attempts at poetry @attemptsatpoetry - Tumblr Blog

I met you two weeks ago. It amazes me that we can still be friends. Sitting there, talking, laughing. You tell me about how you had tried to reconcile with X. Thinking about it after, I am glad I didn’t wait for you. I am glad I moved on. Because you would still choose X over me. And I would have been broken. I still love you. A part of me always will. I am just somehow attracted to you, like butterflies to fire. You just have this uncanny ability to make me laugh. But you will never be able to give me the type of love I want from you. Away from you, I am safer.

I am writing to remember and to hold close this feeling. This feeling of excitement, of hope, of anxiety, and exhilaration. You make me feel things I haven’t felt in a while. :) it feels like I am floating, and that the sun is out again, everything is beautiful.

I forgot about the existence of this page. And buried along with my memories, the feelings i had for him. It feels strange reading my old posts. Like somebody you used to know - familiar yet distanced. I felt scared to read them, worried that it will stir some emotions that had quietly gone away. But as I read, I realised I have really gotten over you, P. Times may come when I think of you. But no longer am I sad. I only feel regret that I had let it go on for so long. And I had let you treat me this way. I deserve so much more, P. I am glad I finally see.

i am acutely aware that perhaps there will be noone quite like you in this world. and perhaps even noone that can even come close. the way you understand me and know me. and the way you can read my mind and anticipate my next move before i even know what i am going to do next.

we will be so good together P, if only.

---

T has been sharing her dating woes with me which made me start to think again how rare it is to find that connection. and to really click with someone on every level - even rarer.

---

P, how do i let you go? how do i walk away?

seeing that you brought her there makes me sad.

it was our place.

i remember the thrill and exhilaration we felt when we first found it.

you said you have been looking for a gem like this for a long while and was so happy that i found it.

it was a chilly night but our tummies were warm and happy. you took in the surroundings with amazement in your eyes. you exclaim that it is exactly how you envisioned it to be... we were full of anticipation for the food which didnt disappoint. the kitchen was serving tables of hungry customers non-stop, plying the tables with food that smelled so heavenly.

located in a dark dingy alley, with the blazing stove just haphazardly placed along the roads.

i miss that december night and i miss you.

second day was equally hard. while we sat next to each other, it felt like we were miles apart.

---

third day

i really had fun with him. we were able to spend some alone time together. it felt like old times. good times. he told me to cut my hair. said it’s too long. i think he just wants me to look less attractive to others. haha. he insisted that i look nice with short hair.

he was wearing the shirt i gave him. although i would later find out it was unintentional. haha but he said that he was being objective really. and that the shirts i gave him were nice :)

he said we could go look for cars together when i return home.

looking forward to the day we can be together again

---

fourth day

we had so much fun again. :)

we had our favourite sandwich and then just sat around chilling like how we used to.

---

today was goodbye again. but not for too long this time. missed your hugs and miss your lingering touch on my skin and your caress on my hair. miss you so much already, p.

seeing you made me realised that i missed you

and that you still send my heart beating faster

and i still get nervous around you

even though it’s been three years

--

it was sweet of you to make the effort

especially since it was unexpected

and then your confession on what you did so you could see me

made my heart race

and a smile curled on my lips involuntarily

---

when you ran your hands across my face gently.

when you touch my leg gently before you left

when you looked at me with such eyes.

----

but you know it was so difficult too

i felt my brain working in overdrive

because i just didnt know what to say or how to act

you were so natural

but i am a fluke. i dont know how you could be so normal

when i am dying inside.

----

1 day down and a few more to go.

thesecretletter

Sometimes I still cry at night when I think about you. We are friends now and I made peace with what happened between us, but I don’t think my heart ever truly healed. I still have that scar that won’t ever go away. So, when I have that dream about you that I always have, and wake up at three in the morning dying to talk to you, I still cry. I cried last night when I woke up after having that dream again, and I realized that I couldn’t talk to you because you aren’t mine and you never truly were in the first place.

Your secrets are safe here (via thelovewhisperer)

thelovewhisperer

More quotes about moving on and letting go on Tumblr

smittereens

wanted to never ever see you again

you asshole. for always making me cry

and making me sad.

i suspect i must be a sadist or a masochist for wanting to stay with you despite all this shit.

you say i am making things tough for you but i don’t even feel like you are trying at all.

which makes me question again why the hell i try so hard for you, for us. when you obviously just take the easy route out.

when it is difficult, you won’t choose me. not at all.

i may have accepted your answer but i dont believe you at all in my heart.

maybe i need to learn to guard my heart more.

and not let you in, anymore. again.

this is still the safest place for me to type my thoughts out.

i am feeling anxious knowing that we will meet soon.

i always feel this way before our meetings.

especially since this time it seems even more clandestine than usual.

i am also beginning to wonder if this is all part of a huge mistake.

i also feel guilty because i know people who care for me would be really upset if they knew the truth which is why i would never tell them.

sometimes i wonder if i am a fool for putting up with this. and if one day, i would realise that i have already sacrificed so much but yet will not get anything in return. how much more can i give before feeling begrudged?

i dont know where and when to draw the line. maybe after this meeting?

Feeling down today. Not sure if it's because he's away or because it's a cumulative thing. And maybe also I know that they are spending time together which makes me jealous and worried. And bitter. My heart just sank to the pits of my stomach when I realised. This is stupid because they are spending time together every fucking day. What makes today different? Maybe it was his indifference. Some days I feel so positive about us and some days I just feel so downtrodden. Like nothing I do will ever be enough. I will always be as such. It makes me want to cry. This sense of helplessness. When we were young, we were told that if you work hard for things, you get them. All lies. No one can work hard for love and be loved. It doesn't happen like that. I want so much to find my Mr Right. Someone who loves me to the moon and back. Someone who will be willing to give me his time and his attention. Someone who only loves me.

i asked for a sign. i don’t know if this is it? i was clearing my old emails and came across our conversations. and it was so cute. and reading them made me so happy. :) and i realised with a start that those emails were only from 8 months ago. when did things change? we used to talk the whole day and no information was too trivial that we couldnt share it with each other. when did it become the way it is now? it makes me really sad. i have to try harder tomorrow to engage him. and if things dont improve, maybe i have to accept that things are different and i really have to move on. :( i am so reluctant. perhaps it’s the despairing fact that there is nothing that we can change or do about our situation that somehow clouds our current interactions. maybe it’s my fault for opening the can of worms and that somehow or other we cannot be the same again. or maybe i am just overthinking it and the truth is that he’s occupied with work. i often tell myself it is ok, he is busy with work. dont bother him but a nagging part of me will think that if he cares, he would put in the effort...but thank you for the sign. :) i was so happy once and i dont want to lose that without a fight.

sometimes i tell myself that this is fine, i can get used to this. and that i dont need him in my life. it feels almost liberating, that i can perhaps not feel anything, just a bit of numbness. then it all comes back in a rush. that this is perhaps just nothing more than self denial. and that i am deathly afraid of losing him. more than i care to admit. then i get panicky and cave in.

he told me that he may visit soon. my heart soars and then sinks again. because i already know what it entails. he implies that we can spend some time together. it takes all my self-restraint not to be bitter and sour. i try to remind myself that when i visit, he puts in effort and likewise i should too. and that this visit was for me. and knowing that should be enough.

but it’s so tough. it’s so depressing. i really dont know what to do. i make up my mind sometimes and am so resolute. but then the very next morning, i am back to square one.

please give me a sign. i beg.

feeling abandoned

i know i shouldn’t feel this way but tears sprung to my eyes when he said he would be away next week. i felt upset that i only knew his plans so last minute like i didn’t matter. i know it’s probably not his intentions but it felt that way. that whatever it is, i am just too far away. i tried to remind him of happier times we had. of last year. but it didn’t evoke any response from him. he said he will try to talk if he can. after putting in so much effort to try to communicate with him, all i get is a “if” and “maybe”. i don’t know. i just feel underappreciated. and sad. and lonely. and to add salt to wounds, this is just a bad weekend to be alone. i didnt want to go for the trip as i feared it would make him upset but i think i shouldnt fear anything? because he doesn’t think of me when he does things too. why am i so afraid of hurting his feelings or making him upset? i mean i know why. because i love him. but my love is very one-sided. or at least not equal. i know i always wanted to be the one who loves more. but how silly i am. how foolish.

#theonewholovesmore

thelovewhisperer

It’s not like I intended on this.. falling for you again. It’s not like I want it. All you do is break me, but when I see you, it’s like I forget all that. I forget about the heart you’ve shattered so many times and forget all of the pain I went through.. just for the chance of you holding me again. I miss you. I don’t know exactly why I do, but I miss you.

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thelovewhisperer

We don’t talk at all now. Not having you around anymore definitely makes my life easier, but not better. I love you. It’s just that we complicate each other’s lives too much. We can’t even be friends because we have gone too deep and fucked up way too much. And to be honest, I don’t know how to be happy for you. I mean I want you to be happy, it’s just that I still want to be the reason.

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