Salty Sea Hag

Aubrey Plaza; Actress, Wife. Mom. Witch, Part Wolf, forever April Ludgate    😈👽💀@evilhag {RP not the real Aubrey}

[aubreycplaza]

millyxclarke​:

Today was such a beautiful day in LA. I took my dog, Ted for a walk along Venice Beach today. He is such a friendly little guy. He had to stop and say hello to everyone that stopped by. Ted took a liking to an adorable poodle puppy. He wasn’t happy with me when we had to continue to walk on by. Thank god my baby is fixed. Mama doesn’t need any grandpuppies. Have any other pet owners had to intervene in their pet’s err love lives? @prestigestarters​

I have luckily never had to intervene. I just don’t like people a whole lot so I walk my dogs when I know people aren’t going to be around and we don’t get out much anymore. It’s much harder when the husband is working, I have three dogs and the twins so it’s a chore anymore. I envy your freedom though. Hopefully Ted has forgiven you for putting your mom foot down. 

[aubreycplaza]

larsonbriex​:

Okay so I just turned 31, yesterday, and I’m like wow this actually happened, like you never really think becoming a adult as a child, like I still wear candy necklaces just because. But you know it’s really weird being 31 now, and I think I was just so comfortable still being 30 that becoming 31 has been hard. I should just shake it off, right? Like I’m overthinking this aren’t I? Anyway I’m Brie, I am 31, I have an unhealthy obsession with Animal Crossing, Mushrooms, my own garden, 90’s music aka my childhood, and nature. Sorry I’m awkward.

@prestigestarters​

Thirty One isn’t a big deal, I promise. I turned thirty six this year and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions but it’s been fine. I’m adjusting to being on the other side of thirty, I guess. I still remember baby Brie coming on set of that one movie we did together though so it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that we’re all fucking old now. I’ve been creepily keeping tabs on you, by the way. 

[aubreycplaza]

jxpadalecki​:

so. haircuts. i’m going to tell you a story about a guy who went into a barber shop and came out a new man. recently my hair has gotten unruly, to the point where i couldn’t even brush my fingers through it. no, it wasn’t tangled or anything along those lines. it was just long, longer then i normally keep it and i realized i was starting to look like sasquatch. so i went and got myself a trim. now i feel like i can take on the world. has anyone else ever felt that way after getting a haircut? anyway, i’m Jared and that was my ramble of the day. how’s it going, guys?

I always feel like a new person when I get my hair done. It’s some kind of magically thing we can all control and it’s wonderful. I’m glad you can run your fingers through your hair again. It’s always a total travesty when we can’t. I think it would’ve been fun to see how long and unruly your hair got but it’s fine, I’ll use my own imagination. I’m doing great, just resting up for spooky month right now.

[aubreycplaza]

ozkerrisaac​:

so my wife’s girlfriend came over last night, it was her first time meeting me, and what does she do? challenge me to a battle in the kitchen, to see who could make the better tamales. mind you, i’m guatemalan, so tamales are kind of my thing. of course she went the corn-husk route, the mexican version of the tamale, while i used banana leaves for mine. and let me tell you, i don’t know how the fuck she did it, but those things were amazing. now, it’s my opinion that they were too different to compare, but… the vote was kind of unanimous. so that leaves me wondering if i’m actually just a terrible cook and no one ever told me? i dunno. i’ve been shamed, and i told my wife that if she decides to totally leave me for this woman, i’d get it. i’d kick my ass to the curb to be able to eat those things every day, too. aaaaaanyway, to take my mind off the threat of impending homelessness when i get replaced by a better chef, tell me, what’s the worst concoction you’ve ever come up with in the kitchen? 

I would be on your side with the whole two different to compare so I could still win somehow. Tough break though. I never really though of you as a good cook anyway, just a pretty face. Maybe one day you’ll be as good as her girlfriend. If you ever do end up homeless we’ve got a guest room you can stay at anytime. I’ll even teach you some of my favorite recipes. I haven’t really had a bad concoction but the first time I attempted to make one of my grandma’s dishes it went horribly. I’ve since learned from my mistakes and am happily cooking whenever I feel like it.

[aubreycplaza]

chrishbu​:

Will you please teach me some spells this year? I’ve asked you for the last three years we’ve been together and you always tell me I’m not ready but, babe, I’m so ready. I can handle it. I won’t let the dark side take me. I’ll only dabble in the dark arts every now and again. Seriously, though, I can’t believe our girls are almost a year old. Who let them grow up? I sure as hell didn’t. We have to go all out this Halloween. @aubreycplaza​

I guess now’s as good a time as any to finally teach you. Chalk it up to asking at the right time because any other time you still wouldn’t be ready. If I catch you not paying attention in your lessons you’re done though. No ifs ands or buts about it. I can’t believe they’re about to be one either. It’s going by too fast and I hate it. Their birthday party has to be on point. I’m not going to be one of those lame moms that rents a bounce house and calls it a day. I’m thinking full on haunted house.

[aubreycplaza]

cpratthqs‌:

Who do we trust enough to look after the twins and Jack while we have a date night? I’m thinking probably Amy. She’s the most trustworthy person the two of us know. I love our kids and being home with them has been so amazing but I want a night out with my wife where I challenge her to a drinking contest and win. Like, not to brag, babe, but I can do ten shots of Fireball in five minutes so beat that. @aubreycplaza​

I think Amy or Rashida are the only options. I don’t really trust any of our other friends and with good reason. They’re just as crazy as us. I love them too, but it’s time we go out and have some fun. We used to get super drunk all the time. I don’t want to beat that, Fireball is the worst and will eventually kill you. I’ll stick to tequila and still out drink you.

[pippins-took]

❝ Satan’s Niece ❞

[aubreycplaza]

evilhag: Not to toot my own horn, but I crushed it tonight. #filmindependentspiritawards #besthostever

[wandering-songstress]

Aubrey Plaza at the 2019 Film Independent Spirit Awards

[aubreycplaza]

millionrcasons‌:

The Oscars have me so nervous! I’m too anxious to preform with Bradley and all the awards. Good luck to everyone who’s nominated!

Good luck to you! I’m sure you and Bradley will do wonderful tomorrow. You’re both so talented. I can’t wait to fangirl from my couch.

[aubreycplaza]

elizabctholscn‌:

Maybe I am the only one, but I had happy to be back in L.A. I have lived here my whole life and I missed it so much. I think I need to get out a little more.

I’m also happy to be back in LA. As much as I enjoy the cold, LA is home. Also doesn’t hurt that I’m currently hosting an award show at the moment. Ya girl has skills.

[aubreycplaza]

TEXT ⤻ AUBREY 🌈👭💞🌸

Jen: because i'm a dumb bitch who apparently thinks she's invincible or something. spoiler alert: i am not. death is creeping up on me quickly, it comes faster and faster the longer i stand out on this mountain.

Jen: i mean, i took a ski to the boob, so yeah. it still hurts. i'm thinking about icing it soon, but i'm also thinking about just laying face down in some snow and hoping it'll do the same thing. just when i thought i was at my lowest point, i go lower.

Jen: but yes. cuddles would be lovely.

Aubrey: Well, we both think that about each other. It's a problem. But I didn't fall, so I'm proud of myself. get off the mountain. I need you alive. Thank you.

Aubrey: Did you ice it? I hope you did. Actually, yeah. laying face down in the snow will help. I'll come join you. We can call it the reverse snow angel? We'll never be at our lowest point, bb.

Aubrey: Ok yeah. It's our last night so cuddles and girls night tonight? I can't believe how quickly this week went by. ALSO. I randomly shared a blanket with some chick from Grey's Anatomy the other day? It was weird but I liked it? Is this what winter sports do to people?

[aubreycplaza]

text ↬ aubrey.

Donald: WHY MUST YOU YELL?

Donald: go do your things!

Donald: who's stopping you? not i.

Donald: also. i'm a goner. the cold is too much for this old man. i'm currently ghost-texting, it's a thing.

Aubrey: BECAUSE IT'S FUN.

Aubrey: I did!

Aubrey: You weren't but I wanted to blame you for being late.

Aubrey: I knew the French Alps would eventually kill you. Hello ghost Glover. How is dead life? Is it fun? Come back to me.

[aubreycplaza]

chylerxleighh‌:

“Only if you’re sure! We can totally share it.” She smiled at the girl, wrapping it around herself, fully prepared to share if Aubrey had wanted to. “I am so cold. I didn’t plan on staying outside as long as I did.” Chyler said as she sat down again, making herself comfortable. “I am, but, I’m missing my kids a lot.” She answered. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

Aubrey thought about it briefly and shrugged as she slid under the blanket. “You’re a god send, I swear. It’s freezing in this damn place.” She laughed as she relaxed a bit under the warmth. “How long were you out?” She turned again to look at the girl next to her. She hadn’t been planning on being out long either, but getting lost in the cold would do that to her a person. “Aw, I bet they miss you too.” She nodded. “Having a damn good time, minus all the activities and the snow. I would’ve much preferred a trip to the beach. The alcohol helps.” She teased a bit. Aubrey wasn’t one for parties, either. Truthfully, being a homebody would’ve been the best thing for her. But it was always good to get out and mingle. And Chyler seemed nice enough company. “I’m Aubrey, by the way. Don’t think we’ve met yet.”

[aubreycplaza]

TEXT ⤻ AUBREY 🌈👭💞🌸

Jen: hello absolute love of my life

Jen: update: i tried to ski today. as you can imagine, it did not go well. i didn't know i was that flexible, but i guess when you're plummeting down a hill of snow, a lot of shit goes down. anyway. long story short, i think i bruised my boob.

Aubrey: HELLO love my life.

Aubrey: OMG. Why did you do this without me? I can't believe I missed this. Is your boob ok? Are you ok? Need some Aubrey cuddles to make you feel better?

[aubreycplaza]

text ↝ witchy woman

Emma: good! we should definitely catch up over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate while we're here, unless one of the activities catches your attention?

Emma: how's your first couple days been?

Aubrey: ALL of the activities catch my attention, but coffee would be more save for my body.

Aubrey: GOOD! I'm having so much fun. How about you?

[aubreycplaza]

text ↬ aubrey.

Aubrey: WHERE ARE YOU?

Aubrey: I have things to do.

Aubrey: A DINNER TO ATTEND.

Aubrey: WHY AREN'T WE HANGING OUT?