The terrifying truth of why I haven’t been able to come back online in a good while.
Hi there folks, hope you’ve been well!
First I'd like to say, my most sincere apologies for not being too active on the internet for a long while...and not drawing as I used to. I imagine only young adults my age or plus follow this site, but, even so I guess make this warning.
Some delicate subjets will be talked of in there, discretion is advised.
I just...I've been feeling a down and unmotivated the past months...I think I haven’t managed well the break down with my ex, but it was even worse what I lived when I was with him.
I’m trying to overcome this traumatic experience, and get over it...But it’s been really hard!
Cos since I broke up with my ex I feel like an empty shell...Like someone who has been defeated in a battle...and since then I've been struggling to stand up..
To stand up and...find some joy sense in life again!
... to keep living...and trying to find joy again on art, and the other little things I used to love and enjoy...But I can’t. I haven’t drawn much, and I haven’t sleep well or eaten well since then.
I’ve even saved and tried to see and talk a teraphist about what happened (just a couple of times cos I don’t have much money) but that doesn’t make me feel better.
And I think it’s cos I’ve been dealing with this huge burden on my shoulders alone.
Today I had an epiphany, of what I might probably need to free my heart from this sorrow, anguish and depression. It's a bit unorthodox I know...but I think THIS IS the only thing that will help me to free my heart, and finally move on.
Also I’m in great part talking about this, so it doesn’t happen to someone else.
You folks, have been the driving force, the motivation that have helped me to continue finding joy in life and making the art I love when things my personal life have been difficult. I know you don't only see me as a source of entertaintment, but you appreciate me and not only my art, and for that I'm deeply grateful!
Alors s'il vous plait aidez moi! Help me by reading this and caring, I need your comfort and support more than ever!
I'll try to honor this appreciation making more art and, hopefully start leaving this awful experience behind
,,,He abused of me emotionally and sexually...
And after that he told me that if I’d ever tell someone about this, nobody would believe me cos we were boyfriend and girlfriend. And that it was ok.
It’s the first time I’m saying this, cos it’s something really hard to aknowledge and accept, let alone writting it on a journal. But I’ll do it if this finally frees my heart from this pain, from the nightmares I have every night.
“But how, if you never had sex cos you were an online couple” you might wonder?
But people can abuse of you sexually and emotionally, no matter if you are dating face to face or on a distance relationship on the internet.
From his point of view the sexual aspect always was a very important on a romantic relationship, he said. But he also was very possesive, controlling and jealous due his own personal insecurities and conflicts. Which is never a good combination.
At first I didn’t realized how controlling he was, cos he started making little suggestion that seemed nice and harmless like “how about dressing up more like this girl on instagram, I think it’s hot” or “hey darling could you put up some makeup and take sexy photos of you for me, you know I like metal purple lipstic and this lingerie”
By default I don’t like to wear makeup cos my skin it’s very sensitive, and I never liked metal purple as lipstic color. Plus! I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with taking photos of myself in lingerie.
But I did it for him a few ocassions, to make him happy. I excused him and I thought this was a normal thing that happens on relationships cos he said he only “wanted to put salt and pepper to your relationship”
But it was a lie, folks. A really big lie!
Now in retrospective, I can understand he just did all this cos he didn’t actually loved me. He only wanted someone he could mold to the idea he had of how he wanted a girl to be.
So, he gradually became more and more demanding. I didn’t had time to see it, and I suddenly I found myself doing stuff I hated on a daily basics, just because he liked it or had a fetish with it, and cos if I didn’t do it, he would get mad at me and say “I didn’t loved him enough to please him”. Because if I didn’t do it, he said he was going to abbandon me and look up for a girl on his town near to him.
There were a lot of awful things he did, but make the story short I’ll tell just a few:
I spent months cutting my hair on different ways until he was pleased with it, and every month spending my money to maintain this haircuit, which only he liked, and I didn’t liked!
I changed my usual way to dress into what he loved. He “gifted me” a couple of pretty clothes, but he didn’t want me to wear anything that made me pretty outside him. He only wanted me to wear the pretty clothes to take photos of me to gift him.
And he made sure of it, cos every day I went to work he wanted to see a photo of myself with the excuse that “he missed my face” at first. But later, asking for it like if I was obligated to do it, and saying “I didn’t love him if I forgot his photo”
I stopped to eat what I liked and what I enjoyed, like coffee, because he said that coffee was bad for the health.
I stopped going to excercise outside cos he was jealous someone would try to courship me. And I couldn’t buy new clothes or accessories without him “opining about it and giving me his suggestions cos he knew more than me about fashion”. Cos if I didn’t do it he would feel offended and wont talk me for weeks.
One day I remember I bought up a new scarf cos it was winter and felt cold. And he got super mad asking me if “another man have bought it for me”.
Things got worse when he asked me to talk with him 2 hours minimum every day. And he wanted me to leave my hobbies and passions. Soon I started to leave aside my artwork. I had to stop talking with the few friends I had, cos if I commented on their art on their social networks or if I make them a giftart, he would get mad and wouldn’t talk me in weeks.
I got insolated from my friends, and also from family, cos he hated when my family went to visit or I went to visit my mom. Cos he felt I loved him less.
One day he got the idea on his mind that he wanted me to wear piercings, and went mad cos I told him that it was something I wouldn’t never do. He mistreated me and and insulted me for months over this.
And Christmas and new year passed from being a joyful and fun celebrations, to be the worse of celebrations, cos he always wanted me to say alone in my home to watch films with him, instead of passing christmas a while with my family and a while with him, as it would have been more reasonably. And he blackmailed me saying that “he felt not loved” cos I wanted to spend one celebration with him and one with my family.
And now the sexual part...He started with the “suggestive pics” and later asked more and more explicit sexual pics, some of which were nude, and in poses I felt very uncomfortable about making, but I did it cos at that point I was too invested on the relationship that I was afraid of him not loving me anymore and abandoning me.
But it wasn’t the worse...the worse was to come.
He wanted more. More than nude pics or pics of me in lingerie. He wanted a video of me...masturbating. But not on the external way like one would think. He wanted a video of me “fingering” as people would say in english.
At the first time he asked me this of course I said no. And I explained that it was because by my moral beliefts, I’d like to keep my virginity until the day he and I went and married, because like that we would enjoy it a lot more.
He went mat for this, saying that “he wasn’t religious and he didn’t want to marryr” So I told him “well, then we should wait to do it until we could be able to meet face to face at least” I tried to explain him that for me, this kind of act not being made face to face seemed like something ephemeral and rather emphy, and I wouldn’t enjoy it at all.
But he insisted and insisted on the idea for months. And everytime I said “no I’m not comfortable with idea” he would try to put me examples of “other women who were more open minded and could enjoy their bodies better” and said I didn’t wanted to do this cos I feared my body (which was not true by the way, cos I used to enjoy my body very much...at least before this experience, that is.)
And then that one day, it was a Sunday. He called me and asked if I had a free time to make a skype on live call cos he wanted “to draw with me and chill”. But it was a lie. And I didn’t know...that was going to be the day that would ruin my life and break my heart forever...
At that day he talked me about this idea for the 500 times I think. Arguing about why “It was going to be a cool thing” but I didn’t believe any of that. Then he got mad and said that he felt I didn’t loved him, and he couldn’t wait any longer to have this “more intimate sexual experience”. He said he couldn’t wait until the day we meet face to face, and that we should make a live where I would finger myself in front of him and if I didn’t do it, he was going to abandon me, and go find a girlfriend on his town. And plus, telling bad rummors to my friends about me so they wouldn’t want to talk me anymore.
So...I had to do it...I put my finger inside my vagina like he said, and tried to wiggle it like he said...
Excuse me if I don’t describe it more in detail, but remembering that day still hurts my heart and is difficult...Even today.
I can say though...that nothing “cool” or “enjoyable” happened. The entire process was extremely painful, and filled with a lot of guilt, anguish and fear.
And when I finished, he only said “hey thanks it was ok but, next time could you react more like you were enjoying it? like girls on porn vids”
Then he realized it was getting late for him to feel his pets and told me “see you tomorrow to hang out at the same hour babe. But don’t be late cos I got stuff to do!”
I just told him good night and closed skype...
.. and I started crying uncontrolably.
I spend up all my afternoon and night crying, until I fell asleep. Cos I realized a lot of things at once.
I realized he had raped me, cos I didn’t want to do it, I wasn’t agree with that idea at all! I was blackmailed on the most cruel way.
I realized I have given him up my virginity, my soul and body, the most important part a woman can give a man, and he didn’t appreciate it or even aknowledged the value of it!
I realized... I’ve been ruined my “first time”, my first sexual experience, and I could never have another “first time”.
Also, that to the eyes of my family and the community in my town, I was now worthless.
And since that day I think I stopped loving him, or caring about if he couldn’t abandon me or not. Cos I felt highly betrayed and couldn’t forgive him for what he did.
So I told him I wanted to cut out the relationship, because of that but also due the other mean things, because we were in a toxic relationship and he was very possesive and conflicting person. But he didn’t take it well of course, and he menaced me that he was going to post the photos he had of me in lingerie online if I wanted to break up with him. Send those photos to my friends and family (mutual friends on social networks) and to the people I was asking for illustration work, and tell them I was a wore and ruin up my future career as an illustrator.
So I stayed for a while more, but started to drown depression due all the suffering he was causing me, feeling always in fear that I couldn't scape of that situation. And the scariest part it’s I couldn’t tell any of this to my mom, cos she suffers of blood pressure issues and he needs a life without stress or worries.
Thanks goodness, my friend faik, was there to help me.
He told me. "M’ija, this dude is just all tongue, is a coward. He's not going to do any of what he's menacing to do"
So, at the end Faik, and later a couple of other friends, helped me as a moral support to finally get the courage to break up with him. And block him from all the sites we used to contact.
But he insisted he wanted me to come back with him with and he came back to stalk me and message me with multiple accounts, it seemed I couldn't stop it. So I left deviantArt and also twitter and all of sites I used to use and post my art on for a pretty good time.
So that's why, I also had to quit places that saw me born as an artist. It was one of the most difficult and sad things I had do in my life...And I insolated myself from you and other peeps I loved dearly and cared about. Because he menaced with telling gossip about me again, so nobody would want to hang out with me anymore.
And bully them if they didn't believe him. So, I think at the end it was the wisest thing to do. And faikel was agree there wasn’t much of a choice at the moment.
Well...all sites, except here. Because here is the only place he doesn’t know cos he doesn’t like it.
I have very few friends....And Friends are difficult to find as you grow up. So, I think I wouldn't have forgiven myself if he would have hurt you or the others friends I care about. Or if I would have lost you my friends, by his fault.
I don't know what will happen in the future, or if things will get better..
I’m not sure if one day, I’ll have the courage to tell my mom that my exboyfriend raped me...I fear that with her health she will not be able to take it and dies from cerebral haemorrhage. Doc said this could happen if he receives shocking news.
...I'm not sure if I'll ever come back to the other sites I use...
Or if in this account I will get to have a the big community of fans like in others sites I had, like d)A for example...
Maybe things will never be the same...
I’d like to think...maybe things will get better with time...And I’ll be able to leave all this traumatic experience behind.
True is my mental and emotional health is fragile now, and my mom's emotional and physical health too (cos she suffers from blood pressure and she stress a lot when I've told her people are bugging me online) so for now, this is the wisest choice.
And I appreciate and cherish in my heart a lot that you've come to follow me here and you’re still here, to keep making me company in this art journey!
From the deeps of my heart, I love you folks!
