Every time I see people go out, go out with friends, or their boyfriends or girlfriends, I feel I am not living a life, I mean they are clearly living a life, they go out, they have friends, they talk to people, I mean the least is that they go out although they don't have a huge circle, but me? Where do I go? I don't go anywhere, half the time my parents don't let me and the remaining time I don't feel like going. I am already 20 and I did nothing in life, like i am not good at studying, so academically I am not doing well, socially tho I would say I am rather invisible and I don't even have a life. I feel bad for myself at times, because people make all these memories together and I just sit in my room, people think I don't try to convince parents to go out, and at this point i don't know if it is actually true or just my parents won't send me anyways. Whatever it is, the bottom line is, I regret being like this, infact I feel bad that when I grow up, when I am in my late 20's working my ass off, I will regret not going out while I was still young, when I am in my 30's, I will regret not talking to people and being alone, and by 40 I will be old with nothing to do in life, I just don't want to regret this, but I am sure I will, and I can't even help it. It's funny how I can't even name one person who is like me, atleast they have one thing from all this that compensates for not having it all, whereas me, I don't have anything, I am losing contact with people, I am just alone all the time, I don't feel like getting up the next day, I don't understand the point in life frankly speaking, so all I am saying is, this is how I am going to be, my life is gonna be full of regrets and tears and just sad memories, I just think it is high time I accept it because it is the truth, nothings ever gonna change, because it never did, and I am just going to spend my life and live for the sake of it, hell I don't even want to live, just disappear and then maybe my pain will subside and it will stop hurting, but as long as I am alive, I don't think I will stop hurting, my teenage is done, I didn't do anything, I didn't go out, I didn't dress up because there's no point, I am ugly, I didn't go out on dates, people never asked me out, I was really even given any attention, I have always been the invisible person and I don't think that is ever going to end. I would be lying if I say it didn't hurt when everybody around me was enjoying and I was just staying in my room watching everything, but you know what hurts the most, that I will never be able to live that life that people are living, I know so badly deep down that I am going to be a depressed shit with the most boring life ever, and i know so precisely that I am going to be alone, not that I was ever not alone, I was, but I would think that maybe, just slightly maybe I will do or I will get to do that people do, but apparently I am destined to be happy...everyday I go to bed feeling this, and half the time I pray I don't get up the next morning, because as shitty as it sounds, I don't want to live, I just wish I don't get to see tomorrow, I want to just end everything, only of i could actually do that.
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