lola

♡

[aurinka]

♡ about me ♡

tc/age gap media masterlist can be found here

part 1 of His Little Secret (a tc fic!) can be found here

.-~♡~-.

> she/her, uni student

> do not support these relationships! this blog is purely an outlet for my thoughts/experiences

> will likely talk about… other things… so please look after yourselves, i do not encourage other unhealthy behaviours. feel free to block #aurinka.🅰️ tag

.-~♡~-.

uh other stuff

height: 166cm / 5’5

> hw: 72.45kg / 160lb

> cw: 56.3kg / 124lb

> gw1: 58kg / 128lb 🥳

> gw2: 55kg / 121lb

> gw3: 50kg / 110lb

> ugw: 45kg / 100lb

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[aurinka]

god gives his toughest battles (being stuck at home for three months with your family and no way to accurately calorie count) to his strongest soldiers (had bad binge eating at uni anyway so now i've decided i am sick of food and don't want to eat but fuck it's testing my willpower)

but i have to fucking prove i can do it and i NEED to be skinnier than my friends... it's so fucking unfair that they get to be like that and it takes me so much fucking effort and control

but i have three months at home where it doesn't matter if i feel shit or sleep all the time. all that matters is i lose weight

[aurinka]

binged so hard because of my exams but now i have three weeks before i go home... any tips?? i gained like 1.5kg in three days lol but i want to get to 55kg 🙏 need to ⭐rve frfr

[aurinka]

-1.3kg overnight :0

egg fast >>>

[aurinka]

binged so hard because of my exams but now i have three weeks before i go home... any tips?? i gained like 1.5kg in three days lol but i want to get to 55kg 🙏 need to ⭐rve frfr

[aurinka]

once exams are over i have 16 days before i go home... and i don't think i'll be anywhere near 50kg </3 unless i fast some days but i've only done that once and only for like 18 hours lol. just me rambling but i guess i could sleep all day/read/go for a super long walk on fast days and still eat a little on alternate days. idk. wanna be thin so bad but food has such a hold over me and i need to dissociate myself from that. i know i can't have gained weight bc ive been in a deficit all week and doing exercise but still fucking maintaining/gaining a tiny bit???????????????? like bitch please get it together. probably water retention on my period tbh but im sick of being 57kg, let me be 55 and then 50 i BEG

[aurinka]

pahaha eating more made me lose weight so silly. 56.3!

[aurinka]

once exams are over i have 16 days before i go home... and i don't think i'll be anywhere near 50kg </3 unless i fast some days but i've only done that once and only for like 18 hours lol. just me rambling but i guess i could sleep all day/read/go for a super long walk on fast days and still eat a little on alternate days. idk. wanna be thin so bad but food has such a hold over me and i need to dissociate myself from that. i know i can't have gained weight bc ive been in a deficit all week and doing exercise but still fucking maintaining/gaining a tiny bit???????????????? like bitch please get it together. probably water retention on my period tbh but im sick of being 57kg, let me be 55 and then 50 i BEG

[aurinka]

why am i still not below 60kg 😒

[aurinka]

advance warning that i will probably post less about tc stuff - i adore the community i just haven’t had a tc in ages and i think it’s unlikely to happen. will be talking about… other stuff (see tags) instead so please be mindful <3

[sparkleprincess-33]

I really love men who have that ‘university professor’ kind of vibe i just wanna go for a coffee with one while he yaps about his subject

[aurinka]

tw mental health stuff

so i've been doing pretty badly recently. seeing a guy and i thought my obsessive behaviour was fixed but nooooo i think only of him and i don't want to hurt him bc he's had bad experiences and i don't want to add to that. but i see him today so i need to talk to him so we can make this work because i don't want to lose him, i just need some reassurance that i haven't fucked everything up

also worried that i haven't been eating properly because i just have no appetite

Y is teaching me atm too, i had to hold a door open for him yesterday and i feel so fucking sick in his presence he is a psycho and i hate him. and seeing W recently hasn't helped. and i need to study and apply for things and keep myself alive and cook and clean and it's just all so overwhelming all of the time

but i am trying to get help because i've realised that i can't deal with this stuff on my own. it's been so many fucking years of being in my head that i've relapsed into the same behaviours and thoughts. and i just. i wish everything would just calm down a bit so i can rest and get my shit together

so yeah....... it's been pretty horrible but i'll get through it. and seeing the guy tonight will be good because we need to talk (even though we haven't know eachother that long) and i want to check he's ok too

[aurinka]

it's over with that guy :( like we may pick it up again in future but it hurts A LOT. and it was getting in the way of both of our lives :(

i just need to focus on studying i guess

term is ending so i won't see Y for a couple of months thankfully, i hate him sooooo much but i also still want him ugh

[aurinka]

tw mental health stuff

so i've been doing pretty badly recently. seeing a guy and i thought my obsessive behaviour was fixed but nooooo i think only of him and i don't want to hurt him bc he's had bad experiences and i don't want to add to that. but i see him today so i need to talk to him so we can make this work because i don't want to lose him, i just need some reassurance that i haven't fucked everything up

also worried that i haven't been eating properly because i just have no appetite

Y is teaching me atm too, i had to hold a door open for him yesterday and i feel so fucking sick in his presence he is a psycho and i hate him. and seeing W recently hasn't helped. and i need to study and apply for things and keep myself alive and cook and clean and it's just all so overwhelming all of the time

but i am trying to get help because i've realised that i can't deal with this stuff on my own. it's been so many fucking years of being in my head that i've relapsed into the same behaviours and thoughts. and i just. i wish everything would just calm down a bit so i can rest and get my shit together

so yeah....... it's been pretty horrible but i'll get through it. and seeing the guy tonight will be good because we need to talk (even though we haven't know eachother that long) and i want to check he's ok too

[aurinka]

i see Y in half an hour and like i really do not want to... i can't believe i've been building up to this moment for so fucking long and idk how i'll react

more updates to come bc a LOT has happened recently and i need an outlet <3

[aurinka]

god i saw him........ ugh i want him so fucking bad and i swear he looked at me so much and i was trying to ignore him bc i was literally shaking

also, without doxxing myself, saw W again!! and we talked!!! and she was so fucking hot and i wanted her sooooo bad ugh.

also i'm dating someone atm and that has honestly toned down most if not all of my obsessive behaviour??? esp towards L, i feel nothing now. still want Y and W but not as badly. anyway

[aurinka]

i see Y in half an hour and like i really do not want to... i can't believe i've been building up to this moment for so fucking long and idk how i'll react

more updates to come bc a LOT has happened recently and i need an outlet <3

[aurinka]

this is turning into monthly updates.... maybe i'll be more active soon

anyway, uni still going fine but that's not the point. i keep seeing Y around, he also teaches me in a couple of weeks and i'm nervous (and excited) to see him again. i know last year i did stupid things to try and get his attention so this year i'm just going to be more chill

but strangely i'm not super obsessed with Y atm. i started playing a sport (unspecified as would make me identifiable) and i maaaaaaaay have a teeny crush (huge obsession) on my coach (let's call him L). it genuinely came out of nowhere. the sole benefit is it means my academics are going well because i only see him when i play sport.

but i'm not doing sport for a week, just due to timings and a small injury and i don't know how i'm going to survive not seeing him

[aurinka]

OMG omg omg so much has been happening. uni is going... fine? i honestly don't know anymore.

BUT THE REAL INTERESTING STUFF....

i keep seeing Y around uni (he doesn't teach me again yet) but it sends me into a weird panic every time and i know his routine??? weird.

i ALSO saw D sitting outside a cafe when i was coming back from a lecture and it made me realise how delusional i was about him........ like girl what are you thinking getting involved with him. i hope he didn't recognise me and i hope i don't encounter him again. maybe i should stop seeking out older men and focus on myself.... maybe

[aurinka]

taking another break from tumblr because uni has started 💗

hope everyone stays safe and happy in the meantime! 🫶

[aurinka]

oh my god guys so i recently turned 20 and i was kind of sad that i couldn't find D on the dating app again... but his settings must have had the lower limit at 20!!!!!! because i just checked and changed my age settings and he was the first one to come up!!!!!

[aurinka]

hmmm i don't know what to do really... i don't want to obviously just like his profile bc like i'm too scared. i am disregarding the obvious kind of immorality of a potential relationship but im just. tired.

i might leave it for when i see Y again because i will need a distraction otherwise my life will go up in flames

[aurinka]

im sorry im so indecisive abt this hahaha i am just kinda fucked up. and like i know its probably a bad idea but im just tired and i want to get over Y somehow because i cant stop thinking about him

i left my settings specifically targeted towards D aka basically laying out some form of bait for him and i think i just have to hope he likes my profile again?? maybe??? if he doesn't by the time i see Y i might just get drunk and talk to him (a bad idea in general tbh but screw being sensible)

i dreamt about Y last night but i had to wake up early :( he said something to me and we talked but i don't remember what about