Aubrie Says Things.

Musings from a girl who was once asked "Aubrie, why do you want to be pizza so much?" by a 5-year-old and was also named after a song by Bread. I'll try to keep my posts full of cheese.

[aubs913]

An Open Letter to the Hatman AND the Scatman

Dear Hatman and Scatman,

           Or should I say Lou Bega and John Paul Larkin? On second thought, I think Hatman and Scatman really sum it up. I just want to say “hats off” for releasing a collabo called “Scatman and Hatman” between two of the greatest artists to blare out of the Wildwood Boardwalk speakers two decades ago! Sheer ba-dop-ba-da-dop-brilliance. Hats off, Hatman. Scats off, Scatman.

           I do have one question for the Hatman though…was the Scatman even involved in this video? Have you two ever been in the same room together? Could you ACTUALLY be the same person? I only ask because you DO both wear hats, and all of the Scatman’s footage is from his original video. The lyrics do begin with “Scatman and Hatman travel in time!” but to be honest it only looks like the Hatman is actually travelling in time, as Scatman is exactly how he was in the 1995 hit video from the critically acclaimed* (if it wasn’t, it SHOULD be) album “Scatman’s World”.

             The sheer idea that one of you in the future and one of you in stock footage form could collaborate makes my adolescent heart (now stuck in a 35 year old woman’s body) skip a be-ba-bop-ba-dop-beat. Both of your songs ruled the Wildwood Boardwalk in the late 1990’s! I remember being stuck on the Tilt-A-Whirl because the ride operator Ricky had a crush on my Aunt Roe. The whole 45 minutes was a blur of “Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop” and “A Little Bit of Tina by my side!” At one point, Ricky would just chime in on the PA system when any woman’s name was said and replace it with “Roe!” It would’ve been more charming were we not on the verge of puking after leaning to the left on turns for almost a full hour.

           I think you did a really nice job of bringing the song into modern times with the second line- “Scatman & Hatman going online!” And by “you”, I mean “Hatman” because you had to write all of the lyrics. Or maybe you and Scatman sat down in a hat factory (or a scat factory? …I hope it wasn’t that one) and penned the words? Perhaps Scatman is being followed too closely by the government and has a new face (I bet he kept the same hat!), and this is the reason he didn’t want to appear in the video. I mean, in 1995 I honestly didn’t know either of you wore hats because that was before the golden age of the Internet. If only I paid more attention to The Box when someone paid $1.99 via phone to request your feel-good-videos-of-the-summer-I would’ve clearly caught on that you were both “hatman’s”!

            I’m sorry if I seem to be focusing more on the Hatman here, Scatman. I know this is an open letter to be-ba-bop-ba-dop-both of you, but I’m really not sure you exist based on the fact that I’ve only ever seen you in that video from 1995. I really would’ve liked to see you scatting in a nice hat in this new video. I mean, the original video is a CLASSIC so maybe you were thinking “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and I get it, believe me. Who can touch lyrics like “The stutter and the scat is the same thing.” Easily the coolest stance on speech disorders TO DATE. Not to be overlooked for your political stance in the lyrics, “Why should we be pleasin' all the politician heathens who would try to change the seasons if they could?” If you decide to come out of hiding, the 2020 elections are coming up and you’d make a great campaign manager!

           Before I let you go (because I’m pretty sure only the Hatman will actually see this), I do have one more question for you, the Hatman- did you think of having a hat counter in the corner of any of your videos? It would be a logical move to have one in everything you do from here on out, and that might be a cool way to incorporate present-day Scatman in future projects! Maybe he can scat the number of hats he sees in the corner of the screen? Imagine how cool it would be to hear him say “Three-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!” after the third hat is shown! If it seems like a good idea to you, it’s all yours- royalty free-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!

           I hope you didn’t take offense to my hat-counter idea, Hatman. This truly is a love letter to both of you (please pass this along to the Scatman, Hatman- as I’m sure he’s not reading this) patting you on the hat…I mean scat…I mean skee-ba-bop-ba-dop-back for bringing together two icons of my childhood- I can’t hear either of your songs without imagining myself spinning backwards on the Himalaya, and I thank you from the be-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop-bottom of my heart for that.

           Yours in Hats,

                A little bit of Aubrie-ba-da-bop-ba-dop Williams by your side 4evr

[aubs913]

Hey Jimmy, Have You Eaten the World Yet?: An Open Letter to Jim Adkins

I'm really concerned about when, where and how you will eat the world.

[aubs913]

The Only Headshot Who Hasn’t Found Love (A Very Specific Monologue by Aubrie Williams)

            You may look at me and just see a glossy black and white photo that’s sent out to Casting Directors in a mini-mall in the burbs, but I assure you I’m so much more than that! I’m one of 482 copies of leftover headshots who were bravely placed out into the world by one woman who’s mission it was to find them love. It was a selfless act that we were all touched by, and if we had tear ducts, you would’ve been able to see a single tear flow from my and collectively our eyes.

           Out of all 482 copies, it has come to my attention that I am the only one who hasn’t found love. Sure, you may think that I’m only an image printed on cardstock, but according to the definition, I am a sentient being- sentience is a metaphysical quality of all things that require respect and care, and old theater headshots certainly require both…ask the walls of any Applebee’s or Dave & Busters! And like all of those other headshots- I have feelings too. 

           As I was sitting at a booth in a local Wendy’s, I caught the glimpse of the news story of 481 headshots who all found their soulmates and could now live happily ever after. I would notice those 481 faces anywhere- they were MY FACE, as we were all the same headshot. I was happy for them at first until someone walked by and spilled Baconator grease on me, further impeding my chances of ever finding love- talk about metaphorically kicking a piece of paper when it’s down. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why them?” After all, we were the same exact picture, and if people were basing their choice solely on looks then I guess it may’ve been some other factor- perhaps it was the fact that I was left in a Wendy’s and not a Fogo de Chao or a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.

           Look, this isn’t about self-confidence- I have plenty of that, I’m a theater headshot. No one looks as good as they look in a theater headshot in real life. It’s more about the principle of it- what was I lacking that those other 481 headshots had? Was my gloss not as glossy? Was I slightly bent at the edges? I may be bent, but I assure you that does not make me “broken” or “less than.” I’m paper, and paper is very easily creased.

           Since I was once told by a casting agent for a Luden’s cough drop commercial that self-loathing isn’t becoming, I will continue to be my happy and confident theater headshot self and not base my self-worth on the happiness of 481 other headshots who are happily married and living a fulfilling life. Sure, it’d be really easy to be depressed right now, but I’m not going to do that because theater headshots are generally happy and carefree. I’ll put my time and energy into things like speed-dating and photo-copying myself so I feel less alone in this journey of being the only headshot who didn’t find love. And who knows- maybe when I least expect it, love will find me and I’ll have my own one hour special on being the last headshot to find love that will eventual lead to me owning my own TV network and magazine. One of 482 theater headshots can dream, right?

[aubs913]

5 Ways to Commit to Being Vegan Without Ever Committing to Being Vegan

In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re secretly killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!

1)    Stock your shelves that people will see with tofu, fruits, vegetables, figs, bread and other starches. And then saw out a piece of dry wall in the basement, put a mini fridge filled with bacon, frozen meatballs, and the good cheese behind it, place the piece of wall back, and hang a vintage framed photo over it so no one will ever think to look there.

2)    At a party where there’s no vegan options but your Mom is watching your every move to make sure your sticking to your strict Vegan diet? No prob! Eat any nearby decorative plant that doesn’t look poisonous while staring your mother straight in the eyes. Then excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and eat that baconator you’ve been carrying around in your purse! Even if it’s been in there awhile, it’ll still taste better than that houseplant!

3)    On a hot date? Order the sexiest vegan option, like a plant based burrito, and then when it comes yell “Woah, is that Hulk Hogan at the salad bar?!?!” And when your date turns around to see if it’s really Hulk Hogan, take out the bacon bits and shredded cheddar you’ve kept in your pocket, and load that baby up!

4)    Have a favorite neighborhood supermarket where people know you and are secretly keeping track of everything you buy? Make sure to buy all of your vegan options there, and then drive three counties over wearing Groucho glasses and a hat, pretend you’re on Supermarket Sweep, and load up two carts full of Tostinos, Pierogis, and White Castle sliders in under 5 minutes. Store it at an allies’ house until the house is empty and you can safely get them to your secret fridge.

5)    This is a trick I learned as a young child- if you’re in a pinch and can’t secretly eat an Italian hoagie in an empty storage room, no biggie- just yell “I’m on vacation!” Even if you’re not on vacation, this phrase makes it OK to do, say, or eat whatever the fuck you want. Things don’t count when you’re on vacation, and you’ll still be an upstanding Vegan in the eyes of all of those around you, because hey- they get it! You’re on vacation, and nothing counts when you’re on vacation! So go ahead and have that meatball calzone topped with a few pigs in a blanket!

[aubs913]

5 DIY Hacks I Learned From My Grade-School Shop Teacher With A Wooden Leg

Some things I learned from Mr. Kirkson, my middle school shop teacher with a wooden leg!

1.   Wood cut into a triangle makes a great doorstopper, and kids love sliding down sawdust piles at Old Mills!

The second part sounds unconventional, but so was Mr. Kirkson! He claimed kids loved sliding down old sawdust piles better than any fancy playground, and we thought it was real brave of him to go there since it seemed ultimately dangerous for the state of his wooden leg!

2.   Use an old mason jar for the top of a gumball machine, and also you can donate all of your wooden legs to the school’s health class for when they learn about prosthetics!

Mason jars make great gumball machines when paired with a wooden base, and also it’s great to expand your student’s knowledge about prosthetics! Once your insurance covers the new Wooden Leg 5.0, donate the older version to the schools Health class! That way the kids can have a real grasp on all the almost most up-to-date prosthetics in existence! Bonus points if you carve “Health Class Rulez +” into it before passing it along!

3.   If you melt a record down and shape it correctly it can be used as a neat desk organizer! Also, pranks are fun!

The record desk organizers hold pencils and paper nicely! And don’t forget to make sure to not tell the incoming sixth grade class you have a wooden leg, that way while you’re carving on the wooden table with a knife you can switch gears and stab your wooden leg when they LEAST EXPECT IT! It’s sure to give them all a good chuckle, and won’t hurt you at all because your leg is wooden!

4.   Always wear safety goggles, and be sure never to put your left leg too close to a table saw!

Safety is important, especially when working with young children! You don’t want to lose and eye- or a leg, but hey, it happens! Safety goggles prevent the eye part, and don’t forget that your left leg is your wooden leg (lefty loosey is a good rhyme to remember this) and not a good one to rest on the table saw, just in case! The right one is fine as long as the safety is on and the cover is up, as the table saw makes a VERY comfortable leg rest!

5.   Open all windows in the shop when using chemicals like paint and paint thinner, and never challenge your more skillful friend to a chainsaw fight while drinking!

Proper ventilation is important in a small enclosed space, and also, no matter how cool you think the trick might be, NEVER get drunk and have a chainsaw fight with your buddies! If you think there is potential for danger to yourself, don’t bet your buddy $500 that you’ll win in a chainsaw fight when you know he’s more skilled than you. Safety is important both in the shop AND on the streets, and sometimes all it takes is one careless moment after a long night of too many bud lights to cause a lifetime of regret!

[aubs913]

There are two more chances to see Goat Rodeo’s “Pet Me” at Philly Improv Theater (2030 Sansom St., MainStage)- tonight 6/29 and tomorrow 6/30 at 8:30pm! Here are some pictures from the last show “The Love Goat” taken by the wonderful Sam Abrams Photography (https://www.samabramsphotography.com). Ticket links below, so come on out to see if any wigs fall off this time around! 

https://phitcomedy.ticketleap.com/sketch-riot-presents-goat-rodeo-jun-29-2017/

https://phitcomedy.ticketleap.com/sketch-riot-presents-goat-rodeo-jun-30-2017/

[aubs913]

Musings From The Guy Who Married An Old Theater Headshot (A Very Specific Monologue by Aubrie Williams)

         Hi, I’m Steve, and I happily married one of those old theater headshots three years ago. I saw it sitting in a booth at Denny’s, and at first I thought it was some asshole kid pulling a prank, but then I went up to it and noticed an inscription- “I’m looking for a life partner- low-maintenance, will laugh at all of your jokes, loves a fine wine paired with a nice cheese but doesn’t overindulge in either (I’m watching my figure).” That last part really got me, and I chucked to myself- I don’t know if I’d call it irony, but it was pretty funny that this picture of a model or actor or some shit was making a joke about it’s weight because it doesn’t even have a body- it’s just a picture!

             I was hooked. Here, I just went in for my weekly All-American slam, and BAM! I mean, SLAM! I found my soul mate- an 8 by 10 piece of paper with a personality and sense of humor. I never believed in that soul mate bullshit that was always in movies my mom was watching on TV upstairs, but here it was- happening to me, Steve Elves (pronounced “Elves” as in “Santa’s Helpers” and not as in that As You Wish guy from the Princess movie). As cheesy as it may sound, I saw fireworks as soon as I laid eyes on her- she had a menu in front of her and there are fireworks all over the Denny’s menu, so I think that was a sign. Here I was at Denny’s hitting a real life Grand Slam, and my mom could no longer get on me to find a nice girl and settle down.

         I sat down across from her, asked her what she wanted to eat, and then assumed she said “I’ll have what you’re having!” so I ordered us two All-American Slams. I couldn’t see her very well, because those booths are deep and the tables are high, so I propped her up on the napkin dispenser. We talked about EVERYTHING- the new Honey Bacon Jalapeno Slam, which I was intrigued by but not quite ready to try, work, my new apartment in my Uncle’s attic. She didn’t eat any of her food, but I reassured her I still thought she was just as patriotic as me. Since she can’t eat, I ate hers too. This relationship stuff was pretty awesome- I always wanted to order two of those in one sitting, but my Mom’s friend works there and knew she would tell my Mom cause that’s too much cholesterol for one meal. Now, I felt like the King of the World eating my 8 pieces of meat, 4 pieces of bread and what I assume are 30 eggs and 15 potatoes.

        Sure, you may think that a relationship between a human and a theater headshot is unconventional, but it’s way better than any other previous relationship I had! She’s always by my side, as long as I remember to pick her up and physically move her. She’s not impressed by jewelry or clothes or purses, so I’ve saved enough money for us to move into an apartment together! And my health insurance still only covers me, but she’s a headshot so it works out perfectly. We have date night every Thursday, and I’m always eager to show her off around town! Last week we went bowling and I accidentally threw her down the lane- that’s what I get for trying to be a nice guy and help her carry the ball while also carrying her. She understood, and thanked me for helping her cross off an item on her bucket list.

       It’s the year 2017, so I’m truly amazed at how anyone could not be OK with me getting legally married to an old theater headshot- people marry animals and rocking chairs ALL OF THE TIME- maybe you’re surprised by this true statement, and maybe not. If not, I commend you for accepting my progressive choice to be legally married to a piece of paper. And don’t worry, for our first Wedding anniversary I didn’t get her a paper gift- thought that’d be almost as cruel as getting her a paper shredder, and you just don’t do that to someone you love! I got her the gift I’ll get her every year for our anniversary so far- her very own All-American Slam! And I’ll get her one every year until eating all of the bacon catches up to me!

[aubs913]

If You See Me On Match.com, Please Know That You Will Be Dating a Copy of My Old Theater Headshot

If you happen to be perusing a dating site and see pictures of me cliff-diving in the Alps or reading a book in a park, know that when you express ...

[aubs913]

Every Day is A Goat Day to Rodeo Hard!

In honor of "Goat Rodeo V: A Goat Day To Rodeo Hard" opening yesterday and us saddling up to do it again tonight, I will tell a story about one of my favorite moments with these Goats- audition day! And I’m not just saying that because there were donuts and pizza, because we always have tons of snacks- we’re grazers.

At this point we were a small but strong herd of writers, and we needed a team of what I'll refer to as "show goats" to perform the things we wrote on paper. PS- ever been in a writer room with goats? Not many of the paper scripts survive because we eat most of them. Anyway, I digress.

Some of us writer’s who wanted to perform sat in during the whole process-  Aaron Hertzog, Chris McGrail and myself. Add the head writer and director, a Brian Kelly, and an occasional pop-in from fellow GR writers- it's a party, people. And that was before auditioners even came!

Since it was a long day (from 9am to 6pm roughly) and we had so many stand-out auditions, I'm just going to give a brief summary of the ones who became our fellow goats!

Kristy Goldy: Goldy was one of the last auditions of the day, and this was the first time most of us had every met her. She busted out some killer fake Kidz Bop songs and sang them very impressively. The rest, as they say, is history.

Matt Lamson: Matt re-enacted a conversation between two co-workers, switching chairs and voices seamlessly. It was especially hilarious towards the end when they’d cut each other off a lot and he had to run back and forth.

Kevin Petit: Kevin did a superb rendition of Hamlet, seriously and overly theatrical. Not many people could pull off Hamlet at a comedy audition, but Kevin had us all cracking up- I can safely say he’s one of few who can.

Sue Taney: Sue brought her dog, Kobayashi, and acted out the P.S.A. on Salt-n-Pepa’s “Very Necessary” entitled “I Got AIDS.” Kobi played the role of Mario, and both performances were riveting. 

Kaitlin Thompson: Kait started the audition boldly- with Thank You cards for each of us in the room containing $1 and no message inside but a hand-drawn winky-face. She then listed what she would, wouldn’t, and couldn't yet do in performances. One of her “couldn’t yet’s” was a cartwheel.

Zachary Uzupis: We had all never met Zach before, and he came in and wowed us with three characters. If we all had to chose a favorite, I think it would be a unanimous vote for the guy who wanted to get revenge on birds because they kept pooping on him...the revenge was always interrupted by more bird poop. It was a lovely start to the whole day!

And there you have it! A very brief description of a few of the auditions that stole our hearts! Our 5th show “A Goat Day To Rodeo Hard” runs tonight and then again next week on 4/23 & 4/24 at 9PM at Philly Improv Theater! Come check it out!

[aubs913]

How I Met The Wire Mothers

In honor of The Wire Mothers show tonight at Philly Improv Theater, I am going to tell you the story of how I met themadonnamarie and Briana. Madonna is the founding member of ManiPedi, and Briana was the 1st member I got to work with outside of ManiPedi (before we were members). They are both wonderfully talented, and have since moved to the Big Apple and started a musical duo called The Wire Mothers. Seriously, go see their show tonight at PHIT! And now...how I met The Wire Mothers.

Kids- one day on the FB I received a message from someone I hadn't known, and her name was Madonna. Now, just because I didn't know her didn't mean I didn't already like her- I had heard that she was the new member of Camp Woods so I knew she had to be awesome. Plus, on this fateful Facebook day, she sent me a link to an article about Mindy Kaling's new book with a note attached. I'll recall that note from memory, as I think all traces of it are wiped from the WWW: "Hey! I heard you're in a group called Local Holiday Miracle, and I thought you might like this!" And in some weird way as soon as I got that message from a stranger, I had a sneaking suspicion that this may be the beginning of not only a Facebook friendship, but a real life one too!

Fast forward to a few weeks later when I was taking part in a Dirtiest Sketch competition. It was here that I finally met Madonna in person, and the circumstances were pretty perfect. I was backstage prepping with the Feeko Brothers- I was about to collect the audience's spit for them to drink, which was one of the true peaks in all of our lives I'm sure. Madonna was about to do a sketch about Helen Keller getting her period blood everywhere. We were backstage with a bunch of comedians who were about to leave it all on stage, and we were introduced to each other. Just as I was thanking Madonna for sending that article, we both looked over to see Joe Mayo's balls hanging out for a sketch where he would put them through a painting of the Mona Lisa. What an intro! And to keep the proverbial ball rolling, the next time I saw Madonna on the day I met her, I was collecting her spit in a carafe (sorry guys, I know this is gross)- and when I needed more, all of the Camp Woods crew spit in it again. Luckily, these two things only happened on that day and never again. Yet anyway.

Around the same time I met Madonna, I had met a few other key players of ManiPedi- one was Briana Kelly. I ended up taking a class taught by Kevin Allison of The State, because why wouldn’t I. Luckily, I ended up in a class full of superstars- some I had known from other things like Sketch Up or Shut Up, and some I had not. Briana came in with a Civil War Reenactment sketch where a guy was dead-set on authenticity and had the other reenactors use a real bullet instead of a blank, so they respected his wish and killed him. Anything she brought in from here on out, in this class and beyond, was gold. Twisted, beautiful gold. 

At the end of this class, we performed two shows in one day. The Civil War sketch opened, and killed. A sketch of mine where I was exorcised at an Olive Garden was towards the end of the show- I cast BreeDawg in it selfishly because I wanted to act with her. She played the waitress who exorcized me by throwing spaghetti at me live on-stage. She committed to this insane thing I had asked her to do, and it wouldn’t be the first time- that canned spaghetti formed a weird bond between us, and I had hoped to see her perform again after that class. It was as this class was ending that we had both gotten the invite to be on ManiPedi- Bree was in a writing class with Madonna, and the dots were connecting. I can’t remember which one of us mentioned that we were in ManiPedi first, but I was ecstatic that I got to continue working with this girl.

So these are the truly bizarre and brilliant stories of my meeting two people who became teammates, friends, and The Wire Mothers. 

[manipedisketch-deactivated20180]

TONIGHT! 9PM! Journey inside of Karen’s head with us for “Karen’s Dream.” Tickets can be found here!

[manipedisketch-deactivated20180]

Tomorrow at 9PM, ManiPedi presents “Karen’s Dream” at the Philly Improv Theater! All of your age old questions will be answered, like “Who is Karen?” and “Why are we stuck in Karen’s Dream?” You know, the usual. Guest directed by the wonderful Maggy Keegan!

[aubs913]

I've been a part of this group since themadonnamarie's Inception (DREAM/MOVIE REFERENCE!) and I'm always proud of the work that we put on stage. Tomorrow will be no different, and also our first time with a director (Maggy Keegan!)- don't miss it! This show has consistently been blowing my mind, and I'm positive it'll blow yours as well.

[aubs913]

The Great ManiPedi Food Incident of 2012

In honor of #manipedimonday, my next story will be the recounting of ManiPedi’s first ever sketch festival!

MP had started in August of 2012, and in May we were accepted into the Ladies Are Funny Festival in Austin, TX. This was our first time traveling as a group and I believe all of our first sketch festivals. I had only done Improv festivals before, so packing a bunch of rope and wigs and colonial nightgowns in your luggage was new territory for me.

There are so many things I can focus on- like the overwhelming hospitality of the festival towards 5 strangers from Philly, seeing the bats fly out of the Congress Ave. Bridge while a dude dressed as Thor rode a rickshaw overtop, driving to Barton Springs to find out it was closed. But I’ll focus on the first thing I researched when finding out we were going to Austin- the food.

We must’ve consumed ∞ calories between the five of us over the first 24 hours. We ate barbecue, .89 breakfast tacos, and frito pie. Kait tried a Philly cheesesteak at a diner even though we were in Austin, and it was not good at all. The most memorable food day for me was Friday, the day of our first out of town show. We decided the smart thing to do would be to go on our own food truck tour a few hours before our show. We hit up all of the trucks on South 1st St. in the blistering heat. I had chicken fried bacon on a lobster roll, donuts with chicken fingers and bacon on them, deep fried mac and cheese, fried pickles, ice cream, coffee, water ice, a bite of a corn dog- all a few hours before our show. It was the best worst idea we’ve ever had, and I know that we’ll do this again at a future festival.

Once we got back to the hotel to grab our stuff, we had to lay down in hopes to stop sweating bacon grease- this is what I did at least. When we got to the theater, we got in the green room with the other two acts on the bill, one of which was Mary Jo Pehl from Mystery Science theater 3000- everyone else was holding up fine and chatting with her. Madonna even mentioned the Camp Woods video Mystery Science Andre 3000 and she watched and shared it. I, however, felt like five food trucks drove into my stomach. There was a point about an hour before the show thought I had food poisoning- my face turned white and I had to lay down on a couch and take a time out.

Luckily, the comedy Gods were on my side and let my guttony go, because a half hour before we went on, I snapped out of it and decided to chug a beer. The moral of this story for all of the MP’s would have to be this- “YOLO.” Luckily none of us died that day!

We are now in our 5th gen of MP, and you can catch us 9PM this Thursday and Friday at Philly Improv Theater where we will be performing “Karen’s Dream." We are also guest directed by the amazing Maggy Keegan, who is Artistic Director of Figment Theater! Check all of the things I linked up out, because they’re great.

[aubs913]

Ever Take an Office Chair Through Security?

I did, and this is the story of it. The security in question is none other than that of Philadelphia's own Liberty Bell. Now, some of you are probably asking "Why the hell would you need to take an office chair through security?!?!?"- watch this and it'll hopefully make a bit more sense.

This is the story of my very first Stare at Shannon episode. Shannon DeVido is one of my closest friends and favorite people in the world, and I'm not alone in that sentiment. We first bonded over playing victims on various shows (she was on Law & Order and I was on Forensic Files), and I knew this was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. I remember Shannon asking me my thoughts on the idea of her web series, and I was instantly in love with it and anticipating the episodes. It wasn't too long after the series hit the Internet that Shan asked me if I would be a part of it, and I immediately said hell yes. I didn't even need to know what she wanted me to do, but when I found out, I was way too excited- so excited that I called my mom to immediately tell her how I would spend my Saturday. The conversation went like this: "MOM, GUESS WHAT I'M DOING WITH SHANNON SATURDAY? I'M TAPING AN EPISODE OF STARE AT SHANNON WHERE SHE'S GOING TO GIVE ME A TOUR OF THE CITY BY PULLING ME ON AN OFFICE WHEELIE CHAIR!" to which she replied laughing, "Aubrie." This about sums up my mom's reply to me most of the time- my parents are super supportive of what I do, but they probably don't expect their 30 year old daughter to say half of the stuff I say to them in regards of my daily plans.

On the day of the shoot, we drove into Old City with a camera, a tripod, an office chair and a bunch of rope in the trunk- typical Saturday. After realizing the rope may be dangerous and very unreliable, we gave that dream up and I simply held on to the chair. The first few shots were outdoors, meaning we did not have to ask anyone's permission. Even if we did, we probably wouldn't. After that, we decided to go big or go home and bring ourselves, our video equipment, and our office chair into the building that housed the Liberty Bell (where the only thing that was permitted in that list was ourselves). Still, we weren't going to let that stop us! Surely, we thought the guard would let that stop us. Everyone got through without so much as a question...until me. I was in fact pushing an office chair, which for all they knew could've been a weird bomb.

The security guard, upon noticing my chair, simply laughed and said "That's a new one!" and let me push it through the metal detector. Once it was clear that it wasn't a threat, he continued to laugh and said "You brought your own chair! That's a new one!" I thought I was safe at this point and that he would let me go through without questioning it further, but then he asked it- "Why do you need a chair to see the Liberty Bell?" This was a tough one to answer, and I figured vague would be best. "I'm on a tour." "With a chair? What're ya gonna do with it?" "Go on a tour." I didn't want to give away my hand just yet, because if I said we were taping a thing he would've surely kicked us out. I also didn't want to say, "See my friend over there? She's just going to pull me around in this chair!" There was no way I could've answered that question without having to answer a hundred more questions, and we were on a time crunch. Luckily, for about the 8th time, he let us slide. He kept his eye on us as I sat in said chair and had my friend whisk me away through a crowd of tourists, and probably just assumed a was a weirdo who did this all of the time. This was one of my favorite days ever, and I hope one day there is a sequel to this episode.

I've since gotten to do another episode of Stare At Shannon (at the Inauguration in 2013- I'll tell the story of Miss N.J. 2009 soon...) and collaborate on numerous other projects with the brilliant Shannon DeVido- one of which is "Bent But Not Broken" which performs tomorrow at 6:30PM at the ucbtheatre​ in Chelsea- you can find out more info here! Also, check out Shannon on The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore!

[aubs913]

On The Day Spierogie Was Born

Last night, our first episode of Spierogie and Friends dropped online at the exact moment(-ish) that Katy Perry was dancing with sharks. For those of you haven't heard me mention Spierogie and Friends, it is a short web series about a witch puppet named Spierogie who hosts a kid's show. If you think about things that shouldn't host a kid's show, a witch puppet is probably up there. It is dark and weird and meant to be funny and also educational, and you can check out our first episode "Balls" here!

It has been a group effort in so many ways- Joe Sabatino made us an original marionette and stunt puppet, Fred Brown and Drew Evans made us an amazing original score, and Electric Kite Animation helped us bring our lil' witch to life in a beautiful way by producing this thing and making it look beautiful. We also had so many talented friends give us wonderful notes on the scripts- shout out to Shannon DeVido, Brian Kelly, Tim Moore, Caitlin Weigel, & Gabrielle Utsey! But for now, I want to tell the story of how Andrew Pelberg (follow him on here at splinterinmynipple, one of the more questionable Tumblr titles!) and I initially created this bizarre world.

Drew and I had known each other for years, and we had often expressed our interest of writing together- usually when we were drinking at a party, but sometimes over cheesesteaks and wings. One fateful day we decided that although we loved eating food and drinking beer, we could do that after writing a few pages- and so began our journey to figure out what the hell we would write. We both love dark humor and things that seem a bit off, and so we decided to just go to a thrift store and see if anything inspired us. So we walked to Philly AIDS Thrift and just so happened to find a witch puppet for $10. After some encouragement from me, Drew bought it. We didn't think this would be the thing we'd write about- that happened over wings.

At about 12 in the afternoon- before eating a proper breakfast and after a rigorous exercise regimen of walking slowly around a thrift store- we decided we should grab food. Drew and I both knew that I had to take part in a Vegan Wing Bowl with my sketch troupe manipedisketch that very night, but still- there was no doubt that we would split an order of too many wings (maybe 30? I can't remember- the wings clogged my memory). It was over these wings that Spierogie was born. We began to talk about what situations a witch puppet may be in, and for some reason we thought it was funny to make her the host of a kid's show- sort of like if a shaky Land of Make-Believe puppet were to take on the role of Fred Rogers. We then began to spiral out of control (I'd blame the wings, but that's how we always are) and think of inappropriate and occult things we could sprinkle in, and how we'd make her like a weird old aunt who means well but often does things that are inappropriate. She would be clumsy and own a faulty broom and have a traditional witch name! We couldn't think of a good one off-hand, until Drew tried to conjure up Strega Nona's name- "You know, the one with the pasta pot- Spierogie!" This was the happiest of accidents. And there we had it- her name would be the word for a delicious Polish dumpling with an "S" in front of it. 

And that was the beginning of the world that is now on the Internet as of last night! It's a weirdly delightful one that is equal parts witch puppets and wings and collaboration and love of the dark and bizarre. I hope it confuses people while bringing them lots of cheer. Spread her around if you'd care to, and remember- Cat spelled backwards is just Tac!

[aubs913]

Scott Speedman Shoe Story

I have been trying to figure out a way to keep this Tumblr current (unlike the katyperryfood blog I started once), and think I finally have it! I will tell stories I have told to my friends on this very blog and you can read them if you're so inclined! Also, shout out to Nicole Yates for asking if I told the shoe story on the Gettin' Close with Mike Marbach Podcast- I didn't, so here it is!

In 2004, I was a wardrobe assistant on a movie called The 24th Day. If you've never seen this movie on TBS- loosely, it's a thriller about the HIV virus (and it's on Amazon Instant Video if you'd care to watch it). This was a pretty cool gig for a 20-year-old in community college, and I have plenty of stories from this time that I will tell later. But first- SHOES!

Scott Speedman was fresh off his Felicity stint where he played Ben Covington- I didn't watch much Felicity, but in the one or two episodes I saw he was dressed exactly like this. At first I thought this was specific to the character of Ben, but I soon found out it's just what Scott Speedman always loves to wear- even if the wardrobe team has a very specific look in mind that involves fancy Armani shirts and dress pants. So there I was in a room with the production team and Scott Speedman, surrounded by fancy dress clothes and shoes that cost more than my life. I can't remember this detail 100% because it happened in 2004, but it was at that moment that: A) Scott immediately went to the one green flannel shirt and pair of jeans that was on a rack of extra clothes in the corner, or B) Scott Speedman pulled his own ripped jeans and flannel shirts out of his Jansport backpack and insisted that was what he'd wear for this and every shoot. My brain wants to say it was B.

Scott was charming and this seemed like a move that was the polar opposite of one a Diva would pull, so production agreed and he got to wear his Ben Covington costume (as only I referred to it as) for the duration of the shoot. On the first day of shooting, I handed him what may have been his actual own clothes from his personal selection and some fancy new boots (because fancy dress loafers didn't exactly work with ripped jeans and a flannel). Scott gladly accepted the clothes, and gladly declined the new boots. "I'll just wear my own boots- they're comfortable and worn in." I checked in with my costume guru Leonard, and he said that was fine.

Neither of us knew just how "worn in" these boots were, but we soon found out with the rest of the cast and crew. We were shooting at the old Convention Center and everything in that place (including our sets) were made out wood. Our set floors were newly finished- unlike the original Convention Center floors- making them 100% more slippery. So- after doing his preliminary 40 push-ups before even walking on set- Scott Speedman ran onto the wooden floor and slid. He wasn't hurt, but as wardrobe people we had to inspect the problem and make sure it didn't happen again so he didn't break his face (or as people in The Biz probably call it, "The Money Maker"). We had him take off his boots, and to little surprise to us- there were no soles. Well, there was a tiny bit of worn down sole around a giant gaping hole on both shoes. Leonard's solution was for Scott Speedman to take off his old boots and put on our new boots. Scott Speedman's solution was to not do that and keep wearing his old boots. My solution was...actually, I had no say in it as I was an intern- but for the record, I agreed with Leonard.

And so, from that second on I had to do what probably no one besides me was ever asked to do on-set before (unless they worked with Speedman on Felicity maybe)- I had to get a large quantity of adhesive sandpaper, trace the soles of Scott Speedman's boots on ALL OF IT, and essentially tape these pieces of sandpaper to Scott Speedman's old boots before every take for the entire shoot. This was a more feasible alternate to "putting on new shoes" in Scott Speedman's head, and I'm not saying that if I were in his position that I wouldn't request the same exact thing just because it seemed hilarious in my head. I don't think I would, but...I might. 

And that is one of many of my glamorous on-set stories, and the day I knew I had really "made it." When I die my headstone will read "Here lies Aubrie- she once had to tape sandpaper to Scott Speedman's shoes every day for a month...oh, you don't know Scott Speedman? He was in Underworld." And if that doesn't fit...well, I'm screwed, because that's exactly what I want it to say. 

[manipedisketch-deactivated20180]

In honor of the Philly Comedy/WitOut Awards being co-hosted by our very own katebanford, we have resurrected the ManiPedi drinking game! Come on out to the worldcafelive this Sunday at 8PM and play along with us!

[aubs913]

This Sunday, it's going DOWN. Come to the WitOut Awards and play our little game with us!