all the things i’ll never know

🌱 SA recovery sideblog / diary / random thoughts often tmi, never graphic art is always ok to share <3

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i hate constantly being reminded that the world doesn’t care about sexual abuse victims. that nothing can be done for me simply because nobody cares and nobody will ever care

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i got my closure but i don’t think i’ll ever get peace

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3 years of rebuilding my courage, happiness, sense of safety, just for this fucking monster of a person to transfer to my university and make me scared of my surroundings again.

i used to explore. i used to walk around feeling so secure and safe and happy and like i owned the whole damn campus. then i was met with the worst surprise.

it was like any deviation meant id run into him. i couldnt take different paths. i couldnt find different study spots. i couldn’t walk to this building for coffee or this building for a snack because he’d be there. so i stopped that. didnt go anywhere besides one building at a time and when i didnt have class id go home.

now that doesnt even help. straight to class, straight to car, he’s there. in my way. right outside. i feel like im back where i used to be. i feel the same fucking fear. i feel helpless again. no one can help me. i feel like im going to be sad and scared forever

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i feel physically sick. i can’t stop crying

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january was such a wtf month.

learning that i’m the object of my abuser’s affections is highly uncomfortable. that the facts of our relationship and the ways he hurt me basically don’t exist in our eyes. throughout so much of what happened, i was treated like nothing, like i was worthless. and three years later i’ve been rewritten into the perfect girl, the one that got away (yes. i did get away. i’m praying to god i got away)

what makes it hard is bpd. wanting attention, even bad attention. wanting to be wanted, yearned after, a phantom in his mind that makes him regret hurting me. but even underneath those thoughts i can feel the delusion, how they don’t make sense and aren’t helpful. i can’t exactly make them go away (i’ve had them for a while, much more than a month) i at least have the clarity to know those thoughts are symptoms. not truly me and not truly what i want.

because in reality i dont want my abuser to want me. to think back on me fondly. to turn me into another chapter in his book of “ohh i’m such a bad guy who’s done bad things but i can be better”. its all lies. i can see it even from the outside. i worry about how bpd affects my touch with reality, this guy is completely disconnected. i dont want to be used anymore

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just heard the most dehumanizing shit said about me in my own home. why am i hearing someone say “she might get raped” about me. at home

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well!! i did it!! i confronted my abuser. he’s as sad and pathetic as i thought. as unhappy as i hoped. and he is afraid of me. i said what i’ve been dreaming of saying for three years. i feel like i want to cry but i’m sitting in a physics lab haha

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atp i think i might just stay single by choice forever

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i dont know what to do

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doing ok! made it through both traumaversaries unscathed. i’m in regular therapy again and that helps. even though i saw him that day i haven’t seen him since. i still hope he’s scared of me, i hope thats the effect id have on him. mostly my mind has been elsewhere since this is my last year of college.

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3 years

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i guess my fucking assaulter transferred to my university. its the first fucking day of course i had to see him. of course if had to fucking happen. i had to look up at just the right tike to see him walk by and of course he was looking my direction and saw me. and now i want to cry because i felt safe here. i dont feel safe. i feel scared all over again just knowing he’s here. just knowing he’s anywhere within distance of ne. i want to throw up. i hate myself i hate all kf this j hate him so so so so much

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at least i can say his face isn’t right in my dreams anymore

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still alive. its been a while. i feel like i just make things worse and worse for myself and pretend i’m getting better. the more time passes just makes me feel more invalid when things feel hard. nobody wants to hear how i feel. nobody wants to acknowledge my pain. they dont have to but it hurts to keep it locked in. i dont feel safe. i pretend i do but im wrong. i feel so stupid for feeling sad or getting triggered i feel like an idiot i should just pretend it never happened and grow the fuck up and move on but i feel like i would rather let it kill me just so theres evidence of how destroyed i feel

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i hope every day brings me closer to sharing my story. to exposing him. it wont change my life, but i still dream about it. i hate him.

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fun morning today. redownloaded google photos only to find all the pics from my relationship with my assaulter, and deleted them all

still have the conversations about the assaults saved. in my mind i still think of them as “evidence”…

and i have this horrible mix of being sick to my stomach and also feeling like im overreacting and faking. yeah. for the past 2 1/2 years worth of trauma therapy, crying, nightmares, and panic attacks. sure.

just because after the assaults i was freaking out and i had to say im sorry because he wouldnt. he told me he loved me to get me to calm down. on paper i look crazy. in real life i was scared shitless.

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ffffuck. so. went to a wedding and apparently i was a huge hit. a hs friend/acquaintance asked my friend if i was single (very respectfully). my friend like. knows my past and i told her the concept of dating really scares me, and makes me very nervous. i actually even told ANOTHER friend that i was nervous to go on the date then turn him down, or to make it a not-date.

day of i was freaking out and didn’t want to go and didnt want to be rude and cancel. the guy is seriously a sweetie pie but im so scared. i cry just thinking about romance or dating…. and we were out for literally 5 hours. had a great time chatting. made a fool of myself i bet. and still turned him down.

now i still feel bad. i should’ve left sooner. shouldnt have been so playful even though that’s my personality. my mom said i led him on. didnt put out. my friend said i should never feel pressured for ANYTHING.

but im still so worried. i hate the idea of romance but i want a loving relationship so badly. while being fucking terrified of it. thinking about it for too long makes me cry, it’s terrible. but somehow whats worse is feeling like i seem like a bitch, or stuck up, or fake or mean. when in reality i feel like if someone likes me they expect things of me. things they’ll use me for. and if i can’t offer those things i feel like they’ll hurt me. i feel it so strongly even now.

i dont want fear to rule my life but im still scared. two years should be enough, right? i feel like my whole life wont be enough. i’ll be the mean stuck up bitch my whole life.