyelashes, thick and dark, rest against his cheekbones. faint smile, ghost of a dream, plays on his lips. he looks peaceful, untroubled.
he hadn’t asked. he hadn’t asked anything beyond the most superficial. he hadn't asked who. he hadn't asked if you wanted to go. he just assumed.
you turn onto your side, facing away from him, pulling the duvet tighter around you. the warmth of the blankets does little to chase away the chill that has settled deep within you. still, you tried to push the thought away. it’s not fair. san is tired. he works hard. he provides. this is what you agreed to. this is the life you built. you chose this, to be here. for him. but the loneliness curls around your heart. the perfection of the bed you made this morning, the carefully planned dinner, the unspoken anxieties baked into the pastries you gave away, all of it feels like a silent scream swallowed by the vast, quiet expanse of your days.
tears won’t come even if the knot in you throat screams for a cry. instead, your mind drifts to the closet, to the neat rows of clothes, the perfectly folded sweaters. tomorrow, you think, you’ll reorganize the winter section. it needs it. you need it. a small, manageable task to fill the endless hours.
y/n choi: hi, it's y/n from the store. i think i'm free that day if the invite still stands
seonghwa park: hey!
seonghwa park: yeah of course 😉
seonghwa park: glad ur coming, heres the address
seonghwa park: [location]
୨୧
the building wasn't what you expected. grimy canvas of faded brick and peeling paint that slightly unnerved you. you pulled your phone from your pocket a third time, checked the address, then glanced up at the entrance like it might correct itself if you stayed waiting long enough.
no, this was it.
bass vibrated through the pavement, pulse beneath your feet. for a second, you consider leaving, then you adjust your grip on the small container in your hands and step inside. the hallway swallowed you whole, narrow canyon that smell suspiciously of gasoline. when you reach the graffiti painted door, it was already slightly open. you knocked anyway.
there's a small shuffle inside before seonghwa emerges, his grin a flash of white teeth.
"y/n! thought you weren't gonna make it." he stepped aside, his arm sweeping an invitation.
you offered a small, polite smile, stepping into the room. the air hit you first, thick with a cloying sweetness you couldn't recognize and the acrid bite of stale cigarettes. the apartment was a controlled chaos. art adorned every available surface, canvases leaning against walls, sketches tacked to corkboards, a half finished sculpture draped in cloth in a corner. the room swam with bodies. girls, their midriffs bare, navel piercings glinting under the strung fairy lights. men, their arms drawn with ink, sprawled on beanbags or perched on the worn, leather couches. they moved with an easy, unhurried rhythm, as if the space molded itself around their presence. your modest linen shirt, a soft ecru, felt suddenly like a costume, an ill fitting disguise.
"hey everyone, this is y/n, from high school." seonghwa’s voice cut through the haze, a casual announcement.
a few heads turned, a couple of languid nods, but most remained immersed in their conversations, their laughter echoing off the high ceilings. your gaze swept across the room, searching for a familiar face, a flicker of recognition. nothing.
"it’s... nice to meet you all," you murmured, voice a little too soft, a little too formal for the raucous atmosphere. you clutched the clear container in your hands, the weight of it suddenly grounding.
a girl with a constellation of tiny tattoos climbing her neck, her hair a violent shade of fuchsia, pointed a perfectly manicured finger at your hands. "what’s that?"
you felt a blush creep up your neck. "oh. cookies. i made them." you held the container out, a silent offering.
a woman with striking, dark eyes and a generous smile detached herself from a group near the window. she wore spiked hair and her eyebrows seemed to be gone, but her presence offered a quiet anchor. "cookies! how cute. anna, by the way." she extended a hand, her grip firm and warm.
"y/n." you returned her shake, a surge of relief washing over you.
"i didn't know this was a bake sale," a gravelly voice grumbled from a corner, followed by a snort.
anna turned, her dark eyes narrowing playfully at the fat guy with a mohawk. "shut up, mark. you never bring anything." she gave his arm a quick, sharp shove. despite his joke, he came up as well.
a fresh wave of embarrassment hit you, cheeks burning as you began to stammer, "i just thought, you know, as a... a thank you for inviting me..."
anna waved your apology away. "no, it’s great! we love snacks. what kind?" she peered into the container, her eyes sparkling.
"chocolate chip. with sea salt." you offered, a small smile tentatively forming.
the lid popped open with a soft click. the aroma of warm chocolate and vanilla wafted through the air, momentarily cutting through the other scents. it was like a siren song. suddenly, a small crowd materialized around you, drawn by the scent. hands reached in, fingers deftly plucking cookies from their neat rows.
"someone brought cookies?"
"wait, i want cookies."
"no way, cookies?"
"save me one. i said save me one!"
the conversation dwindled, replaced by the soft sounds of chewing and contented murmurs. a lanky guy took the last cookie, giving you a between apologetic and grateful look and you laugh it off. within minutes, the container lay empty, a few crumbs clinging to it's clear sides. you felt a genuine smile spread across your face. the tension in your shoulders eased. "i’m glad you liked them."
for a moment everything was filled with overlapping conversations and easy movement, people drifting in and out without much structure. you sat at the couch with anna and mark. being spoken to, responded to, included without having to work for it. she asks you what else you like to bake. he asks where you live. the questions aren’t deep, but they come one after another and you answer, laugh and nod. the silence you've been carrying around doesn’t follow you in, it stays somewhere outside the door you walked through.
after a while, when the rhythm starts to feel harder to follow and topics shift quickly, you find your way back to seonghwa in the kitchen. he’s near the counter, talking to someone, but he glances over when you approach, like he’s been keeping track of where you are.
"hey," he says, turning slightly towards yo.
"hi," you answer before a small pause, then casually, "are any other people from our school coming?"
he doesn't hesitate. "nah," he says, shaking his head. "couldn't come."
"oh," you felt a pang of disappointment, small knot tightening in your stomach. you’d envisioned friendly faces, shared anecdotes, a comfortable bridge to this unfamiliar landscape. "okay."
"why?" he adds. "were you expecting someone?"
"no,no. i just thought maybe-" before trailing off, you shake your head lightly. "it's fine."
he watches you for a second, then nods once, like that’s enough.
"you’re good," he says. "don’t overthink it. come on, let’s get you a drink." seonghwa grinned, his hand briefly brushing your lower back as he steered you towards a cooler overflowing with ice and bottles.
you chose a sparkling water, the chill of the can a welcome sensation against your palm. you gravitated towards anna, who was now engaged in a lively discussion with mark about a band you’d never heard of. you hovered at the edge of their circle, listening, slowly piecing together fragments of their world. they spoke of gigs, of art installations, of obscure films, their words painting a vibrant, chaotic picture of lives lived on the fringes of convention.
as the evening continued it's slow, winding course, the hours passed by without warning, suddenly, it was later than you thought. through the subtle buzz in your veins and lightness you hadn't realized you were missing, the image of san already in bed, alone, stirred something in you. your small bag and empty container already in your hands.
"you can come in anytime, even if seonghwa isn't here." anna said before hugging you goodbye.
as you made your way towards the door, seonghwa intercepted you. "leaving already? come on, just one more drink." his voice was persuasive.
"i really should go. it’s getting late." you offered a polite, but firm smile.
he stepped closer, his hand briefly touching your arm. "you know, you’re really something, y/n. a real breath of fresh air." his eyes held yours, flicker of something unreadable in their depths.
"thank you, seonghwa. for inviting me." you pulled your arm away subtly.
"anytime. seriously. we should hang out again, just us two." his voice dropped, a low murmur intended only for your ears.
you felt a shiver, a faint unease prickling at your skin. "maybe," you said, voice noncommittal, then slipped out the door, back into the cool night air.
the street was quieter now, the bass from the building still a faint thrum in the distance. you walked and thought of the laughter, the music, the easy camaraderie, and a strange sense of longing settled in your chest. it was a world so different from your own, a world where boundaries seemed to blur, where emotions were worn on sleeves, where life felt raw and immediate.
stale cigarette smoke clung to your clothes, a new perfume you hadn't anticipated, but somehow, it felt less offensive than the lingering scent of dish soap from your day to day. your sensible sedan, parked a block away, seemed almost out of place among the battered vans and motorcycles. once you got in safely, you pulled out your phone, the screen illuminating your face with a single text from san from an hour ago: 'home. have a good time, night.' short, efficient, just like him. you stared at it and felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to talk to him, to tell him about the fuchsia hair, the tattooed arms, their reactions to your cookies, the melancholic music, anna’s kind eyes. but you tucked your phone back into your purse, the small, bright screen now dark.
you unlocked the apartment door, the click echoing in the silent space. the air inside was still, heavy with the scent of your carefully chosen strawberry cake diffuser. a half eaten bowl sat on the kitchen counter, remnants of the chicken stir fry you had prepared earlier, the pan still on the stove, a few grains of rice clinging to it's surface. a small sigh of relief escaped your lips. he had eaten. the simple act, a confirmation of your effort, brought a satisfaction to you. you moved through the kitchen, the soft clink of ceramic and metal as you rinsed the bowl, scrubbed the pan. it was a mindless task, your hands working on autopilot, while your mind drifted back to the vibrant chaos of anna's house.
the bedroom was a hushed darkness. san lay sprawled on his side of the bed, a rumbling snore escaping his lips, his face buried in the pillow. the sheet, pulled up to his waist, outlined the broad expanse of his back, the familiar curve of his spine. a sight you knew intimately, a tableau repeated almost every night. he worked hard, you reminded yourself, always.
you untangled your hair from the neat french twist, the pins scattering like tiny metallic insects onto the polished wood of your dresser. soft fingers massaged your scalp, releasing the tension that had gathered there throughout the day. you stripped off your clothes replacing them with silk pajama shorts and a matching camisole. teeth brushed and bathroom light off, the bed dipped slightly as you eased yourself in, careful not to disturb san. he remained a dark, unmoving mass beside you, his breathing deep and even.
sleep, usually a welcome embrace, felt elusive tonight. your mind buzzed, a kaleidoscope of new faces, loud music, and unfiltered laughter. the freedom of it all, the raw, unpolished authenticity, contrasted sharply with the quiet, ordered life you had carefully constructed.
shifting restless, silk rustling against the sheets. the image of the girl's fuchsia hair, defiant and vibrant, flashed in your mind. her confident stride, her easy smile. what did she worry about? did she ever feel this profound, aching quietness? you turned your head, watching the gentle rise and fall of san's back. the moonlight, filtering through the gap in the curtains, painted a silver line along his broad shoulder, the muscle defined even in repose. he was strong, reliable, your rock. yet lately, the rock was a mountain you couldn't climb.
a pang of something sharp, something akin to longing, twisted in your gut. you wanted to feel. you wanted to be seen. not just as the wife who kept the house, who cooked the meals, but as you, again. the you who had laughed tonight, unburdened. the one you knew san had fallen in love with.
your hand, almost without conscious thought, slipped beneath the silk of your pajama shorts. the fabric parted, your fingers, tentative at first, found the soft mound of your grown pubic hair, then the slick, warm folds beneath. a small gasp escaped your lips, swallowed by the quiet room. your core, already sensitive, pulsed beneath your touch. you stroked, slowly, deliberately, soft pressure building.
subtly, your hips began to tilt, involuntary movement, pressing into your palm. your fingers worked with a quiet urgency, tracing the delicate ridges, circling the peak of your clitoris. a moistness spread, warm, slick rush that dampened the silk shorts beneath your hand. the sensation intensified, a delicious ache blooming deep inside you, spreading through your belly. your breathing hitched, growing shallow, ragged.
wake up, i'm here.
you closed your eyes, a torrent of images flashing behind your eyelids. san, the warmth of his touch, a vague, undefined hunger. you pressed harder, your thumb finding a rhythm, a steady, insistent pressure. a low moan, barely audible, escaped your throat, a sound of pure pleasure. your whole body tensed, arching slightly into your hand. the climax a sudden, exquisite release, wave of heat that cascaded through your limbs, leaving you trembling, breathless.
୨୧
the shrill ring of the alarm ripped you from a dreamless sleep. your eyes fluttered open, the room still shrouded in pre dawn gloom. a glance at the clock sent a jolt of panic through you. 6:45 am. san left at 7:30. you had overslept.
you scrambled out of bed, the silk shorts clinging briefly before you shed them. the floor was cool beneath your bare feet.
"san, wake up," you whispered, nudging his shoulder. he grunted and slowly, reluctantly, stirred.
you moved with practiced efficiency, a whirlwind of motion in the quiet kitchen. the scent of brewing coffee began to fill the air, mingling with the sizzle of eggs in the pan. toast popped, butter melted, and the rhythmic thud of a knife chopping fruit filled the space. san emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed, his black hair still damp, clinging to his forehead. he looked tired, his eyes still holding the remnants of sleep, but his movements were precise, methodical.
"morning," he murmured, his voice thick with sleep. he poured himself a mug of coffee, the steam curling around his face.
"morning," you replied, already assembling his lunch. a neat stack of sandwiches, a small container of cut fruit, a handful of almonds. you wrapped it all meticulously, fitting it into his lunch bag.
"did you sleep okay?" he asked, taking a sip of his coffee. he leaned against the counter, watching you.
"yeah, eventually," you said, trying to keep your voice light. you packed a small thermos of tea. "i went to that thing last night, you know, the hangout thing?"
he nodded before picking up a slice of toast, spreading jam onto it. "how was it?"
"it was...different," you began, a small smile playing on your lips. you wanted to tell him everything, about the fuchsia hair, the tattoos, the unexpected warmth. "it was in this old building, kind of grungy, but everyone was so nice. there was this girl, sally, she had the most incredible hair, like, bright pink and her face was like a strainer, filled with piercings, it was so cool. and then i met anna, she had these dark intimidating eyes but she was actually really sweet. she’s a photographer for bands."
he turned to you with a slight frown. "y/n?"
"yeah?" you cleaned your hands with a kitchen towel.
"you're not... getting into anything dangerous, are you?"
you tilted your head, looking at him confused. "what? no, no. they were really nice people, they had this energy, like they just didn't care what anyone thought. it was kind of... inspiring."
"hmm..." he took a bite with a raised brow. "be careful y/n, you know how those types can be."
the warmth you’d felt, a flicker of shared experience, began to cool. "i am. but listen, there was also music, not like the music we usually listen to, more like a band sound," you continued, a little more emphatically, trying to inject some of the excitement you had felt into your words. "there was this guy, he had these huge arms filled with tattoos and he had a mohawk, i'd never seen one of those in real life."
he looked away again, finished his toast and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "just don’t get into anything foolish." he reached for his briefcase and lunchbox, already moving towards the door.
your shoulders sagged almost imperceptibly, there was so much you still wanted to tell him. but there was also no time, you knew. there never was. he was already halfway out the door, his hand on the knob.
"i'll make your favorite soup for dinner tonight," you offered, a last ditch effort to connect, to anchor him for just a moment longer.
he paused, turning his head slightly. a small, tired smile touched his lips, revealing the faint indentations of his dimples. "thanks, that sounds great, i'll try not to be too late. love you."
"love you," you mumbled as the door shut and he was gone, the click of the lock echoing in the now silent apartment. you stood in the kitchen, surrounded by the lingering scent of coffee and eggs.
y/n choi: hi, it's y/n, i had a really good time yesterday.
seonghwa park: hey, me too
seonghwa park: everyone loved u btw, they were all talking about how sweet you were when you left
y/n choi: really? that's so nice to hear
seonghwa park: ur coming next week, right?
y/n choi: again?
seonghwa park: yeah
seonghwa park: we hang out every weekend
seonghwa park: always at annas
seonghwa park: come ooon, ull have t come
seonghwa park: ur a part of the group now
the words, simple and direct, landed like a soft blanket on your exposed nerves. a part of the group now. the phrase resonated, a balm to the quiet ache san’s rushed departure had left behind. it wasn’t profound, not a declaration of affection, but it was an invitation, a recognition. it felt like a small hand reaching out in the growing expanse of your solitude.
y/n choi: i’d like that, thanks seonghwa.
the next week crawled by, each day a slow, methodical march of chores and quiet anticipation. the perfect bed, the planned dinners, the reorganizing of the linen closet. each task a meticulous attempt to fill the hours, to ward off the encroaching loneliness. but seonghwa’s words, hummed beneath the surface.
a part of the group now.
as saturday evening approached, nervous flutter stirred in your stomach. you pulled out a simple, soft cotton t-shirt, one you usually wore for lounging. then, a pair of well worn dark jeans. your fingers went to your hair, letting it fall, then found a simple black velvet hairband, pushing back the front strands.
the grungy building loomed, a concrete behemoth adorned with a tapestry of peeling posters and vibrant graffiti. the door stood ajar again, inviting light spilling onto the cracked pavement. but politeness, ingrained deep within you, compelled your knuckles to tap softly against it.
the door swung open further, revealing anna. her spiked hair, dark halo around her face, seemed to defy gravity. thicker eyeliner from the last time, you noticed. a cigarette dangled from her lips, thin wisp of smoke curling lazily into the air.
"well, look who it is," anna’s voice, raspy like gravel, held a surprising warmth. a slow smile spread across her face, revealing a glint of metal in her upper teeth. "you bring cookies this time, wifey?"
you laughed, unforced sound that surprised even yourself. "i didn’t, i’m afraid." faint blush touched your cheeks.
anna leaned against the doorframe, taking a drag from her cigarette. "shame. your hair looks good though, so i'll let you in." she winked, a playful glint in her dark eyes.
you stepped inside murmuring a small "thanks." she led you into the living room as seonghwa, who was meticulously cleaning something that looked like a round bottom flask, rose from the couch.
"hey, you. where's my hug?" he grinned, a flash of genuine pleasure in his expression. he offered a thight hug, quick squeeze that felt surprisingly comforting. "glad you came back."
"come on, i’ll show you my current obsession." anna, having stubbed out her cigarette in a makeshift ashtray, clapped you on the shoulder and led you to a corner of the living room, where a makeshift studio was set up. a flash unit sat on a tripod, and a black backdrop hung from a makeshift frame.
she showed you her new lighting techniques, her raspy voice softening as she spoke about her craft, explaining each of the series of prints tacked to the wall. the subjects, all punk, stared out with an intensity that pulled you in. low groan emanated from the other side of the room. mark, with his pants that perpetually threatened to slide off his ample frame, was getting another tattoo. the machine buzzing like an angry bee.
you watched, a strange mix of fascination and unease stirring within you. the raw intimacy of the moment, the deliberate pain, the permanent mark being etched into skin. it was so far removed from your carefully ordered world. visceral, unapologetic. you thought of san, of his disciplined body, his aversion to anything that might disrupt his carefully constructed order. a tattoo, to him, would be an act of reckless abandon, an unnecessary defacement.
anna exchanged a few words with the tattoo artist and you followed seonghwa and sally into the kitchen.
"tacos?" you asked, a sudden urge to ground yourself in something familiar, something productive.
"attempting to," seonghwa repeated, a wry smile playing on his lips. sally, armed with a knife, was making a valiant but clumsy effort to chop an onion. tears streamed down her heavily made up face.
"this is harder than it looks," she sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, smearing eyeliner.
"i don’t even know if this is cooked enough. it still looks… pink."
you stepped forward with quiet confidence. this, you knew. this was your domain. "let me help," you offered, already reaching for the cutting board. you gently took the knife, demonstrating a quick, efficient chop that produced even dice.
you moved with an easy grace, hands finding their rhythm. chicken seasoned, a blend of spices from the overflowing spice rack that seemed to surprise even seonghwa. you showed sally how to properly dice tomatoes and shred lettuce, your voice soft but instructive. the kitchen, which had been a scene of mild culinary disaster, slowly began to transform into an efficient workspace.
"wow," sally beamed, her fuchsia hair bouncing. "seriously, my mom just nukes everything."
it was a simple thing, a small act of connection, of contribution. but you felt useful, appreciated. the feeling was a pleasant counterpoint to the quiet solitude of your own kitchen at home, where your culinary efforts often met with san’s polite, but often silent, approval.
the group gathered at the living room again, something being passed from hand to hand. you saw it before you recognized it, it wasn't tobacco.
the joint made it's rounds, anna took a long drag, her eyes closing in apparent contentment. seonghwa inhaled deeply, then exhaled a plume of smoke that dissolved into the dim light. sally giggled, her eyes a little brighter, her movements a little looser.
then, mark’s hand, big with his new tattoo, extended towards you, holding the burning joint. the tip glowed orange, small pulsating ember. a hush fell over the group, subtle, expectant. no one said anything, but their gazes, soft and encouraging, rested on you.
your breath hitched. your mind, usually so clear, swam with conflicting thoughts. weed. the word echoed in your head, sharp and disapproving. san’s voice, clear as day, cut through the hazy atmosphere.
disgusting. it’s not a gateway. it destroys lives.
his lectures, delivered with a quiet intensity, about the dangers of drugs, of anything that clouded judgment, that compromised control. he hated it. he hated all of it. smoking, drinking to excess, any form of escape that wasn’t productive, wasn’t measured.
your gaze flickered to mark’s hand, then to seonghwa, who offered a small, reassuring nod. a strange defiance, a tiny spark of rebellion, ignited within you. san, with his rigid rules and his unspoken expectations, felt miles away, a distant, fading echo. here, in this room, with these people, there was an unspoken permission, an acceptance of difference.
you thought of the quiet mornings, the unasked questions, the emotional chasm that had grown between you and san. you thought of the lingering loneliness, the slow, insidious fading of sparks. you thought of his hurried goodbye, his preoccupation, his casual dismissal of your small joys.
a small, almost imperceptible sigh escaped your lips. it wasn’t about wanting to get high. it was a quiet protest. a moment of reclaiming a sliver of yourself that felt lost, submerged under layers of wifely duty and unspoken disappointment. it was a fleeting, irrational thought, but it felt powerful in it's simplicity.
trembling fingers, usually so steady, reached for the joint. your eyes met seonghwa’s, then anna’s. they offered soft, almost imperceptible smiles.
the joint touched your lips. the paper felt rough against your skin. the smell, pungent and earthy, filled your nostrils. you hesitated for a fraction of a second, a silent battle raging within. then, you inhaled.
the smoke, harsh and acrid, scraped your throat. you coughed between involuntary gasps. tears sprang to your eyes. the group chuckled softly. your lungs burned, heat spread through your chest, then a dizzying lightness in your head. it wasn’t pleasant, not yet. but as the initial shock subsided, a curious sensation began to bloom. a loosening. a letting go.
the world around you, already vibrant, seemed to soften at the edges. the music, a low thrumming before, now seemed to pulse with a deeper rhythm. the faces around you, previously distinct, now blurred into a warm, accepting tableau.
you exhaled, a shaky, uneven breath. the smoke drifted upwards in a cloud, carrying with it a rebellious whisper.
the taco shell crumbled in your fingers, a warm, messy embrace of seasoned chicken and melted cheese. a laugh, sharp and high, tore from your throat. it wasn’t your laugh, not really, but it escaped anyway.
"y/n, these are..." sally kissed the tips of her fingertips at once. a piece of tomato, vibrant red, clung to her chin. you watched it, mesmerized, as it wobbled precariously. like a tiny significant event.
"no, for real. this is the best shit i've ever eaten," someone grunted as they took another bite, cheeks bulging. the sound of their chewing a symphonic rhythm, wet crunch that filled the room.
you smiled, you think, a wide, unbidden thing that stretched your face. your cheeks felt warm and tingly. the praise, usually a balm, now felt like a spotlight, too bright, too focused. you didn't need to respond. the air itself seemed to hum with approval.
seonghwa leaned in, his hair brushing your shoulder. the scent of his cologne filled your nostrils. it was a new smell, suddenly potent, a story in itself.
"you have to come over more often," he murmured. his words were slow, stretched out, like taffy. "we’d starve without you."
you nodded, or thought you did. the room swirled, a gentle eddy of color and sound. the soft glow of the fairy lights strung across anna’s living room became individual, shimmering points, each one a tiny sun.
anna, perched on the armrest of a worn armchair, watched you, her eyes unblinking. she held a half eaten taco, but she wasn’t eating. she was just watching. a flicker of concern crossed her face, or maybe it was just the way the light caught her smudged makeup.
you turned your head, the motion slow, deliberate, like moving through thick syrup. seonghwa’s face was inches from yours. his eyes liquid and half lidded. a tiny mole, small and innocent on his ear. you had never noticed it before.
"you know," he began, his voice dropping, a conspiratorial whisper meant only for you, "i actually lied to you."
the words themselves were like individual pearls, strung together on an invisible thread that made your breath hitch.
"about what?" you managed a reedy whisper. it sounded like someone else speaking.
he chuckled like it was obvious. "about keeping in touch with people from high school. i don't. not really. i just... wanted you to have a reason to come."
the confession ignited a fresh burst of laughter. bubbled up from deep inside, unrestrained, joyful. it felt like a new sensation, a freedom you hadn't known existed. the idea of him lying, out of all things, struck you as profoundly hilarious.
he smiled, a slow, knowing curve of his lips as his hand, warm and calloused, covered yours on the couch cushion. his thumb traced a slow, hypnotic circle on your skin. it wasn't unpleasant. it was just... there. a sensation.
"y/n, i know you’re unhappy."
unhappiness? that was a concept. right now, there was only the incredibly soft fabric of the couch, the taste of spices on your tongue, the intricate pattern on anna’s rug.
"you deserve so much more," he continued, voice thick and low, "than whatever you’re settling for."
you blinked. his face, so close, seemed to waver, like a reflection in water.
"i want you so bad," a whisper you didn't caught on the movements of his lips, his grip tightening on your hand. "i want to make you happy."
you don't know why he kept making sounds with his mouth. the words drifted past, like smoke. meaningless vibrations in the air. your mind, untethered, floated above them, observing.
then, the world tilted. a wave of warmth, heavy and comforting, washed over you. the trip slowed, the colors blending into a soft, indistinct haze. the universe faded into a gentle lullaby.
୨୧
rough wool blanket against your cheek, smelling faintly of incense and something vaguely sweet, covering you. your eyes fluttered open. the room was bathed in a dim, pre dawn light, a pale grey filtering through the blinds. you blinked, trying to orient yourself. the couch. anna’s couch.
a low snore rumbled from the floor. you peered over the armrest. mark, a lumpy silhouette, was sprawled on a pile of blankets, his mohawk flattened. sally was curled up near him, a splash of fuchsia against the muted tones. anna was nowhere in sight. seonghwa? you scanned the room. no.
dull throb resonated behind your eyes. your mouth felt like sandpaper. you pushed yourself up, the blanket slipping to your lap. the memories of the night were a jumbled mess, like a deck of san's numbers scattered on the floor. flashes of laughter, the taste of tacos, the feeling of warmth. but specific words, specific moments, they were gone, swallowed by the haze.
you fumbled for your purse, slung precariously over the back of the couch. chocolate. a small, dark bar, your emergency comfort. you tore off a piece, the rich, bitter sweetness a welcome shock to your tongue.
you pulled out your phone. three forty seven a.m.
your heart gave a sharp, painful lurch. san. you could almost hear the silence of your apartment, the empty space beside him in bed. a wave of guilt, cold and sharp, washed over you, chasing away the last vestiges of the warm fog.
as careful as you could be, you rose quietly to not disturb the sleeping figures. your movements quiet, deliberate.
the drive home was a blur of streetlights and silent roads. each turn of the wheel felt like a small act of atonement. the city was asleep, a vast, dark canvas. then you finally pulled into your parking spot, the apartment building quiet and imposing.
apartment dark, save for the faint glow from the digital clock on the microwave. you slipped off your shoes, the sink. a plate, crusted with dried sauce, sat precariously on the edge, a half empty mug beside it. san. he had eaten, gone to bed. done.
straight to the bathroom, you stepped under the spray, letting the hot water cascade over your skin. it wasn’t just the smell, but the night itself. the laughter, the forgotten words, the unsettling intimacy. you scrubbed, hard, as if you could scour away the memory, leaving your skin, and your mind, clean and blank once more. you wanted to emerge, refreshed, as if the night had never happened. as if you hadn’t tasted that strange, momentary freedom.
୨୧
the sound pulled at your teeth. tremor in the soles of your new sneakers, premonition of the chaos within. this weekend, anna's apartment building pulsed with an unholy rhythm. this wasn't the hazy, languid hum of last week. this was a beast unleashed.
seonghwa’s band, the ruptured veins or something like that, thrashed in the living room. how they’d squeezed a drum kit, a full amp stack, and three guitarists into the already cramped space remained a mystery. mark, sweat plastering his mohawk to his skull, pounded the drums with a primal ferocity that threatened to crack the plaster. sally contorted over her bass, each pluck a sharp jab to your eardrums. seonghwa, all flailing limbs and guttural shouts was at the center. the sound wasn’t music. it was a wall of noise, an excuse of distorted guitars and ear splitting percussion that clawed at your sanity.
bodies, too many bodies, swayed and thrashed in the dim light, a sea of black leather and ripped denim. you felt like an alien even if you tried dressing in your darkest clothes. a hand, sticky and warm, brushed your arm, offering a glass. you instinctively recoiled, the smell of cheap beer and something cloyingly sweet, making your stomach churn.
seonghwa’s eyes flashed you a grin across the room, a feral baring of teeth, and gave a thumbs up. you forced a weak smile back, the corners of your mouth feeling stiff and unnatural. the volume intensified, a new wave of sound washing over you, drowning out thought, drowning out everything.
a bong, you learned, it's glass bulb milky with smoke, appeared before your face. a girl with tangled dreadlocks and eyes that swam in their sockets pushed it closer.
"hit it, y/n!" she slurred a shout, her voice a gravelly whisper against the roar.
you shook your head, a small, almost imperceptible movement. "no, thanks!"
she shrugged, apathetic, and passed it to the next person. another, a lean guy with a spiderweb tattoo crawling up his neck, who had earlier complained about the brownies you brought not being the "fun ones."
the words felt like pebbles in your throat. you had enough, you needed quiet, needed to escape the relentless assault on your ears. you navigated the throng, each step a battle against jostling elbows and oblivious revelers. you reached the bathroom and pushed open the door for the now muffled sound to lower, then you saw her.
sprawled on the cracked linoleum, half hidden by a discarded shower curtain, lay a woman. her head rested at an awkward angle against the toilet bowl, a thin stream of saliva tracing a path down her chin. she looked older than the others, perhaps in her early thirties, though the lines etched on her face spoke of a life lived hard, not necessarily long. two distinct scars stood out against her skin. her face, even in repose, held a weary resignation, map of battles fought and lost. she wasn't breathing right. shallow, ragged gasps punctuated the silence, each one a struggle.
panic seized you. you knelt beside her, your fingers fumbling for her pulse, finding a weak, thready beat at her neck.
"hey," you whispered, shaking her shoulder gently. "hey, are you okay?"
no response. her eyes remained closed, her lips slightly parted. this wasn't a drunken nap. this was something else, something far more sinister.
your hand instinctively went for your phone, pulling it from your pocket. 911. ambulance. you needed to call an ambulance. your fingers, trembling, navigated the screen.
"i wouldn't do that if i were you."
a hand, heavy and surprisingly strong, clamped around your wrist. your breath hitched. you looked up, startled. a man stood over you. he was burly, with a shaved head and a face like hammered iron. his eyes, dark and flat, bore into yours.
"unless you wanna be trouble," his voice cut through the residual band noise. it wasn't a suggestion. it was a command, heavy with unspoken threat.
your heart hammered against your ribs. you tried to pull your wrist free, but his grip was unyielding, almost bruising. "she needs help," you managed barely a squeak. "she’s not breathing right."
mirthless chuckle rumbled in his chest. "she’s fine. just had a little too much fun." his gaze flickered to your phone. "you call anyone, you’ll regret it."
the warning hung thick and menacing. you met his stare, a shiver running down your spine. the flat emptiness in his eyes, the casual cruelty in his tone, left no room for doubt. he meant it.
slowly, reluctantly, you let your hand drop, your phone clattering softly against the tiles. his grip loosened, then released. you scrambled backward, away from him, away from the unconscious woman, from the suffocating threat. he watched you, unsettling smirk playing on his lips, then turned his attention back to the woman, nudging her with his foot.
you burst out of the bathroom, the music now a mocking roar. you needed anna. anna would know what to do. anna would understand. you pushed through the bodies, eyes scanning the faces, a frantic desperation clawing at your throat. "anna!" you shouted, the word swallowed by the sheer volume. "anna!"
no one heard you. no one even seemed to notice your distress. they just continued to push each other, lost in their own discordant revelry. you spotted a doorway, half hidden behind a towering speaker, and instinctively veered towards it, hoping to find a quieter space, a less crowded corner where anna might be.
it led to a short, narrow hallway, mercifully less populated. at the end, another door, slightly ajar, spilled a soft, yellow light onto the floor. you pushed it open, a desperate plea for help forming on your lips.
the room contrasted to the chaos outside. a single, bare bulb cast a warm glow over a small, unmade bed. and there, on the floor, surrounded by a haphazard collection of worn stuffed animals and bright plastic blocks, sat anna, but she wasn't alone. a small figure, no older than five, sat nestled against her side, a book with brightly colored illustrations open in it's lap. the child, a boy with a shock of dark hair and wide, innocent eyes, looked up as you entered.
"mommy, who’s that?" his voice, clear and sweet, pierced the lingering noise in your ears like a needle.
mommy.
the word echoed, reverberated, then shattered something fragile inside you. anna’s head snapped up, her eyes widening in surprise. a flicker of something, guilt? embarrassment? crossed her face before she quickly composed herself.
"y/n," she said, her voice lowered as she gently pushed the boy behind her. "everything alright?"
everything alright? the irony tasted heavy. now, a child. her child, in this suffocating place. the realization hit you with the force of a physical blow. this wasn’t just a party. this wasn't just a group of friends messing around. this was a life. a harsh, brutal, unforgiving life that you had no part in. the music, which had been an unpleasant background noise, now felt like a blaring siren, screaming the truth. you didn't belong here. not even close. this wasn't edgy. this wasn't rebellious. this was dangerous. this was real.
you shook your head, unable to speak, your throat tight with unshed tears. the image of the passed out woman, the man’s cold eyes, the innocent child, all swirled in a sickening vortex.
"i..." you started, then stopped, the words catching. you didn’t need to explain. anna, with her sudden shift in demeanor, her protective stance over the child, understood.
you turned, a silent retreat, your feet moving on their own accord. you didn't say goodbye. you didn't look back. the door clicked shut behind you, a soft thud against the relentless thrum of the bass.
you navigated the hallway, then the living room, a ghost moving through the throng. no one noticed your departure. the band still roared, seonghwa still shrieked into the mic as he kicked the audience in the face in a blur of motion. you pushed past the last lingering bodies near the door, the cool night air hitting your face like a lifeline.
the street was alive with a different kind of noise. the band’s sound, though fainter, still pulsed through the asphalt, relentless reminder of what you were leaving behind. a group of figures huddled under a flickering street lamp, their movements jerky, unnatural. as you approached, their eyes, glazed and vacant, fixed on you.
"hey, pretty thing, all alone?" one slurred, his voice hoarse, lewd grin spreading across his face.
"where you going in such a hurry?" another whistled, a long, drawn out sound that made your skin crawl.
you kept walking, pace quickening, eyes fixed straight ahead. don’t look. don’t engage. don’t acknowledge. your heart hammered a frantic drum against your ribs. you felt exposed, vulnerable, felt the harsh reality of the street.
your car door shut like a beacon of safety at the end of the block. you fumbled for your keys, fingers clumsy with fear, gripping the steering wheel with knuckles white the whole drive back home, breath coming in ragged gasps. not daring to glance in the rearview mirror once. you drove faster than necessary.
this was not your world. this was not where you belonged. you would never come back. you promised yourself that, a vow whispered into the empty, echoing space of your car, a promise etched in the raw, aching fear still thrumming beneath your skin.
the click of the lock echoed. inside, the air heavy with scent of instant noodles and something sweet, like canned peaches. a white plastic container sat on the kitchen counter, half-eaten, a pair of chopsticks resting beside it. san had takeout. a cold knot tightened in your stomach. you forgot to make him dinner earlier. another layer to the evening’s sour taste.
san, shirtless, was just shrugging out of his work trousers when you entered the room, his back to you. he paused, one leg still in the pant leg, turning his head at the sound of your entrance. his brown eyes, warm and steady, widened slightly.
"you’re back early," he said, the words a quiet murmur in the hushed room. a flicker of surprise crossed his face. he finished pulling off his pants, tossing them onto the laundry hamper with an easy flick of his wrist.
you managed a weak nod, the muscles in your face protesting the effort, too tired to feign a smile. your gaze slid past him, landing on the bathroom door. escape. you moved towards it.
"y/n." his voice stopped you mid stride. you looked over your shoulder, hand hovering over the cool brass doorknob.
"what’s that smell?"
you didn't turn around, the lie already forming on your tongue, bitter pill. "i... i fell into a puddle earlier."
a beat of silence stretched, taut and thin. you watched him, standing there, his brow furrowed, processing your words. you waited for the follow up, the gentle probing, the concern that used to laced his questions. but it didn’t come.
"oh," he said, the single syllable flat, devoid of inflection. he picked up his shirt from the bed, pulling it over his head, then pulled back the covers.
you finally turned, gaze fixed on his retreating back, already settling in. your eyes traced the strong line of his shoulder, the curve of his neck. he was there, and he wasn't. is that all you’re going to ask? the words hovered on your tongue, sharp and desperate. you wanted him to push, to see through your flimsy lie, to demand more. you wanted him to care enough to unravel the carefully constructed facade. almost, you wanted him to know. to know about the music, the drugs, the woman, the fear, the suffocating loneliness that had driven you there in the first place.
"is that all you’re going to ask?" you heard yourself say.
he paused, his hand reaching for the bedside lamp. "is there something else i should know?'
your heart hammered against your ribs. this was it. the open door. the invitation. a single word, a sigh, a broken sentence, and the truth would spill out. you needed to test the boundaries, to see how far he would go, how deep he would dig.
"no," you said, the lie tasting like ash. your gaze held his, searching for a flicker of doubt, a hint of suspicion, anything that would tell you he wasn’t buying it.
he held your gaze for a moment longer, then his lips curved into a small, almost imperceptible smile. "okay then." he reached for the lamp, plunging the room into near darkness. he shifted, settling deeper into the pillows.
a choked sound, a low groan of frustration, escaped your lips. he hadn’t pushed. he hadn’t questioned. he hadn’t cared enough to look beyond the surface. you turned abruptly, stalking towards the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind you with a satisfying thud. the sound echoed, a punctuation mark on your silent fury.
san lay in the sudden darkness, his eyes wide open. the faint aroma of something acrid you brought and he couldn't quite place, still lingered in the air. a puddle, he thought. she fell in a puddle. it sounded plausible enough. you were clumsy sometimes, always lost in your own thoughts. he trusted you. he trusted you completely. a small smile touched his lips. it was good you were out, seeing old friends. you needed that. a small part of him felt a pang of guilt for not being able to provide more excitement, more spontaneity in your life. but he was working for your future, for your stability, to provide for you. he believed that was love, that was care. he rolled onto his side, pulling the duvet up to his chin. he heard the shower running, the sound a soft, comforting hum. he closed his eyes, his mind already drifting to tomorrow's spreadsheets, the complex equations that made perfect sense in a world that often didn't. everything was fine. you were having fun. it was okay if you forgot dinner sometimes. you could always order takeout. he was happy. he assumed you were too.
the next morning, the apartment hummed with the usual rhythm of your routine. you woke before him, the first rays of dawn painting the bedroom walls a soft grey. you made the bed, pulling the sheets taut, plumping the pillows with practiced ease. the scent of freshly brewed coffee soon filled the air, followed by the sizzle of eggs in the pan.
san emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed in his crisp white shirt and specifically tailored pants. he kissed your cheek, a soft brush of lips, and then sat at the kitchen island, scrolling through his phone.
it became a monotonous cycle of routine.
you'd have your small talk, watch him eat, his movements precise, efficient, and then he was out the door. then, you'd wander into the bedroom, the perfectly made bed an ironic symbol of your life. you'd pick up your phone, cold blinding glass, and scrolled through social media. endless stream of meaningless shorts of nothing. you'd sink yourself in bed and let the hours melt. youtube videos, a reality show you cared about for two hours, articles about celebrity gossip. anything to fill the void, to drown out the insistent whisper of your own thoughts.
you woke him, prepared his meals, vaguely cleaned what was obvious. but the moments in between stretched, vast and empty. you spent them in bed, phone in hand, the world outside shrinking to the confines of your screen. at night, you wouldn't sleep. every shadow twisted into a threat, every creak of the floorboards a reminder of unspoken dangers. san had simply mentioned you seemed a little tired. you’d blame it on a bad dream, a headache. anything but the truth. the vibrant, productive life you once shared with san, the shared dreams, the late night conversations, they felt like a distant memory, replaced by this quiet, isolated existence.
one evening, san’s footsteps echoed in the hallway, the familiar jingle of his keys preceding his entrance. he walked into the kitchen, his briefcase thudding softly onto the counter. he paused, his eyes scanning the immaculate space. the stovetop was clean, the counters clear. no scent of cooking, no simmering pots.
"i ordered pizza," you said, voice flat, emerging from the living room where you sat on the sofa, scrolling through your phone. the thought of cooking, of meticulously chopping vegetables and stirring pots, felt like an insurmountable task. the effort, the pretense of normalcy, was too much. you simply couldn’t.
"okay," his voice quiet. you couldn't decipher his tone, surprise? confusion? whatever.
for once, he didn't immediately take his laptop. he watched you, his expression unreadable. he picked up a slice, silence punctuated only by the soft chewing sounds.
"i spoke to noeul today," he said, cutting through the quiet.
you froze, a slice of pizza halfway to your mouth. "oh?" you asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but your voice came out a little too sharp.
"she was wondering why you stood her up for lunch," he continued, took another bite of pizza, his eyes still fixed on you.
"i... i wasn't feeling well," you swallowed, the pizza suddenly tasting like cardboard.
he paused, chewing slowing. his dark eyes, usually so placid, held a new depth, a subtle intensity. he studied your face, his gaze searching, probing.
"is everything okay, y/n?" he asked, the question soft, gentle, yet it hit you with the force of a blow. this was the first time in weeks, months even, that he had truly looked at you, truly asked.
you felt a wave of conflicting emotions wash over you. relief that he was finally seeing, finally asking. fear that he would see too much. anger that it had taken him this long. a desperate, clinging hope that he might actually understand.
you opened your mouth, but what could you say? no, san. everything is not okay. i’m lonely. melancholic. i’m lost. i’ve been hanging out with people who smoke weed and threaten me. i lied to you. i don’t know who i am anymore. the truth felt too vast, too overwhelming, too ugly to articulate.
you closed your mouth, nodding slowly. "yes," you whispered, the lie a refuge. "everything’s fine."
he didn’t push further. he simply nodded, a slow thoughtful movement. he finished his pizza in silence, his eyes occasionally flicking towards you. he didn't know what to do. he thought he was doing everything right, providing stability, working hard. but he felt that something wasn't actually right. he could feel it. and for the first time, the thought that his stability might not be enough began to gnaw at him.
୨୧
"well, well, well," you couldn't see seonghwa's face through the phone but you just knew a smile stretched across his face, all teeth and charm. "look who finally decided to give signs of life."
you took a breath, "i’m sorry about that. i felt a little... overwhelmed."
"overwhelmed?" he chuckled a sound that grated. "we had a blast, though. sally was asking where you went."
a forced light laugh came out of you. "i'm sorry, it's just... don't take this the wrong way but, i don't think it's my scene."
the seconds of silence made you more nervous than you liked to admit. "oh? why’s that? did anna scare you off? she’s all bark, no bite, you know."
"it’s not anna." you walked to the window, staring out at the streets. "it’s just not... it’s not for me." you chose your words carefully.
"not for you, huh... too much for the perfect little housewife?"
you didn't know what to say, or even if you should reply. this is not the way you had wanted to come off.
"come on, y/n. " his tone shifted again, becoming almost playful, seductive. "you can’t just ditch us. we were just getting to know you. and you, me, we had a connection, didn’t we?"
you closed your eyes and sighed. "i appreciate the invitation, seonghwa. but i really don’t think it’s a good idea."
"wait, wait, wait." his voice was quick, slightly desperate. "don’t hang up. this saturday. it’ll be different. i promise."
"different how?"
"no loud music. no... overwhelming crowds." he mimicked your earlier word with annoyance. "it’ll be at my place. daylight. we’ll just chill. listen to some records. maybe sally will bring her new bass. anna her camera, snap some pictures. it’ll be... a real hangout. no pressure. just us."
a day hangout. at his place. no crowds. the thought of seeing anna, of making sure she was okay, flickered. and sally. you’d genuinely liked sally. you chewed on your lip, disappearing without a trace, even from people who were clearly not good for you, felt... rude. you were not rude. you prided yourself on your manners, on leaving things tidily. this would be your last clean exit. a proper goodbye.
"it'll be calm? no substances?" you asked with a small voice.
"yeah. we'll just chill."
you sighed, a long, slow release of air. "fine. but if it gets crazy, i’m leaving."
"deal!" his voice triumphant. "i’ll text you the address. saturday. two o’clock. don’t be late, y/n."
you hung up on him, the silence of the kitchen pressing in on you. a mistake? probably. but you had to make things right. you had to say goodbye. properly.
the next few days were a flurry of quiet preparations. you found a well loved cookbook at a second hand store, it's pages dog eared and stained with flour. sally had seemed genuinely interested in your chicken tacos, you remember her bouncing as she peered over your shoulder. a small childish bunny stuffed animal, soft and grey, caught your eye in a boutique window. anna’s son. he deserved a little softness in a world that seemed so hard. you wrapped the gifts carefully, a futile attempt to infuse them with the warmth you wished you could offer.
saturday afternoon, the sun bright in the sky. you drove, the directions seonghwa had texted leading you through unfamiliar streets, past industrial parks and forgotten warehouses. the address finally brought you to a hidden nook, tucked away behind a row of dilapidated auto shops. a trailer park. a small, unexpected community of metal boxes, each with it's own patch of scraggly grass and faded plastic lawn ornaments. you hadn’t known such a place existed in the heart of the city.
seonghwa’s trailer, a faded blue, stood at the end of a gravel path. your stomach twisted. you clutched the gifts tighter, the paper rustling. you knocked, a soft tap that felt too polite for the setting. the door creaked open, revealing him. his hair looking a little disheveled, as if he’d just woken up. a faint smell of something herbal, not entirely unpleasant, wafted from inside.
"oh, you actually came." he grinned as he rubbed the weariness out of his face.
"i said i would." you offered a small smile, trying to ignore the sudden awkwardness that settled between you. "i brought some things." you held up the wrapped gifts.
"oh, for me?" he reached for them, but you pulled back slightly.
"no. for sally and anna’s son."
his hand dropped, a flicker of something unreadable in his eyes. "right. well, come on in. you’re the first one here."
the trailer was small, surprisingly neat but dim. a worn couch, covered in a faded floral sheet, dominated the living area. a small television flickered silently in the corner, displaying a nature documentary. a guitar leaned against the wall. it felt... lived in.
"make yourself at home," he gestured vaguely at the couch. "the others should be here any minute. mark’s always late. sally said she had to pick up some new strings. anna… well, anna’s anna." he laughed, a short, nervous sound.
you sat on the edge of the couch, placing the gifts carefully beside you. the cushions sagged beneath you, smell of old fabric rised to meet you. the silence, punctuated only by the chirping of unseen birds on the television, was deafening. you felt a sudden urge to fill it, to chatter, to ask about his band, about anything. but you couldn't.
"want something to drink?" he asked, already moving towards a small, cluttered kitchenette.
"just water, please." you watched him, his movements surprisingly graceful for someone so wiry. he pulled out two glasses, poured a clear liquid from a plastic bottle into one, and then, to another one that was already sitting on the counter. he didn’t seem to notice your gaze.
a tiny, insistent voice in the back of your mind, screamed. you took the glass, your fingers brushing his, skin rough. you brought the glass to your lips, pretending to take a sip, letting the rim touch your mouth, but not letting any liquid pass.
"so," he said, settling beside you on the couch, much closer than you would have preferred. "how’s... housewifing?"
you stiffened. "it’s good. i like it."
"yeah? seems a little... boring for someone like you." he leaned back, his arm brushing yours. the contact made your skin prickle.
"it’s not boring,”°"you said, maybe a little too quickly. "i like taking care of things. taking care of san."
"san." he said the name slowly, like tasting it. "busy guy, huh?"
"he works hard," you defended automatically. "he provides for us."
"yeah, i bet." he turned his body fully towards you, knee touching yours. his gaze dropping to your hands, clasped tightly in your lap. "but does he... pleasure you?"
you looked at him in shock, offended. your cheeks flushed crimson, a wave of heat rushing through you. shock, outrage, and a deep, mortifying embarrassment tangled together. you stared at him, mouth agape, unable to form a single word. the flickering television, the stale air, his proximity, it all coalesced into a suffocating pressure. "what did you just say?"
he didn’t flinch, didn’t look away. his eyes held yours, unwavering. "i mean, you’re bright, y/n. you’re smart. you’ve got this... spark. yet you spend your days fucking, polishing silverware and waiting for some suit to come home. does he ever even make you feel good?"
your heart hammered against your ribs. "i like polishing silverware. i like making a home."
"do you?" he reached out, his fingers tracing a pattern on your arm, just above your elbow. "or do you just tell yourself that because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do?"
you flinched, pulling your arm away. "i don’t appreciate that, seonghwa."
"just being honest. that’s what friends do, right?" he leaned closer, his breath warm against your ear.
the small, dusty clock on the wall pointed at four, you glanced at it, then at the door, wishing that your eyes could pierce a hole and reveal other people, anyone. yet no one else had arrived. the pit in your stomach deepened. "maybe i should call sally. or anna."
"nah, don’t bother." he waved a dismissive hand. "they probably won't even come. you know how it is." he paused, a predatory glint appeared in his round eyes. "guess it’ll be just us."
the words rang heavy and suffocating. it clicked. a cold, sickening realization washed over you. there was never "others." you had been tricked. the gifts, the polite goodbyes, all of it a naive delusion.
"oh." you stood up abruptly, the movement jarring. "i... i think i should go. maybe i should come back when the others arrive." your mind raced, scrambling for an excuse, anything to get out. you tried to infuse your voice with a calm you didn’t feel, to make it sound like a reasonable suggestion, not a desperate plea.
"don’t be stupid, y/n. you just got here." he stood and pulled you towards him. the close proximity of his body, the insufferable smell of weed making you almost gag. "you’re lonely, aren’t you? i see it in your eyes. the way you just exist and he doesn't even notice."
"i don’t know what you mean." your voice trembled.
"why? you don’t want to admit it?" he leaned closer, breath warm against your ear. his insidious words pricked at the spots. the truth of them, despite the venomous delivery, stung. but the way he was using them, twisting them, made your skin crawl.
you tried to push past him, a surge of adrenaline making you bold. “let me go.”
he grabbed your arm, his fingers tightening around your wrist. "no." he pulled you back, hard, sending you stumbling onto the couch. the gifts clattered to the floor. he pinned you there, his face inches from yours. "i know you don’t love him. you're goddamn pathetic with him and everyone sees it."
you felt a surge of adrenaline, a pumping desperate need to escape. “you don’t know anything about me. or san.” you pulled harder, twisting your body, trying to create distance.
he didn’t let go. instead, his other hand came up, resting on your arm, his thumb stroking your skin. "i know you don't love him. i know you’re unhappy." the accusation, so utterly false, ignited a furious spark within you. "why else would you keep coming back here?"
"you’re wrong!" sharp and venomous, your voice cut through the fear. "you’re completely wrong. i love san. i love him more than anything. and i would never, ever be unfaithful to him. especially not with... with someone like you!" the last words, raw and unfiltered, spilled from your lips. the thought of betraying san, of allowing this man to even suggest such a thing, filled you with a righteous anger.
a vein throbbed in his temple. for a terrifying moment, you thought he might strike you. his face contorted, a mask of rage. primal scream ripped through your mind, though no sound escaped your lips. a sudden, visceral revulsion surged through you, a raw, untamed force you hadn’t known you possessed. you didn’t think, you reacted. with a guttural cry that was more gasp than sound, you twisted your body, yanking your arm free from his grasp with a strength born of pure terror. you stumbled back, tripping over your own feet, but you caught yourself, your eyes wide, fixed on him.
"hey, y/n, calm down. let's talk-" his face a mask of something ugly. he took a step towards you, his hand still outstretched.
"don’t you touch me!" you shrieked, the words finally tearing free holding a fierce conviction.
with a desperate lunge, you pushed past him and found the doorknob, fingers clumsy with terror and heart pounding against your ribs. please, please be unlocked. the knob turned protesting a squeal. a small miracle. you yanked it open, the weak sunlight blinding you for a moment.
you didn’t look back. you ran. the gravel crunched under your shoes, the faded blue trailer shrinking behind you. you didn’t stop until you reached your car, fumbling with the keys, your hands shaking so violently you could barely push the button. you threw yourself inside, locking the doors, lungs burning. the engine roared to life, and you sped away, leaving the trailer park, the sickly rose bush, and the terrifying encounter in a cloud of dust. the gifts lay forgotten on the floor of the trailer, naive hope, now shattered.
୨୧
"i ran into someone today."
"at the market?"
"an old friend. from high school. apparently some of them still hang out and, i was invited."
"that's good, you should go."
"really? you don't mind?"
"why would i mind? it's good for you to see people, you're always here. you should get out more."
"i mean... i haven't seen them in years. since graduation, probably."
"people change, that's okay. it'll be nice to reconnect. you've been cooped up, it's good to have plans."
"i guess so."
knees drawn to your chest, the phone thrown to the cushion next to you. you had to call him, you really had to, and he did leave. cheeks damp, tiny ragged sobs caught in your throat, you barely registered when the door swung open. he stood at the doorway, crisp button down now slightly rumpled, his tie loosened. his eyes scanned the room, then landed on you. he didn't say anything, just kicked the door shut with his heel and moved towards you deliberately.
"san," you choked out a fragile whisper, "i'm so sorry. i'm so, so sorry i made you come home."
he didn't answer with words, simply sunk onto the couch beside you, the springs protesting faintly. his strong arms wrapped around your shaking shoulders, pulling you into his chest. the clean, subtle cedar scent of his cologne filled your senses, chasing away the lingering stench of smoke and fear. you buried your face in his shirt and let the dam break.
hot and stinging tears streamed down your face, soaking into his shirt. each sob tore through you, tearing sounds you hadn't realized you were holding back. his hand moved to the back of your head, fingers tangling in your hair, holding you close. he didn't try to stop the tears, didn't offer empty platitudes. he just held you, a silent comforting presence.
"it’s okay," he murmured, his voice a low rumble against your ear, "it's okay, y/n. i'm here."
fingers fisted in his shirt, the fabric stretching taut. the world outside the circle of his arms ceased to exist. there was only the steady beat of his heart, the warmth of his body, the gentle rhythm of his breathing. time stretched and blurred. you cried until your throat ached, until your eyes felt swollen and raw, until the tremors in your body slowly began to subside.
when the sobs dwindled to quiet sniffles, you pulled back slightly, your head still resting against his shoulder, your gaze fixed on the intricate weave of his shirt. a deep, shuddering breath hitched in your chest.
"i… i need to tell you something," you whispered.
he squeezed your shoulder gently. "take your time."
the silence stretched, heavy with unspoken things. you needed to say it, all of it. the truth, ugly and raw, demanded to be set free.
"i haven’t been... i haven’t been doing well, san," you began, your voice still hoarse. "not really. i mean, i love being home. i love our apartment, i love cooking for you, taking care of everything. i really do. but" you carefully searched for the right words, the words that wouldn’t sound like an accusation. "it got... lonely. really lonely."
at his arm tightening around your waist, you glanced up at his face. his brow was furrowed, his eyes filled with a deep, quiet concern, but no judgment.
"i know you work hard," you continued, rushing the words out before you could lose your nerve. "i know you do it for us, for our future, and i appreciate it, san, i really do. sometimes, i just... i just want to talk. to someone. about anything. about my day, about a stupid show i watched, about a new recipe i found. just... to talk. and you're not there."
he didn’t interrupt, just listened, his gaze steady on your face.
"and then… i met seonghwa again."
the name plastered, foreign and sharp. san’s head tilted slightly, a flicker of confusion crossing his features.
"seonghwa?" he repeated, the name unfamiliar on his tongue. "who is... i thought you said you were meeting anna? your old classmate?"
your heart sank at his innocence, at how you had let him assume with unclear conversations.
"no, anna is... seonghwa’s friend,” you explained, the words tumbling out. "she’s part of his group. he was my classmate in high school. not a close one, but... yeah. he’s the one i ran into at the supermarket."
san’s placid eyes held a hint of something unreadable. he still didn’t speak, just waited.
"i didn’t mean for any of it to happen," you confessed, your voice cracking again. "i just... i just wanted to be included. to feel like i was part of something. they seemed so... free. and easy. and i was so lonely." you paused, drawing a shaky breath, preparing for the hardest part. "at first it seemed harmless. they were just... different than me, something new. but then it escalated. the parties. the noise. the... the smoke.” you hesitated, then forced yourself to say it. "i... i smoked weed, san. once. i know, i know it was stupid. i’m so sorry."
tears welled up again and you squeezed your eyes shut, bracing for his reaction. but he still didn’t say anything, just held you closer, so you continued and everything spilled. the memories flooding back, sharp and vivid. from the hazy afternoons to the girl, her unnatural stillness and anna's so, so young son yet already involved into such a chaotic world. your voice broke with the image behind eyelids. then today, at seonghwa's. reliving the terror, the helplessness, made you shiver with a torrent of fear and disgust and self reproach.
you dissolved into fresh sobs, the weight of the confession crushing you. you waited for anger, for disappointment, for the distance to grow between you even more. but instead, his arms tightened around you, pulling you even closer.
"y/n," he said, his voice deeper than usual, a quiet intensity in his tone. "look at me."
you reluctantly lifted your head, tear streaked face meeting his gaze. his eyes were now clouded with a raw pain that mirrored your own.
"you have nothing to be sorry for," he stated, his voice firm, unwavering. "not for feeling lonely. not for wanting connection. and not for trying to find it." he paused, his thumb stroking your cheek, wiping away a tear. "i’m the one who should be sorry. i let you feel that way. i let you feel so alone that you had to look for it somewhere else. i was so caught up in work, in making sure we had everything we needed, that i forgot to give you what you actually needed. me."
fresh tears pricking your eyes, you shook your head. "no, san. that’s not fair. you work so hard. you provide everything. i should have just told you. i should have talked to you. i just... i didn’t want to cause conflict. i didn’t want to seem ungrateful."
"conflict is part of a relationship, y/n," he countered softly. "it’s how we grow. and you are never ungrateful. i know you. i just... i wasn’t listening. i wasn’t seeing. i was so focused on building a future, i forgot to live in the present. with you." his gaze was intense, full of regret. "i saw you, every morning, making the bed perfectly. i saw the dinners you planned. i saw the baked goods you made, and gave away. i thought... i thought you were happy. i thought that was just you, being you. i didn’t realize it was... a symptom. i thought stability meant happiness. i thought if i provided for everything, you wouldn’t have to worry. i thought that was how i showed you i loved you. but i forgot to show you i loved you with my time. with my presence. with my words."
"but i should have said something," you insisted, your voice still thick with guilt. "i let it fester. i bottled it up. i smoked weed behind your back. that’s not okay, san. that’s not okay."
"and it’s not okay that i left you feeling so emotionally neglected that you felt like you had to," he countered, his voice gentle but firm. "we both made mistakes, y/n. mine was in being absent. yours was in not speaking up. but none of that changes how much i still love you."
he pulled you back into his embrace, holding you tightly, his chin resting on the top of your head. you could feel the steady beat of his heart against your ear. a comforting, familiar rhythm.
"i love you, y/n," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "more than anything. and i am so, so sorry that you went through all of that. that you were scared. that you were hurt. that you felt alone. i promise you, you will never feel that way again. not with me."
you clung to him, tears still flowing, but these were different. these were tears of relief, of release, of a profound love finally understood. you felt the tension that had been coiled in your chest for months slowly unwind, dissolving into the warmth of his embrace.
"i love you too, san," you sobbed, the words muffled against his shirt. "i love you so much."
held for a long time, the only sounds the quiet sniffles, the soft rustle of clothes, the steady rhythm of two hearts beating in unison. the city outside grew darker, the streetlights casting long, pale shadows through the window. but inside, in the circle of his arms, a fragile light had begun to glow. it wasn’t a solution, not yet. but it was a new beginning.
୨୧
morning rays painted stripes across the duvet. you stirred, the warmth beside you a comforting anchor. san’s arm, heavy and solid, rested across your waist. his breath, slow and even, feathered against your neck. you turned your head, watching the gentle rise and fall of his chest. the memory of yesterday, the raw vulnerability, the shared tears, a fragile precious thing.
quiet sigh escaping your lips, you stretched with a yawn. the bed felt different today, lighter, like a burden had lifted. you eased yourself from his embrace, careful not to wake him, and padded into the kitchen. the choreography of making coffee began. the gentle hum of the machine, the rich aroma blooming in the air. you poured two mugs, placing san’s on his bedside table before returning to your side of the bed, he still slept.
you traced the line of his jaw with your finger, the slight stubble rough beneath your touch. his eyelashes, thick and dark, rested against his skin. a small, almost imperceptible smile touched your lips.
"morning," his voice, deep and gravelly with sleep, startled you. his eyes slowly opened, finding yours.
"morning, sannie," you whispered, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his temple.
he stretched, his big arms flexing, the muscles taut beneath his skin. he reached for you, pulling you closer until your head rested on his shoulder. "i’m not going to work today."
you blinked, pulling back slightly to look at him. "what?"
"i said, i’m not going to work today," he repeated, his thumb stroking the skin of your arm. "or tomorrow. i took the weekend off."
a small, disbelieving laugh bubbled out of you. "you did not. you never take the weekend off. you have that big report due monday."
he shifted, propping himself up on an elbow, his gaze steady. "i called lee at like 3 am. he’s covering. the report can wait. we can’t."
your heart gave a small, hopeful flutter. the words, simple and direct, resonated deep within you. you reached up, cupping his cheek. his skin felt warm against your palm.
"really?" you asked thin with emotion.
he nodded, a soft smile gracing his lips, revealing the faint indentations of his dimples. "really."
the weight that had pressed down on your chest for so long began to ease, replaced by a lightness you hadn’t felt in months. you leaned into him, burying your face in his neck, inhaling the familiar scent of his skin, a mix of sleep and his subtle leftover cologne.
"what are we going to do?" you murmured, the question laced with a hesitant joy.
he held you tighter. "whatever you want. show me your world, y/n."
a lump formed in your throat. you pulled back, a small, genuine smile blooming on your face. "okay," you breathed. "okay."
the morning unfolded slowly for once, no rush to get ready, no frantic dash for him to find a parking spot. you made a more elaborate breakfast than usual, eggs scrambled with herbs, crisp bacon, and slices of avocado. he watched you, perched on a stool at the kitchen island, his phone conspicuously absent. he simply watched, gaze attentive, as you moved with a quiet efficiency.
he ate with a quiet appreciation, savoring each bite. the silence between you was no longer heavy with unspoken words, but comfortable, filled with the soft clink of forks against plates, the distant chirping of birds.
after breakfast, you led him to the bedroom and demonstrated your bed making routine, movements precise and practiced. he watched, his head tilted, an expression mixed with amusement and curiosity.
the hours melted into a gentle rhythm. you showed him your small rituals. the way you organized the pantry, grouping spices by frequency of use. the careful sorting of laundry, whites, colors, delicates. the methodical scrubbing of the bathroom, each surface gleaming. he followed you, your silent observer, occasionally offering a helping hand.
you found yourself talking more than you had in months, explaining the logic behind your choices, the small satisfactions you found in these mundane tasks. he listened, truly listened, his eyes never leaving your face. it was no longer how are you? but why do you do this that way?
lunch was a rather simple affair, sandwiches and fruit, eaten at the kitchen counter. you found yourself telling him about a new recipe you wanted to try, a complicated japanese stew you’d been researching. he listened, asking questions about the ingredients, the cooking process. it felt like a real conversation, not just a series of perfunctory exchanges.
as dusk began to settle, casting a soft, blue hue through the apartment, you found yourselves in the living room. you moved the large, plush couch, pushing it closer to the wide window that overlooked the street below. the city lights began to twinkle a distant murmur from the streets.
you sat side by side, the comfortable silence settling around you once more. he reached out, his hand slowly finding your arm. his fingers traced a gentle path from your wrist to your elbow, a soft reassuring touch. you leaned your head against his shoulder, inhaling his scent, feeling the steady beat of his heart against your ear.
the silence stretched, not empty, but full of unspoken emotions, of rediscovered intimacy. you watched the cars pass below, their headlights cutting through the growing darkness.
after a long while, he stirred. his hand tightened on your arm, then he slowly, gently, pulled you onto his lap. your legs tangled with his, your body molding against his hard frame. he shifted, adjusting you until you were nestled perfectly, your back against his chest. his lips found your shoulder, pressing a soft kiss, then moving to the delicate skin of your neck. a shiver ran through you, a small, involuntary gasp escaping your lips. he kissed the sensitive spot just beneath your ear, and a soft giggle bubbled up from your chest.
"you okay? is this okay?" he murmured.
you nodded, your head resting against his shoulder. "more than okay."
he pulled back slightly, turning you so you faced him, his hands resting on your hips. his brown eyes held a tenderness that made your breath catch.
"y/n," he began, his voice soft, almost hesitant. "do you... do you ever think about kids?"
୨୧
effortlessly, he laid you gently on the bed, following you down, his body a warm weight against yours. his lips found yours, soft at first, then deepening, hungry desperation underlying the tenderness. your mouth opened beneath his, inviting him in. his tongue tangled with yours, a slow, sensual dance, tasting of coffee and him.
"mine," he murmured against your mouth, pulling back just enough to whisper the word. "you’re mine, y/n. no one else’s."
his hands, large and strong, moved to the hem of your shirt, slowly, deliberately, pulling it up and over your head. the cool air brushed against your skin for a moment before his hands were there, warm and firm, stroking your sides, your ribs, the soft skin of your belly.
you arched into his touch, a soft moan escaping your throat. you reached for his shirt, fingers trembling slightly. he helped, peeling the fabric from his broad shoulders, revealing the taut muscles of his chest before he reached around, touch gentle, unfastening the hook of your bra. the lace fell away, revealing your breasts, full and soft in the dim light. he stared, his gaze lingering and before you knew it, he leaned down, lips closing over one nipple, drawing it into his mouth. a jolt of pure pleasure shot through you. he sucked, softly at first, then harder, his tongue swirling around the sensitive peak. your breath hitched, your fingers tangling in his dark hair, holding him closer. he moved to the other breast, suckling with equal fervor, his free hand stroking your side, making goosebumps rise on your skin.
"so beautiful," he breathed, pulling back to look at your flushed face. "so fucking beautiful."
rough with desire, igniting a fire deep within you. you reached for the button of his jeans, eager to shed the remaining barriers between you, pushing them down his hips, along with his boxers. his cock sprang free, already hard and engorged, glistening in the dim light. you reached for him, your fingers wrapping around his heat, stroking the soft skin. he groaned, his head falling back against the pillow.
"baby," he gasped, his voice strained. "god, y/n."
you continued to stroke him, feeling the pulse of his arousal against your palm. your own desire mounted, a burning ache between your legs. he reached for your shorts, pulling them down with your panties. the cool air kissed your bare skin, a fleeting sensation before his hand was there, warm and knowing, finding the wetness between your thighs.
his fingers parted your folds, gently, slowly, exploring the slickness, the delicate curves of your clit. you gasped, your hips arching instinctively. he dipped a finger inside you, then another, preparing you. you were already so wet, your body aching for him. a soft squelching sound accompanied his movements, a wet, intimate symphony.
"so wet," his voice husky, eyes never leaving yours. "for me."
he watched your face, gauging your reactions, thumb circling your clit, drawing out whimpers and soft cries from deep within your throat. you writhed beneath his touch, your body trembling, on the precipice of release.
"please," you pleaded, your voice hoarse. "san, please."
he shifted, kneeling between your legs. his heavy cock, slick with your wetness, brushed against your opening. you gasped, a desperate sound. he hesitated, looking into your eyes, a possessive fire burning in his gaze.
"say..." he whispered, slightly overwhelmed already. "say you’re mine."
"yours," you choked out, tears stinging your eyes, a heady mix of pleasure and raw emotion. "i’m yours, san. only yours."
he entered you then, slowly, pushing past the soft resistance, filling you completely. a deep groan rumbled in his chest as he buried himself within you. you cried out, a sound of pure, unadulterated pleasure. he paused, letting you adjust, letting your body stretch and encompass him. the feeling was overwhelming, profound sense of fullness, of belonging.
he began to move, slow, deliberate rhythm at first, his hips rocking against yours. the friction was exquisite, the sound of your bodies joining, a wet, rhythmic shlicking. he pulled back almost completely, then drove back in, deep and hard, a sigh escaping his lips. your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, urging him deeper.
"mine," he repeated, each thrust punctuated by the word. "no one will ever... have you like this, only me."
the pace quickened, becoming more urgent, more primal. he pounded into you, each stroke sending waves of pleasure through your core. your nails dug into his back, leaving faint red marks on his tanned skin. your hips rose to meet his, matching his rhythm, your bodies a blur of motion in the dim light. the bed creaked beneath you, a testament to the intensity of your passion.
he leaned down, capturing your mouth in a bruising kiss, his tongue plundering yours, tasting your desire, your cries muffled against his lips. your climax built, a tight coil in your belly, spreading outwards, consuming you. you bucked against him, your body convulsing around his cock. a guttural cry tore from your throat as you shattered, waves of pure bliss washing over you.
the thrusts got deeper, harder, his own climax building quickly on the heels of yours. groans and bodies tensing, hips slamming into yours one last time as he emptied himself deep inside you. his hot cum flooded you, warm thick rush that made you gasp.
collapsed and slick with sweat, your legs were still wrapped around him, intimately entwined. he buried his face in your neck, his breath hot against your skin.
"mine," he whispered the promise again. "forever."
fingers tangling in his damp hair, you held him close. the noise outside, the loneliness, the fear, all faded away, replaced by the overwhelming presence of him, of this rediscovered connection. you felt utterly safe, utterly loved, utterly his.
he shifted, pulling back slightly, propping himself on his elbows, his eyes soft, heavy lidded. he kissed your forehead, then your nose, then your lips, a tender exploration.
"i love you, y/n."
the words, so rarely spoken, so deeply felt, resonated through you. a fresh wave of tears pricked your eyes, but these were tears of joy, of relief, of a profound sense of peace.
"i love you too, san," you whispered back. "more than anything."
a new chapter had begun. a chapter filled with soft reassurances, intentional conversations, and a love that, though tested, had found it's way back home. the question of children lingered, a new seed planted in the fertile ground of your renewed intimacy, a promise of a future you could now, finally, envision together.
each day a thread re-stitched into the fabric of your life together. no longer a frayed edge, but a strengthening seam. the silence shedding it's heavy cloak of unspoken expectation. now, it held the hum of shared understanding, a quiet comfort that didn't demand filling. some days you still spent less time together than you'd wanted, yet, even then, the goodbye no longer felt like a hurried escape.
you learned to speak your needs, not with the tremor of a plea, but with the steady beat of a declaration. he listened, brow furrowing in concentration, his eyes soft with an empathy he’d struggled to articulate before. you saw the effort, the conscious wrestling with words that didn’t come easily to him. it was a language you were both learning, halting at first, then gaining fluency with each shared vulnerability. he’d ask about your day, not as a formality, but with genuine curiosity, sometimes even calling during his lunch break, a rare occurrence that made your heart do a little skip. love rediscovered, a future being built, one honest word, one tender touch, at a time.
your phone still buzzed with notifications from instagram. you scrolled past anna’s stories, a flurry of candid shots from her son’s fifth birthday party. a lopsided cake, sticky fingers, a wide, gap toothed grin. you tapped the little heart icon, then saw sally’s latest transformation, her hair now a vibrant neon green. she’d posted a picture of a sizzling pan, tagged with a question about your secret to perfectly crisp tofu. you sent back a detailed message, outlining marinades and pan temperatures, a smile touching your lips. you knew, and they knew, that the physical space between your worlds had widened, perhaps irrevocably. there was no expectation of meeting up, no casual invitations to late night gigs. seonghwa’s shadow still stretched too long, too dark, across that part of your memory. the thought of stepping back into that haze, even for a moment, made your stomach clench. you had found your way back to the light, and you were fiercely protective of it.
this morning, however, began with no alarms. skin to skin, a perfect fit. he had begged for five more minutes and how could you say no when his mouth was already moving in between your thighs? lazy swipes, you felt your muscles tense slightly, then relax, his hand finding your hip, drawing you closer, before moving your legs over his shoulders. his tongue stroked the soft skin of your pussy, a slow, hypnotic rhythm.
time dissolved. the soft rustle of sheets, the faint thumping of your heart against his. the world outside your bedroom, outside this intimate cocoon, ceased to exist. you were just two bodies, intertwined, rediscovering a forgotten language.
when your third orgasm of that morning alone hit, you pulled your head back, accidentally looking at the clock and freezing, a gasp escaping your lips. he pulled back slightly, his eyes still clouded with passion, then clearing with the dawning realization. a groan, this one of frustration, escaped him.
"shit, shit, shit," you cursed under your breath. "oh, san. you're going to be late."
a deep sigh, rueful sound laced with disappointment escaped him. you pushed yourself up, pulling the sheet with you, a sudden chill striking your skin. he ran a hand through his hair, dishevelled from sleep and your shared passion. "i know." he sat up, stretching, his muscles rippling, a sight that still made your breath catch. he threw his legs over the side of the bed, the sheet falling away, revealing the strong lines of his back, the curve of his shoulders and his half erect dick.
"go, go," you urged, though a part of you wanted to pull him back, to steal a few more precious minutes. you threw off the covers, padding naked to the closet, already mentally planning his lunch.
he glanced back, a wry smile on his face. "you’re not exactly helping." his eyes lingered on your retreating figure, a spark of lingering desire in them.
"i’m making your lunch. that’s helping." you laughed shyly, a clear sound before pulling out a crisp white shirt, a dark tie, laying them out on the bed for him.
when the sound of the shower starting grounded you, you moved with purpose, opening the fridge, pulling out containers. yesterday’s leftover bulgogi, a side of kimchi, some fresh fruit. you packed it all neatly into his bento box, arranging the colours, making it appealing.
now dressed in his dark suit trousers, he emerged from the bathroom, his shirt still unbuttoned, revealing a glimpse of his chest. his hair was damp, slicked back, making him look even more handsome, more put together. he came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you back against his solid frame. chin rested on your shoulder, breath warm against your ear.
"i love you," he murmured, the words no longer feeling forced, but a natural outflow.
you leaned into him, closing your eyes for a moment. "i love you too," you replied, your voice thick with emotion.
he squeezed you gently, then released you, picking up his jacket. you followed him to the doorframe, a familiar ritual, but one that now held a deeper significance. he turned, his eyes searching yours, then he leaned down, his lips finding yours in a deep, lingering kiss. it was a kiss that spoke of hurried passion, of regret for lost time, and of promises for the future. his hand found your butt, giving it an extra, firm squeeze, a playful, intimate gesture that made you giggle.
"sannie, you have to go." you laughed against his lips.
"i know, just let me-"
he pulled you back in, tongues dancing against each other as he opened the door.
"you gotta... go... leave..." despite your protests, you were leaning into the kisses as well.
finally, when he pulled back, a wide grin appeared on his face, those dimples on full display. "i left something for you on the counter." his eyes twinkled.
your eyebrows rose in surprise. "oh?"
he just winked, then stepped out into the hallway. "have a good day," he called over his shoulder, already halfway down the corridor.
"you too." you watched him go with a warmth spreading through you, chasing away the morning chill. your cheeks burned pleasant blush. you closed the door, leaning against it for a moment, the echo of his kiss still on your lips.
a curious smile played on your lips. you turned, walking back into the kitchen, your eyes scanning the clean, uncluttered surface. amidst the neatly stacked mail and the fruit bowl, an envelope lay, pristine white, tucked beside the coffee maker.
your heart gave a little flutter. you picked it up, fingers tracing the simple, elegant script of your name. you recognized his handwriting, though it was slightly more rushed than usual, a testament to his morning scramble. you glanced back at the lace box that sat on your dresser. finally, a new companion piece awaited. you carefully tore open the seal, your breath held in anticipation.
you pulled out a single sheet of paper, folded neatly. it wasn’t a thick expensive stationery, but a page torn from a small, spiral bound notebook, perhaps one he kept for jotting down notes at work. the paper felt thin, slightly rough urough under your fingertips. the words were penned in his familiar, slightly cramped hand, some of them a little smudged, as if he’d written it quickly, probably during a stolen moment on his break.
you began to read, a soft smile blooming on your face.
my y/n:
you know how i am with words, they get stuck somewhere between my heart and my mouth. it’s frustrating. for both of us, i know. i think about that first letter i wrote you. it was bad. really bad. i cringed just thinking about it. but i tried, i guess, even if it doesn’t look like it. these past few weeks... they’ve been good, better. i hope it's the same for you. seeing you smile again, truly smile, it’s like the sun coming out after a long winter. i never want that winter to come back. i never want you to feel that coldness again. i was so blind. so stupid. i thought providing was enough but i was wrong. you taught me that. you always teach me things, even when you don’t mean to. i want to be better. for us. for you. i want to learn how to say these things out loud, not just write them down when no one’s looking. i’m sorry for the pain i caused. i’m sorry i let you feel alone. i promise to keep trying. to keep learning. to keep loving you, in all the ways you deserve. you are my home, y/n, my everything, my wife, and i will never ever let another man think they got a mere chance with you, never again. you're mine and i'm yours.
I read it jot down the ones I've been obsessed with.
I will be tagging all the writers at the very end of the post to show recognition for these lovely individuals 💜
(If y'all have any reading suggestions please let me know!)
I didn't mention all warnings, but the fics have their own, I do warn everyone reading this list to keep in mind, majority of my reading involves smut.
Some fics or most invlove these below,
IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE DNI!
18+, Smut, Fluff, angst, supernatural, strangers to lovers, slow burn, love triangle, drama, dark academic, forbidden love, hurt, comfort, Friends with Benefits, Friends to lovers, romance, enemies to lovers, dark fantasies, dark romance, perv.
ENJOY!
● ● ● ● ● ● ●
Hongjoong:
°Popular Boy - bunny-hwa
°I Don't Need Your Help - Star-byeoli
°Sweetheart - kysstar
°Part of Me - makeitmingi
°Make it Bouncy - thirteenheavens
°The Day You Ruined Me - Milatiny-xx
°The View - sungchoi
°Longing for You - Luvhcarly
°Salt on Your Crown - kysstar
°Where it Hurts - kysstar
°Missed Birthdays - kysstar
°Until I die... - Bunny-hwa
°Sacred Hell - Bunny-hwa
°30 Minutes - Bunny-hwa
°Writers Block - sangies-puppy
°Taste Test - reveriebae
°Charmed By Death - Toastedhwa
°In Your Fantasy - alanasdesire
°ON MY SKIN - Stxrrywoo
Seonghwa:
°Angel Tears - bunny-hwa
°Fan Service Special - Milatiny-xx
°Queen's Help - Ateezscupid
°Melt - Velvetdolor
°Heat - Otrastar
°Still think I'm a dream? - bunny-hwa
°Sugar and Sin - callmeagardengnome
°even my enemies know how i like my batter - jyunhology
°Courtesy Call - Stxrrywoo
°Lost in Lace - sangis-puppy
°Cockwarmer Kit - yeonlymine
°Skin - Yungistiny
°"Study Session" - Moooonandroses
Yunho:
°A Little Persuasion by Stxrrywoo
°Perv Next Door - yup-thats-me
°Gameboy - yungistiny
°Pitched Your Way Into My Heart - indigoamour
°I 🖤 Nerds - Yungistiny
°Project from Hell - yesnanasbaby
°Rightfully Mine - hwaretic
°Spoiled Rotten - Yungistiny
°Sound of You - hwaretic
°Tell me No - bananayuyu
°Into It - Ateezscupid
°Winterfall - thechaotictheoryy
°Tug and Pull - Yungistiny
°Flannel - Yungistiny
°Jealousy Jealousy - Stxrrywoo
°giddy up, sweetheart - Yungistiny
°Friendly Neighborhood Munch - teeskzagain
°Fixation Situation - sangies-puppy
°The Candy Man Can - chimicx
°The Summoner's Cost - Lovely-lillies
°Muted Audiences - Stxrrywoo
Yeosang:
°NDA - Ateezscupid
°Hate You, Want You - kysstar
°Drunk Love - kysstar
°High School Sweetheart - Luvshuu
°Enough - kysstar
°Push my Buttons - Stxrrywoo
°Hidden Desires - sangies-puppy
San:
°Pretty like Peaches - Lov3lycosmos
°Gym Activities - Stxrrywoo
°Someday - Milatiny-xx
°Stay In - Sungchoi
°You Didn't Have to Handle it Alone - kathaelipwse
°Silence on the Balcony - bruh-2004
°Cherry Hill - tofutofu
°dolce and gabbana - kitten4sannie
°d&g Prince - fadedtoneverland
°Eager to Please - Jyunhology
°Off Limits - nayiana0
°Sorry - otrastar
Mingi:
°Lovers to the Sun - byuntrash101
°Promiscuous - kisssan
Wooyoung:
°Baby Fever - last-words-ofashootingstar
°Make me - anxiouscherubs
°Any Size Can Ride - sangies-puppy
°Fill You Up - alanasdesire
°Cherry Pop - Stxrrywoo
°Mirror - cinders-ashess
Jongho:
°Rhythm and Ruin - reveriebae
°I Missed You - Star-byeoli
°Coffee-Stained Love - bvidzsoo
°Broken Wings - Kysstar
2 or more:
°♡08:00♡ (San x Yunho) - mimikittysblog
°Can't Help It, I Want You (San x Yunho) - bunny-hwa
°At the Same Time (San x Seonghwa) - mingisprincxss
°A Quick Workout (San x Yeosang) - tinybeetiny
°You Make Me so Thirsty (San x Wooyoung) - skzdust
°Arranged Destiny (OT8) - VelvetVisionsAurora
°break them (Yunho x San x Wooyoung x Jongho) - Yungistiny
🌷⌇ finding our way back; a choi jongho mini-series
ex-boyfriend! idol! jongho x ex-girlfriend! single-mom! reader
│synopsis: five years have passed since jongho last saw you. your lives have taken drastically different paths, with jongho achieving fame and you focusing on raising your daughter, nari, in quiet anonymity. when jongho discovers he has a daughter, he's determined to be a part of her life.
│genre: a slice of life, romance, fluff, some angst
│trigger warnings: unplanned pregnancy, illegitimate child, single parenthood (any other warnings will be labeled on a chapter-by-chapter basis)
│reminder: what you’re about to read is purely fiction, so let’s keep it separate from reality.
!minors do not interact!
│taglist: if you wish to be tagged let me know in the comments or here
⎰chapters:
⎡prequel: the fear still lingers
⎡part one: im not afraid anymore
⎡part two: fear of the unknown
⎡part three: facing the fear
⎡part four: confessions
⎡part five: our first day
⎡part six: the weight of fatherhood
⎡part seven: seeds of uncertainty
⎡part eight: facing the truth
⎡part nine: not on your own
⎡part ten: new beginnings
⎡part eleven: the night
⎡part twelve: little family
⎡part thirteen: after the storm
⤷ discovering us: what we can't say (special chapter)
Prompt: You tell your FWB you're in love with them (the gif is his reaction)
A/N: I know I just did an FWB imagine before this, leave me alone lol
WARNING: Smutty and kinda longer than your typical imagine, sorry (this one is SIGNIFICANTLY longer than the one I wrote for the hyungs. It's something about these maknaes that just does something to me)
1.) San
You sit in a chair next to his computer as he looks for a movie to put on. He invited you over tonight for a night cap after not having seen each other for the two weeks he was on his business trip. It was the first time you'd been apart for that long in the months you've been "hanging out" (fucking). Admittedly, in those two weeks, you came to realize that you are down bad for this man- not just for his body (although it helps)- but for his mind, his heart, his very soul. You've tried to push the feelings out for a while, but the reality is that you cannot go on like this...so, here you are, a nervous wreck as you watch him focus on his screen; his brows furrowed, thumb absentmindedly stroking his bottom lip. God, he's so beautiful like this... "I'm thinking of an action movie but I could go for a horror film too, it just depends on what you're trying to-" "San..." "Mm?" "I...I kinda wanted to talk about something." "Okay, what is it?" He asks, not taking his eyes off the screen, thinking you're just gonna bring up some silly conspiracy theory or piece of gossip like you always do. You're thankful he isn't looking at you because you're sure that, if he does, you'll lose all your nerve. "Well, I uhm...while you were gone, I was doing a lot of thinking-" "As per usual," He chuckles softly, still looking for a movie. You laugh nervously, "Yeah...I...I do do that..." You swallow, your heart pounding in your ears, "Anyway...I kinda came to a sort of...conclusion about something." "Oh? And what conclusion was that?" You close your eyes for a second to center yourself. This is it. Just breathe... You open your eyes slowly, locking in as you say, "I love you." You watch as your words click in his brain, his eyes reacting before the rest of his body as he looks at you. He doesn't say anything- not at first- and you feel like you're gonna throw up. Should you run? Fuck. This is torture. "I know you probably didn't wanna hear that, and that's fine. I really needed you to know, though. These two weeks were...honestly so lame without you. I didn't realize I'd miss you so much and I just wanted to be honest-" You ramble on, as you've always had a proclivity to do. Unexpectedly, he rises from his desk chair, staring down at you. You feel like a deer in the headlights, unsure of how he'll react- and then suddenly, he's squatting to wrap his arms around your bottom half and scooping you up. You don't even have a moment to react before he's tossing you onto his bed, his eyes absolutely fixed on you, as though you've flipped a switch within him. He climbs on top of you, his arms flexing deliciously under his weight as he hovers over you, "You are the only thing I thought about while I was away..." He says, only centimeters from your lips. His nose gently brushes against yours. Your heart flutters in your chest. Closing your eyes, you softly exhale, "Then say it back." "I love you," He whispers, "More than you can imagine." With that, he's finally pressing his lips against yours, his body caging you in. You can feel his hardness against your clothed heat, and it makes you desperate for more. You gently buck your hips upward, just wanting to get a little bit more friction, and his body responds instinctively. He lowers himself so that his pelvis is resting more directly against yours, and slowly, he begins grinding down. He pulls away to kiss your neck, then your chest- all the while, his cock aches to be buried deep inside you. Two weeks without you really was fucking agony. No amount of jacking off could ever compare to all the times he put you through this very mattress. "I want more..." You beg, trying desperately to tug on his shirt to take it off of him. He rips himself away from you and gets up off the mattress, "You want more, baby?" He asks, his breathing ragged as he looks at you, so pretty and desperate on his bed. In seconds, he's flinging his shirt off and tossing it to the side- his rippling torso catching the light in just the right angle, accentuating every single muscle. "I'm about to give you fucking everything."
2.) Mingi
The filthiest fucking sounds fill your bedroom as his pelvis slaps against your ass, his enormous hands digging into the soft flesh of your hips as he slams against you with ferocity. His grunts are absolutely sinful- though hearing your whimpers of pleasure are like heaven to him. "Mingi- oh fuck," You whine, clutching desperately at the pillow by your head. "Mm...you know I love that tight fucking pussy," He swears through clenched teeth. Without warning, he pulls his dick out of you- the sudden empty feeling making you quiver- and then, as though you weigh absolutely nothing, he's flipping you over onto your back, hooking his arms under your thighs to bring you to the edge of the bed, "You're so pretty," He praises. He scoots back a bit, stilling for a moment to spit on your pussy, watching it dribble down. He grabs the base of his cock, aligning himself so he can put it back in- though he first rubs the saliva in with the tip, "You're taking me so well, baby," He mutters, "Think you can take a little more?" You nod hungrily, "Yes, please." He smiles- it's that same beautiful, dark smile that always reels you in- the one you're absolutely weak for. He keeps his eyes on you, wanting to see your reaction as he proceeds to ram his cock in you, making you gasp as he bottoms out in you. In a haze of euphoria, you cry out, "I fucking love you!" His smile only grows darker as he uses your words to drive him further. If there's something he loves more than fucking, it's being absolutely adored. He continues his merciless pace, "Say it again," He hisses. "I love you, Mingi," You whine. Slowly, he takes his eyes off you and lifts his gaze to the giant closet mirrors right across from him. He takes in the sight of himself, glistening with sweat, his muscles defined and tight- the way his waist looks with your legs pushed up against him like this, "Say that shit again," He say through gritted teeth, feeling himself closer than he ever.
3.) Wooyoung
He sucks gently on your nipple, eliciting the sweetest moans from those pretty glossed lips. His hand rubs hard, diligent circles on your clit, keeping a steady rhythm as he works for your orgasm. "Wooyoung," You moan, bringing your hand up behind his head to let it rest in his hair. "Fuck, you're so hot when you say my name," He says breathlessly, planting butterfly kisses around your nipple. When his hand gets tired, he finally gives himself a rest, though not before bringing his fingers to his mouth, sucking each finger thoroughly. He's so dirty- you love it. He reaches over to grab the vibrator that lays next to you on your bedspread. The tool itself is one of those pink rabbit ones with the little ears for your clit. It's his favorite to use on you, as it always gets you absolutely gushing for him. Your heart flutters in excitement- you were already close to orgasm with just his hand, and you know this is going to get you there quick. He turns it on, adjusting the vibration level before gently teasing your clit with it. "Mm..." You tilt your head back and let your eyes flutter closed. He watches excitedly as he keeps rubbing your clit with the largest part of the vibrator- the one meant to go inside you. This is just as much a treat for him as it is for you; his favorite part is always seeing your face when he finally puts it in. "Don't tease me too much- you'll make me cum," You breathe, trying to center yourself. "And if you do, I'll just keep going until you cum again." "You're wicked," You moan, shifting under the vibration. He smirks, teasing for only a moment longer before finally aligning it to your pretty hole, "I'm wicked, am I?" He asks, twirling the silicone cock around just at your entrance without inserting it. "Wooyoung, please." "Beg harder." "Please fuck me with it, Wooyoung." Satisfied with your begging, he finally inserts it- nice and slow, allowing you to adjust. Immediately, your moans become more erratic, "Oh my God." He pumps in and out with gentleness. Finally, he adjusts it so that the bunny ears are right on your clit. The feeling is overwhelming- "Yes, yes-" You sigh, grinding your hips upward on instinct, though there's nothing to grind against. He occasionally places kisses on the insides of your thighs. You feel so impossibly full- like truly, filled to the brim, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum-" Your words come out in a rush, as they always do when you're near your climax. He keeps at it as his own hunger to see you unravel rises as well, his cock twitching at the sight. "That's it, come on," He grits, and suddenly, you feel his teeth taking hold of the soft flesh of your inner thigh. It's a complete shock to your senses, and you let out a yelp- a combination of pain and pleasure as you reach down over his hand to yank out the vibrator. Your orgasm is a waterfall, bursting forth against his face and bare shoulders. He quickly laps it up with fervor, his tongue licking your clit like a fucking ice cream cone. You write in pleasure, involuntarily raising your hips off the mattress- though he holds you tight, intent on cleaning up every drop with his tongue. Your moans are his greatest pride- pride he feels every single time you cum for him.
When he finally pulls back, his lips shine with your slick, a smug smile on his face. "I will never get tired of that," He says, giving your pussy the most chaste kiss one could possibly give, and grabs the towel he'd prepared beforehand to wipe you down. You watch him, in a near-drunken state as he takes care of you. He's always like this- being so affectionate and loving- not just with you, but with everyone around him. You love that...you love everything he is. "I love you," You say lazily, reaching down to run your hand through his hair. He seems taken aback for a moment, and then, to your surprise, he lets out a laugh- not a small one; a big laugh like he always does when he finds something hilarious. You furrow your brows in confusion. "Imagine," He says between laughs. "Imagine...what?" "Imagine you being serious." You're quiet for a long moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that. He then realizes that you are, in fact, serious- and then his smile fades slightly, "Wait, you're...being serious?" He asks, an incredulous look on his face. You swallow, looking down at your hands, "I am." "Wait, what? Y/n," He tilts his head, his smile completely gone, replaced by a look of...judgment? "Why the fuck would you do that?" "Do what, Wooyoung? Love you?" "Yes!" He slaps his forehead. You don't even know how to respond, feeling incredibly stupid, all the sudden. He groans, rubbing the same hand he slapped against his forehead, down his face, "Y/n, can I be real with you for a second?" You furrow your brows, staring at him in silence. "I have a lot of fun with you and all, but I'm...also kind of having fun with a few people right now..." "Wooyoung, just stop talking," You roll your eyes, feeling thoroughly embarrassed, moving off the bed to stand up, "Y/nnnnn," He whines, "Don't be mad. I'm just being honest." "Yeah, I got it. Thanks," You go to reach for your tee-shirt, but in the blink of an eye, he's crawling across the bed and lunging at you, engulfing you in a big hug, "Y/n...." He grabs the side of your face and peppers your cheek with kisses. At first, you try to push him off, feeling irritated at how...normal he's being, after such an intimate confession- but after a moment, you find yourself melting under his affection. "Wooyoung," You try to sound stern, but you know it's a losing battle. "Mmmmmmmmm," He whines, still kissing you, his grip around your waist becoming even tighter as he pulls you back toward the bed. "Wooyoung!" You laugh as he finally makes the both of you stumble backwards. Shit...this love is gonna fuck you up, for real.
4.) Jongho
Your bare back knocks into the wall behind you as he slams into youur heat. His hands hold you firmly, keeping you steady while your legs are wrapped around his waist. He's stronger than any of the men you know, and he loves to show off every chance he gets. His grunts of pleasure fill you with even more desire, and you can't help but want to bring him impossibly closer. Sensing this, he lets one hand go, sandwiching you between himself and the wall, while the free hand comes to the back of your neck, bringing you forward so he can kiss you. His lips are so soft and sweet; a big contrast to how hard he's fucking you. "Jongho..." You moan into his mouth, and he gladly swallows it up. You didn't used to do that before...kiss, that is. When you first started sleeping together, you'd laid out pretty clear ground rules; kissing was on both of your no-go's, as you'd both felt it to be far too emotionally intimate. Over time, however, that started to change- and not just that, but...everything. At first, you'd meet at one another's apartment: you'd go, get it in, clean up, and leave. It was just sex- good sex- but sex nonetheless...and then, one night, you guys had had a little bit to drink. It was a rare occurrence, as you didn't really hang out outside of the bedroom. He looked so good that night- you remember it clearly- and it was like something clicked. You were always attracted to him, obviously, but you suddenly felt so...ravenous- and you could see he felt it too. In one swift moment, as though through some kind of telepathic communication, you were on each other, hot and panting as your lips crashed in the most intimate kiss you've ever had. In that moment, it was like your very souls were connected. From then on, it's been like this- passionate kisses as he holds you against him like he's afraid you'll float away- saying the night, waking up and having coffee together. Sometimes, you'll even just...hang out. He'll say he wants to see you, and sometimes it means he wants to see you naked, and other times he just...actually wants to see you. "Shit, Y/n, I think I'm close," He pants, his pace becoming more erratic. "I am too," You hold onto him for dear life. "Shit, shit-" His pelvis slaps against your pussy, marking each and every thrust until he's finally cumming inside you (another thing that's changed between the both of you, ever since you got on the pill a few weeks ago). He covers you in kisses as his cock continues spurting a bit more. He always gets extra affectionate when he cums. He doesn't pull out, choosing instead to bring his hand to your pussy, still holding you as his other hand rubs against your clit. "Oh....oh God...Jongho..." You moan his name, unable to say anything else- your brain is short circuiting as you near your climax. "Come on, Y/n...cum for me- you know you look so beautiful when you cum," he says, eyes focused completely on your face- he loves seeing your distorted expression whenever he draws that orgasm out of you, every. single. fucking. time. Your mouth hangs open, never dropping his gaze, going completely silent for a moment before you let out the biggest whine you've ever given, feeling your entire body tense and then completely releasing all over his pelvis and hand. Your eyes widen, completely shocked at just how much came out of you. "Good fucking girl..." He mutters, staring down at your glistening cunt. He slowly puts you down and guides you to the bed, though he races to get you a towel first to lay on.
You lay back, falling into the mattress with a soft thud. You're both exhausted- but it's the good kind of exhausted- the kind that makes you feel like everything is right in the world. That's how you often feel when you're with him. He climbs onto the bed and lays down next to you, staring down with those pretty, dark eyes of his. "What are you lookin' at," You say, pretending to mean-mug him. "That's what the fuck I'm tryna figure out," He scrunches his nose in mock disgust. You go to playfully shove him, but he catches your hand, his disgust turning into a smile as he brings your hand to his lips. He kisses the back of it first, then flips it over to kiss your palm. You watch in adoration...this man is a fucking dream come true. "Jongho..." Your shift in tone makes him look up at you, and he pauses from kissing your hand, "What do you think about me?" Your question gives him pause, and he tilts his head, "Why do you ask?" "Just answer." He's quiet for a little longer- then, he does something unexpected. Slowly, he guides your hand to lay flat against his chest- and you realize how hard his heart is pounding. He doesn't break eye contact- just watches you, until he finally says, "That's what I think about you." You keep your hand there, feeling the mix of his heartbeat and body heat, and you finally feel safe enough to lay yourself truly bare before him; "I love you, Jongho." And then, as though he expected you to say it, he doesn't miss a beat as he says, "I love you too."
summary: everyone is pretty sure that jongho is dating someone. in fact it might be super obvious.
authors note: there needs to be more jongho fics in the world
masterlist // request: open
——————————————————————————
“Have you noticed that Jongho seems…happy recently?”
Hongjoong slow blinked at Mingi. He’d woken up to a message from his younger member, asking him to be in the living room when Jongho goes to the gym that evening.
At the end of the message, Mingi had added: don’t tell jongho. It’s IMPORTANT.
All caps.
The members, baring Jongho who had shouted his exit from the dorm right on schedule, gathered on the sofas and watched Mingi with interest.
“You called a meeting,” Seunghwa said slowly, “because Jongho is…happy?”
Mingi huffed and shook his head. “No, not just happy. Like really happy.”
San tilted his head. “I’m not following.”
Mingi leant forward and lowered his voice, words coming out in a whisper. “I think Jongho is dating.”
Hongjoong blinked again. Dating? Their maknae? And they didn’t know about it? It sounded ridiculous. The eight of them were crammed into each other’s spaces pretty much at all times, during their free time and much of their work hours. It seemed inconceivable that anything secret could be taking place at all, let alone a whole separate relationship, but Mingi looked dead serious, not a hint of a joke in his voice or on his face.
That didn’t stop Wooyoung from laughing though. “Jjong? Dating? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m not,” Mingi insisted, eyebrows furrowing in offence. “Like, have you noticed he’s been going running recently?”
“And?”
“Jongho hates running for the sake of running,” Mingi reminded them. “He already goes to the gym every night, why add on morning runs? And, what about that time he brought choco pies but wouldn’t let anyone eat them? He kept saying ‘they’re not for you’. But he’d always share his snacks before. Who were they for?”
Yeosang pressed his lips together into a hum, turning his eyes to the ceiling as he thought. “He has been smiling at his phone more,” he offered.
“Ooh, and he’s been locking his phone when I come up behind him,” Yunho jumped on, leaning forward in his chair.
“See?” Mingi pointed, “Like he’s hiding something.”
Hongjoong could see the pieces knitting together, but coincidences didn’t mean anything. Not really. “Jongho is allowed to have privacy, and go on runs, and not share his snacks,” he reminded them, “but I do admit, it seems fishy.”
“I think I know who it is too,” Mingi announced, his smile wide and confident as he saw the member’s coming around to his idea. He said your name simply and clearly.
“The make up artist?” San asked.
You’d been working as part of their glam team for a while, on big and small projects. You’d be shy at first, quietly starstruck but intensely professional. They’d broken down the walls in the way they had with all those they worked with consistently - professional friendship is what they’d call your relationship.
“Why her?” Yeosang asked.
Mingi gave a one armed shrug. “He’s softer with her, I don’t know.”
“He could just be being respectful,” Hongjoong argued but Mingi shook his head in disagreement.
“I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel like that,” Mingi murmured, “sometimes I think I see him looking at her and it’s just…different.”
They thought back to the last time they’d seen you two together, preparing for a photoshoot. You had laughed with all of them, told jokes and got teased in return. Jongho had definitely been speaking to you, his voice low, private. You had blushed and smiled. Maybe that was warmer than with the other members too. Maybe.
“Why wouldn’t he tell us if he was?” Wooyoung pouted.
Seunghwa flicked his ear. “Because none of us would let him live it down.”
“So, do we…wait for him to tell us?” Yeosang asked.
There was a long pause before San leant forward, a sly smile breaking across his face. “50,000 won for whoever gets a confession,” he challenged.
“You can’t seriously be betting on this,” Seonghwa shook his head, “Make it 50,000 and paying for the next BBQ meal.”
“Deal,” Mingi agreed.
“I want my winnings in cash please,” Yunho teased.
Hongjoong pinched the bridge of his nose and couldn’t help but laugh.
-
You got the ‘coffee?’ message about 3 hours into your day. Your team meeting had just finished, organisation of jobs and glamour looks for the next photoshoots, video shoots and upcoming live stages. It was a lot of information that was settled in front of your head, messy notes scrawled on to lined paper and an increased to do list. You were relieved at the chance to clear your brain, even just for a moment.
You made your excuses for your sunbaes and made your way out of the main team work space.
You always met in the same place, a hidden corner between the recording studio and your usual office. It wasn’t exactly private but in the fast paced work day, there was only so much time you had. It hadn’t started out as a ‘date’ (Jongho wouldn’t let you call them that because I can do way better than this) but you had to stop yourself from skipping in excitement.
He was in comfy clothes, baggy shirts and sweatpants, a usual work day outfit. “Recording all day,” he’d told you. You weren’t sure if he’d actually be able to slip away but of course he could.
He always found a way to see you.
Jongho had a tray of drinks at his feet, and he held yours out as you approached. You couldn’t lean in as close as you wanted, couldn’t curl your fingers around the base of his neck or kiss him like you wanted. You smiled sweetly. He made sure his fingers brushed against yours as you took the take away cup.
You took a sip and hummed. “With hazelnut today?”
Jongho gave a half shrug. “Hazelnut is for planning days.”
You’d told him that once, that the extra boost was always needed to get you through those long meetings. You couldn’t stop the grin that formed around your straw.
He rocked forwards and backwards on his heels, letting his elbow knock against your arm. It shouldn’t make your heart rate pick up, but it does, just the same as if he had slid his arm around you.
In this closeness, both of you could forget expectations, forget boundaries and just be.
Jongho reached out to brush a stray strand of hair behind your ear, following around the curve of your jaw. He kept the contact as long as he could, unwilling to let go before he had to. The gentleness belied the pounding of your heart in your chest.
“Did you sleep well?” He asked quietly.
“Well enough,” you promised, “just…a long morning.”
He hummed in understanding, and brushed his thumb along the clef in your chin.
“Jongho?”
You both startled at the name, a familiar voice that pierced the comfortable silence that blanketed you. Jongho’s hand dropped.
Behind Jongho, Yunho stood in the hallway, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, which lifted a moment later, eyes jumping between the two of you. Your heart thudded, and your head ducked, avoiding eye sight.
You didn’t see Jongho’s face harden just so, from the face he wore with you, to the one he wore with his members. Still soft but different. It always felt different with you.
“Hyung,” he greeted easily. When he turned, his broad shoulders blocked you from view just so. “Manager-nim asked me to drop a drink to ——-sshi.”
“Manager-nim…” Yunho repeated slowly.
Jongho hummed, bent to pick up the members iced drinks, melting freely in their holder on the floor. “Couldn’t you wait for your drink?” He complained.
“Thank you Jongho-sshi,” you murmured and bowed deeply, before making your exit.
Later, Jongho would apologise against your temple, muttering his complaints about impatience things, and laughed when you suggested a better meeting place for their coffee dates.
“It’s not a date,” he corrected.
-
Yunho: he lied, i can’t believe he lied to me
Yunho: we need to have serious words with jong about this
Yunho: and he just sat their in the recording studio
Yunho: like it didn’t matter
Yunho: with his drink of lies
Hongjoong: i think you’re taking this too personally
-
Jongho gave his clothes freely to you. In fact, you were pretty sure he was deliberately leaving them around. There was always a reason for you putting on a hoodie or t-shirt of his, each excuse more outlandish than the next. Not that you it stopped you from actually wearing them. You liked wearing his clothes as much as Jongho liked you in the them.
But then things like this happen. He leaves the wrong hoodie at your home and, on your late start day, you’re woken up by a phone call with a sheepish Jongho telling you that his manager says that jumper needs to go back into catalogued rotation.
“Can you bring it for me?” He asked.
You stifled a yawn. “I can’t exactly say no can I?”
Jongho huffed a laugh. “I’ll bring you another one,” he promised.
“One I can keep this time.”
When you go to find him, he’s in the dance studio. You had suggested that you just put it on the hanger yourself, since you were going that way, but Jongho had reminded you it would look weird for you to have the clothing that he was supposed to have kept. The reminder was like ice down your back.
Right, of course. Sometimes, you forgot that you were keeping things quiet when Jongho had taken over so much of your life at this point.
He’d sent you a text, letting you know that the coast was clear, and so you had gone to him. Jongho smiled at you, eyes creasing sweetly in the corners, as soon as the door slid closed behind you.
“You’re a lifesaver,” he muttered, hand slipping over yours to handle the bag.
“I am missing sleep wear,” you counted.
His eyes moved from your face, down, with a knowing tilt to his eyebrows. “Don’t worry on my account,” he teased, “I don’t mind.”
Your cheeks burned. “Jong,” you admonished, but he didn’t blink, grin widening into a smirk, a cheeky dance in his eyes.
Like this, when it was just the two of you, things felt easy. The knot that had formed in your stomach lessened, your shoulders felt lighter and, for a moment, you were just every other couple.
Jongho was still holding your hand, and he used it to tug you closer. You went willingly on stumbling feet until your shoes bumped together. That was the thing with Jongho, you had realised early on - you couldn’t resist.
“You look pretty,” he murmured, voice soft and honest, eyes jumping around your face as he took in everything.
You flushed and bite your bottom lip as you smiled. You weren’t used to compliments, not the way that Jongho did them. So earnest, so honest, just for you.
You almost missed the door opening behind you. But then Jongho’s hand was slipping from yours, feet stepping back and the distance between you felt like a sudden dunking in ice.
You turned to see Seonghwa, dressed for rehearsals, pausing in the doorway. “Oh, am I interrupted something?”
“Of course not, Seonghwa-sshi,” you answered quickly. “I was just….”
“Dropping off something for me,” Jongho finished.
“Yes,” you nodded, “and now that I have, I’ll go back to work.”
You bowed to both members before making your leave. You barely heard Seonghwa’s soft, “have a good day”, as you sped past him.
This was happening more and more, and honestly, you were not the best liar under pressure.
But when he pressed you into the mattress that night, kisses burning as they trailed down your neck, you found yourself repeating that the lie was worth it.
-
Seonghwa: i asked him why ——- would have his hoodie
Seonghwa: but he just pretended he couldn’t hear me
Yeosang: i think we need a more direct approach
Yeosang: lets be honest
Yeosang: jongho would never lose a battle of wits
Yeosang: especially against you clowns
Wooyoung: rude
Yunho: and yet fair
-
It was four hours into a photoshoot when Wooyoung noticed. They were doing a photos in pairs, Jongho and him, as part of the upcoming comeback. He couldn’t remember if this was for the album or a photocard or anything else. The photographer, Byungmin, was a new hire. They’d done a few shoots before but this was the biggest one he was leading.
“The concept is rock gods, got it?” Byungmin had expressed.
Wooyoung had an elbow resting on Jongho’s shoulder, jaw angled upwards as they stared down the camera.
“Excellent,” Byungmin checked the image through his lens, and gave a satisfied grin, “last one, and we’re good. Can you turn to face each other? Think enemies during peace time. Verge of fighting. I want to feel the tension through the camera.”
Around them, the photography assistants fluttered, readjusting limbs and leg stances until they got the approval of their boss. Wooyoung didn’t enjoy this part of the job - the hands that pushed and prodded and arranged you like a child would a doll. But he let them, did as he was told, and waited to be told he was done.
Wooyoung’s head was angled downwards by one of these insistent hands. His eyes followed downwards momentarily, and he caught it. Just below neck line. Wouldn’t even have been noticeable if it wasn’t for the way he was standing and that he looked down just as Jongho’s collar was readjusted.
Lip marks.
Those were lips marks on his collar.
Jongho had lipstick marks on his collar.
It was pink, a noticeable shimmer on the curve of Jongho’s neck. It sat there, like a hidden claiming mark.
Byungmin paused to tell Wooyoung that childish wasn’t really the vibe of the shoot right now.
“Sexy, right? Alluring,” he reminded.
“Of course, sorry,” Wooyoung apologised quickly. It took a moment to school his features appropriately, professional as he was. He couldn’t stop the way his body hummed in excitement and his fingers tapped an agitated beat against his thighs.
Oh, he couldn’t wait to see Jongho’s face.
Jongho noticed the behaviour change, and arched an eyebrow in silent question. What’s up with you?
Wooyoung returned the look, teasing, letting his lips twitch upwards into a giddy smile.
He leant closer for a moment, tried to make the movement smooth and effortless, just another poise, as he whispered, “Next time, you should probably tell your girlfriend not to wear lipstick on a shoot day.”
Jongho’s lips turned downwards into a frown, confused.
Wooyoung grinned, eyes darting to his neck for a moment. When Byungmin ended the shoot, and called for the next pair - Mingi and Yeosang - to make their entrance, Wooyoung tapped his own neck knowingly.
He laughed when Jongho’s ears went red.
-
Wooyoung: IT WAS PINK DO YOU KNOW THAT MEANS
Hongjoong: Jongho looks good in pink
Seonghwa: it was really obvious and we’re all blind that it took us that long to notice that he’s dating anyone
Mingi: jong is getting smooches
Mingi: and you’re not
Wooyoung: rude san would smooch me
San: don’t drag me and my smooches into this
Yeosang: can we please stop saying smooches?
-
“I think they know,” Jongho mused.
It was late. Jongho had gone on his usual workout session at the gym before making the short walk to your apartment. He’d showered, redressed himself in cleaner clothes, and made himself at home on your sofa.
It was a part of life now, the end of each of your days that you enjoyed every moment of. It wasn’t exactly sneaking around, but it was private, just for the two of you. Everything with Jongho was quiet, private. A comforting touch, a familiar sigh.
The televison was playing the ending credits of a drama you had been watching together. Soon, it would be time for Jongho to head back to the dorm rooms, a time that made your stomach twist with bittersweet longing. Which was silly, you knew, because you’d only see him again the next morning. You just wished these moments could stretch on.
You huffed a laugh. “I’m surprised it's taken them this long. Honestly, you’re not exactly subtle.”
“Who left their lipstick on me?” He challenged.
You groaned in embarrassment. Honestly, you couldn’t believe that had actually happened. A momentarily weakness that had seemed thrilling and sexy at the time, now just made you feel deeply mortified. “You’re the one that said Seonghwa has been asking about the missing hoodie since it happened,” you reminded.
“Hey, the hoodie one wasn’t my fault,” he argued, “You borrow a lot of my stuff.”
“You let me,” you challenged.
Jongho’s fingers slid along your chin affectionately, smirking at the blush that bloomed on your cheeks. “But you look so cute in them,” he murmured.
“Jjong,” you slapped a hand against his chest, “Don’t start something you can’t finish.”
He arched an eyebrow, challenge clear in his face. You wanted to accept it, let him show you, but you were firm. Your fingers curled into the loose ties at the front of his hoodie. “You need to get back.”
Jongho hummed. His hand moved so he could stroke your cheek, and you leant into it. His hand felt so warm against you, you could float away. His eyes darted over your face, like he was memorising every detail over and over again. “Soon,” he promised.
You turned your head to kiss the palm of his hand. Such a simple act, so sweet, and it made Jongho’s heart clench before the uptick of its beating. Yes, he was so completely in love with you.
“I should tell them soon,” he said.
You looked at him under your lashes. “Whenever you want to,” you agreed.
“It’s not that I don’t,” he reminded. You hummed in understanding. Things were far more complicated than that. “Once they know, I just need to figure out how to keep you.”
You were quick with your answer. “You’ll always have me.”
Jongho said your name, quiet and revertant, like he couldn’t quite believe you were real. His hand moved to your neck and dragged you closer, until your lips could slot together. He always kissed like this - firm, with purpose, like he would crawl into you if he could. It made you breathless, lightheaded, lost in the moment.
When Jongho finally left, your lips were swollen and your heart ached even more to say goodbye.
-
Admittedly, Jongho wasn’t even trying to pretend anymore. He left your home three nights before, a heavy weight in his stomach that he wasn’t able to just stay. He never liked going, having to leave you behind so that no one noticed, but something about that day itself just caught him sideways.
You hadn’t really been able to see each other this week due to schedules, leading up today - the new music video. He’d watched you out of the corner of his eye as you moved around, bumping shoulders with your coworkers, nodding at your managers when they gave an update, laughing with his members while you assisted other make up artists before those on your rotation were ready to sit in your chair.
You’d finished Yunho before him, laughing at jokes that Jongho was pretty sure weren’t funny. Mingi was in the chair next to him, and the conversation flowed easily. You fit in there so effortlessly and he was once again struck by the thought that he was so lucky to have you.
“Jongho-sshi,” you called over your shoulder as you straightened your supplies, and then turned to flash him the brightest smile.
His mouth felt dry.
God.
Yeah. He was gone.
He watched you as you worked. You had to move around him constantly, applying and blending, adding powder to set. His eyes followed you, smile soft, like he couldn’t bear to look away.
You caught him, blinked in surprise. He had looked at you like this before, but never so out in the open. It felt like a spotlight blinking to life upon you.
“You’re staring,” you murmured, voice low, slipping into secrecy. He traced the flush from your cheeks to the tip of your nose with his eyes, wishing desperately to do so with his fingers.
“You’re cute,” he replied, quiet, honest.
He saw how the surprise in your gaze melted into warmth, affection. “Jongho,” you shake your head in amusement.
“What? Am I making it hard for you to concentrate?” He teased.
If you could have, you would have flicked his forehead. “You’re the worst client,” you joked.
“Lies, I’m your best,” he counted.
You hummed in amusement. You swapped one brush for another. “Close your eyes,” you instruct. “I need to do your shadow.”
He obliged. Even in darkness, you surrounded him. The touch of the brush on his eyelids was delicate. The end of your overshirt - an old button up that you wore over a tank top - brushed the top of his hands where they rested on the chair. Your perfume wrapped around him. Your free hand curved around his jaw so gently, holding him steady as you worked.
Jongho shuddered a breath he couldn’t hold any longer. Like this, he could pretend you were alone, lost in sensation. Your thumb stroked on the underside of his jaw once, barely noticeable to anyone but him, before you withdraw. “Okay, open.”
His eyes were dark, hooded, lost, only for you. You didn’t think anyone else would notice, but you did. You always did.
“Looks good,” you comment, throat dry, voice croaking.
Jongho makes a noise of agreement. His fingers twitch from the urge to pull you closer.
Later, in the shadow between the stage lights, Yeosang approached quietly and said, “You have failed at subtly my friend.”
Jongho huffed a laugh. “Kind of stopped caring that I needed to be,” he admitted.
“Does this count as a public announcement then?” Yeosang joked, sliding an arm over his shoulder.
He angled his head to look at the older member. “Honestly, it took you guys long enough.”
Jongho’s smile became a tad wider. “And now, you all know.”
“I mean, once it was pointed out, you do have that soft look about you.” Yeosang poked his maknae’s cheek.
“Yeah, I do,” Jongho agreed.
-
Jongho: Meet at the dorms after shoot
Jongho: we should talk
-
They gathered back in the dorms living room. Yeosang was already there, looking smug, while Jongho was splayed in the arm chair, a set look of determination on his face.
“What’s this about?” Seonghwa asked.
Of course, they already knew.
Jongho leant forward in the chair, elbows resting on his knees. “I’m dating ——-,” he said simply.
Mingi hissed his intake of breath. “Yes, I knew it.”
Jongho raised his phone screen, showing a timer. “You have three minutes to ask whatever questions you want. Then, my relationship is just a normal part of life, got it?”
He didn’t wait for a response and hit go.
“How long have you been dating?” Hongjoong asked first.
“10 months.”
San jumped in. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Jongho shrugged. “I wanted to keep it just for a us, just for a little while,” he admitted. “Plus, with our jobs…it was easier.”
“Is she nice to you?” Yunho asked.
Jongho’s lips twitched. “Yes hyung.”
Yeosang counted, “are you nice to her?”
“She hasn’t complained so far.”
“When can we meet her?” Seonghwa asked, “you know, officially, as your girlfriend.”
“Next team dinner,” was the quick answer.
“What shade is her lipstick?” Wooyoung wondered.
San raised his eyebrow. “That’s your question?”
“It was a good shade,” he defended, “—— and I always wear the same brand!”
“I’ll find out for you Woo,” Jongho promised.
“Was it love at first sight?”
“Of course not.”
“Not a romantic bone in that body,” Mingi complained under his breath. “How he got anyone to date him…”
Wooyoung vibrated with energy when he asked, “Who asked who out?”
“She asked me.”
“Good for her, girl power and all that shit.”
The timer went off. Jongho turned it off and returned his phone to his pocket. “And now we’re back to normal,” he emphasised. He stood up, pushed his hair away from his face and began to walk towards the door. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Hey, where are you going?” Mingi stammered, startled by the sudden dismissal.
Jongho grinned at them, teasing and amused. His eyes creased at the edges. “I’m going to see ——-. Don’t have to sneak around anymore, so don’t wait up for me.”
And then he was gone, the door clicking shut behind him.
Wooyoung sniffed mockingly. “Oh baby is all grown up.”
Yunho flung an arm around Woo’s shoulders and pouted. “They grow up too fast. Bring me back my baby Jongie.”
Hongjoong rolled his eyes but the smile across his face was warm. “Jongho seems happy,” he concluded.
“Smitten,” Yeosang added. “And on that note,” he grinned widely, “I’ll take those bank transfers now.”
——————————————————————————
a/n: if you have any fic requests (sfw/nsfw) feel free to ask! like and reblog if you enjoyed this one 💕
oh how i loved this 🥺 i was smiling the whole time!! the way you captured Jongho in love is so… like him (at least in my mind)? and the way he handled telling them, it was so funny but yet again I can easily imagine him being like this irl 😭😭 gosh, i need a love like this!! so soft and cute and well… loving 🥺 it’s for sure a favourite!! 🖤
thinking about jongho and his big, fat cock. you can't take it the first time you try to have sex, no matter how eager and wet you are. it's just too big. and it won't fit in your mouth comfortably either, so you just end up jerking him off and getting your brain turned to mush as his perfectly slim fingers churn your insides.
something so big — no pun intended — won't stop jongho though. he's determined to feel your warm, wet walls gripping his cock and something as simple as "it won't fit" isn't going to stop him. he's promptly ordering a set of dildos in increasing girths, and he has the time of his life fucking them into your mouth and pussy. it takes a few long, semi painful, weeks until you're finally brave enough to move on to the real thing.
and god help your sweet soul, jongho gives you only enough time to breathe in after he's settled balls deep before he's pummeling into you, stretching you more than any toy could ever and making it feel more than perfect as he ruins your cunt for anyone else. you're filled to your limit and beyond, creaming on his girth and he swears that the clenching and spasming of your walls is going to take his soul. it's so tight and hot and wet, he cums within minutes — and then he's hard all over again upon seeing that he's got you so stretched out, the cum isn't even seeping out.
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