Austentatious

A writer's musings on love.

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And So We Come to the End

I will never be able to express how grateful I am to have experienced this class. It has opened my eyes to more ideas and definitions of love than I could ever imagine. Hopefully I will be able to adequately apply these lessons to my life going forward and share the knowledge I have gained.

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"I Don't Get You, Ennis Del Mar"

That one line pretty much sums up my reaction to Brokeback Mountain. I know we're supposed to feel empathy for Ennis because his life is falling apart around him and he is unable to be with Jack because of his fear of society's reaction, but he's just so much of a... well, he's a dick.

He acts with violence toward anyone he feels has "done him wrong." He attacks his ex-wife on Thanksgiving, in front of their children no less, and he explodes at Jack over pointing out that Ennis is the only who threw away the chance they had at a life together and acknowledging that Jack went to Mexico for prostitutes. I'm sorry, bro, I wasn't aware this was an exclusive relationship. You certainly didn't say that. Furthermore, everything is either done Ennis' way or not at all. He refuses to live with Jack and so they don't live together. He designates when and where they meet, and who cares if Jack feels otherwise. He's selfish and stubborn, with no idea of how to make a relationship work.

And that's why I think the movie isn't a love story. It's a story about regret, specifically Ennis'. He spends all his time alternately chasing something he desperately wants and pushing it away when it gets close, and in the end, he has nothing. 

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Passion and Violence

I'm really trying hard to care about this movie, but it's not making it easy. My biggest problem is the lack of equality in Ennis and Jack's relationship. Ennis is clearly the one who holds all the power in their relationship; he's the one who provides the impetus for their secret meetings after both are married (Jack sends the first postcard, but everything hinges on Ennis saying yes) and he decides how far their relationship will go. He's also extremely violent in his romantic interactions with Jack. From their initial sex scene to the force displayed during their reunion kiss, Ennis is extremely aggressive toward Jack. There's maybe two or three scenes that I can recall so far where violence hasn't been a part of the romance. I guess part of this can be chalked up to passion in the moment, but there's a part of me that has the uncomfortable feeling that Ennis is using passion to alleviate his frustration (toward what depends on the scene - his confusion over his feelings toward Jack, his anger over his deteriorating marriage), taking out that frustration on Jack in the process. It's clear that these two care for each other very much, but that doesn't make this a healthy relationship.

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Misery Loves Company

http://gizmodo.com/5890833/women-are-happier-in-relationships-when-their-partner-knows-theyre-miserable/all

This article's a couple of years old now, but still valid. According to science, women are happier when their partners notice that they are unhappy. Not that they're happier to be miserable, just to have that misery acknowledged, while men were happier when their partner was happy. Now, this study was done with heterosexual couples, so it's not clear if and how men and women would behave differently in non-heterosexual relationships. And I have to wonder if they checked the participants' self-esteem to see if self-love played a role, and if so, how large.

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The One I was Dreading

We've moved on to the last film in my Modern Love class, Brokeback Mountain, which I was not looking forward to, as it means staring at Jake Gyllenhal's face for three class periods. I had read the short story that serves as the basis for the film several semesters ago and didn't particularly care for Annie Proulx's style, so I was curious to see if the film was any more interesting.

I think I can sum up the first part of the movie thusly: trees, sheep, mumbling Heath Ledger (seriously, I can only understand every third word), random sex, and Randy Quaid creeping from the trees. Ennis and Jack don't even feel like fleshed out characters to me; their only real traits are "cowboy," "rodeo," and "complaining." Granted, we're only forty-five minutes in, but still. I know it won a ton of awards, but I haven't trusted Ang Lee with a movie since the Hulk fiasco and now I'm feeling a little vindicated.

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Collateral Damage

When a relationship falls apart, it seems fairly easy to give into the anger (if the split was less than amicable). It gives you an outlet to channel all your hurt and frustration, and it can give you a sense of righteous vindication. But the effects of giving into that anger are rarely limited to you.

We're still watching Waiting to Exhale, and boy, does Bernadine come off as the least sympathetic character in the film. We're supposed to feel bad for her; she's been cheated on and dumped by her husband, who, despite leaving her the house, has taken the money, leaving both her and her children in serious need of income. What an asshole, right?

Unfortunately, in Bernadine's anger, she only acts toward her husband in her own self interest. It's as if her children barely enter into the equation. She ropes them into helping with a yard sale, selling off their father's possessions that didn't go up in the car fire, and she barges into her husband's office during a meeting, slaps the woman he had an affair with, and proceeds to make a scene. I'm going to refer back to the last post, here: if he fights her for custody, there is now a whole conference room full of witnesses who saw her assault someone. 

In addition, it seems that Bernadine is more focused on making herself feel better than being there for her children. She certainly yells enough about them, but after her husband leaves, it's the kids who comfort her. She goes out with her friends (which, I'm not saying you can't do when you have children, but during a very messy divorce, that is not the time), and stays the night at another (married) man's house. Who's watching her kids?! 

Her actions also seem to drive a wedge between her and Whitney's Houston and Loretta Devine's Savannah and Gloria. Both are clearly annoyed by her actions, and though she takes steps to patch things up with Gloria, it's still clear the two don't see eye to eye.

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Being With Someone Just to be With Someone

Because I get a little down on rainy days (not to mention I had a case of the "bleh"s), I binged a cute little rom-com about an adorably socially-awkward couple yesterday. It was perfectly saccharine riiiiight up until the last episode when the girl wonders if she can ever return the boy's level of genuine affection and I got the sense that she was deciding to stay with him rather than go back to a lonelier life. At the same time, it also felt like she was setting herself up for failure, like she believed she couldn't love him as much as he loved her because it would require her to give up her independence. Either way, if it were a real life relationship, I just wouldn't see it lasting very long.  

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Maybe This is Just Me...

We've moved on to the next film in my Modern Love class, Waiting to Exhale (which, excuse my digression, is directed by Forest Whitaker?! What the what?!). There's a scene thirty, maybe thirty-five minutes into the movie where Angela Basset's character Bernadine, whose husband has just left her, takes all his clothes, piles them into his car, and burns it in front of the house. What kind of alarmed me was how many of my classmates vocalized that they would do the same thing.

How does this help anything? I mean, I can see the sense of retribution Bernadine might get from it; he leaves her for another woman, she makes a pyre for their marriage out of everything he owns, but all it does is give her momentary satisfaction. It's not going to make her any less dumped. Not to mention it's illegal, which could get her a heavy fine, if not incarceration. And what about her children? What are they supposed to think when the come home from school and see the smoldering remains of their father's belongings on the driveway? And she's opening herself up to a whole mess of lawsuits. If he decides to fight her for custody, how exactly is this going to look to a judge?

What it comes down to is Bernadine does something selfish in relation to her husband's selfishness. Burning his clothes and car does nothing but make her feel vindicated for a brief moment. Yes, it's in response to him leaving her, which is also selfish, but two wrongs and all that. 

Maybe this is just my personal view. I prefer to talk or write out emotional issues instead of resorting to property damage. Acting out may make you feel good in the moment, but in hindsight, it's a little childish, and the consequences may be greater than if you had taken the high road.

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Love and Hindsight

My Modern Love class finished Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last week and, even though this is probably the twentieth time I've seen it, it's the first time I've ever really considered the ending. The main focus of the film is the relationship between Joel and Clementine, who erase their memories of each other after a messy break-up, but decide to give it another try in the end. This is ostensibly supposed to be a happy ending, but is it really?

Reflecting on Joel and Clemetine's initial relationship, the viewer knows that although it started out well enough, the two quickly (relatively - the film isn't clear on how long the two are together) grow sick of each other and the people they've become in the relationship. In her recorded interview prior to the erasing process, Clementine admits that her time with Joel has "changed [her]" and not for the better. Both Joel and Clementine's conversations with Dr. Mierzwiak about each other are extremely vitriolic, revealing their mutual dissatisfaction with the relationship, and they both acknowledge that reentering into the relationship will likely produce the same result.

This idea that love is inevitable that the movie portrays is more than a bit unhealthy. Joel and Clementine are not good for each other in the long term, a fact the movie acknowledges and disregards for the idea of living in the moment. Because they have erased their memories and thus all the personal growth that would have come from dealing with the disintegration of their relationship, Joel and Clementine have no basis for how... well I can't really think of another word besides painful, their relationship will become. They hear it on the tapes, but because they don't remember, they don't process it. To them, it's as if two people separate from themselves are describing each other. So they ignore their better judgement, likely forcing history to repeat itself.

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A sweet little video featuring the mathematical odds of finding one or many “special someones” and why you shouldn’t feel bad if you haven’t found “the one” yet.

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Less, but More

http://io9.com/the-nature-of-online-courtship-visualized-1524022143

According to an analysis of the number of Timeline posts shared between a couple prior to and following the establishment of a relationship, overall, the number of posts diminish, which is not surprising as the couple is spending more time together. However, the posts show a marked increase in positivity, indicating that both parties are experiencing a higher level of happiness.

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Can We Have Eternal Sunshine with Spotless Minds?

This week in my Modern Love class, we're watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, one of my favorite (and the only good... okay, maybe besides The Truman Show) serious Jim Carrey movies. The film deals with a man erasing the memories of the woman he loved and takes place largely in his mind. The scenes depicting the main character as he experiences the loss of these memories are, frankly, terrifying. If the technology in the film were recreated in the real world, I wonder how many people would take advantage of it? The ability to erase your painful memories of someone is tempting, but is it worth it if you lose the good memories as well? And if you do eradicate those memories, doesn't that also eliminate any personal growth you gained from those experiences? And lastly, if you don't grow as person, can you be truly happy?

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Why Do We Love Romantic Movies?

http://io9.com/5851135/researchers-discover-what-romantic-movies-do-to-your-brain

Besides the fact that we, as humans, like to live vicariously through our media. The bottom line is that we see an action involving touch on the screen and the empathetic portions of our brains process it as if it were actual happening to us. Might be an answer as to why we see so many terrible, cheesy romantic movies do well in theaters.

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Sometimes I Really Hate Zuckerberg

In a very roundabout, non-personal way. It's not even really his fault, but if he hadn't created (or stole, depending on your source) Facebook, I wouldn't be able to keep up with someone who meant more to me than I'm sure I did to him.

We weren't close, but we were friends and little adolescent me adored him, and he was completely oblivious. I was, and still am painfully shy, and I was terrified of rejection, so I never said anything. It took me longer than I care to admit to move past that unrequited crush, but I still sometimes feel a little regret when I see his status updates or pictures. Most of me knows this is silly and that, looking back, it was probably healthier for both of us that we never dated, but I still occasionally wish I'd had the courage to make that mistake. 

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More on Genders

http://io9.com/germany-is-the-first-european-country-to-recognize-a-th-1178304945

So Germany (and apparently Australia as well, according to the article) has a leg up on us in the gender identification department by officially recognizing a third, more or less gender-neutral option. In a world where people identify as gender fluid or androgynous, but are required to claim their sex as their gender on official things, (even though this looks to primarily apply to birth certificates), it's a step in the right direction.

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Friends

We don't talk a whole lot about storge (love as friendship) in class; I actually kind of wish we did. Permit me a brief abruption here: I have rather high anxiety. I function pretty well with it, provided you don't ask me to speak in front of my peers, talk to strangers, spend long periods in crowded places, or make phone calls. It does make it rather difficult to make acquaintances into friends, though. I like people, really I do, but I worry about being an annoyance or an intrusion to the point where I work myself into an anxiety attack. So I tend to keep people at arm's length.

Thankfully, I have some awesome people in my life who don't let me hide myself from the world. People who have seen me at my worst and who still make time for me. I'm grateful to have these people around, even if some of them are a little further away than they used to be, and I wish we discussed more of that in our class.  

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Self-Image

http://jezebel.com/5816713/should-we-tell-little-girls-theyre-pretty

Since we've been discussing self-image and the pressure women feel to look attractive and after hearing a mother in one of my other classes mention she took pains to tell her children they are more important things than "pretty," such as "intelligent" or "strong," I dug through the internet and found this article. I hesitate to draw attention to a post from Jezebel, as the comments on the articles can get rather nasty, but this one does make a few good points.

I've never really understood the word "pretty" anyway. It's an empty adjective devoid of meaning outside of context. Admittedly, this is partly because I don't consider myself "pretty." I'm five foot one. I weigh in at a buck and change. I have curly hair, freckles, and blue eyes. I am "cute," or "adorable," or "sweet;" all of which have come from other people (I don't necessarily consider myself any of those things). I am not "beautiful" or "gorgeous," and I am certainly not "pretty."

I think the ambiguity of "pretty" is part of the reason it's so dangerous. Young girls feel they have to live up to everything "pretty" could possibly entail: thin, but curvy. Sexy, but demure. Hollywood starlet, but girl next door. All of which is impossible for an individual to be all at once.