Aubrie

I'm going to hell anyway

[aubwrites]

I'm trying hard to be content with this little life I've built all my own. But oftentimes, my heart longs for the one I had to abandon.

[aubwrites]

I scrubbed my skin in the shower

I used soap, rough rags, and the hottest water my skin could stand

Hoping that if I peeled away the layers of skin I would feel clean again

I went searching for every water source I could get into

Swam in lakes, bathed in the ocean, doused my body in creeks and rivers

Baptized myself beneath waterfalls

All in hopes that I could rid my skin from the touch of those men.

- It wasn't enough, ACS

[aubwrites]

Better is not a thing you become, it is a thing you do

- acs

[aubwrites]

I want to fall in love with someone again. I want the rush of that first kiss. I want the staying up too late to talk to each other even though you know you have to get up in the morning. I want both of us reading our schedules to find any free minute to spend together. I want the "hey I have to go to the store, you wanna come?" Just because its better to be in each other's company. I want the butterflies the first time we lay down together. To figure out the best way we fit into each other's body's the first time we cuddle. The laughing at seeing each other dance like morons to our favorite songs. I want the kind of love they write books and movies about. The kind that makes you smile when you hear their name. The type of love that brings joy when you get to tell someone about them. Yeah... I think I wanna fall in love again.

[aubwrites]

I'm taking care of myself

But it doesn't look like the "self care" you see on Instagram. I'm making dinner when I don't want to, I'm doing my laundry before it becomes overwhelming and I'm smelling my shirts to see if they're clean. I'm buying real groceries, I shower more often than once a week, my room is clean more often than it's dirty, and the trash is never overflowing. I'm taking care of myself but it isn't bubble baths and face masks. It's getting up when I don't want to, it's not calling in to work even though I don't want to go, it's getting 8 hours of sleep, it's eating when I don't like the way my body looks. The "self care" you see on Instagram of pretty girls doing bath bombs, and painting their toes is nice, but is not complete. Self care is more than the occasional nice gesture to yourself. It's hard, it's doing what you don't want to do even when it's difficult. It's paying the bills on time instead of going out of drinks that weekend, it's looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I deserve to eat today" even if you don't fully believe that and eating anyway. It's turning away from all of the negative coping skills that will always seem easier but lead to nowhere. You have to do the ones that feel like uphill battles because if you stay on the path that leads anywhere else you don't get the view.

[aubwrites]

Newton's Third Law:

Newton's third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Today I find a lot of peace in that. Not because I've suddenly taken an interest in physics. But because it gave me a bit of perspective. For years I endured pain, misery, suffering. If I keep this little note about the laws of the universe in my mind it helps remind me that if that came first, happiness, joy, and love are sure to come after. I'm not religious, I do not believe in a God. But I do believe in balance. Balance might not always look the way you want it to. The things you want on the other side of the scale may not be what's presented to you. But that's life. We can either be bitter that our scale doesn't look the way someone else's does, or we can be happy it is balanced. I'm choosing to love the balance. Even when it tips, I'm learning to have patience that it will return. And that, that is what healing looks like.

[aubwrites]

"You have to open yourself up to the possibility that you can be happy" - SFYL 1×05

How do you do that though? What even is happiness long term? I don't know how to let myself be happy for more than a short period of time. Hell I don't even know what that looks like. Is that even real? Are there really people who are just content with their existence a majority of the time?

[aubwrites]

My mind cast me out to sea long ago

While you sit idly by on painted cruise ships

I tread the water carefully

Hoping the next wave will be mild

You call to me telling me to swim

But how am I to keep my head above water

When the sea beckons me below

The sirens call with a song so sweet

It drowns your voice out

Just as it will surely drown me

[aubwrites]

A few months ago I wrote on this very blog about how pointless and arbitrary everything in my life and life in general felt. I was of the opinion that none if it mattered because I'd be gone one day and so would the people that knew me. I often found myself thinking what was the point of love if it was going to end, or the point of joy if you would later feel sadness again? But now I sit and reflect on what it was like to be so in love with someone that the world doesn't feel as dark. It was painful to lose a love like that. It effected me in ways I didn't know were possible, and for a bit after it ended I didn't want to fall in love again. I was completely turned off by the idea of loving someone again because of the possibility of it ending again. But now as I sit here and collect my thoughts I realize that that's part of what makes love so special. You may not get to love someone forever, but that doesn't mean it was wasted. I wouldn't trade a single day with her, I am who I am largely because of that relationship and the effect she had on me as a person. There's beauty in things that are temporary. We want to hold them for a lifetime, but aren't always afforded such opportunities. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to love like that, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do it again. We win, fight, lose, fall down, get back up, love, have heart break, grieve, feel joy, pain, but most of the time it's not permanent. I find that to be beautiful. There's beauty in letting go, even when you want to hold on so tightly.

[aubwrites]

Forbidden Fruit is rarely half eaten

[aubwrites]

Permanence was the goal for so long

But what if it was the hindrance all along?

[aubwrites]

I just want someone to give a shit

[aubwrites]

And so I'll sit up late at night a spew my guts to the internet. All while feeling guilty for being the sad girl again.

[aubwrites]

I wish it was easier to walk away but that's not the kind of person I am. I care, maybe too much at times. I might not always do the right thing but my heart is in the right place. Please just take care of yourself, keep yourself safe. I'm worried. But I also know it's not my place to demand to be involved.

[aubwrites]

“Sometimes you want what you can’t have”

— I’m realizing that too late

[aubwrites]

Loneliness is a bitch when you're sad

[aubwrites]

"And I moved further than I thought I could...

But I miss you more than I thought I would"

- I Found by Amber Run