Depression is no joke. I’ve been struggling with it for longer than I can remember. My own depression and anxiety stems from post traumatic stress disorder aquired while I was dealing with various parts of my childhood/adolencence. It’s a long and miserable story that honestly doesn’t matter anyway, so I won’t share.
There is something I will share though. Crippled by a darkness that I couldn’t explain, seeing no happiness around me and knowing full well that it was a saddness unprecedented, I knew earlier today that today was going to be a bad day. I was tired from a lack of sleep, unable to escape the thought that there was no hope for my future and that there was no light at the end of my tunnel. I can’t explain it, and honestly I don’t want to. My new medication has yet to kick in (even after 4 weeks) and none of my calming exercises or attempts of my husband to make it better were working. I couldn’t even move off of my bed to go get my prayer journal. I hadn’t eaten much all day, and I had no appetite. Nothing was bringing me joy. I just laid there, wrapped up in my tears and praying for relief. It was when my husband went to get my daughter out of the bath that I began to sing. It was my prayer song, the song I sing when I have no words in my heart for God. “Once and For All” by Lauren Daigle. Don’t ask me why I chose that song, because I don’t even know. But the words speak volumes.
“God I give you what I can today, these scattered ashes that I’ve hid away. I lay them all at Your feet. From the corners of my deepest shame. The empty places where I’ve worn Your Name. Show me the love I say I believe. Oh Lord I lay it down. Help me to lay it down. Oh let this be…where I die. My Lord with Thee, crucified. Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall. Once and for all. Once and for all. There is victory in my Saviors loss. In the crimson flowing from the cross. Pour over me…Pour over me.”
And that’s all I got out. I couldn’t say or even think the words of a prayer. My heart just pleaded for the misery to stop, for God to take it far from me.
My husband came back with my daughter, and they began trying to cheer me up. It wasn’t until Mark had given us both a peice of chocolate, quoting JK Rowlings Remus Lupin and making me crack a little smile, and then went off to get me a drink that God answered my prayer.
I looked down at my daughter, attempted my best smile, and told her Jesus loves her. Simple enough right? I had been trying to convince myself of the very same thing (that Jesus loved me even though I was so ungrateful for all the many blessings I have been given.) She smiled and told me “happy birthday.” I raised an eyebrow at her, wondering what in the world she was talking about. We had obviously talked about Jesus a lot in our household, attended vacation bible school and church every sunday. So I asked her “Amilee, do you know who Jesus is?” Just to make sure she remembered. She smiled and looked up at me with the beauty of a thousand stars in her eyes and said “Yeah, he’s an angel. Just like you.”
Just like me. To this child I was an angel. I immediantly wrapped her up in a tight hug, beaming for the first time all day from the bottom of my heart, and told her over and over again. “I love you, so much.” And she repeated back to me, “I love you so much, mama.”
My God is good, and he loves me unconditionally. He weeps when I weep, holds me as the pain wracks through my body, and meets me on the other side of a bad episode with joy in his heart. Oh, how He loves us. And oh how I love Him! I went from crying for relief from the pain, to crying tears of joy at the many blessings God has given me. If you struggle with depression, just know that you are NOT alone. He will go before you, and He will NEVER leave you. I know that now more than ever.