shark vs the universe
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@audreythedivorcer
UPDATE:
He officially asked me to be his gf this past weekend š„°
In regards to the FWB boys...
2 seem happy for me
1 is upset
1 is hella bitter
And 1 is trying to convince me to do stuff on the side...
Boys are just so weird.
Well itās happened....
Your girl is in like with someone.
I donāt know how the hell it happened, but it did. Heās such a sweet guy and itās crazy how much of a connection we have. Iām especially excited about how much we have been in common with music. Itās hard to find people who listen to hard rock/ metal, but luckily he does.
I like this guy to the point where I told all my āfriends with benefitsā boys that Iām no longer available.
Yeah...Iām there...
I know I said I didnāt think I was ready for a relationship, but I really would like one with him. Heās met my daughter already, which is definitely too soon, but sheās the main thing in my life. She approved of him, mainly because they talked anime haha. Sheās only met him though. Heās the only one Iāve actually wanted to introduce her to. Itās crazy.
Weāll see if this continues, hopefully I donāt scare him off.
Funk
Iāve been in a funk this week. Not sure if Iām having a depression low or what, but I have just been in a shitty mood this week, which Iām sure is going to move into next week too. Since being single, Iāve come to realize that Valentines Day is a stupid day. I hate how itās just getting pushed into your face so hard with trying to buy stuff for thatĀ āspecial someoneā. What about us folks who have nobody?! I guess I was just oblivious to it for the 14 years I was with the ex.
In therapy last night I couldnāt stop talking about my ex. He frustrates me so much that he was the main topic of conversation. When she finally changed the subject to me and what is going on, I didnāt have much to talk about...I did however say I want to learn how to say NO to my ex. We havenāt done anything sexually since the last time (see earlier post), but heās always asking for favors or money. I just cannot say no to him, even though he and I have a history and are still technically still married, I just want nothing to do with him. I unfortunately have to for the rest of my life, because of our daughter, but hopefully I stop focusing on the negatives and move forward.
Dating essentially is somewhat at a stand still. I am talking to guys and of course still have my FWB boys, but I just am not ready to take that leap. My therapist was hoping Iād be further along in the dating process, but she wants me to be ready. Iām starting to feel like itās a lost cause.Ā
None of the boys wanna commit and itās just turning me off to the dating idea. And yes I sayĀ āboysā, because thatās what these guys are...boys! Sending dick pics and wanting return naked pics, not trying to get to know you as a person, just what you enjoy in bed, etc. Itās just plain annoying.Ā
Iāve graduated from every week to every other week for therapy, which means Iām heading in the right direction.Ā
Was in public for a brief moment with the ex and the gf, due to picking up the kid, and still same thing happening of the ex barely talking/ looking at me. I was talking to both him and her, but she seems to be the only one who for the most part acknowledging my existence when I speak to her.Ā
But yet I think itās funny how a couple days a week he hangs out at my apartment, with our daughter there obviously, and seems to only talk to me when he wants help from me financially. The thing about him hanging out is he doesnāt want the gf to know heās there. He asked our daughter one time to see if he pops up on snapchat as being at my place, because he didnāt want her to know.
I found out heās whatās holding up our pending divorce... He still needs to pay his fees and turn in more paperwork, so Iām not sure why heās taking so long?? Especially because he keeps reminding me thatĀ āIām not his futureā. Iām getting to a point where I just wanna pay his fee so we can move it the hell along.
Iām starting to realize more and more things I didnāt realize while I was with him. If heās not getting attention, he tries to get it from someone else (which happened with us). And honestly if things donāt go his way in general he throws a fit. Essentially heās a man child. I definitely donāt want his ass back...
Still going through waves of the wanting a relationship vs not. Iām still very torn about giving myself to someone again, since I somewhat got screwed by the ex. I am enjoying my āfriends with benefitsā boys I have, one of which Iāve seen 2 Saturdays in a row which is definitely uncommon.Ā
Another one of them seems to be jealous of my ex and gets pissed whenever a situation happens involving the ex. And that has happened a few times, since he and I have known each other. I donāt understand that, because heās made it obvious that he doesnāt want a relationship.
Boys are just dumb and need to figure out what they want.
Not giving a fuck lately, which is surprising.
I donāt care about the ex being with the gf anymore. Iāve been happy and am starting to enjoy being with myself. I used to try to find people to hangout with every Saturday, when I donāt have my kid, but now Iām honestly ok hanging by myself.
I still am going through waves of wanting a relationship vs not wanting one.
Ugh itās annoying...
Iām still really open to having one, but the universe just hasnāt thrown me a bone yet.
š¤
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So I hugged the exās gf today...
We had a small thing for our daughterās birthday today with his side of the family. He wanted the gf to be there tonight and I decided it was ok.
(Side note: she and I met alone this week and talked for an hour. Sheās very nice and we seem to be on the same page)
I obviously have a relationship with his family and she just met a few of them for the 1st time tonight. I was including her in conversations and even joked with her a few times. My ex seemed frustrated and didnāt wanna talk to me...he barely made eye contact with me. It frustrates me because it was our daughterās birthday. He and I made her and you really ignored me for the most part? Seems like heās just been really overly upset with me since he cheated on her. Even though HE initiated it, doesnāt mean he should treat me so horribly. Whatās funny is he doesnāt seem to complain when I buy him food or help him with money...
š
I got praise from my sister in law for being more mature than her brother though, so that definitely made me feel good.
Anyways at the end of the party, which he did not help me clean up btw, when they were leaving and he didnāt even say anything to me again. I thanked her for coming and I hugged his gf.
I got praise from my daughter, which is all I need.
So...
This ārelationshipā Iām trying to have with my ex is getting hard. He keeps getting upset that his family is inviting me to things still and that they arenāt asking his permission first. š
He said he doesnāt understand why they are inviting me, but not his gf of 5 months...5 months and heās trying to make it seem like sheās been in his life forever and why are they not accepting her?? I had been with my ex for 14 years and have put in the time and effort with making a relationship with his family. Sheās been in his life for a minute and is wondering why things arenāt the way it is with me...
I donāt know what he doesnāt understand. I told him today that his family is my family and his nieces and nephews are my babies (especially because I have known them since my exās sisters and sister in law were pregnant)...he told me that Iām not related to them, so I shouldnāt be feeling like that anymore. Heās asking me to just give them up...seriously? He kept telling me āyouāre not my future, so you shouldnāt be invited to things anymore, especially because my girlfriend will be at thingsā.
I just donāt know anymore.
I just wish I could turn off my feelings and just move on...I donāt know why I canāt. This guy is a terrible person and treated me poorly, but yet Iām still somewhat wishing it was me with him...I still am getting the replaced feeling...
Iām supposed to go have dinner with him, his gf, our daughter and I to figure out a āplanā for the future. I already feel like barfing thinking about it. His gf is a nice girl and seems friendly, but I just donāt know how I feel about it.
I NEED these feelings to stop ASAP. Iām so tired.
Barf
Iām literally so tired of feeling like an asshole...
Seems like I either hate the thought of being in a relationship and I just wanna have fun and do my own thing OR I get these palpitations of wanting to be in a relationship and missing having someone.
Oh on top of it, My ex and I had aĀ āquickieā last week...he cheated on his āGFā with me, his wife.
I donāt feel bad about helping him do it. He has been my partner for 14 years and we technically are still married. He feels bad, because thatās not who he is and said it could never happen again... Well explain to me how you had no problem initiating what transpired between us?!
I love my ex Heās the father to our daughter and was my 1st everything, but I donāt think I could ever be back with him. I think I just hate the whole feelingĀ āreplacedā thing. I was involved with every aspect of his life and then just one day Iām not...
I just donāt know what to do anymore.
Can I just find someone who I can fall deeply, madly, hard in love with so I can stop feeling like a dumb ass and slightly alone...
Distracting yourself from thinking about being alone is hard. I need to find some new hobbies or something.
I just still donāt understand how my ex has someone, months after we officially split, and I donāt? I especially donāt understand how theyāre becoming so serious so quick and they both arenāt even divorced yet....
Like am I that terrible of a person?
I keep getting told I canāt rush things and that itāll happen when I least expect it.
Iām starting to give up hope.
Had a date last night with a guy who didnāt immediately want sex. It was literally the weirdest thing.
He was actually nice and trying to get to know me, but all he wanted was just snuggling and to be touched. He told me heās been lonely and he mainly misses the aspect of physical touch, also with the holidays coming up he misses having someone. I told him how Iām not looking to rush anything and how Iām just personally not looking for a relationship right now. I donāt know if itās because I really am not looking for a relationship or if itās just because Iām not attracted to him...
On the dates Iāve been on, I only had met 2 guys I actually really liked right away.
One, from end of last year, told me he wanted a relationship, then after we slept together said he would rather be friends with benefits and canāt be in a relationship right now...we slept together a few times since and I recently saw him post pics with a girl. Looked at her IG and she posted pics with him š
The other guy lives in Santa Cruz, about 30 to 45 min away, and the past 2 dates we went on have been great. He actually treated me like a lady and actually shows affection (holding hands, kissing, etc). Heās really terrible at replying to messages and doesnāt seem to really care when we hangout again, because Iām the only one asking when we can. I know everyone is busy adulting, but step the game up with the texting! I was even in his area for a couple of hours yesterday and told him the day before. He said if he wasnāt working heād come...per his Snapchat story, he wasnāt working, but again just either ignored my messages yesterday or just was busy.
This whole dating thing is just a headache. Iām going through waves of wanting a relationship and not wanting a relationship. Definitely in the latter mood right now.
I want to be in love again. I really do...but I literally just havenāt been swept off my feet yet. All my friends who have been single for a while, and recently started relationships, or even friends who have been through the same thing years ago and have been happy with someone since keep telling me Iāll find someone. I know itās technically only been a year that I have been single, but I in reality have been for about two years. I thought I was going to be with my husband until we grow old together, but him straying away the end of 2017 made me realize that we werenāt.ļæ¼
So trying to figure out the upcoming holidays with my ex.
Essentially trying to split time with our daughter is getting complicated now.
I thought of a plan, that gives him more time with her, but he complained about it š
I can never fucking win with this guy.
Itās always about him and what he wants.
Happy Fucking Holidays.
Still having moments of āthatās my spotā with the ex.
Him and the gf are going to things with my daughter. That should be me.
Itās not that I wanna get back with my ex, because believe me I donāt wanna go down that rabbit hole again, but itās just we would go as a family to the stuff theyāre going to.
I miss that aspect of it.
But my ex didnāt treat me the way I shouldāve been treated. With everything I ever did for that man, he never was on my level of attentiveness with me as I was with him.
But yet I was the problem...
Iām so tired of being angry.
Depression sucks.
Having a low today and I havenāt had one in a bit.
Got angry at the baby daddy and said the same thing that I keep saying to him.
Why does he get someone and I donāt?
Everyone keeps telling me that it will happen and I just have to wait, my time will come when I least expect it, youāll be so happy soon...
Iām starting to give up hope.
I keep telling people that I donāt know which way is up anymore.
Iām so distracted and just mentally not there.
The weird part is a part of me doesnāt want a relationship. I like being able to do whatever and whoever and not having to answer to a significant other. I think I just like the idea of having someone, but Iām somewhat hoping I get proven wrong and fall in love again.
I have been in a relationship since I was 15 and I have been with that man til I was 29...and now I donāt know anymore.
Iām tired of thinking about his dumbass.
Say it with me...heās not a good person, heās not a good husband, he never treated you the way you should be treated.
Gonna be at 2 functions this weekend where my ex might be bringing his gf...
Thatāll be fan-FUCKING-tastic.
Just the motivation I need to be done with his dumbass.
Also I keep hearing
āyouāll find happiness soonā
and
āyouāll find someone when you least expect itā
Getting to a point where Iām giving up hope with finding someone..
Development...
Dudes are stupid
That is all.
Ghosting
So ghosting is a really shitty thing. These dudes Iāve been talking to, especially one I actually really like, are either really terrible at writing back or just full on ghosting...grow a pair and just write back assface.
So to add on to my āpost divorce identity crisisā, I got my nose pierced...