BROWN GIRL CHRONICLES

27 years old, social worker, indo-canadian, cis-womyn with mental dis(abilities) Instagram: attainingmoksha

[aumawakening]

So what can I say

I am came on this platform to delete my blog. I thought about how long it’s been since I have even come on here. But I am glad I can come on here, it’s like a time capsule of memories and feelings I have forgotten. I think about the connections I have made on here that have helped me. 

Things are so different now, I am more stable than I have ever been, 10 years of anti-depressants and therapy sure do work. I have a full time job, a career in the field I have thought about being in my whole adult life. I think I am still unhappy though. I don’t know if it is because I am never satisfied or I never let myself be. 

I feel like my job is my life and I need to spend more time on other things in life, like hobbies and boys. I have had a lot of unrequited love these past few years which really sucks. I have tried the apps, and been on a lot of dates that have gone nowhere. 

I’m getting an itch, i don’t know whether to travel, change my job, move outta the house with no money, or text an ex.

[aumawakening]

I wonder if I should delete this blog, but I wander back here every so often when I am not doing well. 

[aumawakening]

i havent been here forever

I just want to talk about a few things. Im not if anyone can relate. 

I started my MSW in the fall, in America ( Buffalo to be exact). I was dating a guy that said we would keep in touch. We lost touch though and barely talked and he slowly stopped answering my messages. He had a lot going on, he was trying to get off disability, he was trying to finish his undergrad and trying to get his medications straightened out. 

I met a guy in grad school. He has a girlfriend. He gave me a lot of attention, heck people thought we were together. He made sure to message me during the week and spend his breaks with me during the days we had classes. I was feeling guilty that were so close and I had a boyfriend ( even though we were growing apart). I went home and skyped my boyfriend and told him I couldnt do it anymore. He understood, mostly because he thinks were going on different paths. So, I think now when I look back I think I expected this guy at grad school to let me know he broke up with his girlfriend. You know because he was talked and flirting with me so much. This never happened. Whats more we did not see each other during the break. 

During the next semester, I had all my classes with him. He was different though he was less talkative and more likely to leave during breaks and do his own thing. This really hurt. He also did not seem to think what he did was cheating at all. Not in the slightest. I think it was though. I tried to message my boyfriend because I realized that it was difficult not talking to him after spending a year with him. It was obvious that he did not want to talk. 

So I was feeling super lonely and rejected and I went on bumble. I met a guy that was self-absorbed and awkward. He made me feel bad about everything when we were together. After a month I told him I was good and left mostly because he was pressuring me to sleep with him. 

I finally feel okay as I am typing this, Im passing all my courses. Im almost done my first year, and Im looking forward to the summer and being alone for at least a couple years. I feel exhausted with boys and tired of their shit. 

[aumawakening]

i never fail to continually pursue unavailable men

[aumawakening]

Updates

It’s been a real long time, I wonder why I have neglected this space, and keep things to myself. 

Things that present in my life right now: 

- Grad school (MSW) 

- Moving to the states for said grad school (which has been sooo hard) 

- Having a shitty roommate 

- Getting over a breakup

- Feeling like im an absolute mess 

[aumawakening]

its been awhile

i kind of forgot about this space

[aumawakening]

My heart is so heavy, my eyes are so dry

I got into a huge argument with my mother about her continually fat shaming me, yes I'm obese but that does not give her the right to make me so bad about myself

[yourbigsisnissi]

Sometimes you just want to feel wanted, needed, and appreciated.

[aumawakening]

I'm so tired of my life repeating itself

[aumawakening]

Dating is so hard I'm crying over a boy that stopped talking to me. Today I came to the conclusion that love is a miracle it's not normal and not every person has it. I need to live in a way that makes this my reality, that love is not something I will ever find maybe this way I have no expectations of anyone.

[aumawakening]

Anonymously tell me what you think of me :)

[aumawakening]

My ex added me on Instagram :( I want to accept but I really shouldn't

[themissingstars]

[yourbigsisnissi]

I am just too cute I wanna just pinch me cheeks and play in my hair and give myself soft kisses

[aumawakening]

Fuck (Part 2)

I think this should become a series, anyways I'm like on online dating sites and what not for like the past 6 months I have been single for ages so I thought why not but like I'm seriously thinking of deleting There is this guy that I was messaging for like less than a day and he was like so nice and open and friendly. And then we started to talk about the weather really randomly and I was like yeah it's pretty hot and he's like show me how hot you are, I'm like excuse me and he's like show me how hot you are, I want to see all of you. Honestly I deleted blocked him right away like wtf like not only do I feel shitty about it cause I thought he was a nice guy but like he somehow made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not doing it, like fuck.

[shwaas]

I saw this somewhere and I thought Tumblr would appreciate it

[angryasiangirlsunited]

Indian living in Hyderabad, genderqueer, lesbian, fucking pissed off about heteronormativity and with straight men..