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I organize everything. I clean until there’s nothing left to clean. I have file folders color coded for every aspect of my life, checklists in triplicate, have calculated down to the minute the exact time I need to be doing each routine morning chore, and my calendar even tells me when to eat. I simply don’t trust myself to remember. I obsess over this organization because I’m terrified that something really important will fall through the cracks of my attention and slip my memory. I have to not just set an alarm to wake up, but one to remind me to go to work, because one distraction could be the difference between me going to work or losing my job. I can’t remember if I took medication so I have to keep daily pill counters on me.

Imagine living in constant fear that your life could at any moment, fall apart because you forgot to pay rent, take meds, call your parents within 4 months, respond to business emails, or keep in touch with friends, but by golly that shiny thing that caught your attention will be done damned well.

#adhd #actually adhd

thatadhdfeel

If there's anyone who has help with cleaning my method is to put things where you think you'd look for them or expect them to be and not necessarily where it should logically go

attentiondifferent-blog

I HATE EXPLAINING THIS TO PEOPLE gahhhh I barely make sense to myself, I can’t explain to you why I put my car keys in the pantry. (I actually have logic behind this so I can’t leave the house forgetting to bring food for my afternoon meds) or why my purse has a special place under my bed. (I have no clue why I think my purse goes under my bed though)

thatadhdfeel

that adhd feel when you rant to your doctor about memory problems caused by adhd and five minutes later when you get out you forget to pay

thatadhdfeel

that adhd feel when you spend months wondering if you have adhd & doing research to see if it really fits and finally deciding it does, so talking to your mom about it the next time she calls, and being told “oh yeah, you were diagnosed with that like 15 years ago.”

thatadhdfeel

tadhdfw you don’t have the attention span for movies esp. if they don’t immediately catch your interest, but you’re expected to sit through the whole thing, pay attention, and not look at your phone

thatadhdfeel

that adhdfw you know you picked up and put down the bottle, but you’re not sure if you actually took the meds or not…

adhd-is

For me…

ADHD is sitting in the dining hall with my friends and being able to tune into every other conversation besides the one at my own table.

ADHD is having a thought, opening my phone to follow through with it, and completely blanking on why my phone is now unlocked.

ADHD is procrastinating a 10+ page paper because something tells me I just can’t work on it right now, or I have way more time and there’s no reason to do it.

ADHD is making too many ridiculous connections in my head, then losing the conversation because I just went on such a different train of thought.

ADHD is being able to invest myself in 4 hours of tv/movies but not being able to sit down and do 5 minutes of necessary paperwork.

What if I had been a miscarriage, or I didn’t live past birth or something like that. Would my parents have tried again? Maybe there’s a universe where I never existed but another child was born in place of me. I suppose this also sort of brings up the debate of nurture vs. nature combined with the idea of a soul, not that I believe in a “soul” in the spiritual sense per say, just the word I’m using because I know of no other to describe the idea. Is my consciousness and who I am a result of my environment? Or could have, in a sense, another soul had been born in my place, someone more durable and substantial than me, or even more vapid and fragile than I am. I suppose it comes down to how much of me is me or a result of my environment or genetics? What even is “me”? It’s like trying to pin down the personality of a brain. It’s not a thing, it’s more of a concept, and for some reason, that makes me really uncomfortable. Nothing is original, it’s all just some offshoot combination of other people, places, things and experiences based on other people, places, and things.

#journal #nature vs nurture #thoughts

I often contemplate what would happen if I never existed. It’s somewhat awe inspiring that I am here. I’m not sure why, but I look deep into myself and fully realize that I am here, I exist, I am the product of a series of events, actions, any and all of which could have not happened. I suppose according to quantum theory and the idea of multiple universes, they all did and didn’t happen. But my consciousness is in this particular universe. Not saying that it doesn’t exist in others, but I am awake and living and breathing and feeling this universe. Why? How? How did I get here?

#thoughts #journal

I feel disconnected from the world. I don’t feel like I’m actually experiencing things. It’s like “the lights are on but no one’s home”. When I interact, it’s like my mouth and body are just doing it for me, I don’t have any conscious thought put into what I’m doing, it feels like I’m not really here in the present. When people speak, I don’t hear what they say. When I talk to people, I’m not really sure what is going to come out of my mouth until it’s already out.

#depression #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

“I once read a book called “Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar…” and it discussed essentialism and how Aristotle drew the line between “essential” and “accidental” traits. Essential traits being those that define one in such a way that you would not be you without said traits; accidental traits being those that can change and one is still the same. It seems simple, but as everything goes in philosophy, the lines get blurry. An example used was traits of an elephant are wrinkly, gray, and big. What if the elephant were big and gray but not wrinkly? It would just be considered a smooth elephant, as bizarre as it would look. The same goes if you remove one trait at a time, but if that elephant were small, smooth and white, it would be considered an aspirin tablet.

But also, it fits this bizarre feeling of a lack of self-identity. Nothing describes me. Everything seems to be an accidental trait, but if I remove enough self-describing qualities, I am no longer me. I also have a tendency to keep a close eye on where personality traits of mine come from. It’s part of my dad’s “social programming” thing where he would point out things I did or said and describe them as outside influence traits. Things that were not my own. So now, I can’t help it, but I keep track of the origination of most of my mannerisms, thought processes, and in keeping track of all these things, I no longer see me as me but as a collection of other characteristics from other people”

All the things I think I care about, I really don’t. I care about everything about the same level, and not enough to actually care about something, but enough to keep doing things. I’m not very emotional about things but I’m very emotional about nothing at all. It’s a strange combination. So I catch myself putting these emotions to things in my life where in reality, they aren’t actually all that connected.

#depression #neurodivergent

“I write better than I speak because I often forget what I’m saying as I’m saying it, and I do the same writing, but at least writing is right in front of me. It is still less efficient in communicating my thoughts and/or feelings while I still have them in my head, I can better re-remember what I was saying or doing by the context of my text. I do often go off enough that I can no longer remember my original point and just lay out a bunch of bullshit on paper until I come back to the original point”

#adhd #neurodivergent

bubonickitten

sometimes i forget that morbid, playfully self-deprecating jokes about my mental health are not always appropriate…?? especially around neurotypical people who don’t know how to react. like there’s this awkward pause, this unspoken ‘do i laugh, or…??’, this sort of ‘…dude are u ok’ look they give. and it’s just like, it’s ok, i cope with existential dread through deadpan and/or nonsensical shitpost-esque humor. [thisisfine.jpg]

“I’ve been diagnosed ADHD and OCD. PTSD has also been mentioned as a possibility. My self-identity is slowly becoming a series of capital letters that sum up my damages, my quirks, my way of thinking, everything that made up the parts of me I couldn’t understand, punished myself for, and hated”

#adhd #ocd #journal

akllljoy

why can’t i be mentally chill instead of mentally ill

#adhd #stonti #stephen tonti #eric tivers #adhd rewired #adhd medication

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