I could say sorry every day for all my life and it still wouldn't be enough
Jules of Nature
AnasAbdin

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Peter Solarz
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@augustslippedawayintime
I could say sorry every day for all my life and it still wouldn't be enough
I can't describe in words what I'm feeling. It's weird. There's grief, there's irritation, there's love. A hell lot of it. I don't know what will happen in the coming weeks. Maybe we grow apart, maybe we grow closer. Not much chances of growing closer though are they? The signs are clear as day. You are avoiding me. You'll meet new people. After everything I did for you, after everything I went through for you, you'll meet someone else. You'll kiss someone else. I also know exactly how you'll talk about me to your next girlfriend. "Oh there was this girl it was mutual but she was sensitive as fuck. Don't worry I didn't kiss her" "I want to kiss YOU not that emotional dumbass. Oh did I also mention she had parent issues? Lol" and I'll be here, hoping we can atleast stay friends. After saving my data the entire day so I could talk to you on my way back, after texting you IN THE SHOWER, after texting you when I had paint on my hands. After being on video calls with you till 2 am when I had an exam the next day. After all of this you'll go to someone else. I'm mad too you know? Because I have SO MUCH and got NOTHING in return. Mad because even after all this, I'm still talking to you as if nothing happened. As if all we are and ever were were just partners in an MUN. As if we never talked till 3 am. And I love you. Oh I do. I was too scared to say it, because I'm not supposed to know what love is right? I'm only 19. But perhaps it's this. Not telling you how I feel anymore to avoid the pain. The hurt. The regrets. Either the regret of losing what we had, or the regret of even getting to know me in the first place. But it wasn't real for you was it? None of it was real. Just one mistake and BOOM feelings gone. You didn't like me anymore. I stood up for myself and you got triggered and now you don't like me anymore. After all those years when I believed I was unlovable, you came and made me think that maybe I wasn't. You told me you liked me, which in itself was a surprise because I believed I wasn't made to be loved. You told me I was your favourite cardigan from under the bed. You told me you wanted to kiss me, the first time anyone has ever told me that. And yet you left. And I was left behind again, unable to make sense of any of it, but believing again that my existence did not deserve to be loved. It just wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe it would have been better if we had never talked? If I had never put up that note? Because then this grief would not have bubbled up to the surface. I would have been fine. You wouldn't have been hurt.
what is grief if not the love you couldn't give?
I can't talk to you about this now so I'll just resort to writing letters to you in this app. It's the small things you know? The small things I like about you. The way you close your eyes, slightly tilt your head with the smallest and the sweetest smile when you want to nod. The way you stare at me and smile without blinking to make me laugh. The way you run your hands through your hair. The way your voice instantly softens when you're talking about animals. The way you are SO excited about health and exercise, and the way you tell others around you to take care of their health, almost as if that is your love language. The way you are so honest, and so soft, and so calm. The way you were so excited about the MUN. The way you surprised me on April 14th. The way you wore a freaking kurta when you came at mine, and a couple days later when I came to meet you on your birthday. The way we used to talk till 3 at night, and talk throughout the day the next day. The fact that both of our screen times that day was 8 hours. 8 hours of just us. Of pure bliss and joy and calm. The way we talked about touching each other, kissing each other, the talks on levels that were so damn attractive. The way we had conversations on consent that went on for hours because we were so scared of hurting each other. And that's exactly what happened. I hurt you. Unknowingly, unintentionally, but I did. And I lost everything. I'm sorry I lost all that. All of it. I could have waited a few days, could have let it all die down and have a clearer view of the picture. But it's my impulsiveness that killed all of it. I let others fight my wars. Lesson learned. But a lesson that ended it all. Maybe we could have went on and maybe one day you would have liked me back again? And even if you didn't, if I hadn't sent that message about ending it all then and there, maybe some things would have been different. And I can't help but believe that that would have been better than whatever this is. Pure platonic friendship, when I know it'll take me months, if not years to move on from the last seven months. And to keep talking to you as if I don't feel anything, as if I haven't ever dreamed about hugging you or kissing you or just being with you. Just the two of us alone, just talking. Just taking each other in. But I lost. And I miss you. You're right here and I still miss you. I don't know how that's possible, but now, someone else will get those stares that would send me to a place where time stopped. Someone else will get to kiss you, to touch you, to hug you. You'll talk to someone else till 3, and ask someone else if you can touch her breasts. But it's just because of my mistakes I guess. You were one of the people I cared about the most and I ended up hurting you. It usually doesn't happen to me you know? I don't fight, I don't have clashes with anyone. And this was one of the rare times I did, and that too with you, the last person I would want to lose. And yet we're here.
#letitgowherever #ohtobeloved #oh to love
just for once, I want to be loved BACK
he did like me back btw. past tense though
Just a 5 min chat with him and I'm happy again. Oh this is soo gonna fuck me up when it ends
oh it ended
just for once, I want to be loved BACK
Just a 5 min chat with him and I'm happy again. Oh this is soo gonna fuck me up when it ends
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